I am at a loss for words....tonight I have prayed for 3 people who have cancer. One is a child. Although there are many children fighting cancer every day, this is a child I know personally. One is a man I have never met, but I know his daughter and her family, and I know that he is a great man because of how they are. He has been given 6-8 weeks to live. One is a young woman who is a year younger than me. I don't know her, I don't think I have ever met her, but I did apparently go to school with her. Hospice has been called after 5 years of fighting cancer, she won't survive this time, and it breaks my heart.
I don't know what to say. Saying sorry doesn't seem to cover enough. I don't know what to do. Offering help doesn't seem to be the answer when there are so many people offering. i don't know what to pray. Do I pray for a miracle? Do I pray for complete healing here on earth so we don't lose our loved one and they are healthy? Was I wrong for praying that this young woman's family have peace that surpasses understanding as they say good bye to their wife, sister, cousin, mother, and friend? How is it possible to watch her suffer and know that the outcome is that she will no longer be here on earth with her family? How is that her last blog entry at the beginning of this year said it was going to be a great year, only to find out that before the end of the year was over, she would be gone? How can I be thinking that at least she will be out of pain and will be in Heaven, when I don't even know her? Could I be that brave it was me?
I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to bring a smile instead of seeing their tears. Why do I even feel like I need to do this? Why do I even feel like I am in control enough to control that? Only God is in control. Only God can do any of this...even giving a family peace in their time of turmoil. I don't know if this earth will ever be easier, but I can rest assured that it will be beyond words when I get to Heaven...words won't be able to express how it is, or what we feel. We own't know until we get there many things here on earth that we don't understand. We may not even WANT to know those things any longer. Who would ask questions about this place while standing in that place?
JC is back in one of his black moods today...and I don't know how to fix that either. I am scared one day.......well I won't voice what I fear he will do, I just don't know how to make it better. Although he says it isn't me, I can't help feeling that I have failed. He says he has failed himself, not me....all I can do is encourage him and pray for him and continue to love him unconditionally....I don't think he is used to that and he is always trying to push me away....I don't think he knows how deep my love runs for him. i don't think he realizes how much the boys love him and how they would be devastated if he weren't here.
So alot is going on in my mind....there is a missing woman from right down the street. She is still missing. I read an article today that said she may be ok and staying in VA. I don't know if that is true or not, but the family and friends still have this hope. I have to commend them for not stopping. They continue to put her in the media...they love her so much, and I pray that what happened or whatever is going on, that she will come home soon to her family that loves and misses her so much.
James and Randall have officially finished the behind the wheel part of driver's ed. They have been added as a permitted driver on our insurance...next step DMV. We have dentist appointments this week and then next week, my mom and I are going to a woman's retreat in the mountains. I am truly looking forward to 2 days of relaxation.
In Christ,
Bobbie
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Where Does the Time Go??
Well, it is hard to believe that it is now almost the end of September. I was determined this year to stay focused and journal often, but seeing that it has been 3 months, it is obvious I have failed again. Life gets so busy....or is that just an excuse??
Alot has happened since the last I wrote. JC's brother went back home against our wishes...but he is an adult and we had to let him go. He promised it would be different, he promised JC he would stay in touch, but that wasn't true, and probably was never going to be true...but life is too short, so I have let it go.
I believe we figured out the "discombulated" feeling I was having....medically anyway. I was tested for Thyroid issues and was found to have an issue. I also was tested for Sleep Apnea again, and surprise surprise, I have it. So between the CPAP machine and the new medicine, I am starting to feel better. My head (mind) seems much clearer,and I am not in pain nearly as much. I have also changed to Allegra for my allergies and it seems to really be doing the job. Now if only I could gather up my energy and get back to walking.....
James and Randall are now in 10th grade. I am still having a hard tie wrapping my head around that fact. I am too young to have highschoolers....it just can't be. Time is passing by way to fast. They just finished the Behind the Wheel portion of Driver's Ed and should be getting their permits within the next week. They over over 6 feet tall at 15. They are great boys (for the most part)....they are teenagers after all and unfortunately, they haven't gotten the memo that JC and I have been their age before. They think they know everything and we know nothing. I told Randall just tonight that I hope he has a teenager just like him!! That will teach him. I worry about them because even though they are good students, they aren't great. They are lazy. They don't try...or even want to try. I worry about their future. I worry that we haven't taught them what it means to be a an. I worry that they will not be ready to enter this world....but worry is not necessary because God knows what is going to happen, so my worry is not going to change anything. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." They will do God's will in their life.....I want to have a better prayer life so that they are always being lifted up.
Jeremy is playing Football this year. He is small and timid and fears the tackling and blocking part of the game....it is scary for me because I am starting to like the game. I love watching him play, even if I don't understand what is happening. I am not sure that he will play Football again, but I have truly started to enjoy his being out on that field. He is in 4th grade this year. WOW. He will be 10 in 7 months, it doesn't seem fair. He is my baby, he will always be my baby.....but my baby isn't a baby anymore...he is growing up. Getting his own personality. He is a lover, he is a cuddler, he is a child of God....he is mine only temporarily. God has given me three of the biggest blessings in my life and I fear that I am letting him down. I worry about our parenting....I worry that I am not a good enough mom or a good enough wife. I fear that I haven't taught them what I need to help them grow. I am pretty sure nobody has ever said that life with kids was a cake walk, and if they have, I sure wish I had just a little slice of that cake for a little bit. Jeremy loves to play, hates to sit still and do homework, does not always listen to instructions, but he can melt your heart with just a look of his eye or a pout of his lip.
The dogs have turned 1. The cats are probably 4 I would think, kind of lost track. JC is well....he is JC. He struggles with insecurity and self esteem, but handles it very differently than I do. I tend to hide in my insecurities.....he seems to boast in his. He can be a wonderful father and husband (when he wants to be), but the world has kicked him down so many times, the times he wants to be seems to be fewer in between. I won't say he isn't trying, but until last week, depression had a hand on him severely. I know the devil is doing this, he is in a spiritual warfare with many people in our church, including JC, and I believe that is because the devil is scared because he knows what we are capable of doing. JC has become the love of my life, he is my best friend, and I worry about him so much. I hate to see him so frustrated with life. I want to give him and the boys anything they want, but financially I am not equipped to do that. I struggle between wanting to give them more and wanting to give to others more. I know I should be giving to the poor, the widows, and the orphans. I want to do it more, I want it to be the first thing I give and not an afterthought. I want to be more like Jesus in everything I do, from responding to anger to giving more with my heart. I want to be in the Word more every day. I NEED to be in the Word more. I want JC to be back to his old self....the one where he wasn't so bitter and beat down....where trials and strife didn't send him into a despair so deep that sometimes I don't think he will come out of it. I want him to love to live and not just want to live for the boys' sake. I want him to grasp the grace given by God and fully accept that he has been ransomed at a huge price - the blood of Jesus Christ...and I want him to cry out to be saved and to stop crying out to be put out of his misery. My heart aches for him Lord, please keep his mind on you!!
I have completed my first class on my Master's Degree. It was probably the hardest class I have ever taken in my life, and thankfully (and BARELY) I got an A on it. I don't think I have ever been so relieved to be done with a class before. If I could write a letter to my 16 year old self...it would probably go something like this:
"Bobbie, you don't know me at all. I am you 20 years from now....I know you won't know me, because I don't know you. You are loved by a Father in Heaven who is always there for you even in your darkest days. You don't need the love and acceptance of a boy just because your dad is gone. You don't need to give everything sacred away because you want to feel loved. You are ALL READY loved. You will have an amazing life, you will be a wife and a mother. You will work hard and you will struggle. You will cry and you will laugh. You will be OK. Please spend more time on your studies. Apply to more than just 1 college. Play softball knowing that you won't ever play again and will miss it with every being in your body. Get a scholarship and go to college the right way. You can change you."
......And maybe it wouldn't say that, because all of those wrong choices led me to where I am today....laughing and crying, being OK, struggling and working hard to provide a life my kids and my husband. I wouldn't change anything because I have them and the struggles and pain that it took to get here, is worth it the end.
I am not sure where this is coming from...it's been a rough year. So many people, young old, men and women, children and babies are dying all over the place.....Cancer is sucking the life out of them at this very minute. Young women dying from breast and/or lung cancer, leaving behind young children and friends and family who are lost and hurting. Young children fighting the good fight only to lose their life in the end....young parents trying to find the peace that surpasses understanding at having to bury their babies. Fighting through treatments of chemo and radiation and celebrating the victory of beating it only to have it return again. And if these health issues aren't enough, we have a world that is falling apart, countries are fighting each other, people are fighting people in the streets of the United States, children are being abused and orphaned all across the globe. It is a scary time to be alive. The election is coming and neither one of the candidates seem to be able to save this country...but the Bible says that we won't be saved....at least by the world's standards...for those of us that believe in Jesus Christ, we will meet him in the skies....but the rest of the world, will not. That is scary!
I feel like I am in some sort of holding pattern. Knowing I need to do more for the Kingdom of God and not knowing what or how to go about this. Lord, this is my prayer to you tonight. Please help me find peace in the midst of this tribulation. Help me stand strong in my beliefs, help me to be more in your Word so that I can answer questions and be the person you want me to be. Help me to help others with no questions. Let me be more like you and less like me. Please keep my children safe in this dangerous world. Let their minds and their hearts be cleared and open to hear your Word always. Help JC to see that you love him so much and that the boys and I love him more than he will ever know. Keep me healthy, help me get fit in my mind and body so that I can boldly proclaim the name of Jesus. In your name I pray....Amen.
And with that, I will say good night. I am going to try to get some sleep so I can get up for another long day at work tomorrow.
In Christ,
Bobbie
Alot has happened since the last I wrote. JC's brother went back home against our wishes...but he is an adult and we had to let him go. He promised it would be different, he promised JC he would stay in touch, but that wasn't true, and probably was never going to be true...but life is too short, so I have let it go.
I believe we figured out the "discombulated" feeling I was having....medically anyway. I was tested for Thyroid issues and was found to have an issue. I also was tested for Sleep Apnea again, and surprise surprise, I have it. So between the CPAP machine and the new medicine, I am starting to feel better. My head (mind) seems much clearer,and I am not in pain nearly as much. I have also changed to Allegra for my allergies and it seems to really be doing the job. Now if only I could gather up my energy and get back to walking.....
James and Randall are now in 10th grade. I am still having a hard tie wrapping my head around that fact. I am too young to have highschoolers....it just can't be. Time is passing by way to fast. They just finished the Behind the Wheel portion of Driver's Ed and should be getting their permits within the next week. They over over 6 feet tall at 15. They are great boys (for the most part)....they are teenagers after all and unfortunately, they haven't gotten the memo that JC and I have been their age before. They think they know everything and we know nothing. I told Randall just tonight that I hope he has a teenager just like him!! That will teach him. I worry about them because even though they are good students, they aren't great. They are lazy. They don't try...or even want to try. I worry about their future. I worry that we haven't taught them what it means to be a an. I worry that they will not be ready to enter this world....but worry is not necessary because God knows what is going to happen, so my worry is not going to change anything. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." They will do God's will in their life.....I want to have a better prayer life so that they are always being lifted up.
Jeremy is playing Football this year. He is small and timid and fears the tackling and blocking part of the game....it is scary for me because I am starting to like the game. I love watching him play, even if I don't understand what is happening. I am not sure that he will play Football again, but I have truly started to enjoy his being out on that field. He is in 4th grade this year. WOW. He will be 10 in 7 months, it doesn't seem fair. He is my baby, he will always be my baby.....but my baby isn't a baby anymore...he is growing up. Getting his own personality. He is a lover, he is a cuddler, he is a child of God....he is mine only temporarily. God has given me three of the biggest blessings in my life and I fear that I am letting him down. I worry about our parenting....I worry that I am not a good enough mom or a good enough wife. I fear that I haven't taught them what I need to help them grow. I am pretty sure nobody has ever said that life with kids was a cake walk, and if they have, I sure wish I had just a little slice of that cake for a little bit. Jeremy loves to play, hates to sit still and do homework, does not always listen to instructions, but he can melt your heart with just a look of his eye or a pout of his lip.
The dogs have turned 1. The cats are probably 4 I would think, kind of lost track. JC is well....he is JC. He struggles with insecurity and self esteem, but handles it very differently than I do. I tend to hide in my insecurities.....he seems to boast in his. He can be a wonderful father and husband (when he wants to be), but the world has kicked him down so many times, the times he wants to be seems to be fewer in between. I won't say he isn't trying, but until last week, depression had a hand on him severely. I know the devil is doing this, he is in a spiritual warfare with many people in our church, including JC, and I believe that is because the devil is scared because he knows what we are capable of doing. JC has become the love of my life, he is my best friend, and I worry about him so much. I hate to see him so frustrated with life. I want to give him and the boys anything they want, but financially I am not equipped to do that. I struggle between wanting to give them more and wanting to give to others more. I know I should be giving to the poor, the widows, and the orphans. I want to do it more, I want it to be the first thing I give and not an afterthought. I want to be more like Jesus in everything I do, from responding to anger to giving more with my heart. I want to be in the Word more every day. I NEED to be in the Word more. I want JC to be back to his old self....the one where he wasn't so bitter and beat down....where trials and strife didn't send him into a despair so deep that sometimes I don't think he will come out of it. I want him to love to live and not just want to live for the boys' sake. I want him to grasp the grace given by God and fully accept that he has been ransomed at a huge price - the blood of Jesus Christ...and I want him to cry out to be saved and to stop crying out to be put out of his misery. My heart aches for him Lord, please keep his mind on you!!
I have completed my first class on my Master's Degree. It was probably the hardest class I have ever taken in my life, and thankfully (and BARELY) I got an A on it. I don't think I have ever been so relieved to be done with a class before. If I could write a letter to my 16 year old self...it would probably go something like this:
"Bobbie, you don't know me at all. I am you 20 years from now....I know you won't know me, because I don't know you. You are loved by a Father in Heaven who is always there for you even in your darkest days. You don't need the love and acceptance of a boy just because your dad is gone. You don't need to give everything sacred away because you want to feel loved. You are ALL READY loved. You will have an amazing life, you will be a wife and a mother. You will work hard and you will struggle. You will cry and you will laugh. You will be OK. Please spend more time on your studies. Apply to more than just 1 college. Play softball knowing that you won't ever play again and will miss it with every being in your body. Get a scholarship and go to college the right way. You can change you."
......And maybe it wouldn't say that, because all of those wrong choices led me to where I am today....laughing and crying, being OK, struggling and working hard to provide a life my kids and my husband. I wouldn't change anything because I have them and the struggles and pain that it took to get here, is worth it the end.
I am not sure where this is coming from...it's been a rough year. So many people, young old, men and women, children and babies are dying all over the place.....Cancer is sucking the life out of them at this very minute. Young women dying from breast and/or lung cancer, leaving behind young children and friends and family who are lost and hurting. Young children fighting the good fight only to lose their life in the end....young parents trying to find the peace that surpasses understanding at having to bury their babies. Fighting through treatments of chemo and radiation and celebrating the victory of beating it only to have it return again. And if these health issues aren't enough, we have a world that is falling apart, countries are fighting each other, people are fighting people in the streets of the United States, children are being abused and orphaned all across the globe. It is a scary time to be alive. The election is coming and neither one of the candidates seem to be able to save this country...but the Bible says that we won't be saved....at least by the world's standards...for those of us that believe in Jesus Christ, we will meet him in the skies....but the rest of the world, will not. That is scary!
I feel like I am in some sort of holding pattern. Knowing I need to do more for the Kingdom of God and not knowing what or how to go about this. Lord, this is my prayer to you tonight. Please help me find peace in the midst of this tribulation. Help me stand strong in my beliefs, help me to be more in your Word so that I can answer questions and be the person you want me to be. Help me to help others with no questions. Let me be more like you and less like me. Please keep my children safe in this dangerous world. Let their minds and their hearts be cleared and open to hear your Word always. Help JC to see that you love him so much and that the boys and I love him more than he will ever know. Keep me healthy, help me get fit in my mind and body so that I can boldly proclaim the name of Jesus. In your name I pray....Amen.
And with that, I will say good night. I am going to try to get some sleep so I can get up for another long day at work tomorrow.
In Christ,
Bobbie
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