So, it has been two weeks since the last post. I didn't mean to wait so long, but honestly, writing that post took so much out of me. I was raw and just didn't have the energy to sit back down here and write more. I just re-read my post and I am appalled that I spelled "threw" wrong twice...LOL
Small Wins & Small Rewards
* Next few steps
* Legit meaningful goals
* Create a small reward
* Do this over several months
In my mind, I have always been a strong person. I have been shy, bashful, behind the scenes, a hard worker, somebody who loves hard, trusts stringently, tries my best to be everything to everybody. I am realizing that although I am in strong in some aspects of my life, there are so many other aspects that I am failing. Change was something I thought I was getting better at, but I think that may have been stretching the truth just a little. I am trying to get past the brokenness that I feel. In some ways, I feel strong and I am okay with the decisions I am making, but in other ways, I wonder why I am choosing to remove everything/everybody slowly out of my life. I am comfortable and I am tired. I don't always want to go out and do stuff and I am okay with it...for the most part. I want to stop feeling guilty about it. I want to do what I want, when I want, and not feel bad.
So with that being said, I am moving on to the next phase of this self-confidence class that I completed through work.
The next steps I want to take are:
* Stop being angry and resentful to people who have hurt me
* Stop feeling guilty
* Do what makes me happy, as long as I am not hurting others
* Enjoy learning (over the next 6 months for the Paralegal certification)
The meaningful goals I am setting:
* Be happy with whatever decisions I make
* Find a new church home or go back to WCC (not making a decision is not an answer)
* Go through boxes in office and keep what is important to scrapbook and get rid of the rest
* Create a game night to start building relationships with people in this new neighborhood
* Continue to work hard, complain less, and complete the certification doing the best I can
* Pay off debt, one day at a time
* Start exercising and eating better, feel better physically and mentally, about myself
Create a small reward:
* When I find a church and/or attend church for a month in a row, I will treat myself to a hike
* Each box I go through, I will treat myself to a night of scrap booking (or force myself to do it)
* When I lose 25 pounds, I will get myself new bras
* When I get my credit card paid off again, I will put the extra money (if any) towards my personal loan. When I get the first personal loan paid off, I will put the extra money towards the second personal loan, and then I will start working on my school loans.
I will work on this over the next several months.
There are a lot of things I need to work on....happiness and self confidence will come, I just have to want to reach for it.
Remove Negativity from your Life
* Think about the past year, write down negative events
* Identify and remove negative thoughts
* Think about next year (future) and determine how I can reduce time with these negative things
* Write down positive events
* Identify & bring closer positive thoughts
Negative Events (past 2 years) - Losing Krissie, losing my job, losing Hemi, issues with new house
Positive Events (past 2 years) - Buying a new house, getting hired permanently and beginning a new career
Stop blaming myself for Krissie's death. Stop reliving the 9 months of trying to keep Hemi healthy and second guessing every move I made. Remove the reminder that pops up every morning at 7:50 to remind me to give Hemi his medicine. Stop reliving the feeling of failure for not being able to save him. Stop believing that you aren't good enough. You lost your job because of poor decisions and not because of your work. Stop focusing on everything that has gone wrong with the house and focus on the peace it gives you. Continue to praise God through the storms. You are blessed. Continue to feel proud and enjoy learning about being a paralegal. Praise God that I am capable of earning a living and figure out a way to spend less.
I am going to cut this short tonight. I have boxes to look through, reading to do for class, my bible study, and resting my mind right now. Jeremy is gone with his ROTC group right now. They are in the mountains and we miss him like crazy. I am off the next 3 days. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer and then JC and I are going to see a movie. Tuesday, I turn 43 and we are headed to VA to see Jack graduate. Wednesday we will come home and JC will pick Jeremy up on Thursday. As fast as life is passing right now, I don't want to wish time away, but I can't wait until we get to see him again. Until next time.
