Well, I lost my mojo. I thought I was doing so good. The last time I walked (and blogged), was Saturday the 11th. It was the first day I actually hit my 12,000 steps goal. I walked for an hour, took the dogs on a quick walk, and then ran errands with JC. I went to get myself some new shoes and the long I was up, the longer my foot hurt. I decided on Sunday that I had walked for 7 days straight, so I would take Sunday off and rest it so I didn't end up in a boot again. I went to visit a church in Faith, which was outside. While sitting outside I started to feel the need to cough, but with the pandemic flaring up, I held it in as best as I could, but I kept thinking my allergies were acting up. By Sunday night, the cough had gotten progressively worse so I started taking the cough pills my doctor gave me back in March. It seemed to help me sleep, but when I woke up Monday to walk, I felt short of breath and just crummy. The thought ran through my mind once or twice in the next few days that somehow I had gotten COVID. I have been so tired, the cough medicine seemed to work and I am only taking about once a day now if any. I still feel congested but I feel like I should be okay to walk, but I can't force myself out of bed. The dogs/cats keep waking me up at 4 and it is hard to go back to sleep. When I finally do, I don't want to get up at 6 and get dressed to walk. I have lost my motivation and that makes me more sad than angry...but I am trying to work up the anger!! I guess I am a little irritated that June didn't show up on Saturday after she said she would. I never texted her to check on her because I am not her keeper, but I find it odd that I haven't been out in over a week and she has never texted me either to see what is up. In my mind, I am thinking I said or did something that upset her and she doesn't want to walk with me anymore. I can't imagine what I said, but it wouldn't be the first time I stuck my foot in my mouth. I keep saying I should reach out to her, but I am tired of always being the one to reach out to friends and family. If I didn't initiate conversations, I don't think I would ever talk to anybody again.....that makes me sad.
I am not sure if I was dreaming or thinking while half asleep this morning, but I saw Mam and Pap's house and I felt this thought saying I should have asked to keep the house, which is crazy, because it has been almost 14 years since it was sold AND the house wasn't big enough for our family of 5 plus we would have wanted to allow Jim Bob and Luce to stay, so it would have never worked. I saw the rooms just like the last time I saw them and I wondered aloud who cleaned out the house and furniture when it was time to sell the house. It was good to see the house and the memories we made there, but now I am thinking about it and it makes me sad for everything that was lost when they passed away. It is hard to believe Pap has been gone 20 years, Grandma Freda 18, and Mam almost 14. Soon my own parents will pass away and there is still so much unsaid, so much that separates us instead of binds us together. I love my parents, they are the only set I have, sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if things didn't go the way they went.
I went to the gastreo doctor yesterday and he is going to an abdomen CT and wants to do a colonoscopy but I think I am going to call back and cancel that test. I would have to get a COVID test and honestly, I don't want to. I have heard of people with no symptoms getting symptoms after the test and I don't want to take that chance. Plus the tool they use is so long it goes up your nose and down your throat and that scares me worse than the actual colonoscopy. Guess what, big surprise here but that makes me angry. I am trying to laugh it off, but I am just really tired of all of this. I am tired of the anger and hatred, I am tired of the Trump bashing, I am tired of people judging other people because they don't believe in the mass hysteria that the media has caused. I am tired of name calling and bickering, the fear that maybe just maybe some of the conspiracies Randall believes in are actually true. I want to live a long life but I believe the end times are near. I don't know if Jesus will come back while I am still on this earth or not, but each day that plays out Revelations, makes me think it is coming sooner than many expect and I am scared for my family that they might not be ready.
Tomorrow is another day and I am going to try to push myself out of that bed. I might try to go to bed earlier tonight and see what happens. If I could just get the dogs and cats to leave me alone until 6 or even 5:30 and I could get uninterrupted sleep for 5 to 6 hours, I think I would feel better overall. Maybe I will try to shut my door and see what happens.
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 3
What I have come to realize is that I have been angry for quite some time. I guess I have just internalized the anger and it finally just had no place else to go but out. I could spend hours, days, weeks talking about the anger I feel towards my family, my friends, my church, losing my job, changes, social media, the world.......it would literally take awhile, but what I really need to focus on the most is that I have been angry with myself. I have told myself (subconsciously) that I will never be enough. Enough for who I am not sure, but I would assume I was trying to be enough for everybody. What I need to focus on is being enough for ME! I want to be enough for Jesus! If I can meet those two goals, everything else doesn't matter.
I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, just three days after weighing myself for this blog on Tuesday. I know that you are not supposed to weigh multiple times through the week, but I thought even if I saw just a couple of ounces difference it would make getting up and walking every morning better, but here goes that ANGER word again. I was angry to see that I had jumped up to 311.4. It is the first time I have gone over 310 and this was naked, so who knows what it would have been that day if I went to the doctors. I was angry and I thought to myself "what is the use"....but I was scheduled to meet June so I left out of the house. (I want to believe I would have gone even if she wasn't waiting for me, but I honestly don't know). When I got to her house she wasn't there, I waited for a few minutes and came back home to get my phone, sent her a text, turned on my Christian workout music and away I went. I stayed out a full hour and got almost 8000 steps. It felt good, I feel like my workout pants fit better (the reason I thought it would be good to weigh again), my feet hurt BUT I feel so much better at the end of the day. I have more energy to get me through and my brain feels a little cleared. June overslept but I still went and that makes me happy. It makes it enough. We were supposed to meet again today but she wasn't there again. I didn't bother texting her this time, I just went ahead and did my hour and came home and took the dogs on a lap around the block and right now I have over 9,500 steps. That is enough. Now I have to get ready to go so we can get the parent's groceries and then I am going to get new shoes to hopefully help my feet. My shoes are so old, I feel like I am walking on the road at times.
Anger really is a good motivator. I don't want to to dwell on the anger, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness. I want to dwell on what makes me happy and whole. I want to spend time with my immediate family, I want to do a good job at work, I want to make gifts that people love, and I want to figure out a way to pay down my debt. I don't know how I can do all of that, but one day at a time until the good Lord calls me home, is how I want to live my life. I want to find a church....maybe I won't get so involved this time, maybe instead of focusing on helping everybody with everything, I will just go to help me. I don't know if the boys or JC will ever get back to the place of wanting to go, but I can't let them stop me.
As far as my weight, I am going to stick to weighing once per week. I will start next Saturday and will weigh in every Saturday. I am not sure if I will post it every week, but I will let it be a motivator for me, for the choices I make regarding food and drinks and how much I walk.
A song from the Lewis Family just popped into my head, what a wonderful thought to pop up as I am about to sign off....I can't remember which song it is, but it says "and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own". Thank you Lord for that reminder. I am yours and I am enough for me. Today will be good day.
I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, just three days after weighing myself for this blog on Tuesday. I know that you are not supposed to weigh multiple times through the week, but I thought even if I saw just a couple of ounces difference it would make getting up and walking every morning better, but here goes that ANGER word again. I was angry to see that I had jumped up to 311.4. It is the first time I have gone over 310 and this was naked, so who knows what it would have been that day if I went to the doctors. I was angry and I thought to myself "what is the use"....but I was scheduled to meet June so I left out of the house. (I want to believe I would have gone even if she wasn't waiting for me, but I honestly don't know). When I got to her house she wasn't there, I waited for a few minutes and came back home to get my phone, sent her a text, turned on my Christian workout music and away I went. I stayed out a full hour and got almost 8000 steps. It felt good, I feel like my workout pants fit better (the reason I thought it would be good to weigh again), my feet hurt BUT I feel so much better at the end of the day. I have more energy to get me through and my brain feels a little cleared. June overslept but I still went and that makes me happy. It makes it enough. We were supposed to meet again today but she wasn't there again. I didn't bother texting her this time, I just went ahead and did my hour and came home and took the dogs on a lap around the block and right now I have over 9,500 steps. That is enough. Now I have to get ready to go so we can get the parent's groceries and then I am going to get new shoes to hopefully help my feet. My shoes are so old, I feel like I am walking on the road at times.
Anger really is a good motivator. I don't want to to dwell on the anger, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness. I want to dwell on what makes me happy and whole. I want to spend time with my immediate family, I want to do a good job at work, I want to make gifts that people love, and I want to figure out a way to pay down my debt. I don't know how I can do all of that, but one day at a time until the good Lord calls me home, is how I want to live my life. I want to find a church....maybe I won't get so involved this time, maybe instead of focusing on helping everybody with everything, I will just go to help me. I don't know if the boys or JC will ever get back to the place of wanting to go, but I can't let them stop me.
As far as my weight, I am going to stick to weighing once per week. I will start next Saturday and will weigh in every Saturday. I am not sure if I will post it every week, but I will let it be a motivator for me, for the choices I make regarding food and drinks and how much I walk.
A song from the Lewis Family just popped into my head, what a wonderful thought to pop up as I am about to sign off....I can't remember which song it is, but it says "and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own". Thank you Lord for that reminder. I am yours and I am enough for me. Today will be good day.
Tuesday, July 07, 2020
Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 2
Today was the third day in a row that I walked. It was hard to roll out of bed, but I did it and I walked 1.77 miles and went a little longer than I did yesterday. June, our newest neighbor was outside and asked if I wanted a partner, so it looks like maybe I will have her as another motivator. I sure know I need it. I am still angry but I am trying not to dwell on it. I am starting to loathe Social Media, so if I could step back from it, I think that would definitely help.
So yesterday, I shared that I was back over 300 pounds. This makes me angry! But I want to do something about it, so I am going to set my first small goal. I was 310 at the doctors a couple of weeks ago. I might be more now, but I am going off of my scale (naked). This morning I was 307.9. My first goal is to get down to 297 (just a little more than 10 pounds). It might take me awhile, but once I hit that goal, I will set my next one. I am always trying to aim for the BIG goal but that has never worked for me, even when I had the sleeve surgery.
I know my food choices and drinking water is key. I am not going to try to work on all three at the same time, right away, but yesterday I did drink 3 small waters which is 30 ounces. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it is pretty good. I have rarely been able to meet the recommended 60 ounces per day.....but I will try.
I don't have much time to talk about much anger today, which is probably a good thing, but I am still going to use it as a motivator. Until next time.
So yesterday, I shared that I was back over 300 pounds. This makes me angry! But I want to do something about it, so I am going to set my first small goal. I was 310 at the doctors a couple of weeks ago. I might be more now, but I am going off of my scale (naked). This morning I was 307.9. My first goal is to get down to 297 (just a little more than 10 pounds). It might take me awhile, but once I hit that goal, I will set my next one. I am always trying to aim for the BIG goal but that has never worked for me, even when I had the sleeve surgery.
I know my food choices and drinking water is key. I am not going to try to work on all three at the same time, right away, but yesterday I did drink 3 small waters which is 30 ounces. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it is pretty good. I have rarely been able to meet the recommended 60 ounces per day.....but I will try.
I don't have much time to talk about much anger today, which is probably a good thing, but I am still going to use it as a motivator. Until next time.
Monday, July 06, 2020
Anger is a Great Motivator....Part 1
Yesterday morning, I woke up angry. I can't say that it was just one thing. I feel like it had been building and it just finally all came to a head. I was angry at myself, at my husband, at my kids, at my family, at my friends, and at the world in general. Anger is not something that normally drives me, but I didn't want to talk or yell or ignore it like I usually do.....so I went for a walk. It felt good (until I got home and realized it was too hot, I am too out of shape, and I was probably dehydrated). I paid the price the rest of the day because my head pounded until I took some Advil finally around 5pm. But it felt good to do something!!
The World's unrest is getting to me. I don't feel free to share my true thoughts on my Facebook page because I have so many liberal "friends" on my page that would condemn me in a heartbeat. One girl from high school (whom actually irritated me back then as well) called me uneducated and irresponsible because I posted a meme about people following the government without a thought. I removed the post rather than get into an argument. I was silenced! On my own page....it was my choosing, but it makes me angry.
I have been watching my friend count on Facebook and over the past couple of weeks one or two friends have been removed. I refuse to delete any friends because of our differences in opinions, however, I have blocked many so their rhetoric doesn't fill my news feed or my head. But I spent a couple of hours one day trying to find which of my liberal "friends" deleted me, and couldn't find it and then Saturday night I found out who it was. It was my niece. She signed into her mother's account and read messages that we sent back and forth. I guess she was angry because her mom told me what a spoiled entitled brat she is being and I told her mom what I felt. I didn't sugar coat it like everybody else in her world does. I didn't coddle her. So she supposedly gets depressed because of that (and I assume that is when she deleted me), and on the day her mother was supposed to go on a date for the first time since her father died almost 3 years ago, she tried to kill herself by taking 3 weeks of her medication. When she finally woke up, she told her mom she didn't remember taking them but if she did it was her fault. I am tired of the drama from down there. I am tired and I am angry. After everything I have done for them. I have tried hard to help them since Rick died, but I am done. I helped pay for his cremation. I paid for them all to get lockets to keep his ashes. I paid for a new bed for Angela because he died in the bed. I have tried to be supportive in other ways since I lost my job and can't afford to do monetary help anymore. I let Alayna use my Care Credit card to get her cat treated last week. I refuse to sit by and tell them the way they live is normal. It is not okay to act like that at 17. I guess more than anger...I am hurt. Instead of talking to me about it so we could talk it out she just removes me. I know I am 44, but I have never had that many friends that have stuck it out with me....Facebook is just a reminder that it continues and that makes me angry. It shouldn't be important and the fact that it is important to me, makes me angry.
The Main Stream Media (MSM) lies and twists information and that is where most of my liberal "friends" are getting their information. President Trump kicked off July 4th with a speech in front of Mount Rushmore. They are saying he was dividing the country by race. That was a lie. The left hates Trump so much that they would do anything to remove him from office and now that three years of impeachment trials didn't succeed I am truly beginning to believe that the Pandemic and the Riots are all part of their plan. They wanted to keep the country locked down for the rest of the year. They want the people dependent on them. They want to pay out money that our country doesn't have to all citizens (and illegal citizens) for the foreseeable future. They are all crazy. People don't understand that this ideology that nobody needs to work and the government will take care of us is ridiculous. Trump is getting too close to wiping them away and they are scared. They will do anything. I truly believe we are living out Revelations which means it is only going to get worse. I love living in America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but it is getting bad and I long for the days that we in Heaven, with no more tears or heartache, no more pain, no more anger. The world, politicians, and MSM make me angry.
I am angry with the church. I feel like I gave my heart and soul to a church family for 10+ years and even though I am the one that stopped going, I feel like they have deserted me. The year or two before we stopped going, I had been pulling out of things. I stopped leading a youth group, I stopped helping with OIAM and GAKAC, I stopped being available, and then I stopped being important to the church. There have been a few people who type the obligatory "I miss you" messages on my Facebook page, there has been one or two people who have checked on my over the past year, but I feel let down. I am hurt and I am angry. I want to find a new church up here where I live, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I don't want to go alone and I know JC and the boys won't go. I am angry at the choices I have made in the past 3 years that have led us to this point.
Finally, I took a hard long look into the mirror and I am angry at how I have let myself go again. I had surgery almost 6 years ago and never got down to the size I wanted but I was closer than I had been in a long time. I didn't put in the work. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't drink the amount I was supposed to drink. I got lazy and complacent and now I am back over 300 pounds again. I can't believe I even wrote that "out loud". I am embarrassed and I am angry. So since I can't do anything about the other issues, I knew I could make a step for this. I went for a walk and it worked. I walked hard and fast (and like I said I ended up regretting that) but it felt good....and I did it again this morning. This morning I am not quite so angry, this morning it was much cooler, this morning, I didn't walk quite as hard and I feel okay. Better than okay because I have realized I can't wait on anybody else. I want JC to join me, but I can't rely on him because he has given up (that is a whole other blog)...so I am motivated by the anger I feel and I hope that it continues to motivate me....even if I don't lose any weight, I believe walking is helping me to clear my head and my heart of all of this anger. I hope to continue that and to continue to come here to post, to get it off my chest, and to heal from the inside out.
I am angry....but I am motivated....Please Lord, let me turn this anger around for good. Help me to find a way to relieve this burden of anger. Help me to lean on you and to find a place of fellowship where I can share the love I have to share. Help me to reach out to you in my times of peace and in my times of anger. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.
The World's unrest is getting to me. I don't feel free to share my true thoughts on my Facebook page because I have so many liberal "friends" on my page that would condemn me in a heartbeat. One girl from high school (whom actually irritated me back then as well) called me uneducated and irresponsible because I posted a meme about people following the government without a thought. I removed the post rather than get into an argument. I was silenced! On my own page....it was my choosing, but it makes me angry.
I have been watching my friend count on Facebook and over the past couple of weeks one or two friends have been removed. I refuse to delete any friends because of our differences in opinions, however, I have blocked many so their rhetoric doesn't fill my news feed or my head. But I spent a couple of hours one day trying to find which of my liberal "friends" deleted me, and couldn't find it and then Saturday night I found out who it was. It was my niece. She signed into her mother's account and read messages that we sent back and forth. I guess she was angry because her mom told me what a spoiled entitled brat she is being and I told her mom what I felt. I didn't sugar coat it like everybody else in her world does. I didn't coddle her. So she supposedly gets depressed because of that (and I assume that is when she deleted me), and on the day her mother was supposed to go on a date for the first time since her father died almost 3 years ago, she tried to kill herself by taking 3 weeks of her medication. When she finally woke up, she told her mom she didn't remember taking them but if she did it was her fault. I am tired of the drama from down there. I am tired and I am angry. After everything I have done for them. I have tried hard to help them since Rick died, but I am done. I helped pay for his cremation. I paid for them all to get lockets to keep his ashes. I paid for a new bed for Angela because he died in the bed. I have tried to be supportive in other ways since I lost my job and can't afford to do monetary help anymore. I let Alayna use my Care Credit card to get her cat treated last week. I refuse to sit by and tell them the way they live is normal. It is not okay to act like that at 17. I guess more than anger...I am hurt. Instead of talking to me about it so we could talk it out she just removes me. I know I am 44, but I have never had that many friends that have stuck it out with me....Facebook is just a reminder that it continues and that makes me angry. It shouldn't be important and the fact that it is important to me, makes me angry.
The Main Stream Media (MSM) lies and twists information and that is where most of my liberal "friends" are getting their information. President Trump kicked off July 4th with a speech in front of Mount Rushmore. They are saying he was dividing the country by race. That was a lie. The left hates Trump so much that they would do anything to remove him from office and now that three years of impeachment trials didn't succeed I am truly beginning to believe that the Pandemic and the Riots are all part of their plan. They wanted to keep the country locked down for the rest of the year. They want the people dependent on them. They want to pay out money that our country doesn't have to all citizens (and illegal citizens) for the foreseeable future. They are all crazy. People don't understand that this ideology that nobody needs to work and the government will take care of us is ridiculous. Trump is getting too close to wiping them away and they are scared. They will do anything. I truly believe we are living out Revelations which means it is only going to get worse. I love living in America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but it is getting bad and I long for the days that we in Heaven, with no more tears or heartache, no more pain, no more anger. The world, politicians, and MSM make me angry.
I am angry with the church. I feel like I gave my heart and soul to a church family for 10+ years and even though I am the one that stopped going, I feel like they have deserted me. The year or two before we stopped going, I had been pulling out of things. I stopped leading a youth group, I stopped helping with OIAM and GAKAC, I stopped being available, and then I stopped being important to the church. There have been a few people who type the obligatory "I miss you" messages on my Facebook page, there has been one or two people who have checked on my over the past year, but I feel let down. I am hurt and I am angry. I want to find a new church up here where I live, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I don't want to go alone and I know JC and the boys won't go. I am angry at the choices I have made in the past 3 years that have led us to this point.
Finally, I took a hard long look into the mirror and I am angry at how I have let myself go again. I had surgery almost 6 years ago and never got down to the size I wanted but I was closer than I had been in a long time. I didn't put in the work. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't drink the amount I was supposed to drink. I got lazy and complacent and now I am back over 300 pounds again. I can't believe I even wrote that "out loud". I am embarrassed and I am angry. So since I can't do anything about the other issues, I knew I could make a step for this. I went for a walk and it worked. I walked hard and fast (and like I said I ended up regretting that) but it felt good....and I did it again this morning. This morning I am not quite so angry, this morning it was much cooler, this morning, I didn't walk quite as hard and I feel okay. Better than okay because I have realized I can't wait on anybody else. I want JC to join me, but I can't rely on him because he has given up (that is a whole other blog)...so I am motivated by the anger I feel and I hope that it continues to motivate me....even if I don't lose any weight, I believe walking is helping me to clear my head and my heart of all of this anger. I hope to continue that and to continue to come here to post, to get it off my chest, and to heal from the inside out.
I am angry....but I am motivated....Please Lord, let me turn this anger around for good. Help me to find a way to relieve this burden of anger. Help me to lean on you and to find a place of fellowship where I can share the love I have to share. Help me to reach out to you in my times of peace and in my times of anger. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.
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