Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 3

What I have come to realize is that I have been angry for quite some time.  I guess I have just internalized the anger and it finally just had no place else to go but out. I could spend hours, days, weeks talking about the anger I feel towards my family, my friends, my church, losing my job, changes, social media, the world.......it would literally take awhile, but what I really need to focus on the most is that I have been angry with myself.  I have told myself (subconsciously) that I will never be enough.  Enough for who I am not sure, but I would assume I was trying to be enough for everybody.  What I need to focus on is being enough for ME!  I want to be enough for Jesus!  If I can meet those two goals, everything else doesn't matter.

I made the mistake of getting on the scale yesterday, just three days after weighing myself for this blog on Tuesday. I know that you are not supposed to weigh multiple times through the week, but I thought even if I saw just a couple of ounces difference it would make getting up and walking every morning better, but here goes that ANGER word again. I was angry to see that I had jumped up to 311.4.  It is the first time I have gone over 310 and this was naked, so who knows what it would have been that day if I went to the doctors.  I was angry and I thought to myself "what is the use"....but I was scheduled to meet June so I left out of the house. (I want to believe I would have gone even if she wasn't waiting for me, but I honestly don't know).  When I got to her house she wasn't there, I waited for a few minutes and came back home to get my phone, sent her a text, turned on my Christian workout music and away I went. I stayed out a full hour and got almost 8000 steps. It felt good, I feel like my workout pants fit better (the reason I thought it would be good to weigh again), my feet hurt BUT I feel so much better at the end of the day. I have more energy to get me through and my brain feels a little cleared.  June overslept but I still went and that makes me happy.  It makes it enough.  We were supposed to meet again today but she wasn't there again. I didn't bother texting her this time, I just went ahead and did my hour and came home and took the dogs on a lap around the block and right now I have over 9,500 steps.  That is enough.  Now I have to get ready to go so we can get the parent's groceries and then I am going to get new shoes to hopefully help my feet.  My shoes are so old, I feel like I am walking on the road at times.

Anger really is a good motivator. I don't want to to dwell on the anger, feelings of helplessness, fear, sadness. I want to dwell on what makes me happy and whole. I want to spend time with my immediate family, I want to do a good job at work, I want to make gifts that people love, and I want to figure out a way to pay down my debt. I don't know how I can do all of that, but one day at a time until the good Lord calls me home, is how I want to live my life. I want to find a church....maybe I won't get so involved this time, maybe instead of focusing on helping everybody with everything, I will just go to help me. I don't know if the boys or JC will ever get back to the place of wanting to go, but I can't let them stop me.

As far as my weight, I am going to stick to weighing once per week. I will start next Saturday and will weigh in every Saturday.  I am not sure if I will post it every week, but I will let it be a motivator for me, for the choices I make regarding food and drinks and how much I walk.

A song from the Lewis Family just popped into my head, what a wonderful thought to pop up as I am about to sign off....I can't remember which song it is, but it says "and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own".  Thank you Lord for that reminder.  I am yours and I am enough for me.  Today will be good day.

Anger is a Great Motivator...Part 2

Today was the third day in a row that I walked. It was hard to roll out of bed, but I did it and I walked 1.77 miles and went a little longer than I did yesterday.  June, our newest neighbor was outside and asked if I wanted a partner, so it looks like maybe I will have her as another motivator. I sure know I need it.  I am still angry but I am trying not to dwell on it.  I am starting to loathe Social Media, so if I could step back from it, I think that would definitely help.

So yesterday, I shared that I was back over 300 pounds. This makes me angry!  But I want to do something about it, so I am going to set my first small goal.  I was 310 at the doctors a couple of weeks ago.  I might be more now, but I am going off of my scale (naked).  This morning I was 307.9.  My first goal is to get down to 297 (just a little more than 10 pounds).  It might take me awhile, but once I hit that goal, I will set my next one.  I am always trying to aim for the BIG goal but that has never worked for me, even when I had the sleeve surgery.

I know my food choices and drinking water is key.  I am not going to try to work on all three at the same time, right away, but yesterday I did drink 3 small waters which is 30 ounces. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, it is pretty good. I have rarely been able to meet the recommended 60 ounces per day.....but I will try.

I don't have much time to talk about much anger today, which is probably a good thing, but I am still going to use it as a motivator.  Until next time.

Anger is a Great Motivator....Part 1

Yesterday morning, I woke up angry.  I can't say that it was just one thing.  I feel like it had been building and it just finally all came to a head.  I was angry at myself, at my husband, at my kids, at my family, at my friends, and at the world in general.  Anger is not something that normally drives me, but I didn't want to talk or yell or ignore it like I usually do.....so I went for a walk.  It felt good (until I got home and realized it was too hot, I am too out of shape, and I was probably dehydrated).  I paid the price the rest of the day because my head pounded until I took some Advil finally around 5pm.  But it felt good to do something!!

The World's unrest is getting to me.  I don't feel free to share my true thoughts on my Facebook page because I have so many liberal "friends" on my page that would condemn me in a heartbeat.  One girl from high school (whom actually irritated me back then as well) called me uneducated and irresponsible because I posted a meme about people following the government without a thought.  I removed the post rather than get into an argument. I was silenced! On my own page....it was my choosing, but it makes me angry.

I have been watching my friend count on Facebook and over the past couple of weeks one or two friends have been removed. I refuse to delete any friends because of our differences in opinions, however, I have blocked many so their rhetoric doesn't fill my news feed or my head. But I spent a couple of hours one day trying to find which of my liberal "friends" deleted me, and couldn't find it and then Saturday night I found out who it was.  It was my niece.  She signed into her mother's account and read messages that we sent back and forth. I guess she was angry because her mom told me what a spoiled entitled brat she is being and I told her mom what I felt. I didn't sugar coat it like everybody else in her world does. I didn't coddle her.  So she supposedly gets depressed because of that (and I assume that is when she deleted me), and on the day her mother was supposed to go on a date for the first time since her father died almost 3 years ago, she tried to kill herself by taking 3 weeks of her medication. When she finally woke up, she told her mom she didn't remember taking them but if she did it was her fault. I am tired of the drama from down there. I am tired and I am angry. After everything I have done for them. I have tried hard to help them since Rick died, but I am done. I helped pay for his cremation. I paid for them all to get lockets to keep his ashes. I paid for a new bed for Angela because he died in the bed. I have tried to be supportive in other ways since I lost my job and can't afford to do monetary help anymore. I let Alayna use my Care Credit card to get her cat treated last week. I refuse to sit by and tell them the way they live is normal. It is not okay to act like that at 17. I guess more than anger...I am hurt. Instead of talking to me about it so we could talk it out she just removes me. I know I am 44, but I have never had that many friends that have stuck it out with me....Facebook is just a reminder that it continues and that makes me angry. It shouldn't be important and the fact that it is important to me, makes me angry.

The Main Stream Media (MSM) lies and twists information and that is where most of my liberal "friends" are getting their information. President Trump kicked off July 4th with a speech in front of Mount Rushmore. They are saying he was dividing the country by race. That was a lie. The left hates Trump so much that they would do anything to remove him from office and now that three years of impeachment trials didn't succeed I am truly beginning to believe that the Pandemic and the Riots are all part of their plan. They wanted to keep the country locked down for the rest of the year. They want the people dependent on them. They want to pay out money that our country doesn't have to all citizens (and illegal citizens) for the foreseeable future. They are all crazy. People don't understand that this ideology that nobody needs to work and the government will take care of us is ridiculous. Trump is getting too close to wiping them away and they are scared. They will do anything. I truly believe we are living out Revelations which means it is only going to get worse. I love living in America. We live in the greatest country in the world, but it is getting bad and I long for the days that we in Heaven, with no more tears or heartache, no more pain, no more anger. The world, politicians, and MSM make me angry.

I am angry with the church. I feel like I gave my heart and soul to a church family for 10+ years and even though I am the one that stopped going, I feel like they have deserted me. The year or two before we stopped going, I had been pulling out of things. I stopped leading a youth group, I stopped helping with OIAM and GAKAC, I stopped being available, and then I stopped being important to the church. There have been a few people who type the obligatory "I miss you" messages on my Facebook page, there has been one or two people who have checked on my over the past year, but I feel let down. I am hurt and I am angry. I want to find a new church up here where I live, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I don't want to go alone and I know JC and the boys won't go. I am angry at the choices I have made in the past 3 years that have led us to this point.

Finally, I took a hard long look into the mirror and I am angry at how I have let myself go again. I had surgery almost 6 years ago and never got down to the size I wanted but I was closer than I had been in a long time. I didn't put in the work. I didn't watch what I ate. I didn't drink the amount I was supposed to drink. I got lazy and complacent and now I am back over 300 pounds again. I can't believe I even wrote that "out loud".  I am embarrassed and I am angry.  So since I can't do anything about the other issues, I knew I could make a step for this. I went for a walk and it worked. I walked hard and fast (and like I said I ended up regretting that) but it felt good....and I did it again this morning. This morning I am not quite so angry, this morning it was much cooler, this morning, I didn't walk quite as hard and I feel okay.  Better than okay because I have realized I can't wait on anybody else. I want JC to join me, but I can't rely on him because he has given up (that is a whole other blog)...so I am motivated by the anger I feel and I hope that it continues to motivate me....even if I don't lose any weight, I believe walking is helping me to clear my head and my heart of all of this anger. I hope to continue that and to continue to come here to post, to get it off my chest, and to heal from the inside out.

I am angry....but I am motivated....Please Lord, let me turn this anger around for good. Help me to find a way to relieve this burden of anger. Help me to lean on you and to find a place of fellowship where I can share the love I have to share. Help me to reach out to you in my times of peace and in my times of anger. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.

Pandemic Must be Gone....Now it's time for a Race War

Well, I got to say the year 2020 is definitely one for the books.  They tried to impeach the President in January...it didn't work.  They tried to shut down the economy through the end of the year, with the Pandemic, it wasn't working.  The country was just about to open back up when this person, who was a cop at the time, murdered a black man who was in custody and who wasn't resisting.  We watched it on video. The man had no remorse. He sat on this man's neck for almost 10 minutes.  Even after he stopped moving, he continued to sit on him.  The man died.  It was a horrible way to die.  At one point he called for him mom.  It breaks my heart. 

The black community has every right to be upset.  The entire country was upset with them. Everybody stood up to call for change.....but then!!!  Then peaceful protesters turned into people who want to riot.  I don't know who paid who to start the riots, or if anybody even did. Democrats say it is right-winged people starting a Race War....Republicans are saying Democrats are trying one last ditch effort to get President Trump out of the White House.  People are being injured and killed. Streets are being blocked, trucks are getting ransacked, stores are being looted, houses and business, and churches are being burned to the ground.  Cops who had nothing to do with these incidents are being injured and killed. When is enough enough??

Somebody on Facebook posted this:

"If someone murdered my son in cold blood while he begged for his life and I knew there was little chance that justice would ever be served, I'd want to burn the world down too. I'd want everyone to burn it down with me. I'd want every single person across the country to feel and see my rage and my pain. I would set fire to everything until I was heard....until EVERYONE in the country cared enough to stop turning a blind eye to these injustices or making excuses for them.

I'd burn it all the way down.

I'm not saying it's right.

I'm saying I understand."

-Author unknown

I started to respond with this message....but I stopped myself. It isn't worth it.

I don't want to argue against this statement, because I can see the point, but George Floyd's family does not want the whole world burnt down. They want all of this to stop. They absolutely have the right to feel the rage and pain and ache for everybody in the country to care, but when does it stop? After they burn every city down? After they have beaten, maimed or killed a hundred, a thousand, a million people in their rage? After they have stolen all of the shoes, clothing, and electronics that they can handle? Those who are peacefully protesting were getting their voices heard, but those who are choosing to riot in the other ways are making it hard to hear the voices of those begging for change. They (the people who are rioting) are hurting the cause more than they are helping it.

We are being divided. If you don't choose a side you are criticized. You are called a racist. If you do pick a side, you risk losing friends...depending on which side you take, there will always be somebody who no longer wants anything to do with you. Sisters are fighting against sisters. Sons and fathers and/or mother are divided. Neighbors and friends, social media acquaintances and groups are divided. I am so tired of all of it. These are definitely the end times. Come Jesus Come!

Groundhog Day or Pandemic Blues

Well it is now May and not much has changed.  NC is still under an executive order to stay at home through this Friday, May 8th.  I don't think the Governor will extend it again because people are getting antsy to get back to work.  Our economy is struggling and the government just wants to keep giving people money instead of opening things back up.  Some people haven't worked in two months and they are struggling. I have been so blessed to be able to work from home.  I did it for 11 years, so this is nothing new to me. I have been super busy with my normal job and have also picked up a part time data entry contract job through a law firm out of Colorado. I just want to pay down my debt, but it seems the harder I work, the more debt I accrue. I have also been busy making crafts since there is nothing else going on.

We have been spending lazy days outside laying in the hammock, having fires with s'mores, and binge watching TV. I need to get out more but my allergies are about to do me in. The pollen has been so bad, that when I am outside for even just a few minutes, I feel it....and if I am outside for several hours...I feel it for several days. 

Shopping is the most stressful thing I have to do during this time. When I shop for us, I get up at 6 and am waiting in line at Walmart at 7 when the doors open. I try to get as much as I can, even if we don't need it because people are hoarding everything and soon the meat supply will be in short supply because of the plants shutting down. They finally have toilet paper back on the shelf but not a lot, which is fine, because we are good for now.....When I shop for my in-laws, I usually place the order on line but then have to replace several items that are out of stock by the time I check out. The time slots are filling up fast, and by the time we pick up the order, usually there are a lot of items that have to be substituted or are just not available....then I have to go to another store to get what I couldn't order. It makes for a long day.

I don't want to go back into the office, I am content working from home, but I will do what I have to do when they tell us to go back. Even with being familiar with working from home, I am starting to get antsy though, maybe a little depressed. It seems like every day is the same. Wake up, eat, work, eat, watch tv, eat, watch more tv, eat more. I need to go take walks to break up the monotony, but I have no energy and it is so hot now....plus did I mention the allergies.  I just want to feel better. I thought by now with the allergy shots I would be better, but this spring season apparently is very bad.

The Paralegal State Bar Exam was cancelled in April. It got pushed back to October, so now I have to wait. Thankfully, I already paid and that will just be applied to the October exam instead of April, but that means I have longer to lose the information I was trying to retain....getting old isn't pretty.

I sound like I am complaining, in reality I am just ready for a new norm.  This "new" norm is getting very old. I am so very blessed in that I still have a job to support my family. I don't want to ever take that for granted so I am asking God to give me a new outlook and a new desire to get healthier and happier, even if that means I have to walk or work out by myself. I can't keep depending on other people doing it with me, and then when they don't, just giving up.

So this is May, lets see what June holds. If I think about it, I will try to write again before next month, but these days, I am lucky if I remember to do it once a month. 

It's April and we Have a Pandemic

Well another month has come and gone.  Alot has changed since the beginning of March.  The world is in a Pandemic due to COVID-19 or the Coronavirus.  This virus was found back in November/December in China but supposedly just made it's way here in March. The entire country is basically shut down. Hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs. Stores are sold out of things like toilet paper, paper towels, lysol and clorox cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, canned foods, meats.  It is incredible how selfish some people were at the beginning of this.  People went around buying up all of the supply and then selling it on Amazon at double or triple the price.  At this point, I just want to be able to order my in-laws groceries without spending extra time replacing items that are sold out by the time I place my order.  I would like to be able to make my list and know I can feed my family for two weeks.  It is getting somewhat better now, but it was a little scary for a little bit there.  The Governor of NC has us on lock down. We are supposed to be in our houses unless we have to be out for essential needs like doctor's appointments or getting food.  So many small businesses will be shut down by this.  States are having problems keeping up with the unemployment requests.  I am so blessed to have a job and a company who is allowing us to work from home 100% of the time.  The brands (Food Lion, Hannaford, Giant, Giant Food, and Stop & Shop) have hired thousands of people to stock, clean, and check out customers and plan to hire even more in the upcoming weeks.  JC feels trapped in the house. He is struggling especially since all sports have been cancelled.  There is no Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Racing.  He doesn't know what to do. For me, I actually love it.  Other than worrying about the food aspect, I like being home all the time, especially for work.  I like that the boys are all home, except Randall when he is working. I like that things have slowed down and we are eating more meals together as a family. I do miss watching Jeremy play sports. All sports are shut down and he had just started playing for a Club league for the first time this spring. I feel sorry for the girls soccer team at South Rowan. They were doing so well.  They were 5-0 when it was stopped.  Some seniors won't get a prom or graduation. South Rowan has said they will it might just look different then they expected. 

I haven't crafted in a couple of weeks. I just haven't felt motivated. I also haven't read.  We planted new bushes and I attempted to start cleaning/organizing my office space.  I am going to try real hard to finish that task up this weekend.  Things are kind of just in limbo right now. I did make JC just new shirts and I a memorial box for Gladys.  I am going to see what else I can get into this weekend.  On top of my full time job, which I am doing at home, I have also gotten a second job that is temporary but pays real good.  It is a data entry project that should last through April and if they like my work, they may ask for help again.  I am hoping it can be a long term deal and that it can help me pay down my debt a little at a time.  For a part time job where I don't have to leave my house, it is amazing and it is dealing with contracts, so I think it is pretty great, but that will take away some of my crafting time.

That is really all that is going on right now.  It is almost 8 so I am going to sign off and start my day.  I am so thankful it is Friday.  It has been a long week. 

Until next time.

How is it March Already?

I think the older I get, the faster the days are going by.  I can't believe we are already in March of the year 2020.  Which means I let the whole month of February go by without writing again.  I have just been busy healing, working, reading, and crafting.  I enjoy reading so much, I can't believe I went an entire year without picking up a book.  For so many years, I just read and read. I honestly think it was the first time I was truly depressed.  The only thing I can attribute it to, is losing Hemi.  It stinks....loving someone or something so much sets you up to be hurt with their loss.

I have made a few crafts in the past month that I really love.  The Dr. Pepper glasses were a gift for a friend at work that had a real bad car accident.  The Wine coasters was just for fun, not sure what I will do with them yet, the cat on the books is a library bag I made for me to transport my books back and forth from the library, the shadow box with Hemi and Krissie are for me, the one with Rocko was a gift for Sandi after she had to put him down, and the Son/Feather is for a sweet lady that works where I get my allergy shots.  Her son killed himself the week before last. I just found out last week, and it made me very sad. I hope it doesn't make her sad.  I love making gifts for my friends and family....personalizing them for the place they are at currently.

I need to find a way to make money to pay off my school loans, personal loans, and credit card debt.  I am trying to pay one off at a time, but I am back down to just the biggest ones. The total amount  of all of these together is mind boggling. I want to work hard and pay it off. I am not asking for a handout, but I am at my wits end, trying to dig myself out of this hole I am in.  I keep hoping I win the Givling game eventually, which will reduce my school loan by $50k.  Maybe one day Ellen will take pity on me, and pay off the house or the school loan.....HAHA....I know wishful thinking.  I will figure something out, I always do.

I need to run to grab a shower now that my work day is over.  I love that my job has given me the option to work from home twice a week.  It helps tremendously with my soul.  After my shower, I am going to pick up my new office chair.  This one has finally broken completely and it can't be repaired. I will miss it. I kept it even when it stopped going up and down, because Hemi was able to sleep on the back of it.....but since he is gone, nothing is stopping me now.

Fibroids...PCOS...Menopause....oh My!

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Rollins today and have been cleared to go back to normal activities.  I am excited.  I have gained so much weight over the past 2 years, now that I feel so much better (little to no pain/cramps), I want to get back to exercising and hopefully learning to eat right and drop some of this weight.

My appointment went well, everything looks good, however, I am a little bummed and that drives me crazy.  I should just be happy, but she confirmed that I will continue to have PCOS until I hit menopause.  I was hoping that wouldn't be the case....but such is life.  PCOS will end once I hit menopause but then....well...then there is menopause. But I am grateful. I am no longer in pain, so I can handle this.

I didn't want to say anything because I wasn't sure that JC heard her right after my surgery, but she confirmed today that my uterus was huge.  Huge as in a normal uterus weighs 50 grams and mine was 344 grams.  Normally it is approximately 7 cm, but mine was 15.5 cm.  Most of that size came from one of the fibroids which was 6.5cm.  I feel like knowing this has validated me.  I wasn't crazy.  The pain was real. It was constant. It was causing lower back pain, cramps, the need of a heating pad even on days when I wasn't on my period. It was causing shooting pain down my legs and at times made me feel as if I was going to pass out from the intense pain.  The pain is gone and I am happy....if I have a little pity party, it will be over soon.  Below are some pictures I found on Google so one day I will be able to look back at this and see how very blessed that I have been given a new lease on life and I want to do something with it.

I Can See Clearer Now - It's 2020

LOL OK, well the title leaves a little to be desired, but I thought it was funny.  I loved the Facebook post where people were saying Barbara Walters should have hosted so when the ball dropped she could say, "I'm Barbara Walters, and this is 20/20".

The year has gotten off to a quick start.  I went back to work last week after two weeks off. I started off slowly and took a couple of 1/2 days, had off for the 1st and then worked from home Thursday and Friday.  This past Monday was my first full day back in the office and I felt great...initially.  By 3:30 was extremely exhausted and had a headache.  It is hard to realize that even though I feel great, I still get so tired throughout the day.  I worked from the office Monday and Tuesday and thanks to the grace of my wonderful boss, I am working from home the rest of the week.  I am surely blessed and trying to listen to what my body needs...and right now, it needs rest.

It is already the 9th of January. I can't believe how fast the days are passing.  Jeremy just started his second semester of his Junior year.  He is still playing Basketball through February I believe.  He has a plan to ref this Spring and try to get a job this Summer while he does Soccer workouts as well.  He is busy busy and is talking about going to College. I don't see how it will work but if that is his dream, I hope he can make it happen. I wish we were in a better position to help all of the boys get the education they want, but we are barely holding on with our own debt at this point...but I am not thinking negative today.

I FINALLY made the decision to remove the medicine reminder from my phone calendar for Hemi.  You would think it wouldn't have been a huge decision, but on January 1st, I decided it was time....I felt like throwing up when I did it, and almost stopped myself, but I did it. I am actually proud of myself. It was the only thing left holding him here. It is hard to think that he made such an impact on my life. I loved him so much. He was my best friend that I could count on never letting me down. Sure he threw up all the time, and he was pushy, and annoying, but he loved me unconditionally.  Krissie too. She knew when I was sick or sad and she wouldn't let me sulk. I hit the jackpot when I got those two.  I hope Simba and Skylar eventually become that important to me. I love them and they are always hanging around but so far, it isn't quite the same as the attention Hemi gave me.  I must sound like a crazy person, but just trying to put into words how much he meant to me.

Tomorrow I go back to my doctor for my 4-week checkup.  I am excited to see if I can start doing more or if I have to wait another 4 weeks to start lifting again.  I am sure it is the latter, but I can hold out hope.

I have been playing with my cricut and have plans to do some crafts with Audra in the upcoming weeks.  I have also just scheduled a bi-weekly Study Group for the Paralegal Exam in April.  We only have a few times to meet between now and then so it will start this Saturday.  I have also been using a Quizlet app to help me study.  It is a multiple choice test so I hope I pass. I am not the best test taker but at least it is multiple choice so I, again, can hold out hope. :-)

I need to get back to work now.  I am feeling a little under the weather with sinuses again but trying to push through.

Here is to a better year in 2020.  The future is so bright...I have to wear shades!

Looking Forward to 2020

Well, it is New Years Eve at the end of 2019.  As we head into 2020, I thought I would take a minute to reflect on the past year and look forward to new things in the upcoming year.

2019 wasn't as bad as 2018, in fact, I feel like it flew by faster than any other year of my life.  Every year, we struggle with debt, so this year was no different, however, it was a little easier to breathe after getting hired full time last February.  In the new year, I want to focus on getting that debt paid down so I can't breathe even better.

Some of the good things that happened in 2019:
* Got hired full time at RBS.  The building is 6 minutes away and I get to work from home 2 days a week.
* Made some new friends/acquaintances.  I hate to say friends because honestly, I feel like I am a "forgotten" friend. Very few of my friends call me, check on me, or anything. If I am included, it is usually as an after-thought. If I don't call them first, we just don't talk...and I have become okay with that.  I have met several new people at work and have made new friendships.  Audra and I have hung out and plan to work on crafts next year.  She has been very good to me and even came to sit with me after I had surgery.
* Completed a 6-month program through UNCC to obtain a Paralegal Certification (and will sit for the NC State Bar Paralegal exam in April).
* Refinanced the house and no longer have to deal with the most horrible customer service department in the world.
* Watched Jeremy play Soccer and Basketball
* Got a Cricut machine
* FINALLY, I had a hysterectomy on December 13th.  This was originally scheduled back in 2018 but once I lost my job, I had to cancel it.  I should have just done it in May instead of waiting, but alas, shoulda...woulda...coulda....I am about 2.5 weeks out from surgery and I am already so grateful for the relief of pain. I hope it only gets better from here.  I have had minimal pain from the actual surgery, the incisions have healed, and so far no extreme pain or shooting pain down my leg.  I am grateful.

So in 2020, I want to do more.  I want to give more, I want to pay more on my debt, I want to make more crafts, I want to hike, I want to walk more, I want to walk more towards the Run the Year 2020 program that Kim, Mom, and I signed up for again, I want to read more, and I want to spend more quality time with my family.  I want to find a new church and actually start going again. I want to blog/journal more. I want to get back to being more of who I used to be.  I want to actually send out letters/cards this year, spend less time on electronics, and try to lose some of this excess weight.  I think if the weight of the world is released (journaling) and the weight of this body is decreased, I will feel so much better about myself.

So this is me. This is who I want to be in the future.  Happy New Years from Salisbury, NC!!

Building Self Confidence - Part 4 (Final Post)

I have been meaning to come back here to finish up my posts on the Self Confidence class I took, but school, work, and I think a little bit of depression has kept me away.  I don't know why I am depressed. I am so very blessed, that I feel ashamed to admit it, but I am starting to think I may need to see the doctor to get a little help.  That will be another post, for now, I am going to try to finish up the Self-Confidence posts. 

Visualize Success:

• Envision yourself succeeding
• Spend time in thought to keep yourself focused on the goal
• When you clearly see you achieving this goal, you will then be able to achieve it

Right now, I am not sure what my "goal" is. I am trying to focus on getting this paralegal certificate and passing the Paralegal State Bar next April.  I am working hard to get good grades in each one of my classes and as of right now, I have received an A in each class. My other goal needs to be weight loss again, but stress and depression don't make that an easy task.  Finally, my last goal is to continue to build my self-confidence.  I know I can do anything I set my mind to, but now I just have to believe it.  I will do it because I am a child of God and He doesn't make mistakes. He loves me just as I am, so I need to learn to love me too.

Planning for Failure:

• Be Prepared for failure
• Recognize it as a setback
• Think/Write/Talk about it
• Stand up straight, take a deep breath, and move forward
• Don't let it surprise you!!

I feel like my first goal for the paralegal certificate is going well right now. I try not be a perfectionist all of the time and I do try to give myself a break if I don't get a grade that I hoped for.  My third goal, of building self-confidence will take a lot of work, however, I do feel like I have done a better job, especially in class.  Completing my degrees, I did everything online, so having to go into a classroom again scared me, but it has been good for me. I feel stronger. I have made a few friends and I usually look forward to going each night.  I do know if I could focus more on my second goal of weight loss, that would be the best help for me.  I need to refocus my energy on losing weight, eating better, paying off my debt (that is a huge weight that I carry), and I think the self-confidence will improve as well.

Assessing Your Progress:

• Think critically about how well you have done
• How was the progress made?
• Cycle back through the process if you don't feel comfortable with your progress

I think this is definitely an ongoing process. There are some things I feel great about and others I know that I still need to work on. I think I will probably go through many cycles and gain more knowledge about myself each time.

Accelerate the Process:

• Replace incremental goals and win with ambitious goals
• Time to think of 5-year dream
• What has to happen to get me from here to where I want to be?
• Be prepared for adversity
• Visualize and define each milestone

Instead of 5 years, I want to set a goal of 2 years.  These are a few of the goals/milestones I would like to work on:

• Lose 100 pounds (or more) by the time Jeremy graduates in 2021
• Complete the Paralegal Certificate (December)
• Have my hysterectomy (after class ends in December)
• Talk to my doctor about possible depression
• Study and sit for the Paralegal State Bar test in April of 2020
• Find a Part Time job to start paying off debt
• Keep playing Givling to hopefully one day win and be able to pay off a small chunk of my school loans
• Once Credit Cards/Loans are paid off, starting putting extra towards house and school loans every month
• Make Handmade Christmas gifts for family and friends to show them that I care about them but not go into more debt
• Blog more...say it and DO IT!!

I am putting these here so I can come back and look at them and hopefully check a few of these off on my way to becoming a better me.

Celebrating You:

• Big Milestones deserve Big Rewards
• Match the size of the Reward to the Achievement
• I AM WORTH THIS REWARD!!

This Self-Confidence class as well as the additional classes I have taken as part of my IDP for this year has helped me tremendously. I have to believe that I am worthy of any improvement that I can give myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am worth it.  Now it is up to me, and only me, to put in the work to get this done.  I CAN DO THIS.

We Interrupt Our Normally Scheduled Program

So it's been a long month.  I still have several posts to finish for my Self-Confidence class that I took, but I have been super busy....tired...sick this past month.  Several things have happened to delay me from making this post.  I wish I would have done it earlier but physically I just haven't felt up to it.  I started school for my Paralegal Certification on June 6th, so that is where the "tired" comes in.  I have been fighting allergies/sinus issues for about a month now, that is the "sick".  I don't remember ever feeling this bad.  I have had chills and sweats (no fever though which is crazy), stuffy head, runny eyes and nose; I have gone through several rolls of toilet paper and an entire box of kleenex in the past week.  I am excited though because today I had an appointment with a new Allergy doctor here in Salisbury.  She was great. The office staff was great.  She has started me on a new antibiotic regimen for 10 days.  The steroids I was given on Friday didn't knock this out.  She gave me Singulair, which is a new allergy medicine, but can be used temporarily while I am unable to take my Allegra.  I will get allergy tests on Monday and then hopefully start back on my shots.  I am looking forward to being able to hear and breathe and think without feeling like I am in a bubble. 

With all of that being said, there is a reason I have finally come back to make a post.  On June 11th, JC and I went to VA to see Jack Graduate.  Jeremy was at JROTC camp and James and Randall were holding the fort down for us.  James sent me a message first thing on Wednesday morning to let me know that Shadow had died over the night.  I knew it was coming.  He lived almost 2 years longer than Snickers. The past 6 months was not a good time for him.  He was having problems with his pooping. I thought for sure he was going to die last October, but he kept on going.  I honestly believe he waited for me to leave. It breaks my heart that I wasn't here, but I am glad he is no longer in pain.  He was such a trooper and probably the easiest pet we ever had.  He loved oranges and red peppers and at times I think that was the only reason he kept on living.  I have added him to my shelf with the rest of our animals.  We aren't going to get anymore guinea pigs.  We aren't the best pet owners, we love them and feed them, and take care of them, but I always feel guilty that we didn't do enough for them.  We were blessed to have Shadow for 5 years and we will miss him.  I surely hope that Shadow, Snickers, Hemi, Krissie, Grace, Scooter, Skeeter, and even Bleu are together somewhere.  I hope that Hemi and Krissie are giving Snickers and Shadow a bath, and I hope one day that I will see them again.  Maybe I won't, I honestly don't know what happens to animals, but I do know that God blesses people with animals in their lives for a reason.  We wouldn't hurt so bad for them if we weren't made to love them.  Goodbye for now Shadow.  Thank you for being so easy going.

Building Self Confidence - Part 3

So, it has been two weeks since the last post.  I didn't mean to wait so long, but honestly, writing that post took so much out of me.  I was raw and just didn't have the energy to sit back down here and write more.  I just re-read my post and I am appalled that I spelled "threw" wrong twice...LOL

Small Wins & Small Rewards
* Next few steps
* Legit meaningful goals
* Create a small reward
* Do this over several months

In my mind, I have always been a strong person.  I have been shy, bashful, behind the scenes, a hard worker, somebody who loves hard, trusts stringently, tries my best to be everything to everybody.  I am realizing that although I am in strong in some aspects of my life, there are so many other aspects that I am failing.  Change was something I thought I was getting better at, but I think that may have been stretching the truth just a little.  I am trying to get past the brokenness that I feel.  In some ways, I feel strong and I am okay with the decisions I am making, but in other ways, I wonder why I am choosing to remove everything/everybody slowly out of my life. I am comfortable and I am tired. I don't always want to go out and do stuff and I am okay with it...for the most part.  I want to stop feeling guilty about it. I want to do what I want, when I want, and not feel bad.

So with that being said, I am moving on to the next phase of this self-confidence class that I completed through work. 

The next steps I want to take are:
* Stop being angry and resentful to people who have hurt me
* Stop feeling guilty
* Do what makes me happy, as long as I am not hurting others
* Enjoy learning (over the next 6 months for the Paralegal certification)
The meaningful goals I am setting:
* Be happy with whatever decisions I make
* Find a new church home or go back to WCC (not making a decision is not an answer)
* Go through boxes in office and keep what is important to scrapbook and get rid of the rest
* Create a game night to start building relationships with people in this new neighborhood
* Continue to work hard, complain less, and complete the certification doing the best I can
* Pay off debt, one day at a time
* Start exercising and eating better, feel better physically and mentally, about myself
Create a small reward:
* When I find a church and/or attend church for a month in a row, I will treat myself to a hike
* Each box I go through, I will treat myself to a night of scrap booking (or force myself to do it)
* When I lose 25 pounds, I will get myself new bras
* When I get my credit card paid off again, I will put the extra money (if any) towards my personal loan. When I get the first personal loan paid off, I will put the extra money towards the second personal loan, and then I will start working on my school loans.
I will work on this over the next several months.  
There are a lot of things I need to work on....happiness and self confidence will come, I just have to want to reach for it.

Remove Negativity from your Life
* Think about the past year, write down negative events
* Identify and remove negative thoughts
* Think about next year (future) and determine how I can reduce time with these negative things
* Write down positive events
* Identify & bring closer positive thoughts

Negative Events (past 2 years) - Losing Krissie, losing my job, losing Hemi, issues with new house
Positive Events (past 2 years) - Buying a new house,  getting hired permanently and beginning a new career

Stop blaming myself for Krissie's death. Stop reliving the 9 months of trying to keep Hemi healthy and second guessing every move I made. Remove the reminder that pops up every morning at 7:50 to remind me to give Hemi his medicine. Stop reliving the feeling of failure for not being able to save him. Stop believing that you aren't good enough. You lost your job because of poor decisions and not because of your work. Stop focusing on everything that has gone wrong with the house and focus on the peace it gives you. Continue to praise God through the storms. You are blessed. Continue to feel proud and enjoy learning about being a paralegal. Praise God that I am capable of earning a living and figure out a way to spend less.

I am going to cut this short tonight. I have boxes to look through, reading to do for class, my bible study, and resting my mind right now.  Jeremy is gone with his ROTC group right now. They are in the mountains and we miss him like crazy. I am off the next 3 days. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer and then JC and I are going to see a movie. Tuesday, I turn 43 and we are headed to VA to see Jack graduate. Wednesday we will come home and JC will pick Jeremy up on Thursday.  As fast as life is passing right now, I don't want to wish time away, but I can't wait until we get to see him again.  Until next time.

Building Self Confidence - Part 2

Deal With Your Past
* Face the Monster
* Write about and talk about it
* Articulate People, Place, Events that led to lack of Self Confidence
     * DO THESE REALLY MATTER?
* Talk to 1 close confidant about what you wrote about
* This will help you learn about your past and help you cut it loose

Well - these are definitely loaded prompts. This post could probably go on for days!!! But I am going to try to reign it in and focus on the most important.

I guess the number one person who helped kick my self-esteem and self-confidence to the curb, would be my father.  To understand how or why, I guess I would have to start at the beginning.

I am the third girl of three kids. My dad had a vasectomy while my mom was pregnant with me and I don't know if that decision was made before or after they learned (incorrectly) that I was going to be a boy...or if they never found out and just wanted me to be a girl...either way, it was always known that my dad wanted a boy and I guess I was the closest thing he would get.  They nick-named me Bobbie as a result and I was my dad's shadow.  I don't want to say I was his favorite, because I guess even back then I realized that Kim, as the oldest, was his favorite, but I was his side-kick for as long as I could remember.  If he was in the garden, I was too.  If I wasn't at my grandparents learning to read from my Pappy, or at Johnny and Gussies' swimming, or on the softball field (where my dad usually was as well), I was with my dad.  We lived in a quiet neighborhood in Vienna for the first 10 years of my life.  Life seemed perfect to me, but there was a lot I didn't know at the time.  I wasn't a boy, but I was enough of of tom-boy that I thought it was enough.  I am guessing I never was.

Around the time I was 10 or 11, we moved to a bigger house in DunnLoring.  Shortly after that, we stopped going to the church/school Grace Lutheran because they gave him an ultimatum.  He had to pick the church or his Masons group he was in.  My mom was also in Eastern Stars, and my sisters were Rainbow Girls.  I wasn't old enough yet, or I assume I would have been in it as well.  My dad chose Masons, so it was at that point we started in Public schools.  I was in the 5th grade.

Sometime between 5th and 6th grade, out of nowhere my parents were separated. I was told many stories, including that it was our fault because we wouldn't keep the house clean.   Ultimately, it would come out that my dad was seeing his ex-girlfriend from high school.  He would end up divorcing my mom and marrying her.  She had a son, who was my age, so I assume on some aspect, I thought he was able to finally get his boy.  I don't hold any animosity towards Gene.  He is a great person, he was part of me staying sane back then. He was a good guy then and although I don't ever talk to him, I do see him on Facebook from time to time, and it looks like he is still a good guy.

I always said I would write about the lies, manipulation, sneaking around, and things I walked in on that I should never have seen or heard, but today is not that day.  I know in my heart of hearts that nothing is ever completely private, so until a different time, those things will have to stay deep in my heart and my soul.  Nothing good can come from shedding light on those things.  I can say though that is a big reason I dislike lies so much and why I fight so hard to keep my marriage.

In 5th grade, I had the best teacher ever. Maybe I loved her so much because she was a beacon in the darkness (starting public school after being in a small private school for so long). One day she got mad at a boy and threw his book in the trash. When everybody left for recess, I pulled it out. When we all came back inside, she asked who had done it and nobody admitted it....and why would they when it was me who did it? But I was too scared to take the blame....that feeling of guilt never left me....so as hard as it is to accept that I am not perfect, I have no problem speaking up when I make a mistake. I think I still tell myself small white lies but as a rule, I try not to do that to others. Even doing it to myself makes me feel sick to my stomach.

In 6th grade, I bought a dress for a dance but chickened out. I never went and nobody made me go. I was the only person in the 6th grade who didn't go. I don't know why or remember my thought process but I assume it was uncomfortable to act like a girl since I was such a big tom-boy. I know by this time, I was already having issues with self-assurance and my self-esteem was shot. Each day that went by without my dad, seemed to reiterate that I wasn't enough.  After my dad left, I felt very alone. My mom and my grandmother each had one of my sisters and then there was me.  It was also at this time that my period started. I never told my mom. I would just take her products from under her sink. As far as I know she never knew....because I overheard her once telling my dad's cousin that she thought Sandi would be the first to start because Kim was so late in starting hers.  Little did they know that I had already started. It is strange that I was the youngest and started first, but it's one of those things that happens.

Every Christmas, her kids would have piles and piles of gifts under the Christmas tree. Material things don't really mean a lot to me, but it always felt like a knife being stuck in my heart. One year I think he gave us three girls bowling balls. Another year we each got a ring. For Easter one year, I got a bunny and yes I still have it to this day. I wanted my dad, but I wanted all of him, and not just the piece that she allowed him to give.

At the end of 8th grade, my parents switched houses. My mom couldn't afford the house in DunnLoring anymore. Although others would say differently, my dad never paid child support. He helped with softball tournament fees or if there was a need, but he didn't pay a monthly payment. I think my mom thought by not making him pay, there was a chance he would come back to us.  I don't know what she was thinking, but she was working two jobs to make ends meet and they weren't meeting.  So they came up with the idea of changing houses. At that time, they lived in a small townhouse in Centreville. We moved into that and they moved into our house.  Each of her kids got to paint their room a special color that they picked out. Why I remember that detail so many years later is beyond me, but I feel like it was just another way to show we weren't worthy. Moving from DunnLoring to Centreville was a huge deal. It was the same county (which will be important in a bit) but it was far away from the few friends I had. I tried to stay with my dad and his "new" family for  a bit at the beginning of 9th grade, but that didn't last long and soon I transferred up to Centreville High School. I think I went just a month or two to Marshall.

At Centreville everybody already knew each other as they had been going to school together their whole life. I went to Homecoming with Jason in 9th grade, and fell head over heels in love with him. It wasn't love for him at that time, or probably ever, but I was infatuated. I am not even sure how I met him, Kevin, and Scott; it may have been through Gene, but honestly and surprisingly, I can't remember.  Looking back I can see that I latched on to the first person who showed me attention. I was looking for the love to replace the love I lost when my dad walked out on us. 

Every decision I would make over the next 4 years had everything to do with him. I gave him my heart, I gave him my virginity, I gave him everything and time after time after time, he through it back in my face. I wouldn't eat in front of him because I thought I was fat, so when my mom took me out to eat, I would usually give my food to him. He stole money from my mom, and I denied it. I accused her of not wanting me to be happy. He stole (or lost) my class ring, I still don't know where or how, but his mom did have that replaced. He kissed my friend Michele and asked her out for a bowling date. He started talking to my friend Kim (we weren't friends at the time) and I guess he ghosted me for awhile before she found out about me and kicked him to the curb. We became friends after that. Every chance we got, we would have sex. Usually he would come over and then leave shortly after with the excuse that he didn't want to get in trouble with his mom.

There was a short period when I felt like he truly cared about me. He made me laugh, he made me think we would be together forever. I was a stupid, stupid kid with dreams that would never come true. At the beginning of our "relationship" he would tell me names of girls that he wanted me to try to set him up with. He tried to push me off on Scott during the summer after 9th grade, saying Scott liked me. Scott was one of my best friends...but that changed later during one of the times me and Jason were apart. He definitely chose Jason to stay best friends with and once again I was out in the cold. We were on again and off again throughout high school and by the end of our relationship, I would find out that he cheated on me 7 times.

Right before graduation, probably in May, I was living with his grandparents (that story will be in the next paragraph), I was working at Leaps & Bounds and met a guy named Mike.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend and Jason and I weren't together, so I made another bad decision and slept with him. He was the only other person I was with, because Jason was the only one I wanted. I was actually happy, not because of the sex, but because I was able to be with somebody else. He gave me a hickey and when Jason saw it, he asked me how I could do it and said he wanted to be with me again. I told MikeI wanted to be with Jason and I went to the mountains with Jason that weekend but it didn't last (surprise). The last time I saw him, was after we graduated. He asked me to come up to the mountains, so I met him up there. Him and Scott were staying at his uncle's cabin for a little while. He slept with me and I thought everything was good, but he never called me again. I found out later, that when he returned to civilization he started dating Jenn, Patrick Mosher's ex-girlfriend and that was truly the end of our relationship.  I talked to him the following March, after JC and I were already dating and were actually in a bad place. They had apparently broken up for a bit. Nothing happened, but we did talk.  Each time he would leave and come back and leave again, took pieces of my heart that I never thought would grow back.  Besides my dad, I would say he was the #2 person who shot my self-esteem apart.

Towards the end of my 11th grade year, my mom had to move from Centreville to Manassas. By this time, we had already moved out of the townhouse and into an apartment, but she still wasn't able to afford it. Because I was about to go into the 12th grade and was on the Softball team, I wanted to stay at Centreville. Manassas was in a different county, so I would have had to pay $5,000 to live with my mom and go to school in Centreville (even though it was only about 5 or 10 miles away). The decision was made to move me back in with my dad. It was much farther away but was in the same county, and I had my own car, so I was able to drive myself to school each day. I did this from about March or April until November of my Senior year.  In November, a friend of mine, Dennis and I were in a class together. I actually think it was Saturday school because I had skipped school and went to Chantilly. Because I was a good student and was on the Softball team, they were lenient on me. While we were in that class together, we wrote notes back and forth that definitely weren't appropriate. They were all in fun and it meant nothing, but I did tear it up in millions of little pieces and put it in my trash can in my room at their house. She spent an entire day taping together three pages of these notes to read what I wrote and called my dad to tell on me. I found out about it and was pissed. That same night as I was getting ready for work at Marshalls, she sat us all down to tell us they would be moving to Remington, which was a different county again. I was in shock and still mad about the note and was not good at holding my tongue. We got into an argument and I called her a whore. She kicked me out of the house in my panty hose, with no shoes. Then preceded to take all of my stuff and throw it on the sidewalk in front of my grandparents house. She wouldn't give me my keys to my car because I still owed them about $300. Thankfully, my cousin came over and gave me a check to pay my car off. A cop was called and my dad just stared me through the door. He didn't try to take up for me or stand up to her. He let me walk out of his life like I didn't matter. It was then that Jason's/Christy's grandparents invited me to live with them. They were so good to me. They loved me like I was one of their own and after I graduated, because of the hurt of seeing Jason with Jenn, I left and never looked back. I wrote them a poem to express my gratitude to them, but I do regret how I hightailed it out of there. I think they understood, but I won't ever know for sure.

We (my dad and I) didn't talk for several years.....except for the one time I heard that he was in the hospital and I called him there, but he told me it would be better if I didn't call him again. After JC and I started dating, I wanted to try to build a relationship with him again. I sent Lynn a letter to apologize for my behavior and we started talking again.

Many times after that, my dad would continuously prove that I wasn't as important to him as her and her kids were. I doubt he even knows how much he wounded me over the years.

* Lynn and my friend Kristina were planning my baby shower. I didn't want to go without JC being there, because I don't like being the center of attention. He thrived on it. Lynn wanted it to just be women. She was mad that Kristina told me and decided not to help plan it or even come.  So we had two small ones, my cousins through one for me at my grandma's house and Kristina had one for me at work.
* When I had the twins, we would let them stay at their house. Her kids didn't have kids yet and the twins were boys...so I imagined they wanted to take them away from me. My dad called one night and heard the boys crying.  They were under 2, and babies cry from time to time. He told me that they never cried when they were at his house and how much Lynn did for them and how she gave them baths...basically she was a great mom and I wasn't because they were crying. I got off the phone and told JC I thought they were going to try to take the boys from me.
* A day or two before the boys' first birthday I had my wallet stolen from the cart at K-Mart. I left it in the cart and JC and I argued about the situation. We lived at the house with my sister and she called to tell my dad.  He called me and said he was going to get in JC's face at the party on Saturday. I told him if he did, he wouldn't be welcomed there. I didn't feel it was his business. He came to the party, but only to deliver their gifts. He sat out in the car pouting and Lynn and my sister, took my boys out to see him, without asking me.
* My mom was remarried for a short period of time, to a guy named Mike. Coincidentally, he worked in the same company with Diana, my step sister. He came home and told me one night that Diana had told their mutual boss that my kids were always dirty, hungry, and something else. I called my dad to ask about it and he swore that there was no way Diana would have said that and that me or Mike were lying. He called back the next day to apologize and say he got "in her shit" when he found out she did say it.  But the damage to my heart had already been done when he believed her over me anyway.  Years later, I would find out she was only repeating what her mother had said....which was so much worse. Diana ended up having a boy and Lynn ended up taking her to court to get grandparents rights at some point, so I honestly think I got away unscathed in that aspect, because my kids were forgotten after her son was born.
* My step-sister Missy worked for the City of Manassas Park Police Dept, where we worked. My mom applied for a dispatcher position and Missy looked at her application and went back to tell my step-mom about an arrest my mother had (that I wasn't even aware of). We only knew about this because Diana was fighting with Lynn at the time and told us. When my mom filed a complaint, the person who did the investigation was actually sleeping with Missy at the time  so it was pushed under the rug....the whole thing is laughable....I just wish all of this wasn't making me cry as I type it.  The crazy part is, it was at that time, after 20 some years, that I found out my mom was arrested because she was stealing spaghetti sauce. Apparently my dad was abusive to her when we were small (and kept it from us all those years) and he called one night to say he was bringing friends over and she needed to have dinner on the table or he would beat her ass.  She didn't have any money to buy groceries at the time, so she stole it.
* After her kids started having kids, my kids were no longer a priority. My boys know his brother, my uncle Johnny, better than they know my dad. It hurts. He sends us money every year for Christmas, and no matter how much it is, I always split it evenly 5 ways. It is the only thing my boys know about their grandfather. They have seen him a few times, and he is good to them when he sees them, but they aren't a priority. We moved to NC about 13 years ago and I feel it was a blessing, because I was able to distance myself from the hurt and loneliness.

The last thing that I want to mention is being laid off last year in May. Although I had been laid off at BBO, it wasn't the same. I had only been at BBO for a year before they went under and everybody was let go.  With Neustar, I had been working there for 16 years. The job had become who I was. By the end, I was connected to my phone 24/7. I had been working from home for 11 years, I barely got out of pajamas, and only had to go to the office in Louisville or Sterling on certain occasions. Getting laid off was a catalyst of change that happened in 2018. I lost a piece of myself and I have been withdrawing from "life" ever since. The rejections to the many applications I sent out was a blow I wasn't ready to handle. My professional life had always been pretty stable, while at times I felt my personal life was on shaky ground. I knew I could count on my work, but that was no longer stable as I ventured out into the real world again. I was hurt by people who promised me good leads before I knew about the layoff. I feel like I found out who my true friends were and I want to feel bad about pulling back and out of things I was previously involved in, but I am finding it difficult to be upset about it. I will write more about this in my next post in this series.

A few things that I have found out about myself over the past several years:
* God, my Father, was with me from day one. He knew me and what I would go through. He was always with me, even when I was making mistakes. He forgave me on the cross long before I was even born. He has forgiven my sins. He was there when my earthly father let me down and all I had to do was call on Him. I feel like he saved me from myself. He saved me from becoming a statistic, an unwed mother, from having to stay involved in Jason's life because of a mutual baby.  He saved me from so much and I have so much to be grateful for.
* I was blessed, because all of this feels hard. It felt hard as I was growing up, and as I reflect on it, it feels even harder...but I also know there is so much worse that could have happened. I could have gone in a completely different way. I could have handled things differently, but I didn't. I am truly blessed.
* My marriage hasn't been perfect. In fact there were several years at the beginning, I wasn't sure we would make it. JC was/is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank for over 10 years now and he hasn't smoked in close to 20, but he will always be an alcoholic. We have had problems. At times it was ugly, but we made a commitment and he has been faithful to me. I know he loves me and it took a little while, but I have grown to love and trust him completely. He has let me down and I am sure I have let him down at times to, but we are committed to making this life together work. I am sure there are parts of my marriage that I can reflect on, but right now, I don't think that would be helpful. It is good to know that we can mess up but still be loved.....not as unconditional as the love God gives, but it does come closer than anything I have known before.
* I am strong....but I don't know if I am strong enough to cut these feelings about my past loose. I know it is what I need to do to become a better person and restore my self-esteem. I need to build my self-confidence, especially as I try to rebuild myself professionally in a different line of work and as I head back to school for this paralegal certification. I also need to do this because my kids will all be adults in less than 2 years now. I have been a mom for almost 22 years...it will be 24 years when Jeremy graduates and turns 18 and I need to know how to handle that huge change. I am a mom and I will still be their mom, but I am learning that once they are adults, they won't need me, and then where will I be.

This post has been hard.  I didn't mean to make this as long as I did, but once I got started, I couldn't seem to stop. When I used to talk to Mr. McCarter, the school social worker in high school, I never thought I would still be dealing with these issues 25 years later. JC has told me before I need to forgive my dad...and I have, I do...but it's hard to keep forgiving over and over and over again, each time.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 32:7-8 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles

Isaiah 43:1-3 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Building Self Confidence - One Day at a Time

On April 11th, I took a course offered through my company titled Building Self Confidence.  I put this as one of my tasks for my IDP at work.  The IDP (Individual Development Plan) helps employees realize possible holes or issues and helps them to set goals to complete throughout the year.  During the time of "soul-searching" I decided that building my self-confidence is definitely something that needed to be put at the top of my list.  With that being said, I am going to try to write about some of the things that were talked about in this class.  This will probably end up being a series of blogs (truly for myself more than anybody) because there was a lot of good information that I want to be able to come back and refer to as needed.

Own Where You Are
I am here because I deserve to be here, as a result of decisions I have made.  

Every decision I have made since my parents' divorce, has led me to where I am today.  Their divorce broke me on so many levels, but the decisions I made, good or bad, are on me.  I can't blame them for any choices I made.  I have tried many times, but that doesn't do any good.  They aren't the ones hurt by my animosity or anger or sorrow.  I am the only one who still hurts over their decisions.  But if I am honest with myself, I hurt over my own decisions more.

With that being said, and as work is related, I deserve to be here.  When I got laid off a year ago, I lost a piece of myself, but more importantly, being rejected for so many jobs after being laid off, caused a hurt like I haven't felt, probably since my dad walked out on our family. I have worked hard the past 20 years, building a family and a career. I worked hard to get my degree. I have always worked hard at every job I have done. At Neustar, I knew what I was doing and I did it pretty well.  I was comfortable. I worked from home and didn't have many opportunities or requirement to come out of my shell. When Mark gave me the opportunity of this job through Bonney Staffing, it meant more to me than just a job and security; his belief in me, from just a phone interview, gave me my self-worth back. When they hired me on permanently, that was based on the work I performed from July through January.  I earned this position and I want to do everything I can to show them my appreciation for believing in me.

What are my dreams for the Next 5 years?
* Attitude
* Title
* Salary
* Responsibilities

My dreams are pretty simple.  I want to be in a long-term job with job security and financial stability so we aren't living paycheck to paycheck. I want to work hard over the next 5 years to pay off excess debt so as the boys begin to move out, we can make ends meet without getting rent from them.

I want my attitude to be in a better place than I am today.  I can't really explain how I am feeling right now, today.  I have been sliding down a slippery slope for the past year. When I take a step forward, I fall a few steps back.  I like being in my house. I feel safe here. I can't let anybody hurt me here...I don't mean physically. Mentally, I just want to be alone.  I don't know what that will look like in 5 years, but I do know, I want to be taking better care of myself and I want to do my crafts.  I want to finish items on my to do list without procrastinating.  I want to be more self-confident in myself as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, an employee. I want to be a better person than I am today.

I would love to still have the same title that I have now at Retail Business Services, but I know this is a fast moving industry and the chances are unlikely.  Things change quickly and often. I do know that I am excited to get through the next 6 months of classes at UNCC to get my paralegal certificate.  Then next year I will sit for the exam and hopefully be able to add NCCP (NC Certified Paralegal) to my signature.  I start school on June 6th. I am nervous but I am hopeful.

I want to have a salary that will cover our bills. I don't want to have to worry about which bill can or can't be paid each month. I would like to be able to continue to get raises in this position. I feel that getting my paralegal and working hard will help with this, but I know as well, that I need to work on getting my debt paid down. I need to work hard and chip away at each of these debts one at a time.

As far as responsibilities, I would like to continue to learn more about the job I am doing with contracts and if I am still in this job in 5 years, have more responsibilities so that Belinda (my manager) can rely on me for help with redlining and negotiating contracts. I want enough work and responsibility to keep me busy and earning my salary.

STOP INVESTING IN NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!!
This one will be hard for me.  I am around a lot of negativity in my personal and professional life.  I can choose to focus on the negative or I can choose to be more positive in everything I do and say.  Just because there is negativity around me, that doesn't mean I have to live in it or react to it and act in the same way.

I am going to skip the next issue that they addressed for a bit, because that will take a while.  I believe I will write a separate blog for that....it will be long and messy.  It is about dealing with my past.  I have known for a long time I need to let it go....but knowing and doing are two very different things.  I will dive into the issues that I feel caused my lack of self-confidence soon, just not today.

Helping & Volunteering
* Building confidence in others helps build confidence in yourself

Back in January, I signed up to volunteer at Rowan Helping Ministry.  This organization is amazing.  There are so many programs and ways that they help the people of Rowan County.  It amazes me how much good they do for our community.  They have the homeless shelter, the food pantry, clothing closet, food for kids in the area schools, they prepare and feed hundreds of people every day for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  Most of the work that they do is done by volunteers.  Most of the jobs are done during the day while I am working.  I have volunteered several times in the food pantry and I love doing it, but I also need to work to support my family. I don't have the time to give, but I try.  We have also helped as a team to prep a meal on one occasion and as an RBS Cares program, we did landscaping and made pallets of USDA items to be used in the food pantry. They call me almost every week and I hate having to tell them no, but I did promise at least 2 hours each month, that is the best I can do for now.  I love interacting with the people and pulling the orders.  It is good exercise and I believe it is truly helping people in the community feed their families.  There are a couple of issues that I see, but this isn't the time or place to discuss that.  I feel like it is a good thing and that is all that matters.

Before 2018, I was heavily involved at our church.  I helped for a couple of years in Awana, as a youth leader, I took pictures, I helped at the retirement homes, and at the Lebedz Apartments, I scheduled almost-monthly game nights for the women, I was on the women's ministry team, I lead up groups for Operation in as Much for several years, and even led the registration team for Give a Kid a Chance many years as well.  As much as I don't like leading or being in the front of people, doing this was different. I felt empowered and I can only attribute that to God...because if it was just me, I wouldn't have done any of it.

For the most part it was great. There were some let downs....mainly because we are all human, but it was good.  Things have changed and right now, I haven't really even been going to the weekly service.  This is a ME thing....this isn't anybody else.  Now that I am in Salisbury/Rowan County, I truly believe I need to focus on people in this community, but I haven't found my place yet...and honestly I haven't really looked.  I am at a crossroads and I need to make a decision....but I don't.  I would like to say I am working on it...but I'm not really. I have identified it...now to decide how to handle it.  Honestly, what I have been finding out about myself in recent days, is that I was at home working for 11 years. I loved getting out and doing stuff because it got me out of the house.  Now that I have reentered the working world, when I get home, I don't want to leave again. I love my little piece of land and my house and I just want to be here.  That sounds selfish as I am talking about helping and volunteering...but I am just trying to be completely honest.  I hope one day to get back to helping more...but for now, I am doing the best I can.

I am going to end this now since it is getting long-winded.  I will be back soon to discuss the following sections of the class:
* Dealing with your Past
* Small Wins & Small Rewards
* Removing Negativity from your Life
* Visualizing Success
* Planning for Failure
* Assessing your Progress
* Accelerating the Process
* Celebrating You

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV / 235 helpful votes

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 191 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 190 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.