I was proud of myself for making it through Tuesday with no tears...then yesterday came and something small and inconsequential happened that made me burst in to tears thinking about Krissie. I can't even tell you right now what happened...it was that small, but the pain of her not being here hit me hard. I had a good 5-minute cry and then I had to move on. Because I work from home, I am pretty much here at the house all of the time. She was so much a part of my every day for the past 10 years. Every time I look at Hemi, I wonder what he is thinking, why his eyes look so sad, does he blame me because she is gone? The pain is real, but there are so many other people suffering with far greater losses than me, and I just want to tell myself to put on my big girl pants and get over it. I am trying. Each day is getting better. The hurt isn't quite as severe, the guilt isn't quite as strong, the loneliness of missing her is being helped by Hemi being by my side. God is good and He is seeing me through this grief and I know I will come out of this a stronger a person.
I woke up this morning and looked for Bible verses about grief and some of these are spot on.
Proverbs 15:13-14 - a glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly.
Isaiah 41:10 - fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalms 119:50 This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
Romans 8:18 - For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
And my favorite one:
Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
I love that you can find words in His word to help with anything that is happening in our lives. His Word is truth and I will rest assure that even when my grief is for things of this earth, that He is holding me up and seeing me through, just like He has done for so many years....My Abba...My Father...My Friend.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Life Goes On.....Sadly
It's crazy how writing a sentence differently can change the meaning. When I thought about a title for this post...Life Goes On quickly popped up, but then I got that familiar pang in my chest that caused me to stop and think about that....Life does go on but look at how it sounds when you add sadly to the sentence
* Life Goes On, Sadly
* Sadly, Life Goes On
Both sentences explain how I am feeling. Life is going on without her and I am sad....on top of being sad, it makes me sad that life is going on without her. I think this is guilt. I feel guilty not knowing if I could have done something to save her. I think I made it through the day yesterday with no tears. My heart broke several times, but I held it together...this IS progress. Hemi it pitiful, he just keeps looking at me with those eyes of him and all I can say is "I miss her too buddy". Work is keeping me busy..so life is getting back to normal. As normal as can be while missing a small piece of my heart.
So I wanted to try to catch up on what has happened in the past 4 years.
We still rent a house in Moss Creek. James & Randall graduated in 2015 and have been attending RCCC for the past 2 years. They are about to finish their associates degree and transfer to UNCC or UNCW to finish their education. At this point, they are debt free and I am so proud of them for that. Randall has already been accepted and plans to attend UNCC. James is waiting for Cox Mill HS to send the CORRECT transcripts (they sent Randall's apparently) to both schools. I am hoping he decides to stay at UNCC so he doesn't have to pay for campus living....but ultimately that will be his choice. They are adults now. They are still living at home, which helps alleviate some of the financial costs. Randall is going on 2 years of working at Zaxbys. In the first year, he was made Full Time and a Crew Leader and may start Management training over the summer. James is going on a year and a half with Harris Teeter. He started as a cashier and within that first year got a raise/promotion to a CSC. They both bought and are paying for their own car, insurance, and cell phones. I am so proud of them and I am grateful that they didn't go away to college as they had originally hoped. These past 2 years have done so much to help them mature, to get their license, practice driving, get a job...and keep it, and go to school full time. I can't help pay for their schooling, but I can help by giving them a roof over their head and food in their bellies (their big bellies)....they are both about 6'3" and 300 pounds :-). They seem to have stepped away from God. They no longer spend hours in their room reading books and the Bible like they did in High School, but I am praying that they see (soon) that living for the world will doing nothing for their eternity. They are good (great) kids, but being good won't get them into Heaven. I know that they know Jesus Christ as their Savior, but the world has been trying hard to pull them away.
Jeremy is about to turn 14 in a few weeks. How in the world does that happen? He was homeschooled for a couple of years in 6th and 7th grade and is now attending Harris Road Middle School for his 8th grade year. Next year he will head to Cox Mill High School. He is still our baby. He is at that age where he wants to be treated like an "adult" but he still loves to play outside and with his toys (occasionally). I want him to keep innocence for as long as possible. Kids today are growing up way to fast. He is going to his first dance on Friday. He plays soccer usually both in the Fall and Spring. Soon he will age out and I don't know that he will make the soccer team for the school, but as they say...life will go on...and he is already talking about getting a job. He loves people, kids, elderly, even those with mental disabilities. He exudes what the Bible says about loving your neighbor.
We added a couple of animals to our family. Jessie and Abbie are our two dogs that we already had. Three years ago, we added 2 guinea pigs - Shadow and Snickers. They are only expected to live about 3 years, so I have been preparing myself for their deaths, as sad as that sounds. Jeremy also got a fish almost 2 years ago.
JC and I renewed our vows last month, which is a whole other post that I will write, maybe tomorrow. It was definitely worth remembering. We have been married 20 years and I love that man with all my heart and soul. God did a wonderful thing when he brought us together. We have fought hard for our marriage. It hasn't been easy, but it has been totally worth it.
I am still working for Neustar....for now. We lost the contract a few years ago and are just waiting to see when/if the new company takes over....but I am not worried. God has always provided for us. He will make a way.
I finished my Bachelors in 2010 and finished my Masters in 2015 and now I am trying to pay off those debts. It is a heavy burden but I am going to do my best to get that albatross off of me ASAP. My hope is that if I have to find a new job next year, the Masters will help me do that. I am also trying to take some Lynda.com training classes as time permits, courtesy of Neustar. I think anything that I can add to my resume, will be useful.
Like I said at the beginning.....Life is going on. And I am still sad, but breathing is getting easier each day. Until the next time.
* Life Goes On, Sadly
* Sadly, Life Goes On
Both sentences explain how I am feeling. Life is going on without her and I am sad....on top of being sad, it makes me sad that life is going on without her. I think this is guilt. I feel guilty not knowing if I could have done something to save her. I think I made it through the day yesterday with no tears. My heart broke several times, but I held it together...this IS progress. Hemi it pitiful, he just keeps looking at me with those eyes of him and all I can say is "I miss her too buddy". Work is keeping me busy..so life is getting back to normal. As normal as can be while missing a small piece of my heart.
So I wanted to try to catch up on what has happened in the past 4 years.
We still rent a house in Moss Creek. James & Randall graduated in 2015 and have been attending RCCC for the past 2 years. They are about to finish their associates degree and transfer to UNCC or UNCW to finish their education. At this point, they are debt free and I am so proud of them for that. Randall has already been accepted and plans to attend UNCC. James is waiting for Cox Mill HS to send the CORRECT transcripts (they sent Randall's apparently) to both schools. I am hoping he decides to stay at UNCC so he doesn't have to pay for campus living....but ultimately that will be his choice. They are adults now. They are still living at home, which helps alleviate some of the financial costs. Randall is going on 2 years of working at Zaxbys. In the first year, he was made Full Time and a Crew Leader and may start Management training over the summer. James is going on a year and a half with Harris Teeter. He started as a cashier and within that first year got a raise/promotion to a CSC. They both bought and are paying for their own car, insurance, and cell phones. I am so proud of them and I am grateful that they didn't go away to college as they had originally hoped. These past 2 years have done so much to help them mature, to get their license, practice driving, get a job...and keep it, and go to school full time. I can't help pay for their schooling, but I can help by giving them a roof over their head and food in their bellies (their big bellies)....they are both about 6'3" and 300 pounds :-). They seem to have stepped away from God. They no longer spend hours in their room reading books and the Bible like they did in High School, but I am praying that they see (soon) that living for the world will doing nothing for their eternity. They are good (great) kids, but being good won't get them into Heaven. I know that they know Jesus Christ as their Savior, but the world has been trying hard to pull them away.
Jeremy is about to turn 14 in a few weeks. How in the world does that happen? He was homeschooled for a couple of years in 6th and 7th grade and is now attending Harris Road Middle School for his 8th grade year. Next year he will head to Cox Mill High School. He is still our baby. He is at that age where he wants to be treated like an "adult" but he still loves to play outside and with his toys (occasionally). I want him to keep innocence for as long as possible. Kids today are growing up way to fast. He is going to his first dance on Friday. He plays soccer usually both in the Fall and Spring. Soon he will age out and I don't know that he will make the soccer team for the school, but as they say...life will go on...and he is already talking about getting a job. He loves people, kids, elderly, even those with mental disabilities. He exudes what the Bible says about loving your neighbor.
We added a couple of animals to our family. Jessie and Abbie are our two dogs that we already had. Three years ago, we added 2 guinea pigs - Shadow and Snickers. They are only expected to live about 3 years, so I have been preparing myself for their deaths, as sad as that sounds. Jeremy also got a fish almost 2 years ago.
JC and I renewed our vows last month, which is a whole other post that I will write, maybe tomorrow. It was definitely worth remembering. We have been married 20 years and I love that man with all my heart and soul. God did a wonderful thing when he brought us together. We have fought hard for our marriage. It hasn't been easy, but it has been totally worth it.
I am still working for Neustar....for now. We lost the contract a few years ago and are just waiting to see when/if the new company takes over....but I am not worried. God has always provided for us. He will make a way.
I finished my Bachelors in 2010 and finished my Masters in 2015 and now I am trying to pay off those debts. It is a heavy burden but I am going to do my best to get that albatross off of me ASAP. My hope is that if I have to find a new job next year, the Masters will help me do that. I am also trying to take some Lynda.com training classes as time permits, courtesy of Neustar. I think anything that I can add to my resume, will be useful.
Like I said at the beginning.....Life is going on. And I am still sad, but breathing is getting easier each day. Until the next time.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Playing the "What If" Game
So I won't even mention how long it has been. 4 years seems to have passed so quickly, yet the lasts posts seem to have been so very long ago. I haven't thought about this blog in many years. I realized this weekend that I needed a place to write down my thoughts. I needed to find a way to get these thoughts out of my head. I was trying to keep busy so my mind would stop thinking so I was reading my Kindle in the car and read a book about a woman and her blog. And I here I am today.
On Wednesday night, I got off work at 4pm and we headed to VA to pick up JC's parents. We spent the night in Leesburg and picked them up early Thursday morning to bring them back down here to NC to look at apartments. On the ride home, James sent me a text and said he thought I needed to take Krissie to the vet when I got home because she was having trouble walking and when she did, she would cry. I thought maybe she had jumped and hurt her leg or her back....but oh if that was the only problem. I checked on her by text throughout the day when the boys were home and she wasn't getting any better. When Randall got home from work he said she was laying by the garage door and had peed, which was completely unlike her. We were still about 40 miles out at that point. We dropped his parents off at the hotel and came home, by that time it was around 7pm and most of the regular vets were already closed. She was laying in Randall's lap and looked so pitiful when we got there. I picked her up and she meowed but it was soft. JC said she was dying just by looking in her eyes.
We took her to Kannapolis to the Emergency Vet and they immediately took her to the back. When they finally came back out the vet told me that her temperature was 92 which was very low and most cats don't make it back from that. She was severely dehydrated. She was dying. For some unknown reason, I still believed she would make it through this. She was the best cat, she was never sick (or so I thought), she never asked for much, she was always there for me. When I was sick, she laid with me. When I was sad, she comforted me. When JC and I raised our voices, she stepped in between us. She was a comforter...a true mama cat. We had blood work done and it didn't look good, but they put her in an incubator to try to raise her temperature and started giving her fluids. We left to go get dinner with the promise that they would call around midnight to give an update on if her temperature was going up. Unfortunately a little after 10, they called to say she was dying. We tried to get there, but she died just 2 or 3 minutes after he called. Her heart gave out and mine is now broken. Jeremy and Randall were with us and they cried more than I have ever seen them cry. James cried when he got home from work and heard the news. JC cried. My big strong boys/men were all tore up by her loss. We have had her since 2007 and I never thought she would be the one that would go first. She had lost 50% of her body weight (from 8 pounds down to 4). How did I not know? She seemed perfectly normal just a day or two before. A friend told me that cats are good at hiding illness until it was too late.....this time it was too late.
JC told me last night I need to stop blaming myself, but I don't know how.
What if I had taken her to the vet every year for a check up?
What if I had asked them to weigh her back in February when she got her shots?
What if I hadn't changed the food back in February because of Hemi's food allergy?
What if I had noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking correctly?
What if I had noticed she was trying to get warm more?
What if I hadn't used the cleaners in the toilet that I know she drank out of?
What if JC hadn't used the bleach on the shower?
What if I had stayed home and let JC go to get his parents by himself, like the original plan?
What if I had been home and had gotten her to the vet earlier that day?
What if every time I called her my skinny girl, I realized she was skinnier and had her checked?
What if I noticed that she was hiding in places she normally didn't (under the bed, in the cat stand) and actually did something about it?
What if I didn't spend 3 weeks traveling in January for my job, a week with JC in March for our long overdue honeymoon, a weekend trip to VA to pick up his parents?
What if I was here with her instead????
What if I had just stayed and held her instead of leaving her in the incubator?
She wasn't in pain when she died, but I think about her sitting here all day, slowing dying. Trying to get warm and not being able to. Waiting for for me to get home by the garage door, the last place I had went out. Wondering where I was and why I wasn't here comforting her like she did for us so many times.
My heart is hurting so bad. I miss her. I will miss her when I go to the bathroom and she doesn't come in and reach her paw up to be picked up. When I scoop the litter pans. When I look in Hemi's eyes and see the questions. When I went to Petsmart. When I sit at my desk without her. When we are watching TV and she isn't in my lap or on the floor fighting with Hemi. When I lay in bed or cuddle with JC and she is no longer there trying to get in between us. When I was at the vet with Hemi and the little girl cat meowed just like Krissie. Every time I enter my password for the next 100 or so days until this one expires. I will miss picking her up and holding her like a baby in my arms while aggravating her by putting her tail in between her legs and moving it until she would bite it. I will miss her sitting on the back of my chair or on my laptop, or behind my monitor and reaching her paw under it to grab my pen, or when she would sit on my papers or my keyboard to get my attention. I will miss her every time I look at the pillow and blanket next to my bed where she used to curl up. I will miss her every time I clean the guinea pig cage out and she isn't there to give "her kittens" their bath. I will miss her every time I feel Hemi sitting at my feet, where she used to sit. I will miss her aggravating the dogs, jumping and running and playing, fighting with Hemi.
I feel like I killed her. We don't know what happened. She may have been sick for awhile and just not known. She may have gotten sick from a cleaner and her body shut down fast. She may have waited until I was gone so I wouldn't see her suffering. We will never know what caused it. I will forever wonder and even though I know it was her time, I will always wonder if I could have prevented it. She was a good cat and she was a part of our family for so long. We will all miss her.
On Wednesday night, I got off work at 4pm and we headed to VA to pick up JC's parents. We spent the night in Leesburg and picked them up early Thursday morning to bring them back down here to NC to look at apartments. On the ride home, James sent me a text and said he thought I needed to take Krissie to the vet when I got home because she was having trouble walking and when she did, she would cry. I thought maybe she had jumped and hurt her leg or her back....but oh if that was the only problem. I checked on her by text throughout the day when the boys were home and she wasn't getting any better. When Randall got home from work he said she was laying by the garage door and had peed, which was completely unlike her. We were still about 40 miles out at that point. We dropped his parents off at the hotel and came home, by that time it was around 7pm and most of the regular vets were already closed. She was laying in Randall's lap and looked so pitiful when we got there. I picked her up and she meowed but it was soft. JC said she was dying just by looking in her eyes.
We took her to Kannapolis to the Emergency Vet and they immediately took her to the back. When they finally came back out the vet told me that her temperature was 92 which was very low and most cats don't make it back from that. She was severely dehydrated. She was dying. For some unknown reason, I still believed she would make it through this. She was the best cat, she was never sick (or so I thought), she never asked for much, she was always there for me. When I was sick, she laid with me. When I was sad, she comforted me. When JC and I raised our voices, she stepped in between us. She was a comforter...a true mama cat. We had blood work done and it didn't look good, but they put her in an incubator to try to raise her temperature and started giving her fluids. We left to go get dinner with the promise that they would call around midnight to give an update on if her temperature was going up. Unfortunately a little after 10, they called to say she was dying. We tried to get there, but she died just 2 or 3 minutes after he called. Her heart gave out and mine is now broken. Jeremy and Randall were with us and they cried more than I have ever seen them cry. James cried when he got home from work and heard the news. JC cried. My big strong boys/men were all tore up by her loss. We have had her since 2007 and I never thought she would be the one that would go first. She had lost 50% of her body weight (from 8 pounds down to 4). How did I not know? She seemed perfectly normal just a day or two before. A friend told me that cats are good at hiding illness until it was too late.....this time it was too late.
JC told me last night I need to stop blaming myself, but I don't know how.
What if I had taken her to the vet every year for a check up?
What if I had asked them to weigh her back in February when she got her shots?
What if I hadn't changed the food back in February because of Hemi's food allergy?
What if I had noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking correctly?
What if I had noticed she was trying to get warm more?
What if I hadn't used the cleaners in the toilet that I know she drank out of?
What if JC hadn't used the bleach on the shower?
What if I had stayed home and let JC go to get his parents by himself, like the original plan?
What if I had been home and had gotten her to the vet earlier that day?
What if every time I called her my skinny girl, I realized she was skinnier and had her checked?
What if I noticed that she was hiding in places she normally didn't (under the bed, in the cat stand) and actually did something about it?
What if I didn't spend 3 weeks traveling in January for my job, a week with JC in March for our long overdue honeymoon, a weekend trip to VA to pick up his parents?
What if I was here with her instead????
What if I had just stayed and held her instead of leaving her in the incubator?
She wasn't in pain when she died, but I think about her sitting here all day, slowing dying. Trying to get warm and not being able to. Waiting for for me to get home by the garage door, the last place I had went out. Wondering where I was and why I wasn't here comforting her like she did for us so many times.
My heart is hurting so bad. I miss her. I will miss her when I go to the bathroom and she doesn't come in and reach her paw up to be picked up. When I scoop the litter pans. When I look in Hemi's eyes and see the questions. When I went to Petsmart. When I sit at my desk without her. When we are watching TV and she isn't in my lap or on the floor fighting with Hemi. When I lay in bed or cuddle with JC and she is no longer there trying to get in between us. When I was at the vet with Hemi and the little girl cat meowed just like Krissie. Every time I enter my password for the next 100 or so days until this one expires. I will miss picking her up and holding her like a baby in my arms while aggravating her by putting her tail in between her legs and moving it until she would bite it. I will miss her sitting on the back of my chair or on my laptop, or behind my monitor and reaching her paw under it to grab my pen, or when she would sit on my papers or my keyboard to get my attention. I will miss her every time I look at the pillow and blanket next to my bed where she used to curl up. I will miss her every time I clean the guinea pig cage out and she isn't there to give "her kittens" their bath. I will miss her every time I feel Hemi sitting at my feet, where she used to sit. I will miss her aggravating the dogs, jumping and running and playing, fighting with Hemi.
I feel like I killed her. We don't know what happened. She may have been sick for awhile and just not known. She may have gotten sick from a cleaner and her body shut down fast. She may have waited until I was gone so I wouldn't see her suffering. We will never know what caused it. I will forever wonder and even though I know it was her time, I will always wonder if I could have prevented it. She was a good cat and she was a part of our family for so long. We will all miss her.
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