Robbing Peter to Pay Paul is Exhausting....but I Think I am Starting to See the Light at the End of the Tunnel

 I say that I will try to do better every time I write and I never take the time to do it. I need to do it more. In High School I used to love to write. In a Journal. In a diary. In my classes. I wrote short stories and poems. Writing was a way to express how I was feeling, kind of the same way reading was and somewhere along the way, I have just lost interest in doing both. Or maybe I am just too tired these days to try, but I have been looking at the bookmark for the past week telling myself to get on and say something...anything....and today is the day.

I feel like this past year has been a roller coaster. It was around this time when I applied for a second job spraying schools for COVID. I started the first week in September. It was fun for a little bit, I was so out of shape so I was sore, but it felt good to bring in a little extra money and get up and move around. It ended up badly because of the tool of an owner he was, but I learned a lot about what I was capable of. Right around the time I stopped working for him in November, I started taking a more hands on responsibility with JC's parents' care. I realize I wouldn't have been able to do both so I think it was another timing situation orchestrated by God. I know He is in control of it all, even if I don't always give Him the credit. 

Around the time JC's dad passed away, I set up a new account at BB&T for his mom and they offered me a loan. It was a great way to pay down some debt, which gave me a little wiggle room to breath....but now I am saddled with two personal loan payments that are about as much as a house payment. Every month, I pray that using the credit cards along with my income will be enough to help us through to the next paycheck. It truly is exhausting. Also with the thought of Randall moving out soon and losing the rent money he has been paying me, I applied for another part time job. I wasn't sure how I would do it with all of the time I was spending with JC's mom, but I had to try. I got hired on with QVC and started the first week of June. It has been about two months. I have had to step back from so much time at JC's mom's house, but JC has picked up the slack. I work 4 (sometimes 5) days per week and get 3 evenings off. It has been a great help to start chipping away at the credit cards I had started to use again. I need to learn to say NO....especially to myself.

JC doesn't like the idea of me working a second job, but I told him, it helps me support my crafting habit and I get a pretty good discount and have been able to start shopping for Christmas gifts, so I need to be able to pay for those purchases as well. A few weeks ago, I talked to Rick about a Home Equity Line of Credit ("HELOC") and he helped me find a place to apply. I applied with a local credit union and got approved. It is taking the equity out of my house, which scares me, but it is giving me enough to pay both personal loans and MOST of the credit card debt off. The part time job will help me pay off the rest. I have 30 years to pay it back but I have no intention of doing that. My minimum payment will be more than half of what I used to have to pay, in fact, the $510 minimum payment is about the same amount I was paying in interest every month. My plan is to pay down all of the card and then start socking as much towards the HELOC if I can. The great thing about the HELOC is I can draw from it for repairs on the house as they are needed over the next 15 years. I hope I don't have to, but it will be a good option in the event something happens. I feel like this is the break I needed to be able to breathe and pay our bills every month. JC asked if I could stop working at QVC now, but I told him I want to keep doing it for at least a little while because the extra money is nice and I don't feel bad when I buy something craft related now.  We will see what the future holds, but for now, I am riding on the high of getting this accomplished.

Also, we just opened a new account ourselves with BB&T. It's crazy because I have been holding on to the account we opened with First Citizens when we moved down here, but they have recently made some changes and it's just not the same type of service we were used to getting. I am ready for the change and I am ready to keep building up my credit (even though it is really good right now) and removing as much debt as possible, because once the boys move out, I know my school loan payment is going to go up and I need a way to pay that too. I hope the boys are never saddled with this much debt and that one day, JC and I won't be either. I don't want the government to erase my school loans, but it would be nice if they could fix the interest problems with the loans. It has been nice seeing the amount of the school loans go down, ever so slightly with the payments that I have continued to make over the past year when payments weren't required because of COVID and the interest rate was 0%. I wish I could have been paying more every month but it wasn't meant to be....but I am going to keep my head up and just keep working towards the goal of getting it all paid off so maybe one day we can retire.

Until next time.....

Jeremy - the 2021 Graduate

There is so much I want to write about the changes we have gone through since the beginning of the year, but I don't have the time or energy right now, but I didn't want to wait to long to post about our baby....the youngest of our crew turning 18 and then graduating all within the past 3 weeks.  I am excited that he was able to go to prom. I am excited he got to play Soccer and Football this year. I am excited that they were in school at least part of the year. I am excited that they got to walk across the stage.  I am NOT excited about him now being an adult. The years are so long and yet go by so fast.  How does that even happen?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what the future holds...but I that has nothing to do with Jeremy himself, more so, me just being worried about everything.  Here are a few pictures to remember the day.  I will try to get back on here when I have more time to talk about what else has been going on.

First 2021 Update - We Said Goodbye to George (Johnny)

Well, just like I always, I say I will try to do better with blogging...but life happens.  I picked up a second job spraying the schools for COVID back in September and worked through December.

Looking back, I am not sure how I did it. It was good for me physically and financially, but mentally it was draining.  The guy I worked for was very unethical and the two guys that were on my team made be feel horrible at the end....but none of them define me.  After he tried to cheat on MY taxes, I put in my notice.  I was done....and I think it was all in God's timing.

JC's dad has been sick for many years.  We brought them down in 2017 to live near us in Concord with the hopes that he could become more independent and be able to take better care of himself.  Unfortunately that didn't happen as he never wanted to get dressed and go anywhere.  He probably only used his Scooter a handful of times.  Back in June, he stopped getting off of the couch.  I don't think I realized how bad it was because I was so busy internalizing the issues we were facing.  By October, he hadn't gotten up in almost 5 months and he couldn't do anything to care for himself.  He was taken to first the hospital and then to a nursing home.  They told me they were going to stop his P.T. because he wasn't getting any better but that he could continue to live in the nursing home for his wound care.  About that time, JC's mom's knee issues got worse and an ambulance was called.  She was taken to the hospital and then to a different nursing home.  Neither of them wanted to be in there and Kathy felt like she could care for him if they could come home.  

The week before Christmas, was my vacation week, so I set in motion a plan to get them both home for Christmas. He had to come home on what I thought was palliative care but was truly Hospice Care.  She got home roughly the same time he did, but things were not good.  He could not do anything for himself, even so much as turning himself over, and she couldn't even stand for more than a minute or two.  The Hospice nurse deemed it unsafe for him to stay at home.  Kathy refused the offer to go back into the nursing home until a more permanent situation could be found. George was taken to the Hospice House in Kannapolis, which was the best place he was at throughout this whole ordeal.  We took Kathy over to visit him and they ate Christmas supper together.  The next day, Kathy called the paramedics again and went back to the hospital saying she couldn't care for herself.

Through much work and discussions, with Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, Hospice, Nursing Homes, assisted living, etc....we got her into another nursing home closer to our house and started the process to get George into the same one temporarily together.  There is so much more I could write about the endless paperwork, applications, phone calls, but there isn't enough time for that.

Dawn and Billy came down on the 13th of January to help us clean out their apartment.  On the 14th, JC, Billy, and Dawn visited with George at the Hospice House.  This is important for several reasons, but mainly because during this time of COVID, there are is a no visitation policy at the nursing homes.  I had asked that they push back his date of discharge 2 days so he could see his grandson whom he hadn't seen in 3 years.  They allowed it.  This would be the final time for him to see his daughter and son and the grandson that he raised.  They spent an hour or more with him and then he was transferred to the nursing home in Salisbury and was sharing a room with Kathy.

They were very upset with us about the amount of stuff we were getting rid of.  The last time I talked to him that Friday night, I was very stern with him.  I feel horrible, but I think I was at a breaking point by then.  Plans were made and changed and changed again.  It was the last conversation I ever had with him.

On Monday night, JC took Dawn home and Randall took Billy and Toby home.  Gronk came to stay with us.  Monday night Dawn called me in tears because George had called her and said he was getting a pain pill every hour because he was at end of life.  She wanted to know if she needed to come back down.  I told her I didn't think so because they had been telling me he was fine.  She called the night nurse and she confirmed that all was good.  On Tuesday morning, I talked to the NP who told me he was alert, eating, drinking, and from what she could tell he wasn't going to die anytime soon.  I also spoke to the Hospice nurse to find out why they stopped giving him his insulin and one coumadin and if they were truly giving him a pain pill every hour.  The nurse explained that they ordered morphine for every hour in case something happened suddenly during a time when a pharmacy wasn't opened. He wasn't receiving an oxy pill every hour which is what he thought. That was around 9-10am. The nurses gave him a bath, he ate half of his breakfast. I planned to call George Tuesday afternoon to ask him if he wanted me to remove him from Hospice care and let the doctors at the nursing home take over his care but that chance never came.  JC was doing a window visit around 1pm.  His mom got stuck trying to get in the bed and I had to call a nurse to come down and help her.  About that time, their lunches were brought and they tried to wake George up to eat and he wasn't responding.  JC called me again panicked yelling that he was dying, about that time, the director of nursing called me to tell me they thought he was about to pass.  I told her JC was outside the window and asked if he could come in. She told me to have him go around to the front and they would have to do the COVID protocols. While he was getting robed, had his temperature taken, and a quick result COVID test, his father passed away. He was with his wife of 54 years. JC got there right after they called his time of death on January 19th at 1:40pm.  I had to call Dawn to tell her. I had no car so Randall had to drive me over there. I had him drop me off and I was going to set on the bench until JC came out, but JC asked me to come in.  For the first time since COVID started I had to take a COVID test, but I did it for him.  We stayed in the room together for a couple of hours until they came to pick up his body.  A lot of decisions were made and we had a Farewell at the crematory. Angela bought Taz and Bella up and Dawn came with Dave and her kids.  all of the boys were there as well.  When they all left on Friday, I crashed mentally and didn't do anything productive for several days.  A good friend reminded me that when it is your time to go, it is your time and nothing I did would have changed that.  It was just what I needed to hear.

It has been a long road.  Kathy is now in an apartment right down the street from us.  She is ineligible to receive assistance for living assistance because she makes too much now that she is eligible for his social security so we had no choice. Things have calmed down some and for that I am grateful but we still have a long way to go with her care. I will try to come back again soon, but for now here are a couple of pictures of George while he was in Hospice.  Before and After his haircut/beard trim.  They allowed us to bring somebody in to cut it and a friend got her cousin to come up for me...The last four pictures are the memorial lantern I made for Kathy.

I Thought...

 It has been awhile....this post I made on Facebook this past Sunday may explain more about that, but I will try to post again.  Life has been crazy but I hope it will shortly start slowing down.

I thought I had life figured out. I thought I could do it all on my own. I thought if I could just do this or that...then it would it would all be okay. I thought. And that was the problem.

Since March of 2018, I feel like the world has been endlessly spinning...sometimes out of control, other times at a snail’s pace. I always knew I wasn’t good at change but I thought after the extreme changes of 2018, I had gotten better at dealing with it. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2018, we bought a house, I lost my job, I found a new temporary job, I worked, I spent time with JC and the boys, I lost Hemi, I stopped going to church. I thought I was okay with these changes and that I could just put my head down and keep pushing on. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2019, I got hired on full time and I am so incredibly grateful. I went back to school AGAIN and got a paralegal certificate. I spent a little less time with my friends and family. I lost interest in doing my crafts and I never went to church but thought it was okay because I was still doing my daily Bible study on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2020, things seemed to be going okay. Covid hit and I didn’t really care because now I was working from home again full time and that was awesome. But then it didn’t go away. Nobody ventured out, unless it was for necessities. Graduations were cancelled, sports were cancelled, TV shows were cancelled. Riots started. The election started. Friends and family were fighting back and forth. I blocked many people on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see or hear the hypocrisy and hatred. I was called uneducated because of my opinion about masks. I started doing crafts again and it gave me a purpose. I could make people happy with making things that would ease their pain. I reconnected with an old friend after a tragedy and she was just what I needed and I hope I was what she needed to get through a very bad time. I thought I was in a safe place and that friends were allowed to have different opinions. I thought. And that was the problem.

Jeremy’s senior year started, his soccer team couldn’t play...it was pushed back until January. I paid for a senior ad and a yearbook thinking it would be the same as every other senior yearbook I have purchased, but I found out they wouldn’t even have a senior section with the tuxes and drapes. For some reason, this upset me more than anything else that happened in 2020 (at the time). I thought nothing could be worse. I thought. And that was the problem.

JC’s dad got very sick in October. He was placed in the hospital and then into a nursing home. Shortly after, his mom too was sent to the hospital and on to a nursing home. Every day from October 2020 until February 2021, things changed. Being in nursing homes with a pandemic running rampid is not fun and I feel for the people who can’t see their loved ones. Conversations were had. Decisions were being made and then changed and then made again. I tried so hard. I pushed myself. I learned so much about Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and why it is so difficult for many people who are elderly and need assistance. I tried so hard to meet their needs with the limited assistance they had. When I thought I made progress something would change. I thought I could handle it all. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2021, on January 19th, JC’s dad passed away. Although it wasn’t unexpected, we thought we had more time. I questioned the decisions I made, I questioned if I did enough, I questioned every conversation and idea that I made in the past four months....until a friend pointed out that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Each and everyone of us has a time when our earthly bodies will no longer be on this earth. We don’t know that day or time, but God does and even though I thought I could control some of that. I could not. I thought. And that was the problem.

That text message literally was a changing point for me. I realized my thoughts were the problem. I realized I need my people to help me. I need my friends who always have my back. I needed the meals and gift cards that were delivered. I needed the truth to be told to me. I need the encouragement and letters and hugs and text messages and prayers. I thought I was doing okay on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need my family both near and far. I need their strength, their ideas, their love and encouragement. I need to hear from them. I need to know they care. And I don’t mean on Facebook...friends and family come and go on Facebook...I see that. Where I have been let down by some of the people who have removed me...I can now see that it doesn’t matter about the quantity of friends but the quality. I thought my extended family was just an extension and not truly part of my life. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need to go to church. Sure, I can do my Bible study (which has been lacking in 2021) on my own, but I need the fellowship. I need to be around other believers, not to show what I can offer, but so I can learn to accept what they have to offer. I need the love and encouragement and truths spoken from the Word of God. I have gotten lazy and I need to get it back. I thought I could manage on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I am not sure why I woke up this morning with these thoughts on my mind and itching to write it down, but I have a feeling God does. I am done thinking...Because that was part of the problem. God is in control, He has always been in control, and He will always be in control. My thoughts can not change that.

Over the past several month, many people have lost loved ones, some that I cared for very much. Many people are hurting. My goal in the upcoming months is to reconnect with people. To understand their pain and to stop thinking “poor me...changes are hard”. I want to think “these changes are hard...how can I learn from this to help others?”

If you made it this far...thank you...and I love you for it. Have a blessed day!