Well...the last time I wrote was Thanksgiving. I was really hoping that I could concentrate better, blog better, read my bible better, and be a better person physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but January is almost over and I have all ready slowed down on all of it. January is about to become a thing of the past....the world just keeps spinning faster and faster.
Work just about does me in each day and I find myself not having the energy or emotional fortitude to do just one more thing like clean my office or organize pictures, or even pick up a book or the bible to read. There has to be something better/more than this.
Today, I find myself with a heavy heart...burdened by anger and doubt. Wondering why I fight so hard to stay here when the people I have grown to love as a part of my church "family" seem to hurt me one by one. I still absolutely think I have the best church in the world, but we are all sinners and I think I have worn blinders because I wanted so much to be a part of a family like I have never been before. I wanted to belong. I wanted to serve and love others with these people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ....but I find myself being let down more and more as each year passes. Is it Satan who is trying to wound me, tear me down and tear me apart? Is it he who makes me feel unworthy and unloved? Is he making families fall apart in the church and tearing down "the church" one by one? I don't understand why people who tell you to be careful of those in sheep clothes, when they themselves are the very sheep they warn you about? Why do they gossip and spread hatred and lies? Why do people believe it without first going to the person to find out what is going on? Why do people insist on playing the drama out on the Internet? Why are we, God's children, allowing Satan to tear us apart? Is it me? Am I expecting too much from people?
Lord, if we ever needed you, Lord it's now! Thank you for blessing me with so much more than I ever deserved. Thank you for giving me a wonderful family. A great church family. A job that pays the bills. Could things be better? Sure, but I know I am learning something from each of the trials I go through? Lord, I need your help to stay focused on you and not me. You have to become greater than me. I need to be less than you. I need to focus on the prize...Lord, please help me overcome this latest anger and hurt against one of my "sisters" in Christ. I pray that you open her heart and especially open mine, because I am trying to take the higher road, and Lord it is so hard. I need you more now than I could ever express. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. Amen.
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