Not so Great at Change

Well, here it is the beginning of May, and lo and behold, this is my first post of 2019.

So much has happened this year, it is hard to believe and even harder to believe that 5 months have passed.  I make TO DO lists, including blogging, but I never do it.  I am forcing myself to do it tonight.  I have been in a fog or a funk, and honestly, I think it truly started back in October when Hemi died.  It is crazy that a cat affected my life so much.  The last post I made, I mentioned that I didn't cry as much as I did with Krissie and that concerned me, but I just kept going through the motions.  Everything will be fine one minute and then the next, I remember and my heart breaks all over again.  Just yesterday, in the car, I heard a sound, as gross as it sounds, it reminded me of Hemi throwing up, and then I saw, in my head, a slow motion video of him being put to sleep.  I was coming back from lunch, so I quickly pulled myself together and finished out my day.   I miss him something fierce.  He truly was like a best friend. He loved me unconditionally like nothing ever has before.  I hope one day soon to be able to accept the fact that he is truly gone and maybe I will even remove the reminder about giving him his medicine. It helps to remember this verse....I have to believe that God loves animals as much as he loves people. I know the tears I shed for Hemi don't go unnoticed by God and that one day He, Himself, will wipe away the tears from my eyes. Oh what a glorious day!

Revelation 21:4

and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

So with that being said, let me explain about the rest of the year.  In January, I applied for a Contracts position in the same group that I was previously working in as a temporary contractor, and I was offered the position.  I have been working as a full time employee with Retail Business Services since February 4, 2019.  Shortly before I started, I put in my notice at Michael's as well.  They were asking me to do something I didn't believe in, so I made the choice not to stay.  This has been good and bad at times.  Good because I have more time with my family, but bad because financially, it was helping.  We are just getting by and I am learning how to Rob Peter to pay Paul for now. I hope that things are looking up now with a few changes that are coming up.

During my interview, I was asked how I felt I dealt with change (at least I think it was during the interview, somethings just roll together in my brain...lol).  I answered honestly and said I am better than I used to be....I thought that was an honest answer, but I have since come to realize that I am not doing such a great job dealing with personal change.  I have taken the changes in my position in stride and I think I am handling that pretty well, but the rest of my life, seems to be one change after another, and I am just trying to keep up.  I hope to write some more about how changes affected me when I was younger in some upcoming posts, but that is going to take me out of my comfort zone that I have created for myself.  I like relying only on myself...but it isn't working for me.  I know that I know that I know, that Jesus is who I need to rely on to help me in everything I say and do.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

I have been so blessed for the past 10 years to have JC at home as a stay-at-home dad.  He has taken care of everything.  He does the laundry, and the mowing, and cooks dinner more times than not.  He drove the boys and still drives Jeremy back and forth everywhere he needs to go.  He has been helping me in so many ways and I am so grateful.  It is time that he goes back to work now and I realize how much change is coming our way.  It is a good change and we will make it work.  I think this will be good for him and I want to do everything I can to make it work here at home while still working my job. 

In addition to this change, I am also going back to school.  I said I would never go back again, but after being laid off and during my job search, I quickly realized that the Masters Degree that I owe so much for, really doesn't help.  I have truly enjoyed working with contracts...I know...crazy right?? For this reason and because I want to do everything I can to position myself to be in a better place if I lose this job, I am going to be attending UNCC starting on June 6th to get my Paralegal Certification.  Once I complete the program in December, I will be able to sit for the Paralegal bar exam next year to be a true NC State Certified Paralegal.  I am excited and nervous about this change....especially nervous because I haven't been in an actual school for over 20 years.  I earned my Bachelors and Masters completely online.  And the shooting that happened just 2 days ago, where 2 young men lost their life, adds a little more fear, but I am going to do this.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I am seriously going to put some effort into writing more blogs in the coming weeks.  I think it will be therapeutic for me to write about change and also to post the work I am doing in my "Building Self Confidence" course I am taking as part of my IDP.  I may not be happy with what I look like, but God doesn't make mistakes and He made me.

Psalm 139:13

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

Saying Goodbye (and good riddance) to 2018 and FINALLY to Hemi

The last time I posted was in June.  Big changes were taking place and I was worried.  I wrote a quick blog about the changes and I got on with my life.  I was in a state of panic wondering how I would support my family.  I applied for jobs until I was blue in the face.  I cried.  I mourned for who I was, because I had become my job.  I put on a brave face and I just kept trying even as the pain of rejection weighed heavily on my shoulders.

In July, I started working at the Food Lion corporate office through Bonney Staffing Agency.  I am working with contracts and I actually enjoy the work.  At 5pm, we walk out of the building and I am not on call, I don't have to think about the job again until 8am the next morning.  It is different.  In early August, I also started working part time at Michael's.  I enjoy it as well.  It isn't always easy, but I am making it work.  I hope in the coming year that I can get a Full Time permanent job soon.  I wait with bated breath.

I will be glad when this year is over.  It has been a season of loss and tears. I thought 2017 was bad with losing Krissie, then Snickers, then Rick.  I didn't think it could hurt much worse but I was wrong. 

Hemi took a turn for the worse in late August/early September.  I upped his steroids, kept getting his B12 but soon realized he wasn't going to get better this time. My heart was breaking but I was happy to be able to spend some extra time with him (that I didn't get with Krissie).  I feared each morning when I woke up and when I got home from work, that he would be gone. I worried that me being gone all the time with work that his little heart was breaking because the first 10 years I had him I worked from home and was always there with him. He started laying on the stairs near the boys room. He stopped eating. He was barely drinking but I guess I thought or hoped he would rebound again.  I was so thankful that I got the extra 9 months with him....but sadly on October 4th, after getting home and picking him up just to watch him get down and fall when he tried to walk, we decided to put him down.  I thought it would be harder for me to make that decision....to go in and tell them to do it and then watch him take his last breath.  When we got him there, they said his liver was failing....his ears and gums were jaundiced...he was slowly dying and that was more painful to think about then thinking about him not being with me. It was fast. I was surprised that I didn't cry more.  I was shocked that it didn't seem that I mourned as much for him as I did for Krissie.  I want to say it was because I had time to get used to it.  I had time to love him and tell him how much he meant to me.  I had time to say goodbye.  I want to believe that is why I grieved differently for him because he was my world.  He was my best friend and I miss him.  Just this morning I called Simba by Hemi's name.  I don't know why it is the end of December and I am just writing my goodbyes to him.  I don't know if it is because I have been so busy trying to make ends meet....or if it's because I haven't been ready to say good-bye...or if by sitting here right now bawling, I am having to face the fact that he is truly gone and I won't ever see him again.  I am in a rut....it feels like I am in limbo and I have a list of things to do (this being one of them) and I just don't do it.  It is easier to do nothing.  I don't know why or what cause me to procrastinate so much on doing this, but I couldn't let the year end without putting pen to paper, so to speak, to say good-bye to him.

So Hemi...I didn't forget you buddy.  I think about you every day.  I love you and miss you and I am so grateful for the 11 years you spent by my side. I am so grateful that your original owners gave you back and that we were there and got to take you home. I am so glad you and Krissie loved me unconditionally until you both took your last breaths.  I am sorry I delayed so long in writing this.  If there is truly a rainbow bridge, I hope you are with Snickers, Krissie, Grace, Scooter, and Skeeter and I hope I will get to see all of you again one day.

Each time I post, I say I will try to do better....so I will try but no promises.  2018 has gone by so fast. 2019 is just 2 days away and I am praying that I can turn my sadness into gladness, fear into hope, and love into help.  Happy New Year!!

So Many Changes....So Little Time

So it's been 4 months since I last wrote.  In some ways it zoomed past but other ways it seems as if it has been moving in slow motion.  So much has happened/changed since that last post.

Hemi is now taking a 1/2 steroid pill every day.  He is doing pretty good.  I wait with bated breath and pray that the pill will sustain him for many years....but know that there is always a chance, he could die tomorrow.  I am trying to enjoy every minute I have with him for now.

The biggest change that happened was we bought a house in April.  We moved from Concord to Salisbury.  From Cabarrus to Rowan.  We used the last 3 months to move slowly and finally fully moved last week after Jeremy finished school.  This is a big change for all of us and I feel like the boys all are angry with me because of this.....but it's a done deal now.  It will be a house that JC and I can grow old in.  We are down-sizing but we do have more property.  This neighborhood is so quiet.

Of course, the other big change, which is wreaking havoc right now on us....is I lost my job effective May 31st.  Not only have we lost the only income we had coming in, but I feel like I have lost part of my identity.  For so many years, I lived and breathed Neustar.  I carried a pager and was on call 24/7 basically. I worked 10-12 hours a day sitting at this desk...and now I am not.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I am actively looking for a new job now.

I am sad. I am a little hurt. But I am trusting that God has bigger and better plans for me and I am learning a lot about patience in this time right now.

Next week, we will have a yard sale and then we will turn in the keys at the other house.  We lived in that house longer than any other place we have ever lived.  I am sad on one hand but happy on the other.  Sometimes I don't know how I feel, and that scares me.

This is it for now....I will try to write more soon.

Still Waiting...but With a Little Hope

Well, the tests came back and said he had intestinal disease (Inflammatory Bowel) and Pancreatitis.  What the test doesn't specifically show is if the Inflammatory Bowel is just because of the bowel itself/his weight OR if it is a tumor.  He has had 6 weeks of B12 shots and for the most part is back to normal.  We also changed his diet to the OM prescription food.  I went ahead and put all 3 cats on it, because it is easier to keep them eating the same thing.  So far, he is eating, staying with me (instead of hiding in my room all the time) and is almost back to complete normal.  Although there are a few things I see in him, I don't know if I am just looking for issues or if it is truly an issue.  The next couple of weeks will be a good indication if it is a tumor or not.  He has graduated to getting the B12 shots every 3 to 4 weeks right now, if his symptoms come back, it is likely cancer, and we won't treat him.  It breaks my heart to say that, but I can't do that to him or to us.  I love him too much to want to see him go through that.

So, we wait.  Not like we wait in expectation for the day Jesus Christ will return.  We wait with bated breath, hoping above hope that he will be OK, but knowing there is a chance it could go either way.

In the meantime, a lot of change is taking place this year, that I am trying to get a grasp on. I have never been good with change, but again we are dealing with change and with wait.  After 8 years of renting (at the end of June), we placed a contract on a house in Salisbury, NC.  It is about 25 minutes from here.  I am not sure I ever though we would leave Cabarrus County, but we have been priced out of this area.  The house we are waiting for (we can't go to settlement until April 2nd) will actually be downsizing for us.  The older 2 boys will have to share a room, but since they are 20 and are seldom home now, I am hoping it is OK until they are ready to be on their own.  It is in an older neighborhood with almost a 1/2 acre of land on septic/well (which is new for us) and is a brand new home.  We got to pick out the carpet.  I am in love with the house and hope it is something that JC and I can grow old in together.  But we are waiting.  Waiting for the yard to get finished, waiting for my bonus, waiting for the carpet to be laid, waiting for some shelves to be built, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I wish I could say I am happily a patient person....but alas that would be a lie.  I am looking forward to getting the keys and slowing moving over the next couple of months.  We will stay here until the middle of June (so Jeremy can finish school) and since our lease ends in June. We have also put in an application to have Jeremy go to a different school in Rowan County, so we are currently waiting on the answer to that as well.  We have already decided if they decline his application, we will homeschool him, because he won't allow him to go to the school that he is supposed to go.

There is change/uncertainty with my job as we transition the NPAC to another company.  The work seems to get a little more challenging each week as we get closer to April.  It is a scary, anxious time.

After some discussion with my GYN, and after several years of minimal pain and several months now of excruciating pain and spotting lasting several weeks at a time, we are going to move forward with a partial hysterectomy.  I trust my doctor and feel like this will be the best choice.  The problem with that is she is saying probably 4 weeks off of work, so the timing is not great.  Based off of her schedule and our transition schedule and the upcoming move in June, it looks like I will push it out until July...so again with the waiting.  Again with the excitement, nervousness, anxiousness.

The rest of the animals are doing good for now.  Simba has a problem with itching/scratching and cutting himself.  I can't figure out if he has a skin issue or a mental issue.  I will be taking them in for appointments probably next month to get their shots, so I will ask then.  I just needed to get through Hemi's fiasco before I could focus on one more issue.

We made a quick trip up to VA for Elsie's funeral.  She was 84 and it was pretty sudden.  It was good to see family, but I hate that it was for that reason.  We definitely don't get up there enough.  Mike and DeeDee mentioned trying to get a family reunion together, so I might start looking into that again...you know in my spare time...LOL

We need to also get blinds and a refrigerator once we go to settlement. Then we are going to start packing, cleaning this house, and getting the new house set up so that come June, we can move DirecTV and Spectrum transferred and we will be ready to go.

I would love to say I plan to type more sooner than later, but at this point, I am not sure.  I find this helps when I am feeling anxious or unsettled, so it may be that I come back more often over the next 4 to 5 months...who really knows.

Waiting is so Hard

Losing Krissie last April was hard.  It was unexpected.  I knew she felt a little smaller, but had no idea that she had lost half of her body weight.  When we left for the quick trip to VA, I had no idea her temperature was so low or that she would go down hill so quickly.  I didn't know.  I thought nothing could be worse than that....but alas, here I am watching and waiting as Hemi is going down hill quickly...but I recognize the changes.  He has dropped over 6 pounds.  His hair is sticking up in ways it never did before.  I feel his spine, something that I haven't felt in many many years. He is hiding under my bed, hanging out in my room upstairs instead of wherever I am.

I made an appointment because of the weight loss but at the time of the appointment, I didn't notice much else.  Last Wednesday, his eye started leaking...I thought Skylar scratched.  On Saturday, I took him to the vet.  They took blood and urine, did a skin test for the place he is licking. They scanned his eye to make sure it wasn't a cut.  The tests were all negative and yet when I brought him home on Saturday, he hid in my room.  He has stopped eating and drinking.  I finally got him to eat a little bit of tuna fish, but nothing like he used to.  He has drank some.  He had more tests yesterday and got a B12 shot and finished the tuna fish.  His eye isn't leaking as bad, but I still haven't seen him have a bowel movement....I just look at him and my heart breaks.  He has been my buddy...my best friend...he has loved me unconditionally.  I want him to get better, but I am scared he will not.  I have cancelled going to the mountains this weekend, because I just couldn't bear it if he passed away and I wasn't here for him.....like with Krissie.  I don't want to desert him if it is the end for him.

Some people will understand....some won't.  Pets are things to some people and to others they are part of the family.  Hemi is my friend, my baby, my chunky monkey....

The tests being sent to Texas A&M may or may not be able to pin point what is wrong with him.  The next step would be an ultrasound, but I don't know if I can afford it or if it will even be worth it in the end.  At this point, there are two options...either it is inflammatory bowel or Lymphoma.  The first can be treated, the second cannot.  I love you Hemi....no matter what happens, that will never change.

Focusing on Me (and my Family)

For so many years, I have focused on helping others.  I know this is what God has called me to do, so I have worked hard to make sure I do everything I can for anybody who needs me.  But what I have realized is that by focusing on everybody else, I tend to not focus on my needs or those of my family.  I have decided in 2018, I will be focus on us.  I have pushed my student loans out so much that the amount plus the interest is literally hanging around my neck like a noose.  I don't want to pay on this debt for the rest of my life.  This is not the best time to pay on these loans for several reasons, but I know if I don't start soon, I won't have the financial or emotional means to continue to help others.

A few things have happened over the past couple of months.  We were in an accident on JC's birthday which ended up costing us his truck.  The truck was totaled because the cost of repairs were more than it was worth.  We used the money we got from the insurance company as a down payment on a newer used vehicle.  We paid the Honda off in December, but have now replaced it with a new payment for the Explorer we got.  I was able to get a reduction of the payment on my school loans, but I don't want to just pay the minimum.  I want to work to get it paid down while still paying my other monthly bills and debt.  In 2018, we will be transitioning the NPAC (where I have worked for the past 15 years) to a new company after 5 long years since we lost the contract.  I don't know where I will be in June, but I am trusting in the Lord to provide, because He has never let us down.  We have always had what we need and more.  In the meantime, I am going to try to do a few fundraisers and find a second part-time job working from home.  Every extra penny I make, I am going to put towards the school loan.  I have created another blog that I am using to support those endeavors.

Randall had surgery last week on his left knee.  He had his ACL reconstructed and 2 miniscus tears that were repaired.  He has to stay off of his leg for at least 6 weeks.  We are trying to decide how he will get back to school for the winter semester.

Christmas was a fun and relaxing time and we are looking forward to seeing my family on Thursday of this week.  For now, that is all.  I love the new desk JC got me for Christmas, so I hope to feel up to blogging more in the near future. 

Happy 2018!

If it Causes you Peace; it is Too Expensive

Earlier today on Facebook, I saw this post

This is so true and something I am working on.  There is so much going on in this world that makes peace a fleeting memory, but I choose to rely on the hope of God and eternal life with Him.  I tend not to overreact to issues, but I do see how sometimes I let anger and hurt take over.  I have decided that I am not going to let narcissistic people devalue me or my reputation.  I have decided that my time is just as valuable as other's believe theirs is.  I am a busy person.  I am a mom, a full time worker, a child of God who is always trying to help people, but I get tired.  I have decided that peace is better than having friends who bring negativity into every aspect of their life and as a result into mine.  I have decided to search for peace instead of turmoil.  I have decided that in order to get peace, I need to declutter my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I am not there yet, but I am prepared to start today.  Here are a few bible verses that I found regarding peace. I definitely need to focus hard on the 1 Thessalonians verse as I have not acted but definitely thought about pay back this week.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace in this world. You will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11

"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." 1 Thessalonians 5:15

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy." Proverbs 12:20

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

When it Rains...It Pours

2017 has been a year of learning for me.  Learning to let go, learning to fight for my marriage and my kids, learning to pray more and lean on God, but mostly it has been a huge lesson on death.  I have never been good with goodbyes, and definitely never with death.  The first funeral I went to was when I was 12 and it was my great-grandmother.  It was rough watching my dad's cousin throw herself on the casket as they tried to lower it in the ground.  When I was 18, I went to a funeral of a friend of a friend.  I knew of Harvey, but wasn't close, but I went with Mandy, and cried more than anybody there. My grandparents have all died since then, but it never seems to get easier.  This year, we loss Krissie and then Snickers, but losing JC's brother, Rick, has probably been the most devastating for us.  He had just turned 49, 10 days before he passed.  He was told a couple of months ago that he had heart failure, but we assumed he could live a long time with it since his dad has lived with it for almost 10 years.  We thought he would be OK with medicine.  We begged him to quit working, to quit mowing, to slow down, but he was a proud man who just wanted to work and support his family.  He had a massive heart attack in his sleep.  He went to bed Friday night and never woke up. JC has been a rock for his family.  He holds it together mostly, but there are times when I look at him and see the sadness.  He mentioned that he would never be able to talk to him again, I think it was finally setting in.  He did a wonderful job of talking about Jesus in a prayer for the friends/family at the reception held at their church.

If anything good can come from a death, our families getting together to honor Rick, is truly something I don't think anybody ever thought could happen.  There was a lot of animosity because of the shooting that happened 5 years ago.  JC and I were very worried that something would happen or something would be said, but it didn't.  Through the grace of God, everybody was civil.  I just wish Rick was still here to witness it.  I wish he wasn't so stubborn that he wouldn't let Taz back into his life before he died.  I wish we would have made more time to go down there to see him with his parents before he died.  Rick was cremated as were his wishes.  His wife, kids, brother, mother, and sister, will all wear a piece of him.  Rick was loved.  I don't know if he knew how much when he was alive, but in his death the love of everybody was seen clearly. Rick had a hard life.  I only knew him through JC and Angela and the few times I met him.  He stayed at our house for a little while 5 years ago, he wasn't my brother in blood but through JC he was my brother.  We hope to see him one day again.  I hope he is finally at peace and he knows that we will help take care of his family as well as we can. Selfishly, I worry about JC and the boys.  He is almost 46. They are severely overweight and believe they are invincible.  I want them to be OK always, but I know ultimately, it is all in God's timing.

When we returned from Alabama with his parents, we got home to a very sick cat.  His mom's cat, Brady had been losing weight for a couple of weeks, but he could barely walk when we got home.  We took him to the vet and after doing some blood work, it was determined he was very sick.  We had to put him down, and his mom is devastated.  Her cats are like her kids.  It is a lot to take all in one week.  My heart aches for all of them, especially her.  I am still learning.  Death is hard, but I know there is so much work that still needs to be done before Jesus comes back to call us Home.  I want to be a light in this world, I have some work to do....in the meantime, here are a few pictures of Rick from 5 years ago and 2 of the cousins and Rick's siblings.  I am not sure we will get many more times together, I hope so, but at least we have these memories.

Getting Rid of the Excess...the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This year has had its ups and downs.  Every time I think I am getting ahead, I feel like I fall a little behind.  I have been working on the Armor of God Bible study, but am about 2 weeks behind right now.  I know this is part of why I am feeling so BLAH right now, but yet I don't push myself to just get up and do it.  I am falling behind in work because there just isn't enough time to get everything done.  Getting up and walking in the mornings is helping mentally and physically, and I am enjoying being able to walk towards some virtual race goals.  I have nothing to be be BLAH about, and yet here I am.  Here I sit eating Hershey Kisses that I found when I should be doing so many other things.  I could be working on my bible study, cleaning my office, scrapbooking, reading, outside walking....

A few weeks ago I was thinking about setting up another blog to help me focus on losing weight, losing the clutter (in my mind and in my house), and setting up a fund raising event to try to help get rid of my school debt.  The debt is hanging around my neck like a noose.  It is astronomical and I think some times just thinking about it puts me in a funk.  I pay so much interest, I don't think the principle will ever decrease.  I do plan to consolidate the loans in October/November to help decrease some of the interest and I know my payment will increase at the same time, so we should have the car paid off in December and then that payment amount will go towards the school loans.  I go back and forth about ways I can earn extra money to get these paid down.  It is a burden I bought onto my family and I want to fix it, but ultimately, I know I am giving it to God, and He has blessed me beyond anything I deserve, and we will be fine.  I just need to trust in Him and in His timing.  I can't tell if my ideas for getting money are me trying to control things or ideas from Him, but until I hear a definite answer, I don't want to move.

Clutter in my mind, body, and home is what I want to start working on.  I want to clean up my act, clean up my habits, and make more room to honor God in everything I do.  I want to say yes when He wants me to say yes and No when He wants me to say no.  I want to get rid of the excess and be free to enjoy the abundant life God has given to me. 

I guess this is To Be Continued......

Snickers is Gone

Yesterday morning I woke up and started my day like usual; went to the bathroom, scrolled through Facebook, got dressed, started to feed the guinea pigs, and found Snickers dead in his cage.  His death wasn't as big of a surprise to me as Krissie's was.  Hers came out of nowhere...but Snickers was 3 and had a swollen mammary gland (which I have read was probably cancerous). I have heard life expectancy for guinea pigs is between 3 and 5 years and he was a little more than 3.  But even with it not being much of a surprise, it still hurts.  I have regrets with the guinea pigs because they were just so content to be together in their cage.  They never seemed to enjoy time out of the cage, so we fed them, gave them oranges and peppers for vitamin C, cleaned their pan out once or twice a week, gave them water and just let them be.  I don't know how long he had been dead, I was dealing with some stuff Wednesday night and I didn't check on them, I just went to bed, and there he was Thursday morning.  Shadow was laying next to him when I found him and that breaks my heart to think his buddy died and he had no way to tell me.  I hate death.  I know they are "just" animals to some people but they wiggle into your heart and become part of your family.  I never thought I would love a rodent, but Snickers was one of the good guys....and we will miss him.  Shadow is missing him.  Hemi is acting weird again like he did with Krissie, I am beginning to think he knew even before I did by the way he was acting. 

With the pain I am feeling over my animals, I can't imagine the pain of losing a human companion.  There are so many who are aching right now over lost loved ones.  I have been blessed with a somewhat healthy family and I haven't seen alot of death, but I know it is coming.  Everything on this earth will die eventually...and I have to pick up my game.  There are so many people who don't have a relationship with Christ and I need to find a way to bring them to know Jesus.  I am doing a great bible study right now by Priscilla Shirer called the Armor of God.  I am learning a lot and my tired soul is getting a much needed boost.  Things are changing around here and I need to learn to deal with some of it better.  I want to love better. I want to be better. I want to do better.  But I can't do any of that without putting my armor on first, knowing God's Truth and wearing it proudly.

Randall has decided to stay with Zaxbys. James is still at Harris Teeter. They both have 2 weeks left of their summer classes and then they will have an Associates degree and will begin UNCC in August.  Jeremy is going to some summer workouts for soccer.  He is going to try out for the High School team.  I don't know if he will make it or not, but we are definitely proud of the effort he has given so far. There are a lot of kids trying out, so I am holding on to hope, but if he doesn't make it, I will still be proud of him.  He will play rec ball and life will go on. JC is busy keeping us all together, taking care of us and now his parents. I am so blessed to have him. My job is changing, getting busier, but OT has been cut.  This is a good thing and a bad thing as I have been used to the money, but I think mentally and physically it will be a good thing in the end and an answer to prayers I have been praying during this bible study.  I know God will provide for us rather I am working 40 hours or 60 hours, so I am just going to start moving forward and see where it takes me.  Work will continue to get more stressful as we head into transitioning next year.  It is scary but if God is for me, who can be against me??

Here is my favorite picture of Snickers.  I am sad today, but joy comes in the morning.  We will miss you Snickers buddy.  If there is a place for animals after they die, and I don't know if there really is, but if there is, I can hope that Scooter, Grace, Skeeter, and Krissie greeted you when you got there!

Showing Up

Why is it hard for people to just show up?

I have felt let down on numerous occasions.  It isn't fun.  People who I thought I meant something to, have let me down and it hurts.  I hate the feeling when somebody says they will do something and then they don't.  I have always been big on keeping promises, so sometimes it is hard for me to understand why other people don't feel the same way.

When we were planning our 20 year anniversary/vow renewal, I let some people know at least a year in advance.  Only 2 of those people, showed up, everybody else couldn't come.  My dad didn't come, but unfortunately, that wasn't a surprise to me.  My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, none of them came.  That actually hurt more than I imagined.  We have gone our separate ways, we are living separate lives and it doesn't seem to matter any longer if somebody is celebrating a momentous time in their life.  It seems family only makes an effort to get together at funerals...Why is that? Why wouldn't you want to spend time with your family while there is still breath in their lungs and not to watch them being buried?  I understand there are some circumstances....I know I missed a wedding because of some financial circumstances, but I never promised I would go, I waited until the last minute and then I told them I wouldn't be coming because there was no way I could get off work.  It wasn't intentional, the timing and finances just weren't right at that time.  Some of the excuses I got was laughable.....but you know what...there were people who showed up.  People who came and saw a wonderful 2nd wedding.  People who showed up and loved on us and for that I am grateful.

None of this hurt though compares to the hurt I feel when somebody doesn't "show up" for my kids.  We may not see eye to eye on everything, but my kids and JC mean the world to me.  So I think, even though they say it doesn't matter, it bothers me.  My heart is aching right now. Randall is moving to a new job with a different company, and one of the girls at his work offered to throw him a party at her house since he was leaving.  At least 6 people said they were going to come, and then didn't show up.  It was just Randall, the girl, and her sibling(s) and mom.  It was very nice of her to do that for him....something she didn't have to do, and people just didn't show up.  Randall acts like it doesn't matter, but I know how I feel when it happens to me, so I wonder if he is just compartmentalizing and/or holding it inside.  I just want people to show up.  He is a good kid.  He is hard-working.  He would give the shirt off of his back for anyone of those people who didn't come.  I don't know the girl, but the fact that she offered to throw the party in the first place, shows me she is a caring person.  How heartbreaking to her to open her home and buy food for people who aren't caring enough to even call to give an excuse...instead they just don't show up.

Come on people!  We have to do better than this.  We are only here on this earth for a brief moment out of eternity.  Love the people you are doing life with.  Love them with your whole heart....and for goodness sake - just show up!!!  Please.

Random Thoughts

I don't really have a lot to say today, but I want to try and make blogging a habit, so I thought why not just share some of the random thoughts that are crazily zipping through my head.  I definitely feel like the spaghetti brain that Mark Gungor talked about in the class JC and I took.

So I have a lot going on this spring/summer.  We are trying to get JC's parents moved down here so I am trying to coordinate a lot with that. 

• We have boxes and packing material to take up to VA when we go up next week
• We need to empty out their storage shed and try to get Billy lined up to go, if possible, to pick up the tools and trash cans
• We need to spend 2 days cleaning out, packing up, and throwing out what they aren't bringing
• We have the electricity set to be turned on on June 12th but we still need to pay the deposit.
• I have the paperwork lined up for the renters insurance which I will have them sign when we go up next week. 
• We need to get the rest of the deposit/first month's rent in by the 12th when we pick up the keys
• We need to purchase a washer and a dryer and have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to purchase a sofa, bed, and dining room table and tried to have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to pick up the keys on the 12th and then head up to VA for the week
• We need to call the movers to set up the move
• We need to figure out if they are going to get cable/internet/phone, or any of those, and order the service and hopefully have them set it up on the 12th or the following Saturday
• We need to get them down here and unpacked
• I am sure I am missing something but that is all I can remember at this point

On top of that, I have work (an the unknown about my job) and church and soccer (and being the team mom) and Jeremy is turning 14 and graduating middle school and graduation parties so I am trying to keep my calendar up to date as well.

• We are taking Jeremy to Sky High on Saturday, May 13th with a few friends to celebrate his 14th birthday. I still need to get a cake and it doesn't look like his birthday gifts are going to get here on time.  I need to arrange pick up and drop off for the few kids and also do some work before we leave on Saturday.
• Jeremy is playing soccer and I helped by being the team mom, which mostly consisted of collecting and bothering parents for money.  Money for snacks, money so we don't have to work in the concession stand, money for selling the Dominoes cards.  And now planning an end of the year pizza party for our team and the other team for the last night we play
• On June 20th, I am going to be going to Charlotte to hand out the 75 summer fun boxes to children and caregivers and on July 12th I need a team to help me register kids for GAKAC in August, and on June 10th I am driving one of the vans on the women's trip to the Creeper Trail and when we get back, we will be going to Grace's graduation party
• We have graduation parties on May 27th, June 3, June 4th, and June 10th so far
• I am trying to figure out a time to go visit Christy up in the mountains, but having to work around Brandy's and Craig's PTO time is making it quite difficult
• We need to sign a lease before the first of July, for the first time in several years, we will only be signing one year because my job is up in the air and I am not sure what the future holds after next March
• On June 9th, Jeremy has 8th grade awards and will officially be in high school
• Now that I have FINALLY found the prayer box print outs, I need to finish those and I need to get over to Ellen's with ribbon and cards to finish up the blankets so those can be delivered
• We are planning a yard sale so I need to start cleaning/going through everything in my house to get rid of stuff.  All proceeds will go to our mission house for the church, I just need to get off of my rear end and make it happen

So with all of that, I need to get to work now.  I have reports due, QA to complete, and calls to listen to.  I can only do all of this with God's help.  I truly believe these bible verses:

 Philippians 4: 10-20

10I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

14Yet it was kind of you to share^f my trouble. 15And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. 16Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. 17Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.^g 18I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. 19And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

Busyness/Laziness of my World

Time is passing and the pain is getting more bearable.  I miss her at odd times.  The problem is with me working from home, she was always with me.  If I was working and she wanted attention, she would sit on top of my papers, or behind my monitor trying to grab my pen, or on top of my chair, or on my lap.  I miss holding her like a baby and driving her crazy by grabbing her tail and making her bite it.  I miss going to lay in bed (to get warm since it feels like a freezer in here) and her coming to cuddle with me.  I miss going to the bathroom and her following me in (although Hemi still comes sometimes, when he wants something - HA).  I have done really good about crying, except for when JC brought me flowers home and right now as I write this.  The Lord has definitely granted me peace and for that I am grateful.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

So as usual, life get busy.  I tend to be saying I don't have time for this or for that, but in all honesty, I I feel busy and lazy at the same time.  I stay very busy and at the end of the day, I just don't feel like doing anything, especially anything that takes thinking.  I have so much I need/want to do when my work day is over, but I just can't seem to find the will to do it.  My mind goes in a hundred different directions all day long, so I think by COB it just shuts down.

OIAM was somewhat of a success.  I was a basket case and for the first time since they have trusted me to be a leader, I felt ill-prepared for the task this past Sunday.  But my team showed up.  They held me up when I would have given up.  They forgave my forgetfulness, and they just rolled with the punches.  They gave me grace, when I definitely didn't feel it.  God gave me peace that day too.  I was frantic looking for something I had misplaced and heading back to the church I found myself speeding.  I know He was there, I may not have seen or heard Him, but I know he gave me peace, that showed my weary soul that everything would be OK.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Operation In As Much (OIAM) is about helping our community.  Our church gets together for one day with the hopes that people continue to minister to that community the rest of the year.  Our "helping hands" group made 176 blessing bags for the Homeless, 237 welcome bags to hand out the Riverwalk community to invite them to GAKAC in August, decorated 75 bins for the Summer Fun baskets, made 25 prayer boxes, made 50 Salvation bracelets for children who's parents are incarcerated, tied 25 blankets for the pregnancy center, and made 25 Get Well Mugs that were delivered to Meals on Wheels yesterday so they can be delivered to their shut ins.  Even with my panic, forgetfulness, and an almost panic attack, it was good.

Matthew 25:35-36 "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me."

 The next couple of months will continue to get busier.  We are working on getting JC's parent's moved down here.  We will go up in a couple of weeks to start to help them pack/clean their current apartment and again in mid-June to finish the task and bring them down here.  We need to get them furniture, get the electric hooked up, get them renter's insurance, pay the down payment, and get them moved.  In the midst of all of that, we are also having a yard sale, have been invited to a couple of graduation parties, attending the end of year carnival for the children of incarcerated parents to hand out the Summer Fun boxes we made.  Jeremy is still playing soccer through the first week of June, he is turning 14 next week, and I need to clean my house and try to downsize some of the stuff I don't love or use.  Now if I can just get the energy to do this, everything will be OK :-)

Ephesians 5:15-17 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

I was proud of myself for making it through Tuesday with no tears...then yesterday came and something small and inconsequential happened that made me burst in to tears thinking about Krissie.  I can't even tell you right now what happened...it was that small, but the pain of her not being here hit me hard.  I had a good 5-minute cry and then I had to move on.  Because I work from home, I am pretty much here at the house all of the time.  She was so much a part of my every day for the past 10 years. Every time I look at Hemi, I wonder what he is thinking, why his eyes look so sad, does he blame me because she is gone?  The pain is real, but there are so many other people suffering with far greater losses than me, and I just want to tell myself to put on my big girl pants and get over it.  I am trying.  Each day is getting better.  The hurt isn't quite as severe, the guilt isn't quite as strong, the loneliness of missing her is being helped by Hemi being by my side.  God is good and He is seeing me through this grief and I know I will come out of this a stronger a person.

I woke up this morning and looked for Bible verses about grief and some of these are spot on.

Proverbs 15:13-14 - a glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.  The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly.

Isaiah 41:10 - fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalms 119:50 This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Romans 8:18 - For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

And my favorite one:

Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

I love that you can find words in His word to help with anything that is happening in our lives.  His Word is truth and I will rest assure that even when my grief is for things of this earth, that He is holding me up and seeing me through, just like He has done for so many years....My Abba...My Father...My Friend. 

Life Goes On.....Sadly

It's crazy how writing a sentence differently can change the meaning.  When I thought about a title for this post...Life Goes On quickly popped up, but then I got that familiar pang in my chest that caused me to stop and think about that....Life does go on but look at how it sounds when you add sadly to the sentence

* Life Goes On, Sadly
* Sadly, Life Goes On

Both sentences explain how I am feeling.  Life is going on without her and I am sad....on top of being sad, it makes me sad that life is going on without her.  I think this is guilt.  I feel guilty not knowing if I could have done something to save her.  I think I made it through the day yesterday with no tears.  My heart broke several times, but I held it together...this IS progress.  Hemi it pitiful, he just keeps looking at me with those eyes of him and all I can say is "I miss her too buddy".  Work is keeping me busy..so life is getting back to normal.  As normal as can be while missing a small piece of my heart.

So I wanted to try to catch up on what has happened in the past 4 years.

We still rent a house in Moss Creek.  James & Randall graduated in 2015 and have been attending RCCC for the past 2 years.  They are about to finish their associates degree and transfer to UNCC or UNCW to finish their education.  At this point, they are debt free and I am so proud of them for that.  Randall has already been accepted and plans to attend UNCC.  James is waiting for Cox Mill HS to send the CORRECT transcripts (they sent Randall's apparently) to both schools.  I am hoping he decides to stay at UNCC so he doesn't have to pay for campus living....but ultimately that will be his choice.  They are adults now.  They are still living at home, which helps alleviate some of the financial costs.  Randall is going on 2 years of working at Zaxbys.  In the first year, he was made Full Time and a Crew Leader and may start Management training over the summer.  James is going on a year and a half with Harris Teeter.  He started as a cashier and within that first year got a raise/promotion to a CSC.  They both bought and are paying for their own car, insurance, and cell phones.  I am so proud of them and I am grateful that they didn't go away to college as they had originally hoped.  These past 2 years have done so much to help them mature, to get their license, practice driving, get a job...and keep it, and go to school full time.  I can't help pay for their schooling, but I can help by giving them a roof over their head and food in their bellies (their big bellies)....they are both about 6'3" and 300 pounds :-).  They seem to have stepped away from God.  They no longer spend hours in their room reading books and the Bible like they did in High School, but I am praying that they see (soon) that living for the world will doing nothing for their eternity.  They are good (great) kids, but being good won't get them into Heaven.  I know that they know Jesus Christ as their Savior, but the world has been trying hard to pull them away.

Jeremy is about to turn 14 in a few weeks. How in the world does that happen?  He was homeschooled for a couple of years in 6th and 7th grade and is now attending Harris Road Middle School for his 8th grade year.  Next year he will head to Cox Mill High School. He is still our baby.  He is at that age where he wants to be treated like an "adult" but he still loves to play outside and with his toys (occasionally).  I want him to keep innocence for as long as possible.  Kids today are growing up way to fast.  He is going to his first dance on Friday.  He plays soccer usually both in the Fall and Spring.  Soon he will age out and I don't know that he will make the soccer team for the school, but as they say...life will go on...and he is already talking about getting a job. He loves people, kids, elderly, even those with mental disabilities.  He exudes what the Bible says about loving your neighbor.

We added a couple of animals to our family.  Jessie and Abbie are our two dogs that we already had.  Three years ago, we added 2 guinea pigs - Shadow and Snickers.  They are only expected to live about 3 years, so I have been preparing myself for their deaths, as sad as that sounds.  Jeremy also got  a fish almost 2 years ago.

JC and I renewed our vows last month, which is a whole other post that I will write, maybe tomorrow.  It was definitely worth remembering. We have been married 20 years and I love that man with all my heart and soul.  God did a wonderful thing when he brought us together. We have fought hard for our marriage.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been totally worth it.

I am still working for Neustar....for now.  We lost the contract a few years ago and are just waiting to see when/if the new company takes over....but I am not worried.  God has always provided for us.  He will make a way.

I finished my Bachelors in 2010 and finished my Masters in 2015 and now I am trying to pay off those debts.  It is a heavy burden but I am going to do my best to get that albatross off of me ASAP. My hope is that if I have to find a new job next year, the Masters will help me do that.  I am also trying to take some Lynda.com training classes as time permits, courtesy of Neustar.  I think anything that I can add to my resume, will be useful.

Like I said at the beginning.....Life is going on.  And I am still sad, but breathing is getting easier each day.  Until the next time.

My Forever Pet

Playing the "What If" Game

So I won't even mention how long it has been.  4 years seems to have passed so quickly, yet the lasts posts seem to have been so very long ago.  I haven't thought about this blog in many years.  I realized this weekend that I needed a place to write down my thoughts.  I needed to find a way to get these thoughts out of my head.  I was trying to keep busy so my mind would stop thinking so I was reading my Kindle in the car and read a book about a woman and her blog. And I here I am today.

On Wednesday night, I got off work at 4pm and we headed to VA to pick up JC's parents.  We spent the night in Leesburg and picked them up early Thursday morning to bring them back down here to NC to look at apartments.  On the ride home, James sent me a text and said he thought I needed to take Krissie to the vet when I got home because she was having trouble walking and when she did, she would cry.  I thought maybe she had jumped and hurt her leg or her back....but oh if that was the only problem.  I checked on her by text throughout the day when the boys were home and she wasn't getting any better.  When Randall got home from work he said she was laying by the garage door and had peed, which was completely unlike her.  We were still about 40 miles out at that point.  We dropped his parents off at the hotel and came home, by that time it was around 7pm and most of the regular vets were already closed.  She was laying in Randall's lap and looked so pitiful when we got there.  I picked her up and she meowed but it was soft.  JC said she was dying just by looking in her eyes.

We took her to Kannapolis to the Emergency Vet and they immediately took her to the back.  When they finally came back out the vet told me that her temperature was 92 which was very low and most cats don't make it back from that.  She was severely dehydrated.  She was dying.  For some unknown reason, I still believed she would make it through this.  She was the best cat, she was never sick (or so I thought), she never asked for much, she was always there for me.  When I was sick, she laid with me.  When I was sad, she comforted me.  When JC and I raised our voices, she stepped in between us.  She was a comforter...a true mama cat.  We had blood work done and it didn't look good, but they put her in an incubator to try to raise her temperature and started giving her fluids.  We left to go get dinner with the promise that they would call around midnight to give an update on if her temperature was going up.  Unfortunately a little after 10, they called to say she was dying.  We tried to get there, but she died just 2 or 3 minutes after he called.  Her heart gave out and mine is now broken.  Jeremy and Randall were with us and they cried more than I have ever seen them cry.  James cried when he got home from work and heard the news.  JC cried.  My big strong boys/men were all tore up by her loss.  We have had her since 2007 and I never thought she would be the one that would go first.  She had lost 50% of her body weight (from 8 pounds down to 4).  How did I not know?  She seemed perfectly normal just a day or two before.  A friend told me that cats are good at hiding illness until it was too late.....this time it was too late.

JC told me last night I need to stop blaming myself, but I don't know how.

What if I had taken her to the vet every year for a check up?
What if I had asked them to weigh her back in February when she got her shots?
What if I hadn't changed the food back in February because of Hemi's food allergy?
What if I had noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking correctly?
What if I had noticed she was trying to get warm more?
What if I hadn't used the cleaners in the toilet that I know she drank out of?
What if JC hadn't used the bleach on the shower?
What if I had stayed home and let JC go to get his parents by himself, like the original plan?
What if I had been home and had gotten her to the vet earlier that day?
What if every time I called her my skinny girl, I realized she was skinnier and had her checked?
What if I noticed that she was hiding in places she normally didn't (under the bed, in the cat stand) and actually did something about it?
What if I didn't spend 3 weeks traveling in January for my job, a week with JC in March for our long overdue honeymoon, a weekend trip to VA to pick up his parents?
What if I was here with her instead????
What if I had just stayed and held her instead of leaving her in the incubator?

She wasn't in pain when she died, but I think about her sitting here all day, slowing dying.  Trying to get warm and not being able to.  Waiting for for me to get home by the garage door, the last place I had went out.  Wondering where I was and why I wasn't here comforting her like she did for us so many times.

My heart is hurting so bad.  I miss her.  I will miss her when I go to the bathroom and she doesn't come in and reach her paw up to be picked up.  When I scoop the litter pans. When I look in Hemi's eyes and see the questions. When I went to Petsmart. When I sit at my desk without her.  When we are watching TV and she isn't in my lap or on the floor fighting with Hemi. When I lay in bed or cuddle with JC and she is no longer there trying to get in between us. When I was at the vet with Hemi and the little girl cat meowed just like Krissie. Every time I enter my password for the next 100 or so days until this one expires. I will miss picking her up and holding her like a baby in my arms while aggravating her by putting her tail in between her legs and moving it until she would bite it. I will miss her sitting on the back of my chair or on my laptop, or behind my monitor and reaching her paw under it to grab my pen, or when she would sit on my papers or my keyboard to get my attention. I will miss her every time I look at the pillow and blanket next to my bed where she used to curl up. I will miss her every time I clean the guinea pig cage out and she isn't there to give "her kittens" their bath. I will miss her every time I feel Hemi sitting at my feet, where she used to sit. I will miss her aggravating the dogs, jumping and running and playing, fighting with Hemi.

I feel like I killed her.  We don't know what happened.  She may have been sick for awhile and just not known.  She may have gotten sick from a cleaner and her body shut down fast. She may have waited until I was gone so I wouldn't see her suffering.  We will never know what caused it. I will forever wonder and even though I know it was her time, I will always wonder if I could have prevented it. She was a good cat and she was a part of our family for so long.  We will all miss her.

Psalm 23 for the Workplace

It's appraisal time again at my company.  To say I bummed is an understatement.  I know they go off of a bell curve, I have been burned by that the last 2 years, but somehow I truly thought this year would be different.  I am perturbed that I had 7 years of all 1s (which is the best you can get), then in the 8th year I got a 2, in the 9th year, I got a 3, and now after 10 years, I got another 3. To their eyes, because of the bell curve, a 3 is great - to me, my heart is wounded, my soul is hurting, my body is tired.  I have worked even harder then ever these past 3 years, and I have nothing to show for it.  The money comes and goes.  The stress is slowing killing me, I am sure.  The time I spend at this desk instead of with my family is ludicrous....and in their eyes, I am average.  So I say, why bother???  Lord help me to have peace with this.  You gave me peace last night about the church situation, please help me again......I love this message below so much, I posted it on Facebook!

 

Lord, I need to remember this today. I need to have peace about my job just like I need the peace you gave me last night when I asked......

Psalm 23 for the Workplace

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
...
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.

He reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining

He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.

He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in all I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of e-mail, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning,

I will not stop, for He is with me!

His presence, His peace and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.

He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than a bonus check.

His retirement plan beats every 401K there is!

When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer;

And for that, I will bless His name

January is Almost a Thing of the Past

Well...the last time I wrote was Thanksgiving.  I was really hoping that I could concentrate better, blog better, read my bible better, and be a better person physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but January is almost over and I have all ready slowed down on all of it.  January is about to become a thing of the past....the world just keeps spinning faster and faster.

Work just about does me in each day and I find myself not having the energy or emotional fortitude to do just one more thing like clean my office or organize pictures, or even pick up a book or the bible to read.  There has to be something better/more than this.

Today, I find myself with a heavy heart...burdened by anger and doubt.  Wondering why I fight so hard to stay here when the people I have grown to love as a part of my church "family" seem to hurt me one by one.  I still absolutely think I have the best church in the world, but we are all sinners and I think I have worn blinders because I wanted so much to be a part of a family like I have never been before.  I wanted to belong.  I wanted to serve and love others with these people who are my brothers and sisters in Christ....but I find myself being let down more and more as each year passes.  Is it Satan who is trying to wound me, tear me down and tear me apart?  Is it he who makes me feel unworthy and unloved?  Is he making families fall apart in the church and tearing down "the church" one by one? I don't understand why people who tell you to be careful of those in sheep clothes, when they themselves are the very sheep they warn you about?  Why do they gossip and spread hatred and lies?  Why do people believe it without first going to the person to find out what is going on?  Why do people insist on playing the drama out on the Internet?  Why are we, God's children, allowing Satan to tear us apart?  Is it me?  Am I expecting too much from people?

Lord, if we ever needed you, Lord it's now! Thank you for blessing me with so much more than I ever deserved.  Thank you for giving me a wonderful family.  A great church family.  A job that pays the bills.  Could things be better?  Sure, but I know I am learning something from each of the trials I go through?  Lord, I need your help to stay focused on you and not me.  You have to become greater than me.  I need to be less than you.  I need to focus on the prize...Lord, please help me overcome this latest anger and hurt against one of my "sisters" in Christ.  I pray that you open her heart and especially open mine, because I am trying to take the higher road, and Lord it is so hard.  I need you more now than I could ever express.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord.  Amen.

Thanksgiving 2012

Every time I say I am going to do better about posting, months past and I realize I still haven't followed through with that. 

This month, on Facebook, I have posted each day about something I am thankful for, this is because God has given us so much, so much that we don't deserve, that we should give thanks for it every day and not just on Thanksgiving.

I thought I would share what I am thankful for on here, since this is something I can come back and look at each year (easily).

• I am thankful for the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven, the Holy Spirit inside of me, and the grace of Jesus Christ, my Saviour.
• I am thankful for my husband, who has spent the last 18 years with me and who still loves me.  Who has spent 15 years of marriage, loving me, making me laugh, and being a pretty good dad. A man who has grown in his faith in Jesus Christ, and calls me his Angel.
• I am thankful for 3 healthy kids.  Kids who trust in the Lord Jesus, who have great hearts (for the most part), and who long to learn more about the Word of God.  I am thankful that they don't go out looking for trouble.  I am thankful that they are smart, somewhat well behaved, and most importantly healthy (when so many other children are suffering each day to live).
• I am thankful for my extended family, my mom and dad, my sisters, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, grandparents, in-laws, and nieces and nephews.  They have helped to make me who I am and I am lucky to be a part of a big family.
• I am thankful for a house (even if it is a rental for now), heat and air, food and water, food, and clothes on my back.
• I am thankful for cats and dogs, when they aren't making a mess, they truly do a heart good.
• I am thankful for friends, past and present, the ones who have helped me to get where I am today and the ones I still turn to in my times of need.
• I am thankful for a church family like I have never known.  A group of pastors that teach straight from the Bible, a group of women who teach me how to be a good Christian women, wife, and mom.  Women who I can talk to and who encourage me and in some instances who I can encourage.  I am thankful for godly men who can help JC and my boys to become godly Men.
• I am thankful to the soldiers, men and women who risk their lives and leave their families to fight for our freedom.  Soldiers who sometimes lose their lives and don't make it back, or who make it back but lose themself.  And families of these soldiers who let them go and who have to bury their fathers, sons, and brothers if they don't make it back.
• I am thankful for the sun, moon, and stars; the trees and the grass; the mountains and the beaches; the rain and the snow, the flowers and the roads we drive on.  God gave us all of these for our benefit, and I think we are very ungrateful.
• I am thankful that through my belief in the Lord Jesus Christ, I will spend eternity in Heaven and not in Hell.  I am thankful that one day I will sit at the feet of Jesus and praise his holy name.  I am thankful that one day I will be present with the Lord.  I am thankful that many people I know, will be there too, but I am scared for many who won't...I can't say who will or won't be there, but I can say if you don't believe in Jesus Christ, you won't.  Jesus said the only way to the Father was through him - John 14:6: “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”

Lord, I thank you for the abundant life you have given to me.  Thank you for my family and friends, thank you for the necessities you have provided me, thank you for the beauty on this earth, thank you for the soldiers who protect us, but most importantly, Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins and for the sins of all people.  Lord, please help me to get in your Word more and please help me get a better understanding and help me to lose the fear so I can go out into all the world and show the love of Jesus Christ.  Lord help me to show this love, but if necessary, and if it is your will, help me to tell it as well.  In your name, Amen.

Until next time.....