This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. The thought of rolling out of the bed and taking the few steps from my room to my office was too much. This scares me.
There was a time, back when my twins were babies, that I began feeling like this. I was scared all of the time. I wouldn't leave my apartment without my husband because I just knew the boys and I would be killed. I went through many trials of mind drugs that ended up giving me negative reactions. I saw a psychiatrist, which helped the first time I saw her, but made things worse the second time I went and found out I was in the wrong office. I couldn't plan for the future because in my mind, I didn't have one....thinking even a day ahead was hard for me. I don't ever want to go back to that time. It finally took me taking myself off of my Birth Control pills, which the doctors refused to believe, but I saw first hand.
So this morning when I realized I was feeling this way, I resisted the urge to stay in bed and started working. Every time I glanced outside to that empty bird nest, my heart seized and tears began. I felt rediculous, I felt that I was over-reacting, I felt sad! The day was going relatively well until I found a mistake while compiling the audit samples for my job. I found a mistake - the mistake didn't originally start with me, but it is a mistake I SHOULD have caught back in February. Granted, it is a mistake that I have never seen, it was not something that was supposed to happen, but it did, and I missed it. I immediately notified my supervisor and the worry began. I worked myself into a real tizzy. There has never been a mistake on this particular report in the 9 years we have handled it, so my perfectionist self esteem was definitely in the toilets. My bosses' boss was out of the office and it seemed the longer I waited, the more stress I felt, right around 2:30, I started getting the blurriness in my eye - this time it started in my left eye, which was weird, so I took a shower, hoping to get rid of some of the tenseness and praying I would be able to see the computer when I came back....THANKFULLY, the meeting was postponed until tomorrow and my boss told me to take the rest of the day off because I couldn't see the screen at all. The nap and the Advil helped, the blurriness is gone, but the headache is still throbbing. I don't think the mistake will be counted as a miss against this report. I will probably have a miss on the PE Report, but as bad as that is, it would be far worse if it was on the Audit. Hopefully I will find out tomorrow one way or another. I can't stand the thought that I made a mistake, but I am human and I know it happens. I am my own worse critic.
A call from my good friend Patricia woke me up around 5. I haven't heard her voice in many months. She has been out of work and depressed, so I understand her hesitancy in calling friends. Depression is hard. She called with good news, she started a new job today. I am so happy for her. I miss her. So many things have changed since I first started working with her. At the end of May it will have been 10 years ago I started here. I expressed some of my feelings today, and talking to her brought tears to my eyes, and made me realize what I have been missing is the Bible. I haven't read it in several weeks and I can feel it. I am not in his Word and the happiness and joy I am used to feeling about life is missing because that is missing. I am going to change that! God is always faithful because he used Patricia to help me see what I needed to do. Although I really knew all ready, hearing it and saying it out loud really helped me...dare I say heal?
I finished reading a book on the Kindle tonight and WOW - it reminded me of ME so much. The anger and hurt from a father who was no longer in her life, misplaced anger towards the parent who stayed, the lack of communication in a family, the need for love and looking for it in all the wrong places....coming to understand that even without the love of an earthly father, our Father is always here, He never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is faithful and just and is here even when I pull away from Him. He has always been here even when I felt that he wasn't. He was here when my dad left, he was here when I was in High School and made so many mistakes, He was here with me yesterday as my heart broke watching the birds. He feels my pain, He holds me in His hands, He catches every tear I cry. He is faithful yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
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