Jeremy - the 2021 Graduate

There is so much I want to write about the changes we have gone through since the beginning of the year, but I don't have the time or energy right now, but I didn't want to wait to long to post about our baby....the youngest of our crew turning 18 and then graduating all within the past 3 weeks.  I am excited that he was able to go to prom. I am excited he got to play Soccer and Football this year. I am excited that they were in school at least part of the year. I am excited that they got to walk across the stage.  I am NOT excited about him now being an adult. The years are so long and yet go by so fast.  How does that even happen?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what the future holds...but I that has nothing to do with Jeremy himself, more so, me just being worried about everything.  Here are a few pictures to remember the day.  I will try to get back on here when I have more time to talk about what else has been going on.

First 2021 Update - We Said Goodbye to George (Johnny)

Well, just like I always, I say I will try to do better with blogging...but life happens.  I picked up a second job spraying the schools for COVID back in September and worked through December.

Looking back, I am not sure how I did it. It was good for me physically and financially, but mentally it was draining.  The guy I worked for was very unethical and the two guys that were on my team made be feel horrible at the end....but none of them define me.  After he tried to cheat on MY taxes, I put in my notice.  I was done....and I think it was all in God's timing.

JC's dad has been sick for many years.  We brought them down in 2017 to live near us in Concord with the hopes that he could become more independent and be able to take better care of himself.  Unfortunately that didn't happen as he never wanted to get dressed and go anywhere.  He probably only used his Scooter a handful of times.  Back in June, he stopped getting off of the couch.  I don't think I realized how bad it was because I was so busy internalizing the issues we were facing.  By October, he hadn't gotten up in almost 5 months and he couldn't do anything to care for himself.  He was taken to first the hospital and then to a nursing home.  They told me they were going to stop his P.T. because he wasn't getting any better but that he could continue to live in the nursing home for his wound care.  About that time, JC's mom's knee issues got worse and an ambulance was called.  She was taken to the hospital and then to a different nursing home.  Neither of them wanted to be in there and Kathy felt like she could care for him if they could come home.  

The week before Christmas, was my vacation week, so I set in motion a plan to get them both home for Christmas. He had to come home on what I thought was palliative care but was truly Hospice Care.  She got home roughly the same time he did, but things were not good.  He could not do anything for himself, even so much as turning himself over, and she couldn't even stand for more than a minute or two.  The Hospice nurse deemed it unsafe for him to stay at home.  Kathy refused the offer to go back into the nursing home until a more permanent situation could be found. George was taken to the Hospice House in Kannapolis, which was the best place he was at throughout this whole ordeal.  We took Kathy over to visit him and they ate Christmas supper together.  The next day, Kathy called the paramedics again and went back to the hospital saying she couldn't care for herself.

Through much work and discussions, with Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, Hospice, Nursing Homes, assisted living, etc....we got her into another nursing home closer to our house and started the process to get George into the same one temporarily together.  There is so much more I could write about the endless paperwork, applications, phone calls, but there isn't enough time for that.

Dawn and Billy came down on the 13th of January to help us clean out their apartment.  On the 14th, JC, Billy, and Dawn visited with George at the Hospice House.  This is important for several reasons, but mainly because during this time of COVID, there are is a no visitation policy at the nursing homes.  I had asked that they push back his date of discharge 2 days so he could see his grandson whom he hadn't seen in 3 years.  They allowed it.  This would be the final time for him to see his daughter and son and the grandson that he raised.  They spent an hour or more with him and then he was transferred to the nursing home in Salisbury and was sharing a room with Kathy.

They were very upset with us about the amount of stuff we were getting rid of.  The last time I talked to him that Friday night, I was very stern with him.  I feel horrible, but I think I was at a breaking point by then.  Plans were made and changed and changed again.  It was the last conversation I ever had with him.

On Monday night, JC took Dawn home and Randall took Billy and Toby home.  Gronk came to stay with us.  Monday night Dawn called me in tears because George had called her and said he was getting a pain pill every hour because he was at end of life.  She wanted to know if she needed to come back down.  I told her I didn't think so because they had been telling me he was fine.  She called the night nurse and she confirmed that all was good.  On Tuesday morning, I talked to the NP who told me he was alert, eating, drinking, and from what she could tell he wasn't going to die anytime soon.  I also spoke to the Hospice nurse to find out why they stopped giving him his insulin and one coumadin and if they were truly giving him a pain pill every hour.  The nurse explained that they ordered morphine for every hour in case something happened suddenly during a time when a pharmacy wasn't opened. He wasn't receiving an oxy pill every hour which is what he thought. That was around 9-10am. The nurses gave him a bath, he ate half of his breakfast. I planned to call George Tuesday afternoon to ask him if he wanted me to remove him from Hospice care and let the doctors at the nursing home take over his care but that chance never came.  JC was doing a window visit around 1pm.  His mom got stuck trying to get in the bed and I had to call a nurse to come down and help her.  About that time, their lunches were brought and they tried to wake George up to eat and he wasn't responding.  JC called me again panicked yelling that he was dying, about that time, the director of nursing called me to tell me they thought he was about to pass.  I told her JC was outside the window and asked if he could come in. She told me to have him go around to the front and they would have to do the COVID protocols. While he was getting robed, had his temperature taken, and a quick result COVID test, his father passed away. He was with his wife of 54 years. JC got there right after they called his time of death on January 19th at 1:40pm.  I had to call Dawn to tell her. I had no car so Randall had to drive me over there. I had him drop me off and I was going to set on the bench until JC came out, but JC asked me to come in.  For the first time since COVID started I had to take a COVID test, but I did it for him.  We stayed in the room together for a couple of hours until they came to pick up his body.  A lot of decisions were made and we had a Farewell at the crematory. Angela bought Taz and Bella up and Dawn came with Dave and her kids.  all of the boys were there as well.  When they all left on Friday, I crashed mentally and didn't do anything productive for several days.  A good friend reminded me that when it is your time to go, it is your time and nothing I did would have changed that.  It was just what I needed to hear.

It has been a long road.  Kathy is now in an apartment right down the street from us.  She is ineligible to receive assistance for living assistance because she makes too much now that she is eligible for his social security so we had no choice. Things have calmed down some and for that I am grateful but we still have a long way to go with her care. I will try to come back again soon, but for now here are a couple of pictures of George while he was in Hospice.  Before and After his haircut/beard trim.  They allowed us to bring somebody in to cut it and a friend got her cousin to come up for me...The last four pictures are the memorial lantern I made for Kathy.

I Thought...

 It has been awhile....this post I made on Facebook this past Sunday may explain more about that, but I will try to post again.  Life has been crazy but I hope it will shortly start slowing down.

I thought I had life figured out. I thought I could do it all on my own. I thought if I could just do this or that...then it would it would all be okay. I thought. And that was the problem.

Since March of 2018, I feel like the world has been endlessly spinning...sometimes out of control, other times at a snail’s pace. I always knew I wasn’t good at change but I thought after the extreme changes of 2018, I had gotten better at dealing with it. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2018, we bought a house, I lost my job, I found a new temporary job, I worked, I spent time with JC and the boys, I lost Hemi, I stopped going to church. I thought I was okay with these changes and that I could just put my head down and keep pushing on. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2019, I got hired on full time and I am so incredibly grateful. I went back to school AGAIN and got a paralegal certificate. I spent a little less time with my friends and family. I lost interest in doing my crafts and I never went to church but thought it was okay because I was still doing my daily Bible study on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2020, things seemed to be going okay. Covid hit and I didn’t really care because now I was working from home again full time and that was awesome. But then it didn’t go away. Nobody ventured out, unless it was for necessities. Graduations were cancelled, sports were cancelled, TV shows were cancelled. Riots started. The election started. Friends and family were fighting back and forth. I blocked many people on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see or hear the hypocrisy and hatred. I was called uneducated because of my opinion about masks. I started doing crafts again and it gave me a purpose. I could make people happy with making things that would ease their pain. I reconnected with an old friend after a tragedy and she was just what I needed and I hope I was what she needed to get through a very bad time. I thought I was in a safe place and that friends were allowed to have different opinions. I thought. And that was the problem.

Jeremy’s senior year started, his soccer team couldn’t play...it was pushed back until January. I paid for a senior ad and a yearbook thinking it would be the same as every other senior yearbook I have purchased, but I found out they wouldn’t even have a senior section with the tuxes and drapes. For some reason, this upset me more than anything else that happened in 2020 (at the time). I thought nothing could be worse. I thought. And that was the problem.

JC’s dad got very sick in October. He was placed in the hospital and then into a nursing home. Shortly after, his mom too was sent to the hospital and on to a nursing home. Every day from October 2020 until February 2021, things changed. Being in nursing homes with a pandemic running rampid is not fun and I feel for the people who can’t see their loved ones. Conversations were had. Decisions were being made and then changed and then made again. I tried so hard. I pushed myself. I learned so much about Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and why it is so difficult for many people who are elderly and need assistance. I tried so hard to meet their needs with the limited assistance they had. When I thought I made progress something would change. I thought I could handle it all. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2021, on January 19th, JC’s dad passed away. Although it wasn’t unexpected, we thought we had more time. I questioned the decisions I made, I questioned if I did enough, I questioned every conversation and idea that I made in the past four months....until a friend pointed out that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Each and everyone of us has a time when our earthly bodies will no longer be on this earth. We don’t know that day or time, but God does and even though I thought I could control some of that. I could not. I thought. And that was the problem.

That text message literally was a changing point for me. I realized my thoughts were the problem. I realized I need my people to help me. I need my friends who always have my back. I needed the meals and gift cards that were delivered. I needed the truth to be told to me. I need the encouragement and letters and hugs and text messages and prayers. I thought I was doing okay on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need my family both near and far. I need their strength, their ideas, their love and encouragement. I need to hear from them. I need to know they care. And I don’t mean on Facebook...friends and family come and go on Facebook...I see that. Where I have been let down by some of the people who have removed me...I can now see that it doesn’t matter about the quantity of friends but the quality. I thought my extended family was just an extension and not truly part of my life. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need to go to church. Sure, I can do my Bible study (which has been lacking in 2021) on my own, but I need the fellowship. I need to be around other believers, not to show what I can offer, but so I can learn to accept what they have to offer. I need the love and encouragement and truths spoken from the Word of God. I have gotten lazy and I need to get it back. I thought I could manage on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I am not sure why I woke up this morning with these thoughts on my mind and itching to write it down, but I have a feeling God does. I am done thinking...Because that was part of the problem. God is in control, He has always been in control, and He will always be in control. My thoughts can not change that.

Over the past several month, many people have lost loved ones, some that I cared for very much. Many people are hurting. My goal in the upcoming months is to reconnect with people. To understand their pain and to stop thinking “poor me...changes are hard”. I want to think “these changes are hard...how can I learn from this to help others?”

If you made it this far...thank you...and I love you for it. Have a blessed day!

Time is Flying and it is Already October

 The last time I wrote was in August. I have truly tried to faithfully post every month, but sometimes life gets busy and time gets away from me.  I just re-read my August post, and I am not even sure what had me so upset that day, but I sounded desperate and angry.

September bought a few changes with it. Our refinance on the house FINALLY went through.  It took a couple of months which sucked but I do believe everything happens in God's time.  By completing the refinance, we shaved 4 years off of our mortgage and about $100 a month.  The interest rates are phenomenal right now and we went from 4.5% to 2.87%.  I also started working a part time job at nights.  Right now it is only 3 nights per week, but it may end up being 4 or 5 nights eventually.  We are spraying the schools for COVID in Rowan County.  They made me the team lead, which pays $1,000 a month. After taking out the taxes each month, I am going to put the rest of the pay directly towards our debt.  My hope is to get at least 3 more cards paid off and then focus on on the biggest card and the two loans. If I can get that loan paid off, it will give me an extra $225 on my paycheck.  We also changed insurance companies for both the auto and homeowners and that is saving us considerably as well.  The work isn't hard and only takes about 3-3.5 hours each night, but carrying the sprayer has been causing discomfort in my neck/shoulder.  I am trying to work through it because I have also dropped a few pounds.  So in my opinion it is a win/win/win.  We are helping to keep the kids and teachers safe, I am getting exercise, and the extra money is nice.

I have also started working on making Christmas gifts for December. I can't believe it is already October and I only have just about 2.5 months to get everything done.  I also have 19 days until I have to sit for the NC State Bar Paralegal Exam.  I am very nervous about it, but I am hoping for the best.

My lunch break is just about over so I am going to cut this short. Yesterday marked two years since Hemi has been gone. It is hard knowing that life just continues to go on. He was the best pet and I miss him so much.  I miss Krissie too. They were both pains in the butt but they were faithful companions. The hardest part about loving a pet is losing them.  I don't know what happens in Heaven, but I hope that there is truly a time or place where I will see them again. 

Until next time....

Abandonment Issues

So I saw meme today that said (I apologize for the curse word):

This spoke to me on so many levels. All I have ever wanted to do is to help people, and I wonder now if that stems from my father abandoning us. I don't understand why after 30 years, I can't get over him leaving. I don't understand why he did it and maybe that is part of the reason.  So here I sit as a 44 year old broken woman from something that happened more than 30 years ago, broke, tapped out, and in huge amounts of debt because I can't say no to people and I continue to buy stuff and help others when I honestly can't afford to do so.  

When I was going to church for the 10+ years we attended, I made our lives revolve around the church. We participated in everything from Sunday service to youth group, AWANA, woman's group, Monday night groups, Sunday night groups, the boys attended most of the camps. At different times throughout the time we were there, I helped in the nursery, did nursery scheduling, ran registration for GAKAC, Operation in As Much, was a youth leader for a couple of years, took pictures anytime somebody asked, served on the Woman's team, was an AWANA worker, and the list goes on and on. I gave to missions almost every time I was asked and even went to Romania on a mission trip. I loved every minute of it but as hard as it is to say out loud, now, I feel like I wasted so much time. I put harsh restrictions on my kids about what they could and couldn't do in their free time. I made the church the first priority, even above my own family....because I felt they were the closest thing to a family that I had ever had.....but then my time, location, and money dried up and I backed away from serving and I backed away from giving as I tried to make sense of being laid off and finding myself after giving so much time to my company....and during that time, in my opinion, the church didn't show up for me.  There were a token few people who reached out to say hi or they missed me.  But that too dried up. I feel that once I wasn't able to give of myself, my time, or my money, I was no longer important to them and I guess it felt like being abandoned all over again.

I feel like every time I put myself out there and offer a helping hand, all people want to do is snap back at me. I am tired of being the only person to reach out. I am tired of helping and then being discarded when I speak my mind. I am tired of being yelled out, condemned, questioned, ridiculed. All I have ever wanted to do was help. As I struggle to make ends meet every day, I just want somebody to reach out and ask me if I am OK. I want to be OK. I want to be the strong, vivacious, git 'r done person that everybody thinks I am, but I am so tired and I don't know how to be that person anymore.

I just want the pain to go away. I want to be able to forget that ALMOST everybody I have ever loved or cared about or helped, has let me down in some way or another. My father who I adored at one point in my life, the first guy I fell in love with, my family after I moved away, my job that I poured my life into for 16 years, my church "family", my extended family who I have helped on more than one occasion, some of my friends.....Through all of this, I know that God has never let me down. He has been there to see the lies I was forced to tell, the hurt I felt, He carried me through a time when I didn't care what happened to me, He kept me physically safe from harm that I could have done by the mistakes I made in High School. I know He is always with me and if right now it seems like we are apart, that likely that is my fault because I Have pulled away. I don't want to be distant from Him, but I also don't want to be part of a church by myself.  I know JC and the boys won't go with me...so if I go, it will be on my own.  Something has to give because I feel like I don't have anything else to give. I can't do it anymore. 

This is all I have right now...until next time.

Back to the Grind

 Well it has definitely been longer than I was anticipating being gone.  I posted on July 21st and here it is August 10th. I battled with not feeling good for awhile and have had a few appointments which caused more harm than good.

When I saw my GYN for my yearly appointment, I mentioned a couple of issues I was having (mainly leakage and horrible pains in my stomach). She sent me to an Urologist who had me try a medicine which ultimately led to my blood pressure going up (according to my normal doctor's office). She also sent me to a Gastrointestinal doctor who sent me for a CT Scan of my abdomen, which turned out to be a nightmare.

On Wednesday, two weeks ago (July 29th) I had a tooth pulled. It has been a long recovery and honestly I have been in more pain with this than anything I have ever done, including my hysterectomy just last year. On the following Friday, July 31st, I went in for my CT Scan. They put in an IV for the contrast which apparently blew the vein and all of the contrast went in my arm instead of my veins. It is horrific (and made me forget my tooth pain for a little bit).  It took about 2-3 days for my body to absorb it but it is okay, but my tooth/gums/mouth pain just continues to thrive. There is still some numbness too. I am not sure what is happening but Wednesday will mark 2 full weeks and I pray this will end soon.

I didn't walk during all of this time. June, my neighbor texted me after the CT Scan to see if I wanted to walk on the following Monday and I told her to give me a couple of days.  Those couple of days turned into a week, but I finally reached out and we started walking on Saturday. It feels good to get up at 6 walk for an hour and get the day started. I hope I can continue.

Things are still crazy in the world. Everybody wants to voice their opinions but nobody is willing to listen to the other side. I am tired of being called uneducated and immature because I have different beliefs about wearing stupid masks. I do it because it is the law but I think this is all political and I am just done.

Anyway, I need to get to work. What started as a good day has turned crappy, but I will not let it define me.

Anger is a Great Motivator....but Feeling Poorly is Not

Well, I lost my mojo. I thought I was doing so good.  The last time I walked (and blogged), was Saturday the 11th. It was the first day I actually hit my 12,000 steps goal. I walked for an hour, took the dogs on a quick walk, and then ran errands with JC. I went to get myself some new shoes and the long I was up, the longer my foot hurt.  I decided on Sunday that I had walked for 7 days straight, so I would take Sunday off and rest it so I didn't end up in a boot again.  I went to visit a church in Faith, which was outside.  While sitting outside I started to feel the need to cough, but with the pandemic flaring up, I held it in as best as I could, but I kept thinking my allergies were acting up.  By Sunday night, the cough had gotten progressively worse so I started taking the cough pills my doctor gave me back in March.  It seemed to help me sleep, but when I woke up Monday to walk, I felt short of breath and just crummy.  The thought ran through my mind once or twice in the next few days that somehow I had gotten COVID.  I have been so tired, the cough medicine seemed to work and I am only taking about once a day now if any. I still feel congested but I feel like I should be okay to walk, but I can't force myself out of bed.  The dogs/cats keep waking me up at 4 and it is hard to go back to sleep.  When I finally do, I don't want to get up at 6 and get dressed to walk.  I have lost my motivation and that makes me more sad than angry...but I am trying to work up the anger!! I guess I am a little irritated that June didn't show up on Saturday after she said she would.  I never texted her to check on her because I am not her keeper, but I find it odd that I haven't been out in over a week and she has never texted me either to see what is up.  In my mind, I am thinking I said or did something that upset her and she doesn't want to walk with me anymore.  I can't imagine what I said, but it wouldn't be the first time I stuck my foot in my mouth.  I keep saying I should reach out to her, but I am tired of always being the one to reach out to friends and family.  If I didn't initiate conversations, I don't think I would ever talk to anybody again.....that makes me sad. 

I am not sure if I was dreaming or thinking while half asleep this morning, but I saw Mam and Pap's house and I felt this thought saying I should have asked to keep the house, which is crazy, because it has been almost 14 years since it was sold AND the house wasn't big enough for our family of 5 plus we would have wanted to allow Jim Bob and Luce to stay, so it would have never worked.  I saw the rooms just like the last time I saw them and I wondered aloud who cleaned out the house and furniture when it was time to sell the house. It was good to see the house and the memories we made there, but now I am thinking about it and it makes me sad for everything that was lost when they passed away.  It is hard to believe Pap has been gone 20 years, Grandma Freda 18, and Mam almost 14.  Soon my own parents will pass away and there is still so much unsaid, so much that separates us instead of binds us together. I love my parents, they are the only set I have, sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if things didn't go the way they went.

I went to the gastreo doctor yesterday and he is going to an abdomen CT and wants to do a colonoscopy but I think I am going to call back and cancel that test. I would have to get a COVID test and honestly, I don't want to. I have heard of people with no symptoms getting symptoms after the test and I don't want to take that chance.  Plus the tool they use is so long it goes up your nose and down your throat and that scares me worse than the actual colonoscopy.  Guess what, big surprise here but that makes me angry.  I am trying to laugh it off, but I am just really tired of all of this.  I am tired of the anger and hatred, I am tired of the Trump bashing, I am tired of people judging other people because they don't believe in the mass hysteria that the media has caused. I am tired of name calling and bickering, the fear that maybe just maybe some of the conspiracies Randall believes in are actually true. I want to live a long life but I believe the end times are near. I don't know if Jesus will come back while I am still on this earth or not, but each day that plays out Revelations, makes me think it is coming sooner than many expect and I am scared for my family that they might not be ready.

Tomorrow is another day and I am going to try to push myself out of that bed. I might try to go to bed earlier tonight and see what happens. If I could just get the dogs and cats to leave me alone until 6 or even 5:30 and I could get uninterrupted sleep for 5 to 6 hours, I think I would feel better overall.  Maybe I will try to shut my door and see what happens.

Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 3

What I have come to realize is that I have been angry for quite some time.  I guess I have just internalized the anger and it finally just had no place else to go but out. I could spend hours, days, weeks talking about the anger I feel towards my family, my friends, my church, losing my job, changes, social media, the world.......it would literally take awhile, but what I really need to focus on the most is that I have been angry with myself.  I have told myself (subconsciously) that I will never be enough.  Enough for who I am not sure, but I would assume I was trying to be enough for everybody.  What I need to focus on is being enough for ME!  I want to be enough for Jesus!  If I can meet those two goals, everything else doesn't matter.

I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, just three days after weighing myself for this blog on Tuesday. I know that you are not supposed to weigh multiple times through the week, but I thought even if I saw just a couple of ounces difference it would make getting up and walking every morning better, but here goes that ANGER word again. I was angry to see that I had jumped up to 311.4.  It is the first time I have gone over 310 and this was naked, so who knows what it would have been that day if I went to the doctors.  I was angry and I thought to myself "what is the use"....but I was scheduled to meet June so I left out of the house. (I want to believe I would have gone even if she wasn't waiting for me, but I honestly don't know).  When I got to her house she wasn't there, I waited for a few minutes and came back home to get my phone, sent her a text, turned on my Christian workout music and away I went. I stayed out a full hour and got almost 8000 steps. It felt good, I feel like my workout pants fit better (the reason I thought it would be good to weigh again), my feet hurt BUT I feel so much better at the end of the day. I have more energy to get me through and my brain feels a little cleared.  June overslept but I still went and that makes me happy.  It makes it enough.  We were supposed to meet again today but she wasn't there again. I didn't bother texting her this time, I just went ahead and did my hour and came home and took the dogs on a lap around the block and right now I have over 9,500 steps.  That is enough.  Now I have to get ready to go so we can get the parent's groceries and then I am going to get new shoes to hopefully help my feet.  My shoes are so old, I feel like I am walking on the road at times.

Anger really is a good motivator. I don't want to to dwell on the anger, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness. I want to dwell on what makes me happy and whole. I want to spend time with my immediate family, I want to do a good job at work, I want to make gifts that people love, and I want to figure out a way to pay down my debt. I don't know how I can do all of that, but one day at a time until the good Lord calls me home, is how I want to live my life. I want to find a church....maybe I won't get so involved this time, maybe instead of focusing on helping everybody with everything, I will just go to help me. I don't know if the boys or JC will ever get back to the place of wanting to go, but I can't let them stop me.

As far as my weight, I am going to stick to weighing once per week. I will start next Saturday and will weigh in every Saturday.  I am not sure if I will post it every week, but I will let it be a motivator for me, for the choices I make regarding food and drinks and how much I walk.

A song from the Lewis Family just popped into my head, what a wonderful thought to pop up as I am about to sign off....I can't remember which song it is, but it says "and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own".  Thank you Lord for that reminder.  I am yours and I am enough for me.  Today will be good day.

Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 2

Today was the third day in a row that I walked. It was hard to roll out of bed, but I did it and I walked 1.77 miles and went a little longer than I did yesterday.  June, our newest neighbor was outside and asked if I wanted a partner, so it looks like maybe I will have her as another motivator. I sure know I need it.  I am still angry but I am trying not to dwell on it.  I am starting to loathe Social Media, so if I could step back from it, I think that would definitely help.

So yesterday, I shared that I was back over 300 pounds. This makes me angry!  But I want to do something about it, so I am going to set my first small goal.  I was 310 at the doctors a couple of weeks ago.  I might be more now, but I am going off of my scale (naked).  This morning I was 307.9.  My first goal is to get down to 297 (just a little more than 10 pounds).  It might take me awhile, but once I hit that goal, I will set my next one.  I am always trying to aim for the BIG goal but that has never worked for me, even when I had the sleeve surgery.

I know my food choices and drinking water is key.  I am not going to try to work on all three at the same time, right away, but yesterday I did drink 3 small waters which is 30 ounces. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it is pretty good. I have rarely been able to meet the recommended 60 ounces per day.....but I will try.

I don't have much time to talk about much anger today, which is probably a good thing, but I am still going to use it as a motivator.  Until next time.

Anger is a Great Motivator....Part 1

Yesterday morning, I woke up angry.  I can't say that it was just one thing.  I feel like it had been building and it just finally all came to a head.  I was angry at myself, at my husband, at my kids, at my family, at my friends, and at the world in general.  Anger is not something that normally drives me, but I didn't want to talk or yell or ignore it like I usually do.....so I went for a walk.  It felt good (until I got home and realized it was too hot, I am too out of shape, and I was probably dehydrated).  I paid the price the rest of the day because my head pounded until I took some Advil finally around 5pm.  But it felt good to do something!!

The World's unrest is getting to me.  I don't feel free to share my true thoughts on my Facebook page because I have so many liberal "friends" on my page that would condemn me in a heartbeat.  One girl from high school (whom actually irritated me back then as well) called me uneducated and irresponsible because I posted a meme about people following the government without a thought.  I removed the post rather than get into an argument. I was silenced! On my own page....it was my choosing, but it makes me angry.

I have been watching my friend count on Facebook and over the past couple of weeks one or two friends have been removed. I refuse to delete any friends because of our differences in opinions, however, I have blocked many so their rhetoric doesn't fill my news feed or my head. But I spent a couple of hours one day trying to find which of my liberal "friends" deleted me, and couldn't find it and then Saturday night I found out who it was.  It was my niece.  She signed into her mother's account and read messages that we sent back and forth. I guess she was angry because her mom told me what a spoiled entitled brat she is being and I told her mom what I felt. I didn't sugar coat it like everybody else in her world does. I didn't coddle her.  So she supposedly gets depressed because of that (and I assume that is when she deleted me), and on the day her mother was supposed to go on a date for the first time since her father died almost 3 years ago, she tried to kill herself by taking 3 weeks of her medication. When she finally woke up, she told her mom she didn't remember taking them but if she did it was her fault. I am tired of the drama from down there. I am tired and I am angry. After everything I have done for them. I have tried hard to help them since Rick died, but I am done. I helped pay for his cremation. I paid for them all to get lockets to keep his ashes. I paid for a new bed for Angela because he died in the bed. I have tried to be supportive in other ways since I lost my job and can't afford to do monetary help anymore. I let Alayna use my Care Credit card to get her cat treated last week. I refuse to sit by and tell them the way they live is normal. It is not okay to act like that at 17. I guess more than anger...I am hurt. Instead of talking to me about it so we could talk it out she just removes me. I know I am 44, but I have never had that many friends that have stuck it out with me....Facebook is just a reminder that it continues and that makes me angry. It shouldn't be important and the fact that it is important to me, makes me angry.

The Main Stream Media (MSM) lies and twists information and that is where most of my liberal "friends" are getting their information. President Trump kicked off July 4th with a speech in front of Mount Rushmore. They are saying he was dividing the country by race. That was a lie. The left hates Trump so much that they would do anything to remove him from office and now that three years of impeachment trials didn't succeed I am truly beginning to believe that the Pandemic and the Riots are all part of their plan. They wanted to keep the country locked down for the rest of the year. They want the people dependent on them. They want to pay out money that our country doesn't have to all citizens (and illegal citizens) for the foreseeable future. They are all crazy. People don't understand that this ideology that nobody needs to work and the government will take care of us is ridiculous. Trump is getting too close to wiping them away and they are scared. They will do anything. I truly believe we are living out Revelations which means it is only going to get worse. I love living in America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but it is getting bad and I long for the days that we in Heaven, with no more tears or heartache, no more pain, no more anger. The world, politicians, and MSM make me angry.

I am angry with the church. I feel like I gave my heart and soul to a church family for 10+ years and even though I am the one that stopped going, I feel like they have deserted me. The year or two before we stopped going, I had been pulling out of things. I stopped leading a youth group, I stopped helping with OIAM and GAKAC, I stopped being available, and then I stopped being important to the church. There have been a few people who type the obligatory "I miss you" messages on my Facebook page, there has been one or two people who have checked on my over the past year, but I feel let down. I am hurt and I am angry. I want to find a new church up here where I live, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I don't want to go alone and I know JC and the boys won't go. I am angry at the choices I have made in the past 3 years that have led us to this point.

Finally, I took a hard long look into the mirror and I am angry at how I have let myself go again. I had surgery almost 6 years ago and never got down to the size I wanted but I was closer than I had been in a long time. I didn't put in the work. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't drink the amount I was supposed to drink. I got lazy and complacent and now I am back over 300 pounds again. I can't believe I even wrote that "out loud".  I am embarrassed and I am angry.  So since I can't do anything about the other issues, I knew I could make a step for this. I went for a walk and it worked. I walked hard and fast (and like I said I ended up regretting that) but it felt good....and I did it again this morning. This morning I am not quite so angry, this morning it was much cooler, this morning, I didn't walk quite as hard and I feel okay.  Better than okay because I have realized I can't wait on anybody else. I want JC to join me, but I can't rely on him because he has given up (that is a whole other blog)...so I am motivated by the anger I feel and I hope that it continues to motivate me....even if I don't lose any weight, I believe walking is helping me to clear my head and my heart of all of this anger. I hope to continue that and to continue to come here to post, to get it off my chest, and to heal from the inside out.

I am angry....but I am motivated....Please Lord, let me turn this anger around for good. Help me to find a way to relieve this burden of anger. Help me to lean on you and to find a place of fellowship where I can share the love I have to share. Help me to reach out to you in my times of peace and in my times of anger. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.

Pandemic Must be Gone....Now it's time for a Race War

Well, I got to say the year 2020 is definitely one for the books.  They tried to impeach the President in January...it didn't work.  They tried to shut down the economy through the end of the year, with the Pandemic, it wasn't working.  The country was just about to open back up when this person, who was a cop at the time, murdered a black man who was in custody and who wasn't resisting.  We watched it on video. The man had no remorse. He sat on this man's neck for almost 10 minutes.  Even after he stopped moving, he continued to sit on him.  The man died.  It was a horrible way to die.  At one point he called for him mom.  It breaks my heart. 

The black community has every right to be upset.  The entire country was upset with them. Everybody stood up to call for change.....but then!!!  Then peaceful protesters turned into people who want to riot.  I don't know who paid who to start the riots, or if anybody even did. Democrats say it is right-winged people starting a Race War....Republicans are saying Democrats are trying one last ditch effort to get President Trump out of the White House.  People are being injured and killed. Streets are being blocked, trucks are getting ransacked, stores are being looted, houses and business, and churches are being burned to the ground.  Cops who had nothing to do with these incidents are being injured and killed. When is enough enough??

Somebody on Facebook posted this:

"If someone murdered my son in cold blood while he begged for his life and I knew there was little chance that justice would ever be served, I'd want to burn the world down too. I'd want everyone to burn it down with me. I'd want every single person across the country to feel and see my rage and my pain. I would set fire to everything until I was heard....until EVERYONE in the country cared enough to stop turning a blind eye to these injustices or making excuses for them.

I'd burn it all the way down.

I'm not saying it's right.

I'm saying I understand."

-Author unknown

I started to respond with this message....but I stopped myself. It isn't worth it.

I don't want to argue against this statement, because I can see the point, but George Floyd's family does not want the whole world burnt down. They want all of this to stop. They absolutely have the right to feel the rage and pain and ache for everybody in the country to care, but when does it stop? After they burn every city down? After they have beaten, maimed or killed a hundred, a thousand, a million people in their rage? After they have stolen all of the shoes, clothing, and electronics that they can handle? Those who are peacefully protesting were getting their voices heard, but those who are choosing to riot in the other ways are making it hard to hear the voices of those begging for change. They (the people who are rioting) are hurting the cause more than they are helping it.

We are being divided. If you don't choose a side you are criticized. You are called a racist. If you do pick a side, you risk losing friends...depending on which side you take, there will always be somebody who no longer wants anything to do with you. Sisters are fighting against sisters. Sons and fathers and/or mother are divided. Neighbors and friends, social media acquaintances and groups are divided. I am so tired of all of it. These are definitely the end times. Come Jesus Come!

Groundhog Day or Pandemic Blues

Well it is now May and not much has changed.  NC is still under an executive order to stay at home through this Friday, May 8th.  I don't think the Governor will extend it again because people are getting antsy to get back to work.  Our economy is struggling and the government just wants to keep giving people money instead of opening things back up.  Some people haven't worked in two months and they are struggling. I have been so blessed to be able to work from home.  I did it for 11 years, so this is nothing new to me. I have been super busy with my normal job and have also picked up a part time data entry contract job through a law firm out of Colorado. I just want to pay down my debt, but it seems the harder I work, the more debt I accrue. I have also been busy making crafts since there is nothing else going on.

We have been spending lazy days outside laying in the hammock, having fires with s'mores, and binge watching TV. I need to get out more but my allergies are about to do me in. The pollen has been so bad, that when I am outside for even just a few minutes, I feel it....and if I am outside for several hours...I feel it for several days. 

Shopping is the most stressful thing I have to do during this time. When I shop for us, I get up at 6 and am waiting in line at Walmart at 7 when the doors open. I try to get as much as I can, even if we don't need it because people are hoarding everything and soon the meat supply will be in short supply because of the plants shutting down. They finally have toilet paper back on the shelf but not a lot, which is fine, because we are good for now.....When I shop for my in-laws, I usually place the order on line but then have to replace several items that are out of stock by the time I check out. The time slots are filling up fast, and by the time we pick up the order, usually there are a lot of items that have to be substituted or are just not available....then I have to go to another store to get what I couldn't order. It makes for a long day.

I don't want to go back into the office, I am content working from home, but I will do what I have to do when they tell us to go back. Even with being familiar with working from home, I am starting to get antsy though, maybe a little depressed. It seems like every day is the same. Wake up, eat, work, eat, watch tv, eat, watch more tv, eat more. I need to go take walks to break up the monotony, but I have no energy and it is so hot now....plus did I mention the allergies.  I just want to feel better. I thought by now with the allergy shots I would be better, but this spring season apparently is very bad.

The Paralegal State Bar Exam was cancelled in April. It got pushed back to October, so now I have to wait. Thankfully, I already paid and that will just be applied to the October exam instead of April, but that means I have longer to lose the information I was trying to retain....getting old isn't pretty.

I sound like I am complaining, in reality I am just ready for a new norm.  This "new" norm is getting very old. I am so very blessed in that I still have a job to support my family. I don't want to ever take that for granted so I am asking God to give me a new outlook and a new desire to get healthier and happier, even if that means I have to walk or work out by myself. I can't keep depending on other people doing it with me, and then when they don't, just giving up.

So this is May, lets see what June holds. If I think about it, I will try to write again before next month, but these days, I am lucky if I remember to do it once a month. 

It's April and we Have a Pandemic

Well another month has come and gone.  Alot has changed since the beginning of March.  The world is in a Pandemic due to COVID-19 or the Coronavirus.  This virus was found back in November/December in China but supposedly just made it's way here in March. The entire country is basically shut down. Hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs. Stores are sold out of things like toilet paper, paper towels, lysol and clorox cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, canned foods, meats.  It is incredible how selfish some people were at the beginning of this.  People went around buying up all of the supply and then selling it on Amazon at double or triple the price.  At this point, I just want to be able to order my in-laws groceries without spending extra time replacing items that are sold out by the time I place my order.  I would like to be able to make my list and know I can feed my family for two weeks.  It is getting somewhat better now, but it was a little scary for a little bit there.  The Governor of NC has us on lock down. We are supposed to be in our houses unless we have to be out for essential needs like doctor's appointments or getting food.  So many small businesses will be shut down by this.  States are having problems keeping up with the unemployment requests.  I am so blessed to have a job and a company who is allowing us to work from home 100% of the time.  The brands (Food Lion, Hannaford, Giant, Giant Food, and Stop & Shop) have hired thousands of people to stock, clean, and check out customers and plan to hire even more in the upcoming weeks.  JC feels trapped in the house. He is struggling especially since all sports have been cancelled.  There is no Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Racing.  He doesn't know what to do. For me, I actually love it.  Other than worrying about the food aspect, I like being home all the time, especially for work.  I like that the boys are all home, except Randall when he is working. I like that things have slowed down and we are eating more meals together as a family. I do miss watching Jeremy play sports. All sports are shut down and he had just started playing for a Club league for the first time this spring. I feel sorry for the girls soccer team at South Rowan. They were doing so well.  They were 5-0 when it was stopped.  Some seniors won't get a prom or graduation. South Rowan has said they will it might just look different then they expected. 

I haven't crafted in a couple of weeks. I just haven't felt motivated. I also haven't read.  We planted new bushes and I attempted to start cleaning/organizing my office space.  I am going to try real hard to finish that task up this weekend.  Things are kind of just in limbo right now. I did make JC just new shirts and I a memorial box for Gladys.  I am going to see what else I can get into this weekend.  On top of my full time job, which I am doing at home, I have also gotten a second job that is temporary but pays real good.  It is a data entry project that should last through April and if they like my work, they may ask for help again.  I am hoping it can be a long term deal and that it can help me pay down my debt a little at a time.  For a part time job where I don't have to leave my house, it is amazing and it is dealing with contracts, so I think it is pretty great, but that will take away some of my crafting time.

That is really all that is going on right now.  It is almost 8 so I am going to sign off and start my day.  I am so thankful it is Friday.  It has been a long week. 

Until next time.

How is it March Already?

I think the older I get, the faster the days are going by.  I can't believe we are already in March of the year 2020.  Which means I let the whole month of February go by without writing again.  I have just been busy healing, working, reading, and crafting.  I enjoy reading so much, I can't believe I went an entire year without picking up a book.  For so many years, I just read and read. I honestly think it was the first time I was truly depressed.  The only thing I can attribute it to, is losing Hemi.  It stinks....loving someone or something so much sets you up to be hurt with their loss.

I have made a few crafts in the past month that I really love.  The Dr. Pepper glasses were a gift for a friend at work that had a real bad car accident.  The Wine coasters was just for fun, not sure what I will do with them yet, the cat on the books is a library bag I made for me to transport my books back and forth from the library, the shadow box with Hemi and Krissie are for me, the one with Rocko was a gift for Sandi after she had to put him down, and the Son/Feather is for a sweet lady that works where I get my allergy shots.  Her son killed himself the week before last. I just found out last week, and it made me very sad. I hope it doesn't make her sad.  I love making gifts for my friends and family....personalizing them for the place they are at currently.

I need to find a way to make money to pay off my school loans, personal loans, and credit card debt.  I am trying to pay one off at a time, but I am back down to just the biggest ones. The total amount  of all of these together is mind boggling. I want to work hard and pay it off. I am not asking for a handout, but I am at my wits end, trying to dig myself out of this hole I am in.  I keep hoping I win the Givling game eventually, which will reduce my school loan by $50k.  Maybe one day Ellen will take pity on me, and pay off the house or the school loan.....HAHA....I know wishful thinking.  I will figure something out, I always do.

I need to run to grab a shower now that my work day is over.  I love that my job has given me the option to work from home twice a week.  It helps tremendously with my soul.  After my shower, I am going to pick up my new office chair.  This one has finally broken completely and it can't be repaired. I will miss it. I kept it even when it stopped going up and down, because Hemi was able to sleep on the back of it.....but since he is gone, nothing is stopping me now.

Fibroids...PCOS...Menopause....oh My!

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Rollins today and have been cleared to go back to normal activities.  I am excited.  I have gained so much weight over the past 2 years, now that I feel so much better (little to no pain/cramps), I want to get back to exercising and hopefully learning to eat right and drop some of this weight.

My appointment went well, everything looks good, however, I am a little bummed and that drives me crazy.  I should just be happy, but she confirmed that I will continue to have PCOS until I hit menopause.  I was hoping that wouldn't be the case....but such is life.  PCOS will end once I hit menopause but then....well...then there is menopause. But I am grateful. I am no longer in pain, so I can handle this.

I didn't want to say anything because I wasn't sure that JC heard her right after my surgery, but she confirmed today that my uterus was huge.  Huge as in a normal uterus weighs 50 grams and mine was 344 grams.  Normally it is approximately 7 cm, but mine was 15.5 cm.  Most of that size came from one of the fibroids which was 6.5cm.  I feel like knowing this has validated me.  I wasn't crazy.  The pain was real. It was constant. It was causing lower back pain, cramps, the need of a heating pad even on days when I wasn't on my period. It was causing shooting pain down my legs and at times made me feel as if I was going to pass out from the intense pain.  The pain is gone and I am happy....if I have a little pity party, it will be over soon.  Below are some pictures I found on Google so one day I will be able to look back at this and see how very blessed that I have been given a new lease on life and I want to do something with it.

I Can See Clearer Now - It's 2020

LOL OK, well the title leaves a little to be desired, but I thought it was funny.  I loved the Facebook post where people were saying Barbara Walters should have hosted so when the ball dropped she could say, "I'm Barbara Walters, and this is 20/20".

The year has gotten off to a quick start.  I went back to work last week after two weeks off. I started off slowly and took a couple of 1/2 days, had off for the 1st and then worked from home Thursday and Friday.  This past Monday was my first full day back in the office and I felt great...initially.  By 3:30 was extremely exhausted and had a headache.  It is hard to realize that even though I feel great, I still get so tired throughout the day.  I worked from the office Monday and Tuesday and thanks to the grace of my wonderful boss, I am working from home the rest of the week.  I am surely blessed and trying to listen to what my body needs...and right now, it needs rest.

It is already the 9th of January. I can't believe how fast the days are passing.  Jeremy just started his second semester of his Junior year.  He is still playing Basketball through February I believe.  He has a plan to ref this Spring and try to get a job this Summer while he does Soccer workouts as well.  He is busy busy and is talking about going to College. I don't see how it will work but if that is his dream, I hope he can make it happen. I wish we were in a better position to help all of the boys get the education they want, but we are barely holding on with our own debt at this point...but I am not thinking negative today.

I FINALLY made the decision to remove the medicine reminder from my phone calendar for Hemi.  You would think it wouldn't have been a huge decision, but on January 1st, I decided it was time....I felt like throwing up when I did it, and almost stopped myself, but I did it. I am actually proud of myself. It was the only thing left holding him here. It is hard to think that he made such an impact on my life. I loved him so much. He was my best friend that I could count on never letting me down. Sure he threw up all the time, and he was pushy, and annoying, but he loved me unconditionally.  Krissie too. She knew when I was sick or sad and she wouldn't let me sulk. I hit the jackpot when I got those two.  I hope Simba and Skylar eventually become that important to me. I love them and they are always hanging around but so far, it isn't quite the same as the attention Hemi gave me.  I must sound like a crazy person, but just trying to put into words how much he meant to me.

Tomorrow I go back to my doctor for my 4-week checkup.  I am excited to see if I can start doing more or if I have to wait another 4 weeks to start lifting again.  I am sure it is the latter, but I can hold out hope.

I have been playing with my cricut and have plans to do some crafts with Audra in the upcoming weeks.  I have also just scheduled a bi-weekly Study Group for the Paralegal Exam in April.  We only have a few times to meet between now and then so it will start this Saturday.  I have also been using a Quizlet app to help me study.  It is a multiple choice test so I hope I pass. I am not the best test taker but at least it is multiple choice so I, again, can hold out hope. :-)

I need to get back to work now.  I am feeling a little under the weather with sinuses again but trying to push through.

Here is to a better year in 2020.  The future is so bright...I have to wear shades!

Looking Forward to 2020

Well, it is New Years Eve at the end of 2019.  As we head into 2020, I thought I would take a minute to reflect on the past year and look forward to new things in the upcoming year.

2019 wasn't as bad as 2018, in fact, I feel like it flew by faster than any other year of my life.  Every year, we struggle with debt, so this year was no different, however, it was a little easier to breathe after getting hired full time last February.  In the new year, I want to focus on getting that debt paid down so I can't breathe even better.

Some of the good things that happened in 2019:
* Got hired full time at RBS.  The building is 6 minutes away and I get to work from home 2 days a week.
* Made some new friends/acquaintances.  I hate to say friends because honestly, I feel like I am a "forgotten" friend. Very few of my friends call me, check on me, or anything. If I am included, it is usually as an after-thought. If I don't call them first, we just don't talk...and I have become okay with that.  I have met several new people at work and have made new friendships.  Audra and I have hung out and plan to work on crafts next year.  She has been very good to me and even came to sit with me after I had surgery.
* Completed a 6-month program through UNCC to obtain a Paralegal Certification (and will sit for the NC State Bar Paralegal exam in April).
* Refinanced the house and no longer have to deal with the most horrible customer service department in the world.
* Watched Jeremy play Soccer and Basketball
* Got a Cricut machine
* FINALLY, I had a hysterectomy on December 13th.  This was originally scheduled back in 2018 but once I lost my job, I had to cancel it.  I should have just done it in May instead of waiting, but alas, shoulda...woulda...coulda....I am about 2.5 weeks out from surgery and I am already so grateful for the relief of pain. I hope it only gets better from here.  I have had minimal pain from the actual surgery, the incisions have healed, and so far no extreme pain or shooting pain down my leg.  I am grateful.

So in 2020, I want to do more.  I want to give more, I want to pay more on my debt, I want to make more crafts, I want to hike, I want to walk more, I want to walk more towards the Run the Year 2020 program that Kim, Mom, and I signed up for again, I want to read more, and I want to spend more quality time with my family.  I want to find a new church and actually start going again. I want to blog/journal more. I want to get back to being more of who I used to be.  I want to actually send out letters/cards this year, spend less time on electronics, and try to lose some of this excess weight.  I think if the weight of the world is released (journaling) and the weight of this body is decreased, I will feel so much better about myself.

So this is me. This is who I want to be in the future.  Happy New Years from Salisbury, NC!!