Yesterday morning, I woke up angry. I can't say that it was just one thing. I feel like it had been building and it just finally all came to a head. I was angry at myself, at my husband, at my kids, at my family, at my friends, and at the world in general. Anger is not something that normally drives me, but I didn't want to talk or yell or ignore it like I usually do.....so I went for a walk. It felt good (until I got home and realized it was too hot, I am too out of shape, and I was probably dehydrated). I paid the price the rest of the day because my head pounded until I took some Advil finally around 5pm. But it felt good to do something!!
The World's unrest is getting to me. I don't feel free to share my true thoughts on my Facebook page because I have so many liberal "friends" on my page that would condemn me in a heartbeat. One girl from high school (whom actually irritated me back then as well) called me uneducated and irresponsible because I posted a meme about people following the government without a thought. I removed the post rather than get into an argument. I was silenced! On my own page....it was my choosing, but it makes me angry.
I have been watching my friend count on Facebook and over the past couple of weeks one or two friends have been removed. I refuse to delete any friends because of our differences in opinions, however, I have blocked many so their rhetoric doesn't fill my news feed or my head. But I spent a couple of hours one day trying to find which of my liberal "friends" deleted me, and couldn't find it and then Saturday night I found out who it was. It was my niece. She signed into her mother's account and read messages that we sent back and forth. I guess she was angry because her mom told me what a spoiled entitled brat she is being and I told her mom what I felt. I didn't sugar coat it like everybody else in her world does. I didn't coddle her. So she supposedly gets depressed because of that (and I assume that is when she deleted me), and on the day her mother was supposed to go on a date for the first time since her father died almost 3 years ago, she tried to kill herself by taking 3 weeks of her medication. When she finally woke up, she told her mom she didn't remember taking them but if she did it was her fault. I am tired of the drama from down there. I am tired and I am angry. After everything I have done for them. I have tried hard to help them since Rick died, but I am done. I helped pay for his cremation. I paid for them all to get lockets to keep his ashes. I paid for a new bed for Angela because he died in the bed. I have tried to be supportive in other ways since I lost my job and can't afford to do monetary help anymore. I let Alayna use my Care Credit card to get her cat treated last week. I refuse to sit by and tell them the way they live is normal. It is not okay to act like that at 17. I guess more than anger...I am hurt. Instead of talking to me about it so we could talk it out she just removes me. I know I am 44, but I have never had that many friends that have stuck it out with me....Facebook is just a reminder that it continues and that makes me angry. It shouldn't be important and the fact that it is important to me, makes me angry.
The Main Stream Media (MSM) lies and twists information and that is where most of my liberal "friends" are getting their information. President Trump kicked off July 4th with a speech in front of Mount Rushmore. They are saying he was dividing the country by race. That was a lie. The left hates Trump so much that they would do anything to remove him from office and now that three years of impeachment trials didn't succeed I am truly beginning to believe that the Pandemic and the Riots are all part of their plan. They wanted to keep the country locked down for the rest of the year. They want the people dependent on them. They want to pay out money that our country doesn't have to all citizens (and illegal citizens) for the foreseeable future. They are all crazy. People don't understand that this ideology that nobody needs to work and the government will take care of us is ridiculous. Trump is getting too close to wiping them away and they are scared. They will do anything. I truly believe we are living out Revelations which means it is only going to get worse. I love living in America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but it is getting bad and I long for the days that we in Heaven, with no more tears or heartache, no more pain, no more anger. The world, politicians, and MSM make me angry.
I am angry with the church. I feel like I gave my heart and soul to a church family for 10+ years and even though I am the one that stopped going, I feel like they have deserted me. The year or two before we stopped going, I had been pulling out of things. I stopped leading a youth group, I stopped helping with OIAM and GAKAC, I stopped being available, and then I stopped being important to the church. There have been a few people who type the obligatory "I miss you" messages on my Facebook page, there has been one or two people who have checked on my over the past year, but I feel let down. I am hurt and I am angry. I want to find a new church up here where I live, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I don't want to go alone and I know JC and the boys won't go. I am angry at the choices I have made in the past 3 years that have led us to this point.
Finally, I took a hard long look into the mirror and I am angry at how I have let myself go again. I had surgery almost 6 years ago and never got down to the size I wanted but I was closer than I had been in a long time. I didn't put in the work. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't drink the amount I was supposed to drink. I got lazy and complacent and now I am back over 300 pounds again. I can't believe I even wrote that "out loud". I am embarrassed and I am angry. So since I can't do anything about the other issues, I knew I could make a step for this. I went for a walk and it worked. I walked hard and fast (and like I said I ended up regretting that) but it felt good....and I did it again this morning. This morning I am not quite so angry, this morning it was much cooler, this morning, I didn't walk quite as hard and I feel okay. Better than okay because I have realized I can't wait on anybody else. I want JC to join me, but I can't rely on him because he has given up (that is a whole other blog)...so I am motivated by the anger I feel and I hope that it continues to motivate me....even if I don't lose any weight, I believe walking is helping me to clear my head and my heart of all of this anger. I hope to continue that and to continue to come here to post, to get it off my chest, and to heal from the inside out.
I am angry....but I am motivated....Please Lord, let me turn this anger around for good. Help me to find a way to relieve this burden of anger. Help me to lean on you and to find a place of fellowship where I can share the love I have to share. Help me to reach out to you in my times of peace and in my times of anger. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.
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