Building Self Confidence - One Day at a Time

On April 11th, I took a course offered through my company titled Building Self Confidence.  I put this as one of my tasks for my IDP at work.  The IDP (Individual Development Plan) helps employees realize possible holes or issues and helps them to set goals to complete throughout the year.  During the time of "soul-searching" I decided that building my self-confidence is definitely something that needed to be put at the top of my list.  With that being said, I am going to try to write about some of the things that were talked about in this class.  This will probably end up being a series of blogs (truly for myself more than anybody) because there was a lot of good information that I want to be able to come back and refer to as needed.

Own Where You Are
I am here because I deserve to be here, as a result of decisions I have made.  

Every decision I have made since my parents' divorce, has led me to where I am today.  Their divorce broke me on so many levels, but the decisions I made, good or bad, are on me.  I can't blame them for any choices I made.  I have tried many times, but that doesn't do any good.  They aren't the ones hurt by my animosity or anger or sorrow.  I am the only one who still hurts over their decisions.  But if I am honest with myself, I hurt over my own decisions more.

With that being said, and as work is related, I deserve to be here.  When I got laid off a year ago, I lost a piece of myself, but more importantly, being rejected for so many jobs after being laid off, caused a hurt like I haven't felt, probably since my dad walked out on our family. I have worked hard the past 20 years, building a family and a career. I worked hard to get my degree. I have always worked hard at every job I have done. At Neustar, I knew what I was doing and I did it pretty well.  I was comfortable. I worked from home and didn't have many opportunities or requirement to come out of my shell. When Mark gave me the opportunity of this job through Bonney Staffing, it meant more to me than just a job and security; his belief in me, from just a phone interview, gave me my self-worth back. When they hired me on permanently, that was based on the work I performed from July through January.  I earned this position and I want to do everything I can to show them my appreciation for believing in me.

What are my dreams for the Next 5 years?
* Attitude
* Title
* Salary
* Responsibilities

My dreams are pretty simple.  I want to be in a long-term job with job security and financial stability so we aren't living paycheck to paycheck. I want to work hard over the next 5 years to pay off excess debt so as the boys begin to move out, we can make ends meet without getting rent from them.

I want my attitude to be in a better place than I am today.  I can't really explain how I am feeling right now, today.  I have been sliding down a slippery slope for the past year. When I take a step forward, I fall a few steps back.  I like being in my house. I feel safe here. I can't let anybody hurt me here...I don't mean physically. Mentally, I just want to be alone.  I don't know what that will look like in 5 years, but I do know, I want to be taking better care of myself and I want to do my crafts.  I want to finish items on my to do list without procrastinating.  I want to be more self-confident in myself as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, an employee. I want to be a better person than I am today.

I would love to still have the same title that I have now at Retail Business Services, but I know this is a fast moving industry and the chances are unlikely.  Things change quickly and often. I do know that I am excited to get through the next 6 months of classes at UNCC to get my paralegal certificate.  Then next year I will sit for the exam and hopefully be able to add NCCP (NC Certified Paralegal) to my signature.  I start school on June 6th. I am nervous but I am hopeful.

I want to have a salary that will cover our bills. I don't want to have to worry about which bill can or can't be paid each month. I would like to be able to continue to get raises in this position. I feel that getting my paralegal and working hard will help with this, but I know as well, that I need to work on getting my debt paid down. I need to work hard and chip away at each of these debts one at a time.

As far as responsibilities, I would like to continue to learn more about the job I am doing with contracts and if I am still in this job in 5 years, have more responsibilities so that Belinda (my manager) can rely on me for help with redlining and negotiating contracts. I want enough work and responsibility to keep me busy and earning my salary.

STOP INVESTING IN NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!!
This one will be hard for me.  I am around a lot of negativity in my personal and professional life.  I can choose to focus on the negative or I can choose to be more positive in everything I do and say.  Just because there is negativity around me, that doesn't mean I have to live in it or react to it and act in the same way.

I am going to skip the next issue that they addressed for a bit, because that will take a while.  I believe I will write a separate blog for that....it will be long and messy.  It is about dealing with my past.  I have known for a long time I need to let it go....but knowing and doing are two very different things.  I will dive into the issues that I feel caused my lack of self-confidence soon, just not today.

Helping & Volunteering
* Building confidence in others helps build confidence in yourself

Back in January, I signed up to volunteer at Rowan Helping Ministry.  This organization is amazing.  There are so many programs and ways that they help the people of Rowan County.  It amazes me how much good they do for our community.  They have the homeless shelter, the food pantry, clothing closet, food for kids in the area schools, they prepare and feed hundreds of people every day for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  Most of the work that they do is done by volunteers.  Most of the jobs are done during the day while I am working.  I have volunteered several times in the food pantry and I love doing it, but I also need to work to support my family. I don't have the time to give, but I try.  We have also helped as a team to prep a meal on one occasion and as an RBS Cares program, we did landscaping and made pallets of USDA items to be used in the food pantry. They call me almost every week and I hate having to tell them no, but I did promise at least 2 hours each month, that is the best I can do for now.  I love interacting with the people and pulling the orders.  It is good exercise and I believe it is truly helping people in the community feed their families.  There are a couple of issues that I see, but this isn't the time or place to discuss that.  I feel like it is a good thing and that is all that matters.

Before 2018, I was heavily involved at our church.  I helped for a couple of years in Awana, as a youth leader, I took pictures, I helped at the retirement homes, and at the Lebedz Apartments, I scheduled almost-monthly game nights for the women, I was on the women's ministry team, I lead up groups for Operation in as Much for several years, and even led the registration team for Give a Kid a Chance many years as well.  As much as I don't like leading or being in the front of people, doing this was different. I felt empowered and I can only attribute that to God...because if it was just me, I wouldn't have done any of it.

For the most part it was great. There were some let downs....mainly because we are all human, but it was good.  Things have changed and right now, I haven't really even been going to the weekly service.  This is a ME thing....this isn't anybody else.  Now that I am in Salisbury/Rowan County, I truly believe I need to focus on people in this community, but I haven't found my place yet...and honestly I haven't really looked.  I am at a crossroads and I need to make a decision....but I don't.  I would like to say I am working on it...but I'm not really. I have identified it...now to decide how to handle it.  Honestly, what I have been finding out about myself in recent days, is that I was at home working for 11 years. I loved getting out and doing stuff because it got me out of the house.  Now that I have reentered the working world, when I get home, I don't want to leave again. I love my little piece of land and my house and I just want to be here.  That sounds selfish as I am talking about helping and volunteering...but I am just trying to be completely honest.  I hope one day to get back to helping more...but for now, I am doing the best I can.

I am going to end this now since it is getting long-winded.  I will be back soon to discuss the following sections of the class:
* Dealing with your Past
* Small Wins & Small Rewards
* Removing Negativity from your Life
* Visualizing Success
* Planning for Failure
* Assessing your Progress
* Accelerating the Process
* Celebrating You

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV / 235 helpful votes

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 191 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 190 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.