This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. The thought of rolling out of the bed and taking the few steps from my room to my office was too much. This scares me.
There was a time, back when my twins were babies, that I began feeling like this. I was scared all of the time. I wouldn't leave my apartment without my husband because I just knew the boys and I would be killed. I went through many trials of mind drugs that ended up giving me negative reactions. I saw a psychiatrist, which helped the first time I saw her, but made things worse the second time I went and found out I was in the wrong office. I couldn't plan for the future because in my mind, I didn't have one....thinking even a day ahead was hard for me. I don't ever want to go back to that time. It finally took me taking myself off of my Birth Control pills, which the doctors refused to believe, but I saw first hand.
So this morning when I realized I was feeling this way, I resisted the urge to stay in bed and started working. Every time I glanced outside to that empty bird nest, my heart seized and tears began. I felt rediculous, I felt that I was over-reacting, I felt sad! The day was going relatively well until I found a mistake while compiling the audit samples for my job. I found a mistake - the mistake didn't originally start with me, but it is a mistake I SHOULD have caught back in February. Granted, it is a mistake that I have never seen, it was not something that was supposed to happen, but it did, and I missed it. I immediately notified my supervisor and the worry began. I worked myself into a real tizzy. There has never been a mistake on this particular report in the 9 years we have handled it, so my perfectionist self esteem was definitely in the toilets. My bosses' boss was out of the office and it seemed the longer I waited, the more stress I felt, right around 2:30, I started getting the blurriness in my eye - this time it started in my left eye, which was weird, so I took a shower, hoping to get rid of some of the tenseness and praying I would be able to see the computer when I came back....THANKFULLY, the meeting was postponed until tomorrow and my boss told me to take the rest of the day off because I couldn't see the screen at all. The nap and the Advil helped, the blurriness is gone, but the headache is still throbbing. I don't think the mistake will be counted as a miss against this report. I will probably have a miss on the PE Report, but as bad as that is, it would be far worse if it was on the Audit. Hopefully I will find out tomorrow one way or another. I can't stand the thought that I made a mistake, but I am human and I know it happens. I am my own worse critic.
A call from my good friend Patricia woke me up around 5. I haven't heard her voice in many months. She has been out of work and depressed, so I understand her hesitancy in calling friends. Depression is hard. She called with good news, she started a new job today. I am so happy for her. I miss her. So many things have changed since I first started working with her. At the end of May it will have been 10 years ago I started here. I expressed some of my feelings today, and talking to her brought tears to my eyes, and made me realize what I have been missing is the Bible. I haven't read it in several weeks and I can feel it. I am not in his Word and the happiness and joy I am used to feeling about life is missing because that is missing. I am going to change that! God is always faithful because he used Patricia to help me see what I needed to do. Although I really knew all ready, hearing it and saying it out loud really helped me...dare I say heal?
I finished reading a book on the Kindle tonight and WOW - it reminded me of ME so much. The anger and hurt from a father who was no longer in her life, misplaced anger towards the parent who stayed, the lack of communication in a family, the need for love and looking for it in all the wrong places....coming to understand that even without the love of an earthly father, our Father is always here, He never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is faithful and just and is here even when I pull away from Him. He has always been here even when I felt that he wasn't. He was here when my dad left, he was here when I was in High School and made so many mistakes, He was here with me yesterday as my heart broke watching the birds. He feels my pain, He holds me in His hands, He catches every tear I cry. He is faithful yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Nature is Cruel
I am so devastated right now at the loss of the baby birds. I feel like a part of me was tore out of that tree today. I got away from my desk for 15 mins at 4:15 and when I got back there were several birds flying all around the tree. I thought to myself that the birds were learning to fly so I grabbed my camera and started snapping. Within seconds, a crow flew out of the tree with at least 2 of the babies in his claws. Looking back at the picture I snapped...I actually had him in my camera view but didn't see him....He didn't have any birds then...so I could have hit the window and made him leave again. I was so excited for them to hit their next achievement, I didn't notice the immediate danger. We do this in our lives often - don't we?
I don't know if I was more heart broken to see the left over baby jump/fall out of the nest or to see the momma bird go back to her EMPTYnest after it was all over. But both about broke my heart. Should I feel this sad over nature? It seems odd to me but at the same time, I can't bring myself out of this funk. I was putting so much faith into this little bird family and with just one minute, it was tore apart. I thought then about the little boy who passed away from cancer this morning. His mom had posted on his Caring Bridge page that he would never be somebody...and I kept thinking to myself, he all ready is somebody. I can't imagine being in her shoes. Losing her baby after just 2 short years with him, after fighting for his life for at least 1 of those years. She kept asking what she would do with herself after he was gone...when there was nobody to feed or change or clean up or give medicine to. He was part of her identity. He was a big part of their lives and after fighting this horrible disease he was taken from them. Nature is cruel. Life is tough. After the incident with the birds, I kept hearing in my head "everything has a time to live and a time to die" - so that is the verse I am listing here tonight.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ESV)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Feeling Better - Physically, Spiritually, and Mentally
Well, the antibiotics are working and making my head less fuzzy, my ear pain less painful, and the sinus pressure less pressing! Mentally, my brain feels at rest. Spiritually, I feel that I have overcome this latest spiritual battle.
I have told a few people about my insecurities in knowing if I made the right decision in refusing to allow James to stay at his friend's house with no parents. I have been second-guessing myself, or should I say, the Devil has been working on me. My boss told me that I stood my ground and I let my son and his friends know that I will stand for what I believe in. Several people agreed that they would do the same thing. I am glad I did it and I pray that my relationship with my children does not become dysfunctional just as mine with my parents was when I was their age. It is hard to believe they are 14. I look at them and think back to when I was 14 and what a difference it makes.
We are gearing up to start working on the Give a Kid a Chance program with the church for the summer. I will start making the calls tomorrow. I am very excited. We are also going to be working in Cabarrus County on May 5th doing Operation In As Much. Right now we have approximately 150 volunteers and are hoping to get more signed up this Sunday. I love working with my church. I love working with Jesus Christ's Church. I found these Bible verses about serving:
Blessed are the Givers
Acts 20:35
"In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
If Jesus came to serve and then he died on the cross for ME, not as an observer, but as a participant....I am the reason he hung on that cross. My sins caused his agony....why then shouldn't I obey His word and serve others with my time, my money, and my whole heart?? I love you Jesus. Thank you for giving me hope and love when I don't deserve it. Thank you for making me who I am inside. Thank you for giving me a church family who makes it a priority to serve those in need.
The birds are still doing well. It has gotten quite cold the past few days and I worry about them...but so far...so good. Our fence is finally completed and we are thrilled with it. Here is a picture of our happy girl
I have told a few people about my insecurities in knowing if I made the right decision in refusing to allow James to stay at his friend's house with no parents. I have been second-guessing myself, or should I say, the Devil has been working on me. My boss told me that I stood my ground and I let my son and his friends know that I will stand for what I believe in. Several people agreed that they would do the same thing. I am glad I did it and I pray that my relationship with my children does not become dysfunctional just as mine with my parents was when I was their age. It is hard to believe they are 14. I look at them and think back to when I was 14 and what a difference it makes.
We are gearing up to start working on the Give a Kid a Chance program with the church for the summer. I will start making the calls tomorrow. I am very excited. We are also going to be working in Cabarrus County on May 5th doing Operation In As Much. Right now we have approximately 150 volunteers and are hoping to get more signed up this Sunday. I love working with my church. I love working with Jesus Christ's Church. I found these Bible verses about serving:
Blessed are the Givers
Acts 20:35
"In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"
- Love Your Neighbor
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
- Jesus came to Serve
and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
If Jesus came to serve and then he died on the cross for ME, not as an observer, but as a participant....I am the reason he hung on that cross. My sins caused his agony....why then shouldn't I obey His word and serve others with my time, my money, and my whole heart?? I love you Jesus. Thank you for giving me hope and love when I don't deserve it. Thank you for making me who I am inside. Thank you for giving me a church family who makes it a priority to serve those in need.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Protecting our Babies
I woke up this morning and as I sat down at my desk I heard this awful sound - the sound of a black crow. I instantly lifted up the blinds and located the biggest black bird I have ever seen sitting in the same tree where the babies are growing outside of my window. My heart started beating faster. The momma bird was sitting at the bottom of the tree, it looked to me that she felt helpless and hopeless. I hit the window and that crow took off. I calmed down and got about my day, every so often checking to see activity. For a long time I didn't, but just as my heart began to sink, the momma bird came back to the nest. I still haven't caught the babies so I am praying that they are still safe. On top of the big black crow scare, they dealt with rain last night, cold through the night into this morning, and wind that is practically bending this tree in half.
All of this got me to thinking about parents protecting thier children. I think I tend to go overboard, and this past weekend, I feel like I failed as a mom. James had asked last week if he could go to a friend's house to watch the Caps game with some friends. Neither of them ever ask to go places so I was excited but scared at the same time. I told him up front and several times that I would let him go as long as the kids' parents would be home. After giving me a little flack about that, he agreed and told his friend at school about the requirement....or so he says! Saturday afternoon came, I woke him up about 1:30 (he had been at an all-nighter at the church) and he got up and took a shower, ate some lunch, and we headed out. We got to the house and there were 5 or 6 guys outside playing hockey in the driveway. I got out of the car with him and waited while he said hi to everybody. Then he just stood there and I said "parents". The kid then informed us that his parents had just left for the car show. He said his 19 year old brother was home though. I told him no. I don't know any of these kids. I have never met them, nor have any of them been to our house so I can get to know them. I don't know the parents. I don't know the brother. There was so much unknown. My heart started beating fast just like it did this morning as I watched that crow sitting in my tree. I made a decision and that decision was to make him come home with me. My heart ached for him. As a teenager, how hard must it be to be that close to friends and have to turn away and walk back to the car with all of them watching. I was tempted at several times just to let him stay, but my heart couldn't do it. JC and I both explained to him that it is our responsibility to protect him and keep him safe until he is an adult. I don't want to shelter them. I want them to have friends. I want them to have the chance to make the right decisions themselves....but Saturday was not the day. I need to find more trust in them while we are at home. I need to know their friends and I need to know their friends' parents. I know I failed him by embarassing him in front of his friends....and I want to blame him and tell him that I warned him....but he all ready knows that. All I could do was tell him I was sorry, explain why I did it, and pray that he doesn't hate me.
Parenting is hard work. Feeding and clothing our babies is hard work. Protecting our babies is hard work. The birds in the tree have a whole different set of battles they face on a daily basis....like facing the winds and rain and birds that are 3 times their size. I googled "what does God say about protecting children" and the verses that came up are these:
Matthew 18:10 ESV / “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Mark 9:42 ESV / “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.
Psalm 127:3 ESV / Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Luke 17:2 ESV / It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.
Matthew 25:40 ESV / And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
I don't how these help in my situation, all I can do is pray to keep them safe each day and that God will guide my words and actions as we live day to day.
All of this got me to thinking about parents protecting thier children. I think I tend to go overboard, and this past weekend, I feel like I failed as a mom. James had asked last week if he could go to a friend's house to watch the Caps game with some friends. Neither of them ever ask to go places so I was excited but scared at the same time. I told him up front and several times that I would let him go as long as the kids' parents would be home. After giving me a little flack about that, he agreed and told his friend at school about the requirement....or so he says! Saturday afternoon came, I woke him up about 1:30 (he had been at an all-nighter at the church) and he got up and took a shower, ate some lunch, and we headed out. We got to the house and there were 5 or 6 guys outside playing hockey in the driveway. I got out of the car with him and waited while he said hi to everybody. Then he just stood there and I said "parents". The kid then informed us that his parents had just left for the car show. He said his 19 year old brother was home though. I told him no. I don't know any of these kids. I have never met them, nor have any of them been to our house so I can get to know them. I don't know the parents. I don't know the brother. There was so much unknown. My heart started beating fast just like it did this morning as I watched that crow sitting in my tree. I made a decision and that decision was to make him come home with me. My heart ached for him. As a teenager, how hard must it be to be that close to friends and have to turn away and walk back to the car with all of them watching. I was tempted at several times just to let him stay, but my heart couldn't do it. JC and I both explained to him that it is our responsibility to protect him and keep him safe until he is an adult. I don't want to shelter them. I want them to have friends. I want them to have the chance to make the right decisions themselves....but Saturday was not the day. I need to find more trust in them while we are at home. I need to know their friends and I need to know their friends' parents. I know I failed him by embarassing him in front of his friends....and I want to blame him and tell him that I warned him....but he all ready knows that. All I could do was tell him I was sorry, explain why I did it, and pray that he doesn't hate me.
Parenting is hard work. Feeding and clothing our babies is hard work. Protecting our babies is hard work. The birds in the tree have a whole different set of battles they face on a daily basis....like facing the winds and rain and birds that are 3 times their size. I googled "what does God say about protecting children" and the verses that came up are these:
Matthew 18:10 ESV / “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Mark 9:42 ESV / “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.
Psalm 127:3 ESV / Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Luke 17:2 ESV / It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.
Matthew 25:40 ESV / And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
I don't how these help in my situation, all I can do is pray to keep them safe each day and that God will guide my words and actions as we live day to day.
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Life of a Mom
Some same that being a parent isn't all it is cracked up to be. Some say it is the best job they have ever had. Some say they never wanted to do anything else....others say they never want to do it at all....but no matter your feelings of being a mom, I think it is safe to say a mother's job is never done.
It doesn't matter if you stay at home or work in an office, being a mom is a 24-hour job. She is a taxi driver, a cook, a seamstress, a referree, an enforcer, a teacher, a shoulder to cry on, a nurse, and the list goes on. This is not to say that Dads don't do their share. I know many hands-on dads who could be considered Mr. Moms. They do a great job as well...but speaking from a mother's point of view, I can say the job is relentless.
I didn't know quite how much this was true of everything...including birds...until I watch a mom and her 4 babies for a day.
The nest is right outside my window and I watched them build the nest a few weeks back when the tree hadn't gotten the leaves on it yet.
They did a great job and I have to admit as I watched them, I wondered why they bothered. But yesterday I saw why they took such care, flying here and there to build this nest with an intensity you don't often see of most humans. They wanted a safe place to have their babies. What mom (or dad) doesn't want this. A place to call home, a place to feel safe and protected from the elements. These birds found a safe place and made a shelter for their babies....then the babies are here and there focus changes...yesterday their focus was on feeding their little hungry babies....I am pretty sure they were both helping, but it might have just been the mom and she was very fast - who knows....but I can tell you that she was at it all day. She would fly away, come back with a worm or what looked like bread, she would stand on the edge of the nest while the 4 little babies sat with their mouths opened wide waiting for them to drop the food into their mouths. They didn't doubt their parents, they knew they would return bringing with it a morsel to fill their bellies. And those birds did this all day....she would rest for about 5 minutes laying on top of them, and then it was off again. I never saw her there for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't get enough of it. I snapped picture after picture waiting to see their little open beaks over the top of the nest nestled in the leaves of the tree in my front yard. And I thought to myself, I sit here at this desk, typing, and working, putting up with things I feel many don't have to put up with....but it could be worse...I could be laboring hard all day long just to put food in my babies' bellies. I am sitting in the air condition, in a comfy chair, only using my brain and my hands....I could be teetering on the edge of a nest, in the heat (with shade from the leaves), I could have to leave my boys and go outside of the home to look for food for them....I am so blessed to be able to have a job in this economy....a job that allows me to work from home, watch my children grow, to feed my family, and give them love. I am so blessed to sit here and be able to look out my window and see the love of God through the things He created...the trees, the grass, the sky, and the birds! Thank you Jesus!
It doesn't matter if you stay at home or work in an office, being a mom is a 24-hour job. She is a taxi driver, a cook, a seamstress, a referree, an enforcer, a teacher, a shoulder to cry on, a nurse, and the list goes on. This is not to say that Dads don't do their share. I know many hands-on dads who could be considered Mr. Moms. They do a great job as well...but speaking from a mother's point of view, I can say the job is relentless.
I didn't know quite how much this was true of everything...including birds...until I watch a mom and her 4 babies for a day.
The nest is right outside my window and I watched them build the nest a few weeks back when the tree hadn't gotten the leaves on it yet.
They did a great job and I have to admit as I watched them, I wondered why they bothered. But yesterday I saw why they took such care, flying here and there to build this nest with an intensity you don't often see of most humans. They wanted a safe place to have their babies. What mom (or dad) doesn't want this. A place to call home, a place to feel safe and protected from the elements. These birds found a safe place and made a shelter for their babies....then the babies are here and there focus changes...yesterday their focus was on feeding their little hungry babies....I am pretty sure they were both helping, but it might have just been the mom and she was very fast - who knows....but I can tell you that she was at it all day. She would fly away, come back with a worm or what looked like bread, she would stand on the edge of the nest while the 4 little babies sat with their mouths opened wide waiting for them to drop the food into their mouths. They didn't doubt their parents, they knew they would return bringing with it a morsel to fill their bellies. And those birds did this all day....she would rest for about 5 minutes laying on top of them, and then it was off again. I never saw her there for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't get enough of it. I snapped picture after picture waiting to see their little open beaks over the top of the nest nestled in the leaves of the tree in my front yard. And I thought to myself, I sit here at this desk, typing, and working, putting up with things I feel many don't have to put up with....but it could be worse...I could be laboring hard all day long just to put food in my babies' bellies. I am sitting in the air condition, in a comfy chair, only using my brain and my hands....I could be teetering on the edge of a nest, in the heat (with shade from the leaves), I could have to leave my boys and go outside of the home to look for food for them....I am so blessed to be able to have a job in this economy....a job that allows me to work from home, watch my children grow, to feed my family, and give them love. I am so blessed to sit here and be able to look out my window and see the love of God through the things He created...the trees, the grass, the sky, and the birds! Thank you Jesus!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tired...Spent...Drained
This week I have been so tired....emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.....I am spent....I did finally go to Urgent Care last night and got an antibiotic...my ear is feeling about 50% better today....now if I could do something about my lack of energy. My lack of caring. The spiritual warfare I have been struggling with. I know that I can do this....why do I keep putting it off?
For instance, I could be doing something now to make it better, but instead I am going to sign off of here and go lay down and try to finish my book. I really am trying to use this as an outlet...but I am starting to wonder if I might need some more help....a professional....I guess I will think more about that tomorrow...for now, I am off to relax.
For instance, I could be doing something now to make it better, but instead I am going to sign off of here and go lay down and try to finish my book. I really am trying to use this as an outlet...but I am starting to wonder if I might need some more help....a professional....I guess I will think more about that tomorrow...for now, I am off to relax.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Facebook Fast
Well, last Sunday I started a self-imposed Facebook Fast. It was great. I didn't quite make it 7 days, but I did make it 5 and only signed on yesterday to respond to the Girls game night questions. It helped me focus on other things...it is something I definitely need to do more often!
It cleared my head, it gave me extra time to read, to spend time with my family, to reflect on my relationship with God. It gave me time to see that when I meet Jesus face to face, I will have to answer for the jealousy that Facebook causes me. I have to realize that God made me who I am for His own reason and I can't look at my short fallings as mistakes, because then I am telling Him that he made a mistake...and well, HE DOESN'T.
I have so much to work on. I have so much to live for. I have so much to learn and teach and tell. God made me who I am for a reason and I am going to do whatever that is.
On another note, I need to start working on my scrapbooks, genealogy, quilts, and cards. I want to start working on my writing again too. So much to do, so little time!
The last two days have been emotional roller coasters for me. That always happens when JC and I don't see eye to eye on things. I don't like to talk or share about our arguments because they usually blow over and because I think our marriage is ours and nobody elses....but sometimes I crack...sometimes I have to talk to other people or I will just burst....I appreciate having a friend that I can talk to when that happens. It doesn't happen often and I don't trust many...but to have somebody that I can vent to is awesome. JC has been my best friend for 16 years, but it is kind of hard to vent to him about himself!! LOL
For now, things are OK....I am glad. And I am ready for bed, so I am going to go. Tomorrow is another day...and I will rejoice and be glad in it!
Thank you Lord for giving us a beautiful day like today. I pray that you will continue to guide me, to lead, and to cherish me. I am glad that you love me even if I sin. I am glad that you are a Father I can rely on all the time. I am glad that I no longer have to search for a missing love because you are always here for me. I pray that you help me become a better person inside and out so that I can share the good news of what you have done for others. I pray that you give me a clear mind and a clear heart so I don't get burned out. I pray that you give me the power of forgiveness, so I can forgive myself and forgive others when they let me down. Please watch over us Lord....if we ever needed you, Lord it's now.
Amen.
It cleared my head, it gave me extra time to read, to spend time with my family, to reflect on my relationship with God. It gave me time to see that when I meet Jesus face to face, I will have to answer for the jealousy that Facebook causes me. I have to realize that God made me who I am for His own reason and I can't look at my short fallings as mistakes, because then I am telling Him that he made a mistake...and well, HE DOESN'T.
I have so much to work on. I have so much to live for. I have so much to learn and teach and tell. God made me who I am for a reason and I am going to do whatever that is.
On another note, I need to start working on my scrapbooks, genealogy, quilts, and cards. I want to start working on my writing again too. So much to do, so little time!
The last two days have been emotional roller coasters for me. That always happens when JC and I don't see eye to eye on things. I don't like to talk or share about our arguments because they usually blow over and because I think our marriage is ours and nobody elses....but sometimes I crack...sometimes I have to talk to other people or I will just burst....I appreciate having a friend that I can talk to when that happens. It doesn't happen often and I don't trust many...but to have somebody that I can vent to is awesome. JC has been my best friend for 16 years, but it is kind of hard to vent to him about himself!! LOL
For now, things are OK....I am glad. And I am ready for bed, so I am going to go. Tomorrow is another day...and I will rejoice and be glad in it!
Thank you Lord for giving us a beautiful day like today. I pray that you will continue to guide me, to lead, and to cherish me. I am glad that you love me even if I sin. I am glad that you are a Father I can rely on all the time. I am glad that I no longer have to search for a missing love because you are always here for me. I pray that you help me become a better person inside and out so that I can share the good news of what you have done for others. I pray that you give me a clear mind and a clear heart so I don't get burned out. I pray that you give me the power of forgiveness, so I can forgive myself and forgive others when they let me down. Please watch over us Lord....if we ever needed you, Lord it's now.
Amen.
The Lord's Ballgame
THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME
Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.
The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.'
Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because 'Love never fails.'
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch.
Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches andGodly Wisdom walked because he never swings at what Satan throws.
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, 'He sure doesn't look like much!'
Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace.
Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen! But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by
He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground;the roaring crowds went wild as the ball continued over the fence . . for a home run!
The Lord's team won!
The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdomcould get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy answered that he didn't know why.
The Lord explained, 'If your love, faithand wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself.Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:
'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9
Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'
Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.
The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.'
Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because 'Love never fails.'
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.
The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch.
Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches andGodly Wisdom walked because he never swings at what Satan throws.
The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, 'He sure doesn't look like much!'
Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace.
Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen! But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by
He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground;the roaring crowds went wild as the ball continued over the fence . . for a home run!
The Lord's team won!
The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdomcould get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy answered that he didn't know why.
The Lord explained, 'If your love, faithand wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself.Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:
'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9
Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'
Friday, April 13, 2012
What is a Dream?
A dream is described from Dictionary.com below:
dream [dreem] Show IPA noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing, adjective
noun
1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
I've often thought of a dream in two ways....in the way that I have images in my head while I sleep. Most of the time I don't remember these dreams, if I wake up in the middle of, the foggy edges of it remain, but I am not good at remembering or interpreting what they mean. I've also thought of a dream, as something to look forward to, a goal to obtain, something to look forward to in the future....so today when I talk about dreams...this is the dream I am referring.
Lately, I have been known to say, "when I grow up, I want to be a photographer". This is unrealistic, because as of right now, I AM grown up. It is also unrealistic because I don't have any training, I am the point and click type of girl....and I think I have had some great shots before, but it's nothing to write home about. Do I love photography... absolutely.... would I be satisfied doing that as a career, I don't think so. Don't get me wrong...I don't think what I am doing right now would be be called satisfying, but it pays the bills, and as an adult, that is what I need to do - right??
Yesterday, I read a book on the Kindle, it was really good - a good almost wholesome book about a teenager and a new love. I couldn't put it down, which explains why I sit here with swollen eyes after staying up until 2:30 this morning. The book took me back to my high school days when writing was one of my loves. I loved to write stories and poems, I wrote a journal and a diary. I loved to type on my old typewriter and then computer just to type and words just seemed to flow. According to my Creative Writing teacher, I wasn't that good, but it didn't matter because I loved doing it. My dream back then was to be a teacher, a softball coach, and a writer. None of that happened. But that is OK - I wouldn't change the way things are now...first of all, I don't think I could handle the kids of this age. There is no discipline, there is a sense of self indulgence and it's all about me in most school aged kids...and I don't think I would have been very good dealing with that type of behaviour. Softball and writing...those were loves for me back then, I never dreamed I would live so long without it. I dreamed that I would always have something to do with Softball....but that isn't to be. The writing I stopped long around the time I met JC. I don't know why or how. I don't know if life just got too busy, if I had finally found what I was searching for that had kept me writing, or if I just was plumb worn out. Whatever the reason, I found myself no longer dreaming of writing stories for children, writing romance novels, and writing poems. Forcing myself to type on here each day this week, has helped me see that I still need an outlet and reading that book yesterday, helped me see that I could still do it. That dream, isn't dead. I can still do it. I can still find a way to use my writing as an outlet.
I am becoming tired of the mundane every day of my life. I am becoming tired of feeling like I do everything and yet feeling like I do nothing at the same time. I am tired of feeling that I don't matter. I am tired of feeling tired. Will writing make me wake up and throw these feelings out....maybe, I don't know...but I am willing to try. I am willing to try!
dream [dreem] Show IPA noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing, adjective
noun
1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
I've often thought of a dream in two ways....in the way that I have images in my head while I sleep. Most of the time I don't remember these dreams, if I wake up in the middle of, the foggy edges of it remain, but I am not good at remembering or interpreting what they mean. I've also thought of a dream, as something to look forward to, a goal to obtain, something to look forward to in the future....so today when I talk about dreams...this is the dream I am referring.
Lately, I have been known to say, "when I grow up, I want to be a photographer". This is unrealistic, because as of right now, I AM grown up. It is also unrealistic because I don't have any training, I am the point and click type of girl....and I think I have had some great shots before, but it's nothing to write home about. Do I love photography... absolutely.... would I be satisfied doing that as a career, I don't think so. Don't get me wrong...I don't think what I am doing right now would be be called satisfying, but it pays the bills, and as an adult, that is what I need to do - right??
Yesterday, I read a book on the Kindle, it was really good - a good almost wholesome book about a teenager and a new love. I couldn't put it down, which explains why I sit here with swollen eyes after staying up until 2:30 this morning. The book took me back to my high school days when writing was one of my loves. I loved to write stories and poems, I wrote a journal and a diary. I loved to type on my old typewriter and then computer just to type and words just seemed to flow. According to my Creative Writing teacher, I wasn't that good, but it didn't matter because I loved doing it. My dream back then was to be a teacher, a softball coach, and a writer. None of that happened. But that is OK - I wouldn't change the way things are now...first of all, I don't think I could handle the kids of this age. There is no discipline, there is a sense of self indulgence and it's all about me in most school aged kids...and I don't think I would have been very good dealing with that type of behaviour. Softball and writing...those were loves for me back then, I never dreamed I would live so long without it. I dreamed that I would always have something to do with Softball....but that isn't to be. The writing I stopped long around the time I met JC. I don't know why or how. I don't know if life just got too busy, if I had finally found what I was searching for that had kept me writing, or if I just was plumb worn out. Whatever the reason, I found myself no longer dreaming of writing stories for children, writing romance novels, and writing poems. Forcing myself to type on here each day this week, has helped me see that I still need an outlet and reading that book yesterday, helped me see that I could still do it. That dream, isn't dead. I can still do it. I can still find a way to use my writing as an outlet.
I am becoming tired of the mundane every day of my life. I am becoming tired of feeling like I do everything and yet feeling like I do nothing at the same time. I am tired of feeling that I don't matter. I am tired of feeling tired. Will writing make me wake up and throw these feelings out....maybe, I don't know...but I am willing to try. I am willing to try!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Not much to say today...unbelievably
Well, I don't have many thoughts running through my head today. I took a 800 mg Motrin last night and was asleep by 11 and slept through until 6 - I think that is the first 7-hour straight sleep I have had in a long while! Maybe that is why I am not feeling so down in the dumps today...
I have been on a roll posting on here, so I didn't want to stop while I have been doing so well. Spring Break for the boys is almost over. It hasn't been too bad. Jeremy and I worked on some of his Gold requirements for his AWANA program so I am glad that we have a good start. I am trying to get him to do as many of them as I can this week while he is off. I am hoping he is able to finish all of it.
I have some good kids! They annoy me sometimes (on purpose at times), but they are smart, and funny, and so good (at least outside of the house)....I am proud of them for the work they do in AWANA and for the church. I hope that doesn't diminish as they get older. I wish I had served God my entire life. I wish I had the opportunity to have the church family that they have when I was there age....I truly believe things would have been so different...don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my husband and my kids, but I just wish I had gotten here following God instead of running from Him.
I have learned so much about myself over the past 4 years. I have learned that I did what I did as a teenager because I was looking for my father's love. I felt that I needed to replace my eartly father's love, when all I had to do was rely on my Heavenly Father's love and mercy. Now if only I could understand that with the forgiveness of my sins by what Jesus did on the cross for me, that he has forgiven me, so I should be able to forgive myself for the way I strayed. I need to forgive myself or I will never be able to move forward.
Well...I didn't think I had much to say, but it seems to just keep coming out. One day, I hope that I am able to help other people - if I could do it by my writing, that would be awesome...but I have this terrible feeling that one day, God is going to ask me to speak to ladies or girls who have gone through what I have. If this is what He is calling me to do, I know I have to follow, but where I am today....I don't know how that will ever happen. I freak out when a microphone is handed to me. I blush blood red if I even have to just introduce myself to a group of ladies in a small group setting. I have a lot of growing to do no matter what He is going to expect of me. But I will do whatever He calls me to do until I enter into His Heavenly home.
I have been on a roll posting on here, so I didn't want to stop while I have been doing so well. Spring Break for the boys is almost over. It hasn't been too bad. Jeremy and I worked on some of his Gold requirements for his AWANA program so I am glad that we have a good start. I am trying to get him to do as many of them as I can this week while he is off. I am hoping he is able to finish all of it.
I have some good kids! They annoy me sometimes (on purpose at times), but they are smart, and funny, and so good (at least outside of the house)....I am proud of them for the work they do in AWANA and for the church. I hope that doesn't diminish as they get older. I wish I had served God my entire life. I wish I had the opportunity to have the church family that they have when I was there age....I truly believe things would have been so different...don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my husband and my kids, but I just wish I had gotten here following God instead of running from Him.
I have learned so much about myself over the past 4 years. I have learned that I did what I did as a teenager because I was looking for my father's love. I felt that I needed to replace my eartly father's love, when all I had to do was rely on my Heavenly Father's love and mercy. Now if only I could understand that with the forgiveness of my sins by what Jesus did on the cross for me, that he has forgiven me, so I should be able to forgive myself for the way I strayed. I need to forgive myself or I will never be able to move forward.
Well...I didn't think I had much to say, but it seems to just keep coming out. One day, I hope that I am able to help other people - if I could do it by my writing, that would be awesome...but I have this terrible feeling that one day, God is going to ask me to speak to ladies or girls who have gone through what I have. If this is what He is calling me to do, I know I have to follow, but where I am today....I don't know how that will ever happen. I freak out when a microphone is handed to me. I blush blood red if I even have to just introduce myself to a group of ladies in a small group setting. I have a lot of growing to do no matter what He is going to expect of me. But I will do whatever He calls me to do until I enter into His Heavenly home.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Memory(ies)
I have a great LONG TERM memory...short term, not so much!! Sometimes I wish I didn't...because I remember everything. I remember when somebody says somebody did them wrong, and then later makes them sound perfect...I think well what about this? I remember when people gossip and say stuff about other people and then when they move away, act like they are losing their best friend. I remember alot of details that many would forget....and I tend to hold that against people when I see that looking back, they have harmed these people without even knowing it. For these reasons, I am very glad that I am taking a break from Facebook..
Memories on the other hand....memories are little tidbits of time stored away to look on in later years. Memories are what you make with time spent with you family...not money spent. Memories are kept in journals and pictures. Sometimes they are great memories other times they are reminders of what is no longer. That is what happened to me this morning....Looking through some old pictures, I ran across JC's old car - the one he loved and sold to help try to keep our home. I ran across pictures of the boys and JC in the pool, the pool in the yard of the home we lost. I ran across pictures of our Blondie girl...the dog we had to give away when we lost the home and the back yard in which she had lived her whole life. I didn't cry. I didn't want to upset JC or Jeremy...but my heart cracked in two. It's been almost 2 years...I thankfully don't think of these things often...but today I am mourning what is no longer. It's a small pity party. I know that what is here will one day be gone. I know one day I will have a mansion all of my own, with my Saviour & King. I know that I am forgiven even today as I sin by placing more importance on these material things then necessary.
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. - Matthew 18:18
In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. - John 14:2-3
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21
Memories on the other hand....memories are little tidbits of time stored away to look on in later years. Memories are what you make with time spent with you family...not money spent. Memories are kept in journals and pictures. Sometimes they are great memories other times they are reminders of what is no longer. That is what happened to me this morning....Looking through some old pictures, I ran across JC's old car - the one he loved and sold to help try to keep our home. I ran across pictures of the boys and JC in the pool, the pool in the yard of the home we lost. I ran across pictures of our Blondie girl...the dog we had to give away when we lost the home and the back yard in which she had lived her whole life. I didn't cry. I didn't want to upset JC or Jeremy...but my heart cracked in two. It's been almost 2 years...I thankfully don't think of these things often...but today I am mourning what is no longer. It's a small pity party. I know that what is here will one day be gone. I know one day I will have a mansion all of my own, with my Saviour & King. I know that I am forgiven even today as I sin by placing more importance on these material things then necessary.
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. - Matthew 18:18
In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. - John 14:2-3
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21
Monday, April 09, 2012
What Does God Say About Friendship?
I am feeling melancholy today. I want to scream "Satan - Be Gone". I feel him whispering in my ear that I am unloved. I hear him telling me that I have no friends, nobody wants to talk to me, nobody wants to hang out with me, nobody wants to gather for girl's game night. Why do I let him make me feel these things? I do feel this way today. I have been feeling this way often lately. I feel let down more times than not. I feel sad because the friends I hung out with just last year, I haven't seen in ages. I know everybody comes into your life for a season, but these friends, members of my church family, are the reason I wanted to stay here instead of moving back home to Virginia. Today for some reason, I am wanting to be away from here. To not be let down. To not have known them because then I wouldn't be hurting today. I know we all have busy lives. We all have families to take care of, and family time is great. I just don't want to lose these friendships.
I am shy. I love to serve the Lord. I love to help people, love people, share whatever God has blessed me with with the people I love. I feel like I always give 110% to everything...including my friends. I feel like I am reliable, dependable, available whenever they need me. I feel I go out of my way to make sure I am able to help them. I do that because that is who I am, I have never expected anything in return....but just for today, I wish for a dependable friend to talk to. To cry on their shoulder.
I still have friends....many are going through their own trials today. I still love all of my friends, even if I am feeling let down today. Tomorrow will be better....I know...I am hoping getting these feelings off of my chest will help me mourn and move on!
So, with how I am feeling today...I googled "What does God Say About Friendship", and this is what I found (the Bible is such a wonderful tool for everyday life):
Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all time, and a brother is born for adversity.
Hebrews 10:24-25 - And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Job 6:14 - He who withhold kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Psalm 41:9 - Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.
1 Peter 4:8-10 - Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.
Proverbs 16:28 - A dishonest man spreads strife and a whispere separates close friends.
Proverbs 25:17 - Let your foot be seldom in your neighor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
I could go on and on...there were so many verses that rang true in my ears. The last one that I included above makes me worry that I have asked too much of my friends...that I have intruded myself into their lives too much. I don't feel like I have done this, but it makes me wonder.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, only God does. I do know that even though I am feeling lonely and sad today, I do know that the Lord is with me, he will never forget me or forsake me. He loves me with no strings attached. He is my forever friend; tried and true. I belong to Him. He is living in my heart and with him I can do anything. And I love how He works...as I was typing these last few sentences, the words of this song popped in my head - AMEN - what a friend we have in Jesus!
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there.
Thank you Jesus!
I am shy. I love to serve the Lord. I love to help people, love people, share whatever God has blessed me with with the people I love. I feel like I always give 110% to everything...including my friends. I feel like I am reliable, dependable, available whenever they need me. I feel I go out of my way to make sure I am able to help them. I do that because that is who I am, I have never expected anything in return....but just for today, I wish for a dependable friend to talk to. To cry on their shoulder.
I still have friends....many are going through their own trials today. I still love all of my friends, even if I am feeling let down today. Tomorrow will be better....I know...I am hoping getting these feelings off of my chest will help me mourn and move on!
So, with how I am feeling today...I googled "What does God Say About Friendship", and this is what I found (the Bible is such a wonderful tool for everyday life):
Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loves at all time, and a brother is born for adversity.
Hebrews 10:24-25 - And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Job 6:14 - He who withhold kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Psalm 41:9 - Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.
1 Peter 4:8-10 - Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.
Proverbs 16:28 - A dishonest man spreads strife and a whispere separates close friends.
Proverbs 25:17 - Let your foot be seldom in your neighor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
I could go on and on...there were so many verses that rang true in my ears. The last one that I included above makes me worry that I have asked too much of my friends...that I have intruded myself into their lives too much. I don't feel like I have done this, but it makes me wonder.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, only God does. I do know that even though I am feeling lonely and sad today, I do know that the Lord is with me, he will never forget me or forsake me. He loves me with no strings attached. He is my forever friend; tried and true. I belong to Him. He is living in my heart and with him I can do anything. And I love how He works...as I was typing these last few sentences, the words of this song popped in my head - AMEN - what a friend we have in Jesus!
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there.
Thank you Jesus!
Sunday, April 08, 2012
I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
So yesterday as I was taking my shower, I had a little talk with God. I wish I could tell you I heard him clearly, but I can't. What I heard as I asked him to help change my heart, change my mind, and change my thoughts about myself, I was reminded of this passage - "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 139:14. I thought to myself that I should make this my life verse even if just for this minute....because I NEED to know this in my heart. I NEED to hear it, I NEED to see it when I look in the mirror. So I am commiting to myself to say this each time I look in the mirror. I believe it will help...Satan is telling me it won't, but I won't listen to Satan's lies. I am believing this is what I need to hear so that I feel like I am worth something....so that I feel important...so that I feel loved. I know He loves me....I just NEED to love myself enough to want to feel and look better. I don't want to lose weight to feel sexy or to wear better clothes, I want to be healthy, I want to be able to minister and serve other people, but as long as I am unhealthy, I am not able to serve Him the way I should.
I am also commiting to fasting from Facebook for a week starting today. I need to be away from the drama. I ned to spend more time and energy doing what is important to God and to me. I need a break from the devil's lair - I believe Facebook is a great tool to remain in contact with friends and share pictures, but I also believe Satan is using it to spread jealousy and envy and hurting the relationships in the church. This discontent is what Satan wants...he wants the Church to be separated by angst and it is working. God Bless us All! Heavenly Father, we need you now. Please help us learn to love one another as you first loved us. Please give us the strength to fight off the attacks of Satan. Please give us the opportunity to share your Word with others, rather it is by mouth, by giving out tracks, by paying for others to go on a mission trip, by going on a mission trip ourselves, or just by serving and loving on your children. I will not believe the lies that Satan is telling us, that you have to be the one to always go out into the world to tell. I believe the way I tell is by my service and love. I NEED you Lord. I need to work on getting my body into condition so I can serve you more and better. I need to work on getting my mind into condition to understand my children so we aren't always at each other's throats. I need to work on getting my heart into a condition that I love and not envy. I NEED to do a lot of work, but with your help, I know I can do this. "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13.
I am also commiting to fasting from Facebook for a week starting today. I need to be away from the drama. I ned to spend more time and energy doing what is important to God and to me. I need a break from the devil's lair - I believe Facebook is a great tool to remain in contact with friends and share pictures, but I also believe Satan is using it to spread jealousy and envy and hurting the relationships in the church. This discontent is what Satan wants...he wants the Church to be separated by angst and it is working. God Bless us All! Heavenly Father, we need you now. Please help us learn to love one another as you first loved us. Please give us the strength to fight off the attacks of Satan. Please give us the opportunity to share your Word with others, rather it is by mouth, by giving out tracks, by paying for others to go on a mission trip, by going on a mission trip ourselves, or just by serving and loving on your children. I will not believe the lies that Satan is telling us, that you have to be the one to always go out into the world to tell. I believe the way I tell is by my service and love. I NEED you Lord. I need to work on getting my body into condition so I can serve you more and better. I need to work on getting my mind into condition to understand my children so we aren't always at each other's throats. I need to work on getting my heart into a condition that I love and not envy. I NEED to do a lot of work, but with your help, I know I can do this. "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
If We Ever Needed You, Lord it's Now!
I love that song....we need you Lord.
It's been awhile since I wrote, I promised I would be better this year, but wow time just seems to fly. Sometimes I feel like I get so busy that I don't stop and give myself room to breathe....but then I think if I stop, it will give me time to think, time to ponder, time for Satan to get in my head and make me doubt....so I just keep going.
The Lord has blessed me with a good-paying job, it has been our saving grace for the past 10 years (as of May 30th). It has given me the chance to earn my Bachelors Degree. It has given me the chance to work from home and watch my children grow. It has given me great benefits. That is not to say I haven't worked hard to get where I am...I have, but I am so blessed to have a job....I just wish it was doing something I love. That is part of my problem I am having today...why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why isn't the ability to provide for my family enough? Why do I find myself wanting more? I know the answer doesn't lie in the actual job...it has to do with me, my soul, my circumstances, and not relying on God for my happiness. I have been here before, I hate here....I want to live without doubt and fear, anger and depression, jealousy and envy, and being discontent.
It is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Staying focused at work is hard. LIFE is hard. Friendships are hard. Being a Christian is hard. What? Being a Christian shouldn't be hard.....but it is. On one hand, as a Christian, you deal with people who call you Bible Thumpers, illogical, and not understanding why you choose to serve His church....then on the other hand, you have Christians walking beside you, judging you, condemning you for not living like Jesus. I honestly believe the latter is what is causing my discontent right now. I know I am not perfect. I struggle everyday. I struggle with finding quiet time with God, I struggle with finding time to read and study his word, I struggle with jealousy and envy and feelings of being inadequate. And because I struggle, I know my family also struggles, not necessarily because of me, but because I see them walking through this as well. I see men telling my husband he is not living up to the Bible because he doesn't work to support our family. I see people talking down to him when he needs to be picked up. I see him pushing everybody and everything away because it is easier to pretend he doesn't care then to be hurt yet again by us humans. I see his personality disorder and I pray that he would see it too...but he doesn't. He is letting Satan win, he is letting him use other people to drag him down.
Galatians 6 says "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
My prayer today is that people who feel it is their job to judge others here on earth will look at the verse above where it says they should meet the person who is sinning where they are to help them walk away from the sin...it never says to use condemnation.
A good Christian friend that has mentored me for the past 12 years told me that Jesus never condemned the sinners that he came across. He treated them with love, pointing out the sins but showing his love. The only people he condemned were those who were telling others that they weren't living up to the laws they had set. I don't want to live my life hating all people, hating all books that don't meet a certain criteria, hating people who don't act like they are walking with Christ. I don't believe it is our job to point out who is or isn't following Christ. I don't believe it is our job at all. I believe our job is to love one another.....here are just a few verses that tell us we must love...
1.John 13:34
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:33-35 (in Context) John 13 (Whole Chapter)
2.John 13:35
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:34-36 (in Context) John 13 (Whole Chapter)
3.Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:9-11 (in Context) Romans 12 (Whole Chapter)
4.Romans 13:8
[ Love Fulfills the Law ] Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.
Romans 13:7-9 (in Context) Romans 13 (Whole Chapter)
5.2 Corinthians 13:11
[ Final Greetings ] Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.
2 Corinthians 13:10-12 (in Context) 2 Corinthians 13 (Whole Chapter)
6.Galatians 5:13
[ Life by the Spirit ] You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
Galatians 5:12-14 (in Context) Galatians 5 (Whole Chapter)
7.Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:1-3 (in Context) Ephesians 4 (Whole Chapter)
8.1 Thessalonians 4:9
Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other.
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling anger. I am tired of hurting and not being able to say how I feel. I am tired of double standards. I am tired of people talking about people behind their backs and being their best friends in their face. I am just tired. God has commanded us to love one another...and I plan to continue to do that. I plan to take the higher road and leave the hatred behind. I plan to remove distractions from my life that makes feel bad about myself. I plan to love because He first loved me!
It's been awhile since I wrote, I promised I would be better this year, but wow time just seems to fly. Sometimes I feel like I get so busy that I don't stop and give myself room to breathe....but then I think if I stop, it will give me time to think, time to ponder, time for Satan to get in my head and make me doubt....so I just keep going.
The Lord has blessed me with a good-paying job, it has been our saving grace for the past 10 years (as of May 30th). It has given me the chance to earn my Bachelors Degree. It has given me the chance to work from home and watch my children grow. It has given me great benefits. That is not to say I haven't worked hard to get where I am...I have, but I am so blessed to have a job....I just wish it was doing something I love. That is part of my problem I am having today...why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why isn't the ability to provide for my family enough? Why do I find myself wanting more? I know the answer doesn't lie in the actual job...it has to do with me, my soul, my circumstances, and not relying on God for my happiness. I have been here before, I hate here....I want to live without doubt and fear, anger and depression, jealousy and envy, and being discontent.
It is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Staying focused at work is hard. LIFE is hard. Friendships are hard. Being a Christian is hard. What? Being a Christian shouldn't be hard.....but it is. On one hand, as a Christian, you deal with people who call you Bible Thumpers, illogical, and not understanding why you choose to serve His church....then on the other hand, you have Christians walking beside you, judging you, condemning you for not living like Jesus. I honestly believe the latter is what is causing my discontent right now. I know I am not perfect. I struggle everyday. I struggle with finding quiet time with God, I struggle with finding time to read and study his word, I struggle with jealousy and envy and feelings of being inadequate. And because I struggle, I know my family also struggles, not necessarily because of me, but because I see them walking through this as well. I see men telling my husband he is not living up to the Bible because he doesn't work to support our family. I see people talking down to him when he needs to be picked up. I see him pushing everybody and everything away because it is easier to pretend he doesn't care then to be hurt yet again by us humans. I see his personality disorder and I pray that he would see it too...but he doesn't. He is letting Satan win, he is letting him use other people to drag him down.
Galatians 6 says "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
My prayer today is that people who feel it is their job to judge others here on earth will look at the verse above where it says they should meet the person who is sinning where they are to help them walk away from the sin...it never says to use condemnation.
A good Christian friend that has mentored me for the past 12 years told me that Jesus never condemned the sinners that he came across. He treated them with love, pointing out the sins but showing his love. The only people he condemned were those who were telling others that they weren't living up to the laws they had set. I don't want to live my life hating all people, hating all books that don't meet a certain criteria, hating people who don't act like they are walking with Christ. I don't believe it is our job to point out who is or isn't following Christ. I don't believe it is our job at all. I believe our job is to love one another.....here are just a few verses that tell us we must love...
1.John 13:34
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:33-35 (in Context) John 13 (Whole Chapter)
2.John 13:35
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:34-36 (in Context) John 13 (Whole Chapter)
3.Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:9-11 (in Context) Romans 12 (Whole Chapter)
4.Romans 13:8
[ Love Fulfills the Law ] Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.
Romans 13:7-9 (in Context) Romans 13 (Whole Chapter)
5.2 Corinthians 13:11
[ Final Greetings ] Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.
2 Corinthians 13:10-12 (in Context) 2 Corinthians 13 (Whole Chapter)
6.Galatians 5:13
[ Life by the Spirit ] You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
Galatians 5:12-14 (in Context) Galatians 5 (Whole Chapter)
7.Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:1-3 (in Context) Ephesians 4 (Whole Chapter)
8.1 Thessalonians 4:9
Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other.
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling anger. I am tired of hurting and not being able to say how I feel. I am tired of double standards. I am tired of people talking about people behind their backs and being their best friends in their face. I am just tired. God has commanded us to love one another...and I plan to continue to do that. I plan to take the higher road and leave the hatred behind. I plan to remove distractions from my life that makes feel bad about myself. I plan to love because He first loved me!
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