Saying Goodbye (and good riddance) to 2018 and FINALLY to Hemi

The last time I posted was in June.  Big changes were taking place and I was worried.  I wrote a quick blog about the changes and I got on with my life.  I was in a state of panic wondering how I would support my family.  I applied for jobs until I was blue in the face.  I cried.  I mourned for who I was, because I had become my job.  I put on a brave face and I just kept trying even as the pain of rejection weighed heavily on my shoulders.

In July, I started working at the Food Lion corporate office through Bonney Staffing Agency.  I am working with contracts and I actually enjoy the work.  At 5pm, we walk out of the building and I am not on call, I don't have to think about the job again until 8am the next morning.  It is different.  In early August, I also started working part time at Michael's.  I enjoy it as well.  It isn't always easy, but I am making it work.  I hope in the coming year that I can get a Full Time permanent job soon.  I wait with bated breath.

I will be glad when this year is over.  It has been a season of loss and tears. I thought 2017 was bad with losing Krissie, then Snickers, then Rick.  I didn't think it could hurt much worse but I was wrong. 

Hemi took a turn for the worse in late August/early September.  I upped his steroids, kept getting his B12 but soon realized he wasn't going to get better this time. My heart was breaking but I was happy to be able to spend some extra time with him (that I didn't get with Krissie).  I feared each morning when I woke up and when I got home from work, that he would be gone. I worried that me being gone all the time with work that his little heart was breaking because the first 10 years I had him I worked from home and was always there with him. He started laying on the stairs near the boys room. He stopped eating. He was barely drinking but I guess I thought or hoped he would rebound again.  I was so thankful that I got the extra 9 months with him....but sadly on October 4th, after getting home and picking him up just to watch him get down and fall when he tried to walk, we decided to put him down.  I thought it would be harder for me to make that decision....to go in and tell them to do it and then watch him take his last breath.  When we got him there, they said his liver was failing....his ears and gums were jaundiced...he was slowly dying and that was more painful to think about then thinking about him not being with me. It was fast. I was surprised that I didn't cry more.  I was shocked that it didn't seem that I mourned as much for him as I did for Krissie.  I want to say it was because I had time to get used to it.  I had time to love him and tell him how much he meant to me.  I had time to say goodbye.  I want to believe that is why I grieved differently for him because he was my world.  He was my best friend and I miss him.  Just this morning I called Simba by Hemi's name.  I don't know why it is the end of December and I am just writing my goodbyes to him.  I don't know if it is because I have been so busy trying to make ends meet....or if it's because I haven't been ready to say good-bye...or if by sitting here right now bawling, I am having to face the fact that he is truly gone and I won't ever see him again.  I am in a rut....it feels like I am in limbo and I have a list of things to do (this being one of them) and I just don't do it.  It is easier to do nothing.  I don't know why or what cause me to procrastinate so much on doing this, but I couldn't let the year end without putting pen to paper, so to speak, to say good-bye to him.

So Hemi...I didn't forget you buddy.  I think about you every day.  I love you and miss you and I am so grateful for the 11 years you spent by my side. I am so grateful that your original owners gave you back and that we were there and got to take you home. I am so glad you and Krissie loved me unconditionally until you both took your last breaths.  I am sorry I delayed so long in writing this.  If there is truly a rainbow bridge, I hope you are with Snickers, Krissie, Grace, Scooter, and Skeeter and I hope I will get to see all of you again one day.

Each time I post, I say I will try to do better....so I will try but no promises.  2018 has gone by so fast. 2019 is just 2 days away and I am praying that I can turn my sadness into gladness, fear into hope, and love into help.  Happy New Year!!

So Many Changes....So Little Time

So it's been 4 months since I last wrote.  In some ways it zoomed past but other ways it seems as if it has been moving in slow motion.  So much has happened/changed since that last post.

Hemi is now taking a 1/2 steroid pill every day.  He is doing pretty good.  I wait with bated breath and pray that the pill will sustain him for many years....but know that there is always a chance, he could die tomorrow.  I am trying to enjoy every minute I have with him for now.

The biggest change that happened was we bought a house in April.  We moved from Concord to Salisbury.  From Cabarrus to Rowan.  We used the last 3 months to move slowly and finally fully moved last week after Jeremy finished school.  This is a big change for all of us and I feel like the boys all are angry with me because of this.....but it's a done deal now.  It will be a house that JC and I can grow old in.  We are down-sizing but we do have more property.  This neighborhood is so quiet.

Of course, the other big change, which is wreaking havoc right now on us....is I lost my job effective May 31st.  Not only have we lost the only income we had coming in, but I feel like I have lost part of my identity.  For so many years, I lived and breathed Neustar.  I carried a pager and was on call 24/7 basically. I worked 10-12 hours a day sitting at this desk...and now I am not.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I am actively looking for a new job now.

I am sad. I am a little hurt. But I am trusting that God has bigger and better plans for me and I am learning a lot about patience in this time right now.

Next week, we will have a yard sale and then we will turn in the keys at the other house.  We lived in that house longer than any other place we have ever lived.  I am sad on one hand but happy on the other.  Sometimes I don't know how I feel, and that scares me.

This is it for now....I will try to write more soon.

Still Waiting...but With a Little Hope

Well, the tests came back and said he had intestinal disease (Inflammatory Bowel) and Pancreatitis.  What the test doesn't specifically show is if the Inflammatory Bowel is just because of the bowel itself/his weight OR if it is a tumor.  He has had 6 weeks of B12 shots and for the most part is back to normal.  We also changed his diet to the OM prescription food.  I went ahead and put all 3 cats on it, because it is easier to keep them eating the same thing.  So far, he is eating, staying with me (instead of hiding in my room all the time) and is almost back to complete normal.  Although there are a few things I see in him, I don't know if I am just looking for issues or if it is truly an issue.  The next couple of weeks will be a good indication if it is a tumor or not.  He has graduated to getting the B12 shots every 3 to 4 weeks right now, if his symptoms come back, it is likely cancer, and we won't treat him.  It breaks my heart to say that, but I can't do that to him or to us.  I love him too much to want to see him go through that.

So, we wait.  Not like we wait in expectation for the day Jesus Christ will return.  We wait with bated breath, hoping above hope that he will be OK, but knowing there is a chance it could go either way.

In the meantime, a lot of change is taking place this year, that I am trying to get a grasp on. I have never been good with change, but again we are dealing with change and with wait.  After 8 years of renting (at the end of June), we placed a contract on a house in Salisbury, NC.  It is about 25 minutes from here.  I am not sure I ever though we would leave Cabarrus County, but we have been priced out of this area.  The house we are waiting for (we can't go to settlement until April 2nd) will actually be downsizing for us.  The older 2 boys will have to share a room, but since they are 20 and are seldom home now, I am hoping it is OK until they are ready to be on their own.  It is in an older neighborhood with almost a 1/2 acre of land on septic/well (which is new for us) and is a brand new home.  We got to pick out the carpet.  I am in love with the house and hope it is something that JC and I can grow old in together.  But we are waiting.  Waiting for the yard to get finished, waiting for my bonus, waiting for the carpet to be laid, waiting for some shelves to be built, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I wish I could say I am happily a patient person....but alas that would be a lie.  I am looking forward to getting the keys and slowing moving over the next couple of months.  We will stay here until the middle of June (so Jeremy can finish school) and since our lease ends in June. We have also put in an application to have Jeremy go to a different school in Rowan County, so we are currently waiting on the answer to that as well.  We have already decided if they decline his application, we will homeschool him, because he won't allow him to go to the school that he is supposed to go.

There is change/uncertainty with my job as we transition the NPAC to another company.  The work seems to get a little more challenging each week as we get closer to April.  It is a scary, anxious time.

After some discussion with my GYN, and after several years of minimal pain and several months now of excruciating pain and spotting lasting several weeks at a time, we are going to move forward with a partial hysterectomy.  I trust my doctor and feel like this will be the best choice.  The problem with that is she is saying probably 4 weeks off of work, so the timing is not great.  Based off of her schedule and our transition schedule and the upcoming move in June, it looks like I will push it out until July...so again with the waiting.  Again with the excitement, nervousness, anxiousness.

The rest of the animals are doing good for now.  Simba has a problem with itching/scratching and cutting himself.  I can't figure out if he has a skin issue or a mental issue.  I will be taking them in for appointments probably next month to get their shots, so I will ask then.  I just needed to get through Hemi's fiasco before I could focus on one more issue.

We made a quick trip up to VA for Elsie's funeral.  She was 84 and it was pretty sudden.  It was good to see family, but I hate that it was for that reason.  We definitely don't get up there enough.  Mike and DeeDee mentioned trying to get a family reunion together, so I might start looking into that again...you know in my spare time...LOL

We need to also get blinds and a refrigerator once we go to settlement. Then we are going to start packing, cleaning this house, and getting the new house set up so that come June, we can move DirecTV and Spectrum transferred and we will be ready to go.

I would love to say I plan to type more sooner than later, but at this point, I am not sure.  I find this helps when I am feeling anxious or unsettled, so it may be that I come back more often over the next 4 to 5 months...who really knows.

Waiting is so Hard

Losing Krissie last April was hard.  It was unexpected.  I knew she felt a little smaller, but had no idea that she had lost half of her body weight.  When we left for the quick trip to VA, I had no idea her temperature was so low or that she would go down hill so quickly.  I didn't know.  I thought nothing could be worse than that....but alas, here I am watching and waiting as Hemi is going down hill quickly...but I recognize the changes.  He has dropped over 6 pounds.  His hair is sticking up in ways it never did before.  I feel his spine, something that I haven't felt in many many years. He is hiding under my bed, hanging out in my room upstairs instead of wherever I am.

I made an appointment because of the weight loss but at the time of the appointment, I didn't notice much else.  Last Wednesday, his eye started leaking...I thought Skylar scratched.  On Saturday, I took him to the vet.  They took blood and urine, did a skin test for the place he is licking. They scanned his eye to make sure it wasn't a cut.  The tests were all negative and yet when I brought him home on Saturday, he hid in my room.  He has stopped eating and drinking.  I finally got him to eat a little bit of tuna fish, but nothing like he used to.  He has drank some.  He had more tests yesterday and got a B12 shot and finished the tuna fish.  His eye isn't leaking as bad, but I still haven't seen him have a bowel movement....I just look at him and my heart breaks.  He has been my buddy...my best friend...he has loved me unconditionally.  I want him to get better, but I am scared he will not.  I have cancelled going to the mountains this weekend, because I just couldn't bear it if he passed away and I wasn't here for him.....like with Krissie.  I don't want to desert him if it is the end for him.

Some people will understand....some won't.  Pets are things to some people and to others they are part of the family.  Hemi is my friend, my baby, my chunky monkey....

The tests being sent to Texas A&M may or may not be able to pin point what is wrong with him.  The next step would be an ultrasound, but I don't know if I can afford it or if it will even be worth it in the end.  At this point, there are two options...either it is inflammatory bowel or Lymphoma.  The first can be treated, the second cannot.  I love you Hemi....no matter what happens, that will never change.