What I have come to realize is that I have been angry for quite some time. I guess I have just internalized the anger and it finally just had no place else to go but out. I could spend hours, days, weeks talking about the anger I feel towards my family, my friends, my church, losing my job, changes, social media, the world.......it would literally take awhile, but what I really need to focus on the most is that I have been angry with myself. I have told myself (subconsciously) that I will never be enough. Enough for who I am not sure, but I would assume I was trying to be enough for everybody. What I need to focus on is being enough for ME! I want to be enough for Jesus! If I can meet those two goals, everything else doesn't matter.
I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, just three days after weighing myself for this blog on Tuesday. I know that you are not supposed to weigh multiple times through the week, but I thought even if I saw just a couple of ounces difference it would make getting up and walking every morning better, but here goes that ANGER word again. I was angry to see that I had jumped up to 311.4. It is the first time I have gone over 310 and this was naked, so who knows what it would have been that day if I went to the doctors. I was angry and I thought to myself "what is the use"....but I was scheduled to meet June so I left out of the house. (I want to believe I would have gone even if she wasn't waiting for me, but I honestly don't know). When I got to her house she wasn't there, I waited for a few minutes and came back home to get my phone, sent her a text, turned on my Christian workout music and away I went. I stayed out a full hour and got almost 8000 steps. It felt good, I feel like my workout pants fit better (the reason I thought it would be good to weigh again), my feet hurt BUT I feel so much better at the end of the day. I have more energy to get me through and my brain feels a little cleared. June overslept but I still went and that makes me happy. It makes it enough. We were supposed to meet again today but she wasn't there again. I didn't bother texting her this time, I just went ahead and did my hour and came home and took the dogs on a lap around the block and right now I have over 9,500 steps. That is enough. Now I have to get ready to go so we can get the parent's groceries and then I am going to get new shoes to hopefully help my feet. My shoes are so old, I feel like I am walking on the road at times.
Anger really is a good motivator. I don't want to to dwell on the anger, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness. I want to dwell on what makes me happy and whole. I want to spend time with my immediate family, I want to do a good job at work, I want to make gifts that people love, and I want to figure out a way to pay down my debt. I don't know how I can do all of that, but one day at a time until the good Lord calls me home, is how I want to live my life. I want to find a church....maybe I won't get so involved this time, maybe instead of focusing on helping everybody with everything, I will just go to help me. I don't know if the boys or JC will ever get back to the place of wanting to go, but I can't let them stop me.
As far as my weight, I am going to stick to weighing once per week. I will start next Saturday and will weigh in every Saturday. I am not sure if I will post it every week, but I will let it be a motivator for me, for the choices I make regarding food and drinks and how much I walk.
A song from the Lewis Family just popped into my head, what a wonderful thought to pop up as I am about to sign off....I can't remember which song it is, but it says "and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own". Thank you Lord for that reminder. I am yours and I am enough for me. Today will be good day.
No comments:
Post a Comment