Focusing on Me (and my Family)

For so many years, I have focused on helping others.  I know this is what God has called me to do, so I have worked hard to make sure I do everything I can for anybody who needs me.  But what I have realized is that by focusing on everybody else, I tend to not focus on my needs or those of my family.  I have decided in 2018, I will be focus on us.  I have pushed my student loans out so much that the amount plus the interest is literally hanging around my neck like a noose.  I don't want to pay on this debt for the rest of my life.  This is not the best time to pay on these loans for several reasons, but I know if I don't start soon, I won't have the financial or emotional means to continue to help others.

A few things have happened over the past couple of months.  We were in an accident on JC's birthday which ended up costing us his truck.  The truck was totaled because the cost of repairs were more than it was worth.  We used the money we got from the insurance company as a down payment on a newer used vehicle.  We paid the Honda off in December, but have now replaced it with a new payment for the Explorer we got.  I was able to get a reduction of the payment on my school loans, but I don't want to just pay the minimum.  I want to work to get it paid down while still paying my other monthly bills and debt.  In 2018, we will be transitioning the NPAC (where I have worked for the past 15 years) to a new company after 5 long years since we lost the contract.  I don't know where I will be in June, but I am trusting in the Lord to provide, because He has never let us down.  We have always had what we need and more.  In the meantime, I am going to try to do a few fundraisers and find a second part-time job working from home.  Every extra penny I make, I am going to put towards the school loan.  I have created another blog that I am using to support those endeavors.

Randall had surgery last week on his left knee.  He had his ACL reconstructed and 2 miniscus tears that were repaired.  He has to stay off of his leg for at least 6 weeks.  We are trying to decide how he will get back to school for the winter semester.

Christmas was a fun and relaxing time and we are looking forward to seeing my family on Thursday of this week.  For now, that is all.  I love the new desk JC got me for Christmas, so I hope to feel up to blogging more in the near future. 

Happy 2018!

If it Causes you Peace; it is Too Expensive

Earlier today on Facebook, I saw this post

This is so true and something I am working on.  There is so much going on in this world that makes peace a fleeting memory, but I choose to rely on the hope of God and eternal life with Him.  I tend not to overreact to issues, but I do see how sometimes I let anger and hurt take over.  I have decided that I am not going to let narcissistic people devalue me or my reputation.  I have decided that my time is just as valuable as other's believe theirs is.  I am a busy person.  I am a mom, a full time worker, a child of God who is always trying to help people, but I get tired.  I have decided that peace is better than having friends who bring negativity into every aspect of their life and as a result into mine.  I have decided to search for peace instead of turmoil.  I have decided that in order to get peace, I need to declutter my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I am not there yet, but I am prepared to start today.  Here are a few bible verses that I found regarding peace. I definitely need to focus hard on the 1 Thessalonians verse as I have not acted but definitely thought about pay back this week.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace in this world. You will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11

"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." 1 Thessalonians 5:15

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy." Proverbs 12:20

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

When it Rains...It Pours

2017 has been a year of learning for me.  Learning to let go, learning to fight for my marriage and my kids, learning to pray more and lean on God, but mostly it has been a huge lesson on death.  I have never been good with goodbyes, and definitely never with death.  The first funeral I went to was when I was 12 and it was my great-grandmother.  It was rough watching my dad's cousin throw herself on the casket as they tried to lower it in the ground.  When I was 18, I went to a funeral of a friend of a friend.  I knew of Harvey, but wasn't close, but I went with Mandy, and cried more than anybody there. My grandparents have all died since then, but it never seems to get easier.  This year, we loss Krissie and then Snickers, but losing JC's brother, Rick, has probably been the most devastating for us.  He had just turned 49, 10 days before he passed.  He was told a couple of months ago that he had heart failure, but we assumed he could live a long time with it since his dad has lived with it for almost 10 years.  We thought he would be OK with medicine.  We begged him to quit working, to quit mowing, to slow down, but he was a proud man who just wanted to work and support his family.  He had a massive heart attack in his sleep.  He went to bed Friday night and never woke up. JC has been a rock for his family.  He holds it together mostly, but there are times when I look at him and see the sadness.  He mentioned that he would never be able to talk to him again, I think it was finally setting in.  He did a wonderful job of talking about Jesus in a prayer for the friends/family at the reception held at their church.

If anything good can come from a death, our families getting together to honor Rick, is truly something I don't think anybody ever thought could happen.  There was a lot of animosity because of the shooting that happened 5 years ago.  JC and I were very worried that something would happen or something would be said, but it didn't.  Through the grace of God, everybody was civil.  I just wish Rick was still here to witness it.  I wish he wasn't so stubborn that he wouldn't let Taz back into his life before he died.  I wish we would have made more time to go down there to see him with his parents before he died.  Rick was cremated as were his wishes.  His wife, kids, brother, mother, and sister, will all wear a piece of him.  Rick was loved.  I don't know if he knew how much when he was alive, but in his death the love of everybody was seen clearly. Rick had a hard life.  I only knew him through JC and Angela and the few times I met him.  He stayed at our house for a little while 5 years ago, he wasn't my brother in blood but through JC he was my brother.  We hope to see him one day again.  I hope he is finally at peace and he knows that we will help take care of his family as well as we can. Selfishly, I worry about JC and the boys.  He is almost 46. They are severely overweight and believe they are invincible.  I want them to be OK always, but I know ultimately, it is all in God's timing.

When we returned from Alabama with his parents, we got home to a very sick cat.  His mom's cat, Brady had been losing weight for a couple of weeks, but he could barely walk when we got home.  We took him to the vet and after doing some blood work, it was determined he was very sick.  We had to put him down, and his mom is devastated.  Her cats are like her kids.  It is a lot to take all in one week.  My heart aches for all of them, especially her.  I am still learning.  Death is hard, but I know there is so much work that still needs to be done before Jesus comes back to call us Home.  I want to be a light in this world, I have some work to do....in the meantime, here are a few pictures of Rick from 5 years ago and 2 of the cousins and Rick's siblings.  I am not sure we will get many more times together, I hope so, but at least we have these memories.

Getting Rid of the Excess...the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This year has had its ups and downs.  Every time I think I am getting ahead, I feel like I fall a little behind.  I have been working on the Armor of God Bible study, but am about 2 weeks behind right now.  I know this is part of why I am feeling so BLAH right now, but yet I don't push myself to just get up and do it.  I am falling behind in work because there just isn't enough time to get everything done.  Getting up and walking in the mornings is helping mentally and physically, and I am enjoying being able to walk towards some virtual race goals.  I have nothing to be be BLAH about, and yet here I am.  Here I sit eating Hershey Kisses that I found when I should be doing so many other things.  I could be working on my bible study, cleaning my office, scrapbooking, reading, outside walking....

A few weeks ago I was thinking about setting up another blog to help me focus on losing weight, losing the clutter (in my mind and in my house), and setting up a fund raising event to try to help get rid of my school debt.  The debt is hanging around my neck like a noose.  It is astronomical and I think some times just thinking about it puts me in a funk.  I pay so much interest, I don't think the principle will ever decrease.  I do plan to consolidate the loans in October/November to help decrease some of the interest and I know my payment will increase at the same time, so we should have the car paid off in December and then that payment amount will go towards the school loans.  I go back and forth about ways I can earn extra money to get these paid down.  It is a burden I bought onto my family and I want to fix it, but ultimately, I know I am giving it to God, and He has blessed me beyond anything I deserve, and we will be fine.  I just need to trust in Him and in His timing.  I can't tell if my ideas for getting money are me trying to control things or ideas from Him, but until I hear a definite answer, I don't want to move.

Clutter in my mind, body, and home is what I want to start working on.  I want to clean up my act, clean up my habits, and make more room to honor God in everything I do.  I want to say yes when He wants me to say yes and No when He wants me to say no.  I want to get rid of the excess and be free to enjoy the abundant life God has given to me. 

I guess this is To Be Continued......

Snickers is Gone

Yesterday morning I woke up and started my day like usual; went to the bathroom, scrolled through Facebook, got dressed, started to feed the guinea pigs, and found Snickers dead in his cage.  His death wasn't as big of a surprise to me as Krissie's was.  Hers came out of nowhere...but Snickers was 3 and had a swollen mammary gland (which I have read was probably cancerous). I have heard life expectancy for guinea pigs is between 3 and 5 years and he was a little more than 3.  But even with it not being much of a surprise, it still hurts.  I have regrets with the guinea pigs because they were just so content to be together in their cage.  They never seemed to enjoy time out of the cage, so we fed them, gave them oranges and peppers for vitamin C, cleaned their pan out once or twice a week, gave them water and just let them be.  I don't know how long he had been dead, I was dealing with some stuff Wednesday night and I didn't check on them, I just went to bed, and there he was Thursday morning.  Shadow was laying next to him when I found him and that breaks my heart to think his buddy died and he had no way to tell me.  I hate death.  I know they are "just" animals to some people but they wiggle into your heart and become part of your family.  I never thought I would love a rodent, but Snickers was one of the good guys....and we will miss him.  Shadow is missing him.  Hemi is acting weird again like he did with Krissie, I am beginning to think he knew even before I did by the way he was acting. 

With the pain I am feeling over my animals, I can't imagine the pain of losing a human companion.  There are so many who are aching right now over lost loved ones.  I have been blessed with a somewhat healthy family and I haven't seen alot of death, but I know it is coming.  Everything on this earth will die eventually...and I have to pick up my game.  There are so many people who don't have a relationship with Christ and I need to find a way to bring them to know Jesus.  I am doing a great bible study right now by Priscilla Shirer called the Armor of God.  I am learning a lot and my tired soul is getting a much needed boost.  Things are changing around here and I need to learn to deal with some of it better.  I want to love better. I want to be better. I want to do better.  But I can't do any of that without putting my armor on first, knowing God's Truth and wearing it proudly.

Randall has decided to stay with Zaxbys. James is still at Harris Teeter. They both have 2 weeks left of their summer classes and then they will have an Associates degree and will begin UNCC in August.  Jeremy is going to some summer workouts for soccer.  He is going to try out for the High School team.  I don't know if he will make it or not, but we are definitely proud of the effort he has given so far. There are a lot of kids trying out, so I am holding on to hope, but if he doesn't make it, I will still be proud of him.  He will play rec ball and life will go on. JC is busy keeping us all together, taking care of us and now his parents. I am so blessed to have him. My job is changing, getting busier, but OT has been cut.  This is a good thing and a bad thing as I have been used to the money, but I think mentally and physically it will be a good thing in the end and an answer to prayers I have been praying during this bible study.  I know God will provide for us rather I am working 40 hours or 60 hours, so I am just going to start moving forward and see where it takes me.  Work will continue to get more stressful as we head into transitioning next year.  It is scary but if God is for me, who can be against me??

Here is my favorite picture of Snickers.  I am sad today, but joy comes in the morning.  We will miss you Snickers buddy.  If there is a place for animals after they die, and I don't know if there really is, but if there is, I can hope that Scooter, Grace, Skeeter, and Krissie greeted you when you got there!

Showing Up

Why is it hard for people to just show up?

I have felt let down on numerous occasions.  It isn't fun.  People who I thought I meant something to, have let me down and it hurts.  I hate the feeling when somebody says they will do something and then they don't.  I have always been big on keeping promises, so sometimes it is hard for me to understand why other people don't feel the same way.

When we were planning our 20 year anniversary/vow renewal, I let some people know at least a year in advance.  Only 2 of those people, showed up, everybody else couldn't come.  My dad didn't come, but unfortunately, that wasn't a surprise to me.  My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, none of them came.  That actually hurt more than I imagined.  We have gone our separate ways, we are living separate lives and it doesn't seem to matter any longer if somebody is celebrating a momentous time in their life.  It seems family only makes an effort to get together at funerals...Why is that? Why wouldn't you want to spend time with your family while there is still breath in their lungs and not to watch them being buried?  I understand there are some circumstances....I know I missed a wedding because of some financial circumstances, but I never promised I would go, I waited until the last minute and then I told them I wouldn't be coming because there was no way I could get off work.  It wasn't intentional, the timing and finances just weren't right at that time.  Some of the excuses I got was laughable.....but you know what...there were people who showed up.  People who came and saw a wonderful 2nd wedding.  People who showed up and loved on us and for that I am grateful.

None of this hurt though compares to the hurt I feel when somebody doesn't "show up" for my kids.  We may not see eye to eye on everything, but my kids and JC mean the world to me.  So I think, even though they say it doesn't matter, it bothers me.  My heart is aching right now. Randall is moving to a new job with a different company, and one of the girls at his work offered to throw him a party at her house since he was leaving.  At least 6 people said they were going to come, and then didn't show up.  It was just Randall, the girl, and her sibling(s) and mom.  It was very nice of her to do that for him....something she didn't have to do, and people just didn't show up.  Randall acts like it doesn't matter, but I know how I feel when it happens to me, so I wonder if he is just compartmentalizing and/or holding it inside.  I just want people to show up.  He is a good kid.  He is hard-working.  He would give the shirt off of his back for anyone of those people who didn't come.  I don't know the girl, but the fact that she offered to throw the party in the first place, shows me she is a caring person.  How heartbreaking to her to open her home and buy food for people who aren't caring enough to even call to give an excuse...instead they just don't show up.

Come on people!  We have to do better than this.  We are only here on this earth for a brief moment out of eternity.  Love the people you are doing life with.  Love them with your whole heart....and for goodness sake - just show up!!!  Please.

Random Thoughts

I don't really have a lot to say today, but I want to try and make blogging a habit, so I thought why not just share some of the random thoughts that are crazily zipping through my head.  I definitely feel like the spaghetti brain that Mark Gungor talked about in the class JC and I took.

So I have a lot going on this spring/summer.  We are trying to get JC's parents moved down here so I am trying to coordinate a lot with that. 

• We have boxes and packing material to take up to VA when we go up next week
• We need to empty out their storage shed and try to get Billy lined up to go, if possible, to pick up the tools and trash cans
• We need to spend 2 days cleaning out, packing up, and throwing out what they aren't bringing
• We have the electricity set to be turned on on June 12th but we still need to pay the deposit.
• I have the paperwork lined up for the renters insurance which I will have them sign when we go up next week. 
• We need to get the rest of the deposit/first month's rent in by the 12th when we pick up the keys
• We need to purchase a washer and a dryer and have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to purchase a sofa, bed, and dining room table and tried to have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to pick up the keys on the 12th and then head up to VA for the week
• We need to call the movers to set up the move
• We need to figure out if they are going to get cable/internet/phone, or any of those, and order the service and hopefully have them set it up on the 12th or the following Saturday
• We need to get them down here and unpacked
• I am sure I am missing something but that is all I can remember at this point

On top of that, I have work (an the unknown about my job) and church and soccer (and being the team mom) and Jeremy is turning 14 and graduating middle school and graduation parties so I am trying to keep my calendar up to date as well.

• We are taking Jeremy to Sky High on Saturday, May 13th with a few friends to celebrate his 14th birthday. I still need to get a cake and it doesn't look like his birthday gifts are going to get here on time.  I need to arrange pick up and drop off for the few kids and also do some work before we leave on Saturday.
• Jeremy is playing soccer and I helped by being the team mom, which mostly consisted of collecting and bothering parents for money.  Money for snacks, money so we don't have to work in the concession stand, money for selling the Dominoes cards.  And now planning an end of the year pizza party for our team and the other team for the last night we play
• On June 20th, I am going to be going to Charlotte to hand out the 75 summer fun boxes to children and caregivers and on July 12th I need a team to help me register kids for GAKAC in August, and on June 10th I am driving one of the vans on the women's trip to the Creeper Trail and when we get back, we will be going to Grace's graduation party
• We have graduation parties on May 27th, June 3, June 4th, and June 10th so far
• I am trying to figure out a time to go visit Christy up in the mountains, but having to work around Brandy's and Craig's PTO time is making it quite difficult
• We need to sign a lease before the first of July, for the first time in several years, we will only be signing one year because my job is up in the air and I am not sure what the future holds after next March
• On June 9th, Jeremy has 8th grade awards and will officially be in high school
• Now that I have FINALLY found the prayer box print outs, I need to finish those and I need to get over to Ellen's with ribbon and cards to finish up the blankets so those can be delivered
• We are planning a yard sale so I need to start cleaning/going through everything in my house to get rid of stuff.  All proceeds will go to our mission house for the church, I just need to get off of my rear end and make it happen

So with all of that, I need to get to work now.  I have reports due, QA to complete, and calls to listen to.  I can only do all of this with God's help.  I truly believe these bible verses:

 Philippians 4: 10-20

10I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

14Yet it was kind of you to share^f my trouble. 15And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. 16Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. 17Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.^g 18I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. 19And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

Busyness/Laziness of my World

Time is passing and the pain is getting more bearable.  I miss her at odd times.  The problem is with me working from home, she was always with me.  If I was working and she wanted attention, she would sit on top of my papers, or behind my monitor trying to grab my pen, or on top of my chair, or on my lap.  I miss holding her like a baby and driving her crazy by grabbing her tail and making her bite it.  I miss going to lay in bed (to get warm since it feels like a freezer in here) and her coming to cuddle with me.  I miss going to the bathroom and her following me in (although Hemi still comes sometimes, when he wants something - HA).  I have done really good about crying, except for when JC brought me flowers home and right now as I write this.  The Lord has definitely granted me peace and for that I am grateful.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

So as usual, life get busy.  I tend to be saying I don't have time for this or for that, but in all honesty, I I feel busy and lazy at the same time.  I stay very busy and at the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing anything, especially anything that takes thinking.  I have so much I need/want to do when my work day is over, but I just can't seem to find the will to do it.  My mind goes in a hundred different directions all day long, so I think by COB it just shuts down.

OIAM was somewhat of a success.  I was a basket case and for the first time since they have trusted me to be a leader, I felt ill-prepared for the task this past Sunday.  But my team showed up.  They held me up when I would have given up.  They forgave my forgetfulness, and they just rolled with the punches.  They gave me grace, when I definitely didn't feel it.  God gave me peace that day too.  I was frantic looking for something I had misplaced and heading back to the church I found myself speeding.  I know He was there, I may not have seen or heard Him, but I know he gave me peace, that showed my weary soul that everything would be OK.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Operation In As Much (OIAM) is about helping our community.  Our church gets together for one day with the hopes that people continue to minister to that community the rest of the year.  Our "helping hands" group made 176 blessing bags for the Homeless, 237 welcome bags to hand out the Riverwalk community to invite them to GAKAC in August, decorated 75 bins for the Summer Fun baskets, made 25 prayer boxes, made 50 Salvation bracelets for children who's parents are incarcerated, tied 25 blankets for the pregnancy center, and made 25 Get Well Mugs that were delivered to Meals on Wheels yesterday so they can be delivered to their shut ins.  Even with my panic, forgetfulness, and an almost panic attack, it was good.

Matthew 25:35-36 "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me."

 The next couple of months will continue to get busier.  We are working on getting JC's parent's moved down here.  We will go up in a couple of weeks to start to help them pack/clean their current apartment and again in mid-June to finish the task and bring them down here.  We need to get them furniture, get the electric hooked up, get them renter's insurance, pay the down payment, and get them moved.  In the midst of all of that, we are also having a yard sale, have been invited to a couple of graduation parties, attending the end of year carnival for the children of incarcerated parents to hand out the Summer Fun boxes we made.  Jeremy is still playing soccer through the first week of June, he is turning 14 next week, and I need to clean my house and try to downsize some of the stuff I don't love or use.  Now if I can just get the energy to do this, everything will be OK :-)

Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

I was proud of myself for making it through Tuesday with no tears...then yesterday came and something small and inconsequential happened that made me burst in to tears thinking about Krissie.  I can't even tell you right now what happened...it was that small, but the pain of her not being here hit me hard.  I had a good 5-minute cry and then I had to move on.  Because I work from home, I am pretty much here at the house all of the time.  She was so much a part of my every day for the past 10 years. Every time I look at Hemi, I wonder what he is thinking, why his eyes look so sad, does he blame me because she is gone?  The pain is real, but there are so many other people suffering with far greater losses than me, and I just want to tell myself to put on my big girl pants and get over it.  I am trying.  Each day is getting better.  The hurt isn't quite as severe, the guilt isn't quite as strong, the loneliness of missing her is being helped by Hemi being by my side.  God is good and He is seeing me through this grief and I know I will come out of this a stronger a person.

I woke up this morning and looked for Bible verses about grief and some of these are spot on.

Proverbs 15:13-14 - a glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.  The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly.

Isaiah 41:10 - fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalms 119:50 This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Romans 8:18 - For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

And my favorite one:

Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

I love that you can find words in His word to help with anything that is happening in our lives.  His Word is truth and I will rest assure that even when my grief is for things of this earth, that He is holding me up and seeing me through, just like He has done for so many years....My Abba...My Father...My Friend. 

Life Goes On.....Sadly

It's crazy how writing a sentence differently can change the meaning.  When I thought about a title for this post...Life Goes On quickly popped up, but then I got that familiar pang in my chest that caused me to stop and think about that....Life does go on but look at how it sounds when you add sadly to the sentence

* Life Goes On, Sadly
* Sadly, Life Goes On

Both sentences explain how I am feeling.  Life is going on without her and I am sad....on top of being sad, it makes me sad that life is going on without her.  I think this is guilt.  I feel guilty not knowing if I could have done something to save her.  I think I made it through the day yesterday with no tears.  My heart broke several times, but I held it together...this IS progress.  Hemi it pitiful, he just keeps looking at me with those eyes of him and all I can say is "I miss her too buddy".  Work is keeping me busy..so life is getting back to normal.  As normal as can be while missing a small piece of my heart.

So I wanted to try to catch up on what has happened in the past 4 years.

We still rent a house in Moss Creek.  James & Randall graduated in 2015 and have been attending RCCC for the past 2 years.  They are about to finish their associates degree and transfer to UNCC or UNCW to finish their education.  At this point, they are debt free and I am so proud of them for that.  Randall has already been accepted and plans to attend UNCC.  James is waiting for Cox Mill HS to send the CORRECT transcripts (they sent Randall's apparently) to both schools.  I am hoping he decides to stay at UNCC so he doesn't have to pay for campus living....but ultimately that will be his choice.  They are adults now.  They are still living at home, which helps alleviate some of the financial costs.  Randall is going on 2 years of working at Zaxbys.  In the first year, he was made Full Time and a Crew Leader and may start Management training over the summer.  James is going on a year and a half with Harris Teeter.  He started as a cashier and within that first year got a raise/promotion to a CSC.  They both bought and are paying for their own car, insurance, and cell phones.  I am so proud of them and I am grateful that they didn't go away to college as they had originally hoped.  These past 2 years have done so much to help them mature, to get their license, practice driving, get a job...and keep it, and go to school full time.  I can't help pay for their schooling, but I can help by giving them a roof over their head and food in their bellies (their big bellies)....they are both about 6'3" and 300 pounds :-).  They seem to have stepped away from God.  They no longer spend hours in their room reading books and the Bible like they did in High School, but I am praying that they see (soon) that living for the world will doing nothing for their eternity.  They are good (great) kids, but being good won't get them into Heaven.  I know that they know Jesus Christ as their Savior, but the world has been trying hard to pull them away.

Jeremy is about to turn 14 in a few weeks. How in the world does that happen?  He was homeschooled for a couple of years in 6th and 7th grade and is now attending Harris Road Middle School for his 8th grade year.  Next year he will head to Cox Mill High School. He is still our baby.  He is at that age where he wants to be treated like an "adult" but he still loves to play outside and with his toys (occasionally).  I want him to keep innocence for as long as possible.  Kids today are growing up way to fast.  He is going to his first dance on Friday.  He plays soccer usually both in the Fall and Spring.  Soon he will age out and I don't know that he will make the soccer team for the school, but as they say...life will go on...and he is already talking about getting a job. He loves people, kids, elderly, even those with mental disabilities.  He exudes what the Bible says about loving your neighbor.

We added a couple of animals to our family.  Jessie and Abbie are our two dogs that we already had.  Three years ago, we added 2 guinea pigs - Shadow and Snickers.  They are only expected to live about 3 years, so I have been preparing myself for their deaths, as sad as that sounds.  Jeremy also got  a fish almost 2 years ago.

JC and I renewed our vows last month, which is a whole other post that I will write, maybe tomorrow.  It was definitely worth remembering. We have been married 20 years and I love that man with all my heart and soul.  God did a wonderful thing when he brought us together. We have fought hard for our marriage.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been totally worth it.

I am still working for Neustar....for now.  We lost the contract a few years ago and are just waiting to see when/if the new company takes over....but I am not worried.  God has always provided for us.  He will make a way.

I finished my Bachelors in 2010 and finished my Masters in 2015 and now I am trying to pay off those debts.  It is a heavy burden but I am going to do my best to get that albatross off of me ASAP. My hope is that if I have to find a new job next year, the Masters will help me do that.  I am also trying to take some Lynda.com training classes as time permits, courtesy of Neustar.  I think anything that I can add to my resume, will be useful.

Like I said at the beginning.....Life is going on.  And I am still sad, but breathing is getting easier each day.  Until the next time.

My Forever Pet

Playing the "What If" Game

So I won't even mention how long it has been.  4 years seems to have passed so quickly, yet the lasts posts seem to have been so very long ago.  I haven't thought about this blog in many years.  I realized this weekend that I needed a place to write down my thoughts.  I needed to find a way to get these thoughts out of my head.  I was trying to keep busy so my mind would stop thinking so I was reading my Kindle in the car and read a book about a woman and her blog. And I here I am today.

On Wednesday night, I got off work at 4pm and we headed to VA to pick up JC's parents.  We spent the night in Leesburg and picked them up early Thursday morning to bring them back down here to NC to look at apartments.  On the ride home, James sent me a text and said he thought I needed to take Krissie to the vet when I got home because she was having trouble walking and when she did, she would cry.  I thought maybe she had jumped and hurt her leg or her back....but oh if that was the only problem.  I checked on her by text throughout the day when the boys were home and she wasn't getting any better.  When Randall got home from work he said she was laying by the garage door and had peed, which was completely unlike her.  We were still about 40 miles out at that point.  We dropped his parents off at the hotel and came home, by that time it was around 7pm and most of the regular vets were already closed.  She was laying in Randall's lap and looked so pitiful when we got there.  I picked her up and she meowed but it was soft.  JC said she was dying just by looking in her eyes.

We took her to Kannapolis to the Emergency Vet and they immediately took her to the back.  When they finally came back out the vet told me that her temperature was 92 which was very low and most cats don't make it back from that.  She was severely dehydrated.  She was dying.  For some unknown reason, I still believed she would make it through this.  She was the best cat, she was never sick (or so I thought), she never asked for much, she was always there for me.  When I was sick, she laid with me.  When I was sad, she comforted me.  When JC and I raised our voices, she stepped in between us.  She was a comforter...a true mama cat.  We had blood work done and it didn't look good, but they put her in an incubator to try to raise her temperature and started giving her fluids.  We left to go get dinner with the promise that they would call around midnight to give an update on if her temperature was going up.  Unfortunately a little after 10, they called to say she was dying.  We tried to get there, but she died just 2 or 3 minutes after he called.  Her heart gave out and mine is now broken.  Jeremy and Randall were with us and they cried more than I have ever seen them cry.  James cried when he got home from work and heard the news.  JC cried.  My big strong boys/men were all tore up by her loss.  We have had her since 2007 and I never thought she would be the one that would go first.  She had lost 50% of her body weight (from 8 pounds down to 4).  How did I not know?  She seemed perfectly normal just a day or two before.  A friend told me that cats are good at hiding illness until it was too late.....this time it was too late.

JC told me last night I need to stop blaming myself, but I don't know how.

What if I had taken her to the vet every year for a check up?
What if I had asked them to weigh her back in February when she got her shots?
What if I hadn't changed the food back in February because of Hemi's food allergy?
What if I had noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking correctly?
What if I had noticed she was trying to get warm more?
What if I hadn't used the cleaners in the toilet that I know she drank out of?
What if JC hadn't used the bleach on the shower?
What if I had stayed home and let JC go to get his parents by himself, like the original plan?
What if I had been home and had gotten her to the vet earlier that day?
What if every time I called her my skinny girl, I realized she was skinnier and had her checked?
What if I noticed that she was hiding in places she normally didn't (under the bed, in the cat stand) and actually did something about it?
What if I didn't spend 3 weeks traveling in January for my job, a week with JC in March for our long overdue honeymoon, a weekend trip to VA to pick up his parents?
What if I was here with her instead????
What if I had just stayed and held her instead of leaving her in the incubator?

She wasn't in pain when she died, but I think about her sitting here all day, slowing dying.  Trying to get warm and not being able to.  Waiting for for me to get home by the garage door, the last place I had went out.  Wondering where I was and why I wasn't here comforting her like she did for us so many times.

My heart is hurting so bad.  I miss her.  I will miss her when I go to the bathroom and she doesn't come in and reach her paw up to be picked up.  When I scoop the litter pans. When I look in Hemi's eyes and see the questions. When I went to Petsmart. When I sit at my desk without her.  When we are watching TV and she isn't in my lap or on the floor fighting with Hemi. When I lay in bed or cuddle with JC and she is no longer there trying to get in between us. When I was at the vet with Hemi and the little girl cat meowed just like Krissie. Every time I enter my password for the next 100 or so days until this one expires. I will miss picking her up and holding her like a baby in my arms while aggravating her by putting her tail in between her legs and moving it until she would bite it. I will miss her sitting on the back of my chair or on my laptop, or behind my monitor and reaching her paw under it to grab my pen, or when she would sit on my papers or my keyboard to get my attention. I will miss her every time I look at the pillow and blanket next to my bed where she used to curl up. I will miss her every time I clean the guinea pig cage out and she isn't there to give "her kittens" their bath. I will miss her every time I feel Hemi sitting at my feet, where she used to sit. I will miss her aggravating the dogs, jumping and running and playing, fighting with Hemi.

I feel like I killed her.  We don't know what happened.  She may have been sick for awhile and just not known.  She may have gotten sick from a cleaner and her body shut down fast. She may have waited until I was gone so I wouldn't see her suffering.  We will never know what caused it. I will forever wonder and even though I know it was her time, I will always wonder if I could have prevented it. She was a good cat and she was a part of our family for so long.  We will all miss her.

Psalm 23 for the Workplace

It's appraisal time again at my company.  To say I bummed is an understatement.  I know they go off of a bell curve, I have been burned by that the last 2 years, but somehow I truly thought this year would be different.  I am perturbed that I had 7 years of all 1s (which is the best you can get), then in the 8th year I got a 2, in the 9th year, I got a 3, and now after 10 years, I got another 3. To their eyes, because of the bell curve, a 3 is great - to me, my heart is wounded, my soul is hurting, my body is tired.  I have worked even harder then ever these past 3 years, and I have nothing to show for it.  The money comes and goes.  The stress is slowing killing me, I am sure.  The time I spend at this desk instead of with my family is ludicrous....and in their eyes, I am average.  So I say, why bother???  Lord help me to have peace with this.  You gave me peace last night about the church situation, please help me again......I love this message below so much, I posted it on Facebook!

 

Lord, I need to remember this today. I need to have peace about my job just like I need the peace you gave me last night when I asked......

Psalm 23 for the Workplace

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
...
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.

He reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining

He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.

He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in all I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of e-mail, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning,

I will not stop, for He is with me!

His presence, His peace and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.

He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than a bonus check.

His retirement plan beats every 401K there is!

When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer;

And for that, I will bless His name

January is Almost a Thing of the Past

Well...the last time I wrote was Thanksgiving.  I was really hoping that I could concentrate better, blog better, read my bible better, and be a better person physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but January is almost over and I have all ready slowed down on all of it.  January is about to become a thing of the past....the world just keeps spinning faster and faster.

Work just about does me in each day and I find myself not having the energy or emotional fortitude to do just one more thing like clean my office or organize pictures, or even pick up a book or the bible to read.  There has to be something better/more than this.

Today, I find myself with a heavy heart...burdened by anger and doubt.  Wondering why I fight so hard to stay here when the people I have grown to love as a part of my church "family" seem to hurt me one by one.  I still absolutely think I have the best church in the world, but we are all sinners and I think I have worn blinders because I wanted so much to be a part of a family like I have never been before.  I wanted to belong.  I wanted to serve and love others with these people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ....but I find myself being let down more and more as each year passes.  Is it Satan who is trying to wound me, tear me down and tear me apart?  Is it he who makes me feel unworthy and unloved?  Is he making families fall apart in the church and tearing down "the church" one by one? I don't understand why people who tell you to be careful of those in sheep clothes, when they themselves are the very sheep they warn you about?  Why do they gossip and spread hatred and lies?  Why do people believe it without first going to the person to find out what is going on?  Why do people insist on playing the drama out on the Internet?  Why are we, God's children, allowing Satan to tear us apart?  Is it me?  Am I expecting too much from people?

Lord, if we ever needed you, Lord it's now! Thank you for blessing me with so much more than I ever deserved.  Thank you for giving me a wonderful family.  A great church family.  A job that pays the bills.  Could things be better?  Sure, but I know I am learning something from each of the trials I go through?  Lord, I need your help to stay focused on you and not me.  You have to become greater than me.  I need to be less than you.  I need to focus on the prize...Lord, please help me overcome this latest anger and hurt against one of my "sisters" in Christ.  I pray that you open her heart and especially open mine, because I am trying to take the higher road, and Lord it is so hard.  I need you more now than I could ever express.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord.  Amen.

Thanksgiving 2012

Every time I say I am going to do better about posting, months past and I realize I still haven't followed through with that. 

This month, on Facebook, I have posted each day about something I am thankful for, this is because God has given us so much, so much that we don't deserve, that we should give thanks for it every day and not just on Thanksgiving.

I thought I would share what I am thankful for on here, since this is something I can come back and look at each year (easily).

• I am thankful for the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven, the Holy Spirit inside of me, and the grace of Jesus Christ, my Saviour.
• I am thankful for my husband, who has spent the last 18 years with me and who still loves me.  Who has spent 15 years of marriage, loving me, making me laugh, and being a pretty good dad. A man who has grown in his faith in Jesus Christ, and calls me his Angel.
• I am thankful for 3 healthy kids.  Kids who trust in the Lord Jesus, who have great hearts (for the most part), and who long to learn more about the Word of God.  I am thankful that they don't go out looking for trouble.  I am thankful that they are smart, somewhat well behaved, and most importantly healthy (when so many other children are suffering each day to live).
• I am thankful for my extended family, my mom and dad, my sisters, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, grandparents, in-laws, and nieces and nephews.  They have helped to make me who I am and I am lucky to be a part of a big family.
• I am thankful for a house (even if it is a rental for now), heat and air, food and water, food, and clothes on my back.
• I am thankful for cats and dogs, when they aren't making a mess, they truly do a heart good.
• I am thankful for friends, past and present, the ones who have helped me to get where I am today and the ones I still turn to in my times of need.
• I am thankful for a church family like I have never known.  A group of pastors that teach straight from the Bible, a group of women who teach me how to be a good Christian women, wife, and mom.  Women who I can talk to and who encourage me and in some instances who I can encourage.  I am thankful for godly men who can help JC and my boys to become godly Men.
• I am thankful to the soldiers, men and women who risk their lives and leave their families to fight for our freedom.  Soldiers who sometimes lose their lives and don't make it back, or who make it back but lose themself.  And families of these soldiers who let them go and who have to bury their fathers, sons, and brothers if they don't make it back.
• I am thankful for the sun, moon, and stars; the trees and the grass; the mountains and the beaches; the rain and the snow, the flowers and the roads we drive on.  God gave us all of these for our benefit, and I think we are very ungrateful.
• I am thankful that through my belief in the Lord Jesus Christ, I will spend eternity in Heaven and not in Hell.  I am thankful that one day I will sit at the feet of Jesus and praise his holy name.  I am thankful that one day I will be present with the Lord.  I am thankful that many people I know, will be there too, but I am scared for many who won't...I can't say who will or won't be there, but I can say if you don't believe in Jesus Christ, you won't.  Jesus said the only way to the Father was through him - John 14:6: “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”

Lord, I thank you for the abundant life you have given to me.  Thank you for my family and friends, thank you for the necessities you have provided me, thank you for the beauty on this earth, thank you for the soldiers who protect us, but most importantly, Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins and for the sins of all people.  Lord, please help me to get in your Word more and please help me get a better understanding and help me to lose the fear so I can go out into all the world and show the love of Jesus Christ.  Lord help me to show this love, but if necessary, and if it is your will, help me to tell it as well.  In your name, Amen.

Until next time.....

What do you say???

I am at a loss for words....tonight I have prayed for 3 people who have cancer.  One is a child. Although there are many children fighting cancer every day, this is a child I know personally.  One is a man I have never met, but I know his daughter and her family, and I know that he is a great man because of how they are.  He has been given 6-8 weeks to live.  One is a young woman who is a year younger than me.  I don't know her, I don't think I have ever met her, but I did apparently go to school with her.  Hospice has been called after 5 years of fighting cancer, she won't survive this time, and it breaks my heart.

I don't know what to say.  Saying sorry doesn't seem to cover enough.  I don't know what to do.  Offering help doesn't seem to be the answer when there are so many people offering.  i don't know what to pray.  Do I pray for a miracle?  Do I pray for complete healing here on earth so we don't lose our loved one and they are healthy?  Was I wrong for praying that this young woman's family have peace that surpasses understanding as they say good bye to their wife, sister, cousin, mother, and friend?  How is it possible to watch her suffer and know that the outcome is that she will no longer be here on earth with her family?  How is that her last blog entry at the beginning of this year said it was going to be a great year, only to find out that before the end of the year was over, she would be gone?  How can I be thinking that at least she will be out of pain and will be in Heaven, when I don't even know her?  Could I be that brave it was me?

I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say.

I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to make things better.  I don't know how to bring a smile instead of seeing their tears.  Why do I even feel like I need to do this?  Why do I even feel like I am in control enough to control that?  Only God is in control.  Only God can do any of this...even giving a family peace in their time of turmoil.  I don't know if this earth will ever be easier, but I can rest assured that it will be beyond words when I get to Heaven...words won't be able to express how it is, or what we feel.  We own't know until we get there many things here on earth that we don't understand.  We may not even WANT to know those things any longer.  Who would ask questions about this place while standing in that place?

JC is back in one of his black moods today...and I don't know how to fix that either. I am scared one day.......well I won't voice what I fear he will do, I just don't know how to make it better.  Although he says it isn't me, I can't help feeling that I have failed.  He says he has failed himself, not me....all I can do is encourage him and pray for him and continue to love him unconditionally....I don't think he is used to that and he is always trying to push me away....I don't think he knows how deep my love runs for him.  i don't think he realizes how much the boys love him and how they would be devastated if he weren't here.

So alot is going on in my mind....there is a missing woman from right down the street.  She is still missing.  I read an article today that said she may be ok and staying in VA.  I don't know if that is true or not, but the family and friends still have this hope.  I have to commend them for not stopping.  They continue to put her in the media...they love her so much, and I pray that what happened or whatever is going on, that she will come home soon to her family that loves and misses her so much.

James and Randall have officially finished the behind the wheel part of driver's ed.  They have been added as a permitted driver on our insurance...next step DMV.  We have dentist appointments this week and then next week, my mom and I are going to a woman's retreat in the mountains.  I am truly looking forward to 2 days of relaxation.

In Christ,
Bobbie

Where Does the Time Go??

Well, it is hard to believe that it is now almost the end of September.  I was determined this year to stay focused and journal often, but seeing that it has been 3 months, it is obvious I have failed again.  Life gets so busy....or is that just an excuse??

Alot has happened since the last I wrote.  JC's brother went back home against our wishes...but he is an adult and we had to let him go.  He promised it would be different, he promised JC he would stay in touch, but that wasn't true, and probably was never going to be true...but life is too short, so I have let it go.

I believe we figured out the "discombulated" feeling I was having....medically anyway.  I was tested for Thyroid issues and was found to have an issue.  I also was tested for Sleep Apnea again, and surprise surprise, I have it.  So between the CPAP machine and the new medicine, I am starting to feel better.  My head (mind) seems much clearer,and I am not in pain nearly as much.  I have also changed to Allegra for my allergies and it seems to really be doing the job.  Now if only I could gather up my energy and get back to walking.....

James and Randall are now in 10th grade.  I am still having a hard tie wrapping my head around that fact.  I am too young to have highschoolers....it just can't be.  Time is passing by way to fast.  They just finished the Behind the Wheel portion of Driver's Ed and should be getting their permits within the next week.  They over over 6 feet tall at 15.  They are great boys (for the most part)....they are teenagers after all and unfortunately, they haven't gotten the memo that JC and I have been their age before.  They think they know everything and we know nothing.  I told Randall just tonight that I hope he has a teenager just like him!!  That will teach him.  I worry about them because even though they are good students, they aren't great.  They are lazy.  They don't try...or even want to try.  I worry about their future.  I worry that we haven't taught them what it means to be a an.  I worry that they will not be ready to enter this world....but worry is not necessary because God knows what is going to happen, so my worry is not going to change anything.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  They will do God's will in their life.....I want to have a better prayer life so that they are always being lifted up.

Jeremy is playing Football this year.  He is small and timid and fears the tackling and blocking part of the game....it is scary for me because I am starting to like the game.  I love watching him play, even if I don't understand what is happening. I am not sure that he will play Football again, but I have truly started to enjoy his being out on that field.  He is in 4th grade this year.  WOW.  He will be 10 in 7 months, it doesn't seem fair.  He is my baby, he will always be my baby.....but my baby isn't a baby anymore...he is growing up.  Getting his own personality.  He is a lover, he is a cuddler, he is a child of God....he is mine only temporarily.  God has given me three of the biggest blessings in my life and I fear that I am letting him down.  I worry about our parenting....I worry that I am not a good enough mom or a good enough wife.  I fear that I haven't taught them what I need to help them grow.  I am pretty sure nobody has ever said that life with kids was a cake walk, and if they have, I sure wish I had just a little slice of that cake for a little bit.  Jeremy loves to play, hates to sit still and do homework, does not always listen to instructions, but he can melt your heart with just a look of his eye or a pout of his lip.

The dogs have turned 1.  The cats are probably 4 I would think, kind of lost track.  JC is well....he is JC.  He struggles with insecurity and self esteem, but handles it very differently than I do.  I tend to hide in my insecurities.....he seems to boast in his.  He can be a wonderful father and husband (when he wants to be), but the world has kicked him down so many times, the times he wants to be seems to be fewer in between.  I won't say he isn't trying, but until last week, depression had a hand on him severely.  I know the devil is doing this, he is in a spiritual warfare with many people in our church, including JC, and I believe that is because the devil is scared because he knows what we are capable of doing.  JC has become the love of my life, he is my best friend, and I worry about him so much.  I hate to see him so frustrated with life.  I want to give him and the boys anything they want, but financially I am not equipped to do that.  I struggle between wanting to give them more and wanting to give to others more.  I know I should be giving to the poor, the widows, and the orphans.  I want to do it more, I want it to be the first thing I give and not an afterthought.  I want to be more like Jesus in everything I do, from responding to anger to giving more with my heart.  I want to be in the Word more every day.  I NEED to be in the Word more. I want JC to be back to his old self....the one where he wasn't so bitter and beat down....where trials and strife didn't send him into a despair so deep that sometimes I don't think he will come out of it.  I want him to love to live and not just want to live for the boys' sake.  I want him to grasp the grace given by God and fully accept that he has been ransomed at a huge price - the blood of Jesus Christ...and I want him to cry out to be saved and to stop crying out to be put out of his misery.  My heart aches for him Lord, please keep his mind on you!!

I have completed my first class on my Master's Degree.  It was probably the hardest class I have ever taken in my life, and thankfully (and BARELY) I got an A on it.  I don't think I have ever been so relieved to be done with a class before.  If I could write a letter to my 16 year old self...it would probably go something like this:
"Bobbie, you don't know me at all.  I am you 20 years from now....I know you won't know me, because I don't know you.  You are loved by a Father in Heaven who is always there for you even in your darkest days.  You don't need the love and acceptance of a boy just because your dad is gone.  You don't need to give everything sacred away because you want to feel loved.  You are ALL READY loved.  You will have an amazing life, you will be a wife and a mother.  You will work hard and you will struggle.  You will cry and you will laugh.  You will be OK.  Please spend more time on your studies.  Apply to more than just 1 college.  Play softball knowing that you won't ever play again and will miss it with every being in your body.  Get a scholarship and go to college the right way.  You can change you." 
......And maybe it wouldn't say that, because all of those wrong choices led me to where I am today....laughing and crying, being OK, struggling and working hard to provide a life my kids and my husband.  I wouldn't change anything because I have them and the struggles and pain that it took to get here, is worth it the end.

I am not sure where this is coming from...it's been a rough year.  So many people, young old, men and women, children and babies are dying all over the place.....Cancer is sucking the life out of them at this very minute.  Young women dying from breast and/or lung cancer, leaving behind young children and friends and family who are lost and hurting.  Young children fighting the good fight only to lose their life in the end....young parents trying to find the peace that surpasses understanding at having to bury their babies.  Fighting through treatments of chemo and radiation and celebrating the victory of beating it only to have it return again.  And if these health issues aren't enough, we have a world that is falling apart, countries are fighting each other, people are fighting people in the streets of the United States, children are being abused and orphaned all across the globe.  It is a scary time to be alive.  The election is coming and neither one of the candidates seem to be able to save this country...but the Bible says that we won't be saved....at least by the world's standards...for those of us that believe in Jesus Christ, we will meet him in the skies....but the rest of the world, will not.  That is scary! 

I feel like I am in some sort of holding pattern.  Knowing I need to do more for the Kingdom of God and not knowing what or how to go about this.  Lord, this is my prayer to you tonight.  Please help me find peace in the midst of this tribulation.  Help me stand strong in my beliefs, help me to be more in your Word so that I can answer questions and be the person you want me to be.  Help me to help others with no questions.  Let me be more like you and less like me.  Please keep my children safe in this dangerous world.  Let their minds and their hearts be cleared and open to hear your Word always.  Help JC to see that you love him so much and that the boys and I love him more than he will ever know.  Keep me healthy, help me get fit in my mind and body so that I can boldly proclaim the name of Jesus.  In your name I pray....Amen.

And with that, I will say good night.  I am going to try to get some sleep so I can get up for another long day at work tomorrow.

In Christ,
Bobbie

Discombobulated

I don't even know if I spelled the title right, and as with most things lately, I don't really care.  That is why I decided to sit down and make time to write.  It has been a month and 9 days since I last wrote.  Things have changed drastically since then. 

The school year has ended, we have vacationed in VA and in Elizabeth City, Rick has gone back home to be with his family (against our wishes), and I have been diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism....I googled it and it made me a little nervous...but honestly, reading the symptoms made me feel better about how I have been feeling lately.  I was kind of worried it might be something worse, because I am so "discombobulated" lately that life seems very hard right now.  I am trying to stay upbeat, but I am worried and I am praying that they are able to see me soon and that I won't have to do radiation or surgery, but that whatever this is, can be controlled with pills.

Back in March, when I missed my period, I thought it was because I had missed a few doses of my Metformin, which I used because I have PCOS and it helps regulate my periods....who knew this was a sign of an issue with my thyroid?  I am forgetful, lethargic, unable to complete tasks, unable/unwilling to even clean my house at times.  I have been saying "I think I am going through menopause" because at times, I feel like I am burning up from the inside out.  I am often sad or just in a lot of pain so I don't feel like moving half the time.  Hair loss, frequent BMs, itching, sweating at times, and shaking hands....the list continues...but mainly, I am tired all the time and I had a dizzy spell, which caused me to go to the doctor, which caused him to order the blood tests and send me for a sleep test, which I just completed last night. I don't know yet what they are going to do for me, but I am glad I can rest assured that I am not depressed or going crazy, but that there is truly something wrong with me and maybe, just maybe they can help me control this thing.  I hate the idea of being on medicines the rest of my life, but I won't be here forever...one day I will be in Heaven and there will be no more sorrow, no more pain, no more tears, and no more heartache...what a glorious day that will be!

I have decided to go back to get my Master's Degree, which will take me 3 years.  I hope by that time, I will be able to afford to start paying off my school loans.  The twins are currently taking Drivers Ed through the school...how is it possible that I am old enough for that?  My dad called me last week to tell me that they thought he was having a stroke last Monday, but he didn't (thank goodness), but he did have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Type 2 diabetes, something wrong with his liver, and a cyst on his brain.  The doctor is most concerned about his diabetes right now, but he will also have a MRI on his brain.  My mom ruptured her hernia again and will have to have surgery in the next weeks to repair it again.  My sister, Kim had to have a spot removed from her head, which was worse than they had anticipated and is now awaiting results from the pathologist.  I am trying to remain calm.  I know the Lord is with me through all of this and I am praying that He is with all of us.  It is hard when you aren't sure if a loved one knows about His saving grace.

Our Give a Kid a Chance program is happening in a few weeks...so far we have 294 children signed up, our goal is 400, so we are almost there.  I love this program and I am so honored to be a part of it.

I guess that is good enough for now.  I am going to head to bed and hopefully not feel so bad tomorrow.  Mornings are the best for me, but by 3pm or so, I start feeling like a truck has hit me.

There is Peace in the Power of Prayer

These past two weeks have been a mixtre of stress, turmoil, pain, anger, and depression.  Most of those fit Rick, bt the stress cased by the drama has really played a toll on my well being.

Today, as I wait for JC to call me after Rick's hearing for the protective order, my hands were shaking....JC reminded me to take a deep breath and pray that God's will be done.  I tried but my nerves were shot, so I relied on the one prayer I remember from back in my private school/Grace Lutheran days....

Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as in Heaven, Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trepasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever, and ever. Amen.

It helped...and I am so glad I had that memorized in my heart.  It came in handy when I truly needed it.  Lord I pray that your will be done today in that court room.  No matter the outcome, no matter what happens going forward, please let me have peace in your love, show love to others, and continue to aim to be more like Christ every day.

The Belly of the Devil

On Saturday night, we left at 6pm tO head down to Alabama to pick up JC's brother, Rick.  I think my husband explained how we were all feeling as we left, on his Facebook status asking for prayers - this is his post:

My FB family & friends please pray for me bcuz I'm on my way 2 Alabama 2 save my brother from the belly of the Devil. I'm bringing Jesus w/ me so how can I lose in defeating him. #RejoiceInChrist!!!!!

Little did we know before we would make it down there, he would be shot by his father-in-law.  The drive was long and I was worried about JC.  I thought for sure he was going to have a heart attack when the call came.  It was like the life was sucked out of him as he sat there.  His breathing became harsh, at times he was sweating, and he was becoming more and more nauseous with each mile I drove.  He was sick when he had to call his father to tell him, worrying about his father's failing heart, but knowing he needed to let his family know.

Information is sketchy, alot happened that day that we may never fully know, but we stand firm in believing that Rick needs to just get away from the entire situation. 

When we got to the hospital, we waited about an hour and the surgeon came to tell us he had made it through a pretty major surgery.  He had to have a piece of his bowel removed and then they stiched the two pieces back together.  He was in terrible pain, but he was coherent.  He knew who he was and what had happened.  His throat was hurting a lot because of being incubated and also because he had a tube up his nose all the way down into his stomach.  It was not a sight he wished for his daughters to see, especially after they witnessed him being shot.  Angela didn't feel the same way and was very angry with me and JC because we wouldn't give her his room number.  All we did was follow his request through and JC did what ever he could to keep them away from him because of their hatred towards him and because Rick was not physically able or willing to see them.  We asked her to understand that he needed time to heal and that he would call....she yelled and screamed, told her daughter that he hated her and that is why he wouldn't call.  She sent me text after text after text telling me I was wrong and I should just let her kids talk to their dad.  Never mind the fact, that the oldest one had sent me a text just 2 short hours before he was shot, saying she hoped he died.  She turns it around to say that she is only a child...but let me tell you, that little girl has a mouth on her that you wouldn't believe.  I am appalled by the language she uses, I am appalled by her attitude, and I am appalled that her mother allows the behavior to continue.  There is a Facebook message that she wrote saying she was going to walk to Birmingham, presumably to pay me "a little visit"....that made me laugh, since I wasn't even in the state of Alabama at that point.  We tried everything we could to be civil, and yet tonight when Rick was ready to call and talk to them, she decides it is too late and told me she has a protective order against him and he couldn't call, text, or talk to his children.  Yet, just this afternoon, she was demanding that he be allowed to talk to them.  This woman and her entire family, need some serious mental help.  I want to be angry, but I am more confused and saddened by this. 

I will say up front, as a child of divorce, I will NEVER advocate divorce unless of course there is a history of abuse or adultery.  I have begged Angela to make him leave for 5+ years.  She has talked about his verbal and emotional abuse for much longer than that.  I believed everything she said about him....I wanted her to stand up for herself, be a strong woman and defend herself and her kids...but she always said she couldn't do that to the girls and she couldn't take care of them because she can't or didn't want to work because she didn't want her parents to raise them the way they raised her son.  It wasn't until he lost his job in the past month, that things began to get worse.  She says it has nothing to do with his job, so I guess it is just coincidental timing.  Both of these girls have issues that would take a lifetime of therapy to correct.  They have anger, hatred, and bitterness.  I am NOT saying they didn't get any of that from their father....I know he has not been a stand up guy in their lives, but Angela constantly pulls them into the middle of the arguments and has made them grow up way to early.  She has allowed her daughter to move in a 17-year old "friend" who supposedly was her girlfriend...but even though she allowed them to sleep in the same bed in a room with the door shut, nothing happened.  The child is 12 years old.  She is too young and she is making decisions about that not only affect her life here on earth but her eternity as well.

My mind is a mess right now, my thoughts are jumbled, and I don't feel like I am capable of holding down the fort while JC is gone.  He is my rock.  I have put him in the capable hands of God and I am praying he makes it home with his brother and no more incidences.  I want to be there, I want him to be here.  I want this all to be a bad dream.  I want to believe God had a plan for all of this.  I want to believe that God is going to bring good from this entire situation.  I do believe this in my heart....now if only my brain would catch up....I wouldn't be sitting here at 11pm trying to make sense of it all.  JC and Rick are still very much in the belly of the Devil...and I am praying that the Lord will pick them up and keep them out of harms way until JC can make it home where he belongs.