I Thought...

 It has been awhile....this post I made on Facebook this past Sunday may explain more about that, but I will try to post again.  Life has been crazy but I hope it will shortly start slowing down.

I thought I had life figured out. I thought I could do it all on my own. I thought if I could just do this or that...then it would it would all be okay. I thought. And that was the problem.

Since March of 2018, I feel like the world has been endlessly spinning...sometimes out of control, other times at a snail’s pace. I always knew I wasn’t good at change but I thought after the extreme changes of 2018, I had gotten better at dealing with it. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2018, we bought a house, I lost my job, I found a new temporary job, I worked, I spent time with JC and the boys, I lost Hemi, I stopped going to church. I thought I was okay with these changes and that I could just put my head down and keep pushing on. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2019, I got hired on full time and I am so incredibly grateful. I went back to school AGAIN and got a paralegal certificate. I spent a little less time with my friends and family. I lost interest in doing my crafts and I never went to church but thought it was okay because I was still doing my daily Bible study on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2020, things seemed to be going okay. Covid hit and I didn’t really care because now I was working from home again full time and that was awesome. But then it didn’t go away. Nobody ventured out, unless it was for necessities. Graduations were cancelled, sports were cancelled, TV shows were cancelled. Riots started. The election started. Friends and family were fighting back and forth. I blocked many people on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see or hear the hypocrisy and hatred. I was called uneducated because of my opinion about masks. I started doing crafts again and it gave me a purpose. I could make people happy with making things that would ease their pain. I reconnected with an old friend after a tragedy and she was just what I needed and I hope I was what she needed to get through a very bad time. I thought I was in a safe place and that friends were allowed to have different opinions. I thought. And that was the problem.

Jeremy’s senior year started, his soccer team couldn’t play...it was pushed back until January. I paid for a senior ad and a yearbook thinking it would be the same as every other senior yearbook I have purchased, but I found out they wouldn’t even have a senior section with the tuxes and drapes. For some reason, this upset me more than anything else that happened in 2020 (at the time). I thought nothing could be worse. I thought. And that was the problem.

JC’s dad got very sick in October. He was placed in the hospital and then into a nursing home. Shortly after, his mom too was sent to the hospital and on to a nursing home. Every day from October 2020 until February 2021, things changed. Being in nursing homes with a pandemic running rampid is not fun and I feel for the people who can’t see their loved ones. Conversations were had. Decisions were being made and then changed and then made again. I tried so hard. I pushed myself. I learned so much about Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and why it is so difficult for many people who are elderly and need assistance. I tried so hard to meet their needs with the limited assistance they had. When I thought I made progress something would change. I thought I could handle it all. I thought. And that was the problem.

In 2021, on January 19th, JC’s dad passed away. Although it wasn’t unexpected, we thought we had more time. I questioned the decisions I made, I questioned if I did enough, I questioned every conversation and idea that I made in the past four months....until a friend pointed out that there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Each and everyone of us has a time when our earthly bodies will no longer be on this earth. We don’t know that day or time, but God does and even though I thought I could control some of that. I could not. I thought. And that was the problem.

That text message literally was a changing point for me. I realized my thoughts were the problem. I realized I need my people to help me. I need my friends who always have my back. I needed the meals and gift cards that were delivered. I needed the truth to be told to me. I need the encouragement and letters and hugs and text messages and prayers. I thought I was doing okay on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need my family both near and far. I need their strength, their ideas, their love and encouragement. I need to hear from them. I need to know they care. And I don’t mean on Facebook...friends and family come and go on Facebook...I see that. Where I have been let down by some of the people who have removed me...I can now see that it doesn’t matter about the quantity of friends but the quality. I thought my extended family was just an extension and not truly part of my life. I thought. And that was the problem.

I need to go to church. Sure, I can do my Bible study (which has been lacking in 2021) on my own, but I need the fellowship. I need to be around other believers, not to show what I can offer, but so I can learn to accept what they have to offer. I need the love and encouragement and truths spoken from the Word of God. I have gotten lazy and I need to get it back. I thought I could manage on my own. I thought. And that was the problem.

I am not sure why I woke up this morning with these thoughts on my mind and itching to write it down, but I have a feeling God does. I am done thinking...Because that was part of the problem. God is in control, He has always been in control, and He will always be in control. My thoughts can not change that.

Over the past several month, many people have lost loved ones, some that I cared for very much. Many people are hurting. My goal in the upcoming months is to reconnect with people. To understand their pain and to stop thinking “poor me...changes are hard”. I want to think “these changes are hard...how can I learn from this to help others?”

If you made it this far...thank you...and I love you for it. Have a blessed day!