So I saw meme today that said (I apologize for the curse word):
This spoke to me on so many levels. All I have ever wanted to do is to help people, and I wonder now if that stems from my father abandoning us. I don't understand why after 30 years, I can't get over him leaving. I don't understand why he did it and maybe that is part of the reason. So here I sit as a 44 year old broken woman from something that happened more than 30 years ago, broke, tapped out, and in huge amounts of debt because I can't say no to people and I continue to buy stuff and help others when I honestly can't afford to do so.
When I was going to church for the 10+ years we attended, I made our lives revolve around the church. We participated in everything from Sunday service to youth group, AWANA, woman's group, Monday night groups, Sunday night groups, the boys attended most of the camps. At different times throughout the time we were there, I helped in the nursery, did nursery scheduling, ran registration for GAKAC, Operation in As Much, was a youth leader for a couple of years, took pictures anytime somebody asked, served on the Woman's team, was an AWANA worker, and the list goes on and on. I gave to missions almost every time I was asked and even went to Romania on a mission trip. I loved every minute of it but as hard as it is to say out loud, now, I feel like I wasted so much time. I put harsh restrictions on my kids about what they could and couldn't do in their free time. I made the church the first priority, even above my own family....because I felt they were the closest thing to a family that I had ever had.....but then my time, location, and money dried up and I backed away from serving and I backed away from giving as I tried to make sense of being laid off and finding myself after giving so much time to my company....and during that time, in my opinion, the church didn't show up for me. There were a token few people who reached out to say hi or they missed me. But that too dried up. I feel that once I wasn't able to give of myself, my time, or my money, I was no longer important to them and I guess it felt like being abandoned all over again.
I feel like every time I put myself out there and offer a helping hand, all people want to do is snap back at me. I am tired of being the only person to reach out. I am tired of helping and then being discarded when I speak my mind. I am tired of being yelled out, condemned, questioned, ridiculed. All I have ever wanted to do was help. As I struggle to make ends meet every day, I just want somebody to reach out and ask me if I am OK. I want to be OK. I want to be the strong, vivacious, git 'r done person that everybody thinks I am, but I am so tired and I don't know how to be that person anymore.
I just want the pain to go away. I want to be able to forget that ALMOST everybody I have ever loved or cared about or helped, has let me down in some way or another. My father who I adored at one point in my life, the first guy I fell in love with, my family after I moved away, my job that I poured my life into for 16 years, my church "family", my extended family who I have helped on more than one occasion, some of my friends.....Through all of this, I know that God has never let me down. He has been there to see the lies I was forced to tell, the hurt I felt, He carried me through a time when I didn't care what happened to me, He kept me physically safe from harm that I could have done by the mistakes I made in High School. I know He is always with me and if right now it seems like we are apart, that likely that is my fault because I Have pulled away. I don't want to be distant from Him, but I also don't want to be part of a church by myself. I know JC and the boys won't go with me...so if I go, it will be on my own. Something has to give because I feel like I don't have anything else to give. I can't do it anymore.
This is all I have right now...until next time.
