Well, I lost my mojo. I thought I was doing so good. The last time I walked (and blogged), was Saturday the 11th. It was the first day I actually hit my 12,000 steps goal. I walked for an hour, took the dogs on a quick walk, and then ran errands with JC. I went to get myself some new shoes and the long I was up, the longer my foot hurt. I decided on Sunday that I had walked for 7 days straight, so I would take Sunday off and rest it so I didn't end up in a boot again. I went to visit a church in Faith, which was outside. While sitting outside I started to feel the need to cough, but with the pandemic flaring up, I held it in as best as I could, but I kept thinking my allergies were acting up. By Sunday night, the cough had gotten progressively worse so I started taking the cough pills my doctor gave me back in March. It seemed to help me sleep, but when I woke up Monday to walk, I felt short of breath and just crummy. The thought ran through my mind once or twice in the next few days that somehow I had gotten COVID. I have been so tired, the cough medicine seemed to work and I am only taking about once a day now if any. I still feel congested but I feel like I should be okay to walk, but I can't force myself out of bed. The dogs/cats keep waking me up at 4 and it is hard to go back to sleep. When I finally do, I don't want to get up at 6 and get dressed to walk. I have lost my motivation and that makes me more sad than angry...but I am trying to work up the anger!! I guess I am a little irritated that June didn't show up on Saturday after she said she would. I never texted her to check on her because I am not her keeper, but I find it odd that I haven't been out in over a week and she has never texted me either to see what is up. In my mind, I am thinking I said or did something that upset her and she doesn't want to walk with me anymore. I can't imagine what I said, but it wouldn't be the first time I stuck my foot in my mouth. I keep saying I should reach out to her, but I am tired of always being the one to reach out to friends and family. If I didn't initiate conversations, I don't think I would ever talk to anybody again.....that makes me sad.
I am not sure if I was dreaming or thinking while half asleep this morning, but I saw Mam and Pap's house and I felt this thought saying I should have asked to keep the house, which is crazy, because it has been almost 14 years since it was sold AND the house wasn't big enough for our family of 5 plus we would have wanted to allow Jim Bob and Luce to stay, so it would have never worked. I saw the rooms just like the last time I saw them and I wondered aloud who cleaned out the house and furniture when it was time to sell the house. It was good to see the house and the memories we made there, but now I am thinking about it and it makes me sad for everything that was lost when they passed away. It is hard to believe Pap has been gone 20 years, Grandma Freda 18, and Mam almost 14. Soon my own parents will pass away and there is still so much unsaid, so much that separates us instead of binds us together. I love my parents, they are the only set I have, sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if things didn't go the way they went.
I went to the gastreo doctor yesterday and he is going to an abdomen CT and wants to do a colonoscopy but I think I am going to call back and cancel that test. I would have to get a COVID test and honestly, I don't want to. I have heard of people with no symptoms getting symptoms after the test and I don't want to take that chance. Plus the tool they use is so long it goes up your nose and down your throat and that scares me worse than the actual colonoscopy. Guess what, big surprise here but that makes me angry. I am trying to laugh it off, but I am just really tired of all of this. I am tired of the anger and hatred, I am tired of the Trump bashing, I am tired of people judging other people because they don't believe in the mass hysteria that the media has caused. I am tired of name calling and bickering, the fear that maybe just maybe some of the conspiracies Randall believes in are actually true. I want to live a long life but I believe the end times are near. I don't know if Jesus will come back while I am still on this earth or not, but each day that plays out Revelations, makes me think it is coming sooner than many expect and I am scared for my family that they might not be ready.
Tomorrow is another day and I am going to try to push myself out of that bed. I might try to go to bed earlier tonight and see what happens. If I could just get the dogs and cats to leave me alone until 6 or even 5:30 and I could get uninterrupted sleep for 5 to 6 hours, I think I would feel better overall. Maybe I will try to shut my door and see what happens.
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