Building Self Confidence - Part 2

Deal With Your Past
* Face the Monster
* Write about and talk about it
* Articulate People, Place, Events that led to lack of Self Confidence
     * DO THESE REALLY MATTER?
* Talk to 1 close confidant about what you wrote about
* This will help you learn about your past and help you cut it loose

Well - these are definitely loaded prompts. This post could probably go on for days!!! But I am going to try to reign it in and focus on the most important.

I guess the number one person who helped kick my self-esteem and self-confidence to the curb, would be my father.  To understand how or why, I guess I would have to start at the beginning.

I am the third girl of three kids. My dad had a vasectomy while my mom was pregnant with me and I don't know if that decision was made before or after they learned (incorrectly) that I was going to be a boy...or if they never found out and just wanted me to be a girl...either way, it was always known that my dad wanted a boy and I guess I was the closest thing he would get.  They nick-named me Bobbie as a result and I was my dad's shadow.  I don't want to say I was his favorite, because I guess even back then I realized that Kim, as the oldest, was his favorite, but I was his side-kick for as long as I could remember.  If he was in the garden, I was too.  If I wasn't at my grandparents learning to read from my Pappy, or at Johnny and Gussies' swimming, or on the softball field (where my dad usually was as well), I was with my dad.  We lived in a quiet neighborhood in Vienna for the first 10 years of my life.  Life seemed perfect to me, but there was a lot I didn't know at the time.  I wasn't a boy, but I was enough of of tom-boy that I thought it was enough.  I am guessing I never was.

Around the time I was 10 or 11, we moved to a bigger house in DunnLoring.  Shortly after that, we stopped going to the church/school Grace Lutheran because they gave him an ultimatum.  He had to pick the church or his Masons group he was in.  My mom was also in Eastern Stars, and my sisters were Rainbow Girls.  I wasn't old enough yet, or I assume I would have been in it as well.  My dad chose Masons, so it was at that point we started in Public schools.  I was in the 5th grade.

Sometime between 5th and 6th grade, out of nowhere my parents were separated. I was told many stories, including that it was our fault because we wouldn't keep the house clean.   Ultimately, it would come out that my dad was seeing his ex-girlfriend from high school.  He would end up divorcing my mom and marrying her.  She had a son, who was my age, so I assume on some aspect, I thought he was able to finally get his boy.  I don't hold any animosity towards Gene.  He is a great person, he was part of me staying sane back then. He was a good guy then and although I don't ever talk to him, I do see him on Facebook from time to time, and it looks like he is still a good guy.

I always said I would write about the lies, manipulation, sneaking around, and things I walked in on that I should never have seen or heard, but today is not that day.  I know in my heart of hearts that nothing is ever completely private, so until a different time, those things will have to stay deep in my heart and my soul.  Nothing good can come from shedding light on those things.  I can say though that is a big reason I dislike lies so much and why I fight so hard to keep my marriage.

In 5th grade, I had the best teacher ever. Maybe I loved her so much because she was a beacon in the darkness (starting public school after being in a small private school for so long). One day she got mad at a boy and threw his book in the trash. When everybody left for recess, I pulled it out. When we all came back inside, she asked who had done it and nobody admitted it....and why would they when it was me who did it? But I was too scared to take the blame....that feeling of guilt never left me....so as hard as it is to accept that I am not perfect, I have no problem speaking up when I make a mistake. I think I still tell myself small white lies but as a rule, I try not to do that to others. Even doing it to myself makes me feel sick to my stomach.

In 6th grade, I bought a dress for a dance but chickened out. I never went and nobody made me go. I was the only person in the 6th grade who didn't go. I don't know why or remember my thought process but I assume it was uncomfortable to act like a girl since I was such a big tom-boy. I know by this time, I was already having issues with self-assurance and my self-esteem was shot. Each day that went by without my dad, seemed to reiterate that I wasn't enough.  After my dad left, I felt very alone. My mom and my grandmother each had one of my sisters and then there was me.  It was also at this time that my period started. I never told my mom. I would just take her products from under her sink. As far as I know she never knew....because I overheard her once telling my dad's cousin that she thought Sandi would be the first to start because Kim was so late in starting hers.  Little did they know that I had already started. It is strange that I was the youngest and started first, but it's one of those things that happens.

Every Christmas, her kids would have piles and piles of gifts under the Christmas tree. Material things don't really mean a lot to me, but it always felt like a knife being stuck in my heart. One year I think he gave us three girls bowling balls. Another year we each got a ring. For Easter one year, I got a bunny and yes I still have it to this day. I wanted my dad, but I wanted all of him, and not just the piece that she allowed him to give.

At the end of 8th grade, my parents switched houses. My mom couldn't afford the house in DunnLoring anymore. Although others would say differently, my dad never paid child support. He helped with softball tournament fees or if there was a need, but he didn't pay a monthly payment. I think my mom thought by not making him pay, there was a chance he would come back to us.  I don't know what she was thinking, but she was working two jobs to make ends meet and they weren't meeting.  So they came up with the idea of changing houses. At that time, they lived in a small townhouse in Centreville. We moved into that and they moved into our house.  Each of her kids got to paint their room a special color that they picked out. Why I remember that detail so many years later is beyond me, but I feel like it was just another way to show we weren't worthy. Moving from DunnLoring to Centreville was a huge deal. It was the same county (which will be important in a bit) but it was far away from the few friends I had. I tried to stay with my dad and his "new" family for  a bit at the beginning of 9th grade, but that didn't last long and soon I transferred up to Centreville High School. I think I went just a month or two to Marshall.

At Centreville everybody already knew each other as they had been going to school together their whole life. I went to Homecoming with Jason in 9th grade, and fell head over heels in love with him. It wasn't love for him at that time, or probably ever, but I was infatuated. I am not even sure how I met him, Kevin, and Scott; it may have been through Gene, but honestly and surprisingly, I can't remember.  Looking back I can see that I latched on to the first person who showed me attention. I was looking for the love to replace the love I lost when my dad walked out on us. 

Every decision I would make over the next 4 years had everything to do with him. I gave him my heart, I gave him my virginity, I gave him everything and time after time after time, he through it back in my face. I wouldn't eat in front of him because I thought I was fat, so when my mom took me out to eat, I would usually give my food to him. He stole money from my mom, and I denied it. I accused her of not wanting me to be happy. He stole (or lost) my class ring, I still don't know where or how, but his mom did have that replaced. He kissed my friend Michele and asked her out for a bowling date. He started talking to my friend Kim (we weren't friends at the time) and I guess he ghosted me for awhile before she found out about me and kicked him to the curb. We became friends after that. Every chance we got, we would have sex. Usually he would come over and then leave shortly after with the excuse that he didn't want to get in trouble with his mom.

There was a short period when I felt like he truly cared about me. He made me laugh, he made me think we would be together forever. I was a stupid, stupid kid with dreams that would never come true. At the beginning of our "relationship" he would tell me names of girls that he wanted me to try to set him up with. He tried to push me off on Scott during the summer after 9th grade, saying Scott liked me. Scott was one of my best friends...but that changed later during one of the times me and Jason were apart. He definitely chose Jason to stay best friends with and once again I was out in the cold. We were on again and off again throughout high school and by the end of our relationship, I would find out that he cheated on me 7 times.

Right before graduation, probably in May, I was living with his grandparents (that story will be in the next paragraph), I was working at Leaps & Bounds and met a guy named Mike.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend and Jason and I weren't together, so I made another bad decision and slept with him. He was the only other person I was with, because Jason was the only one I wanted. I was actually happy, not because of the sex, but because I was able to be with somebody else. He gave me a hickey and when Jason saw it, he asked me how I could do it and said he wanted to be with me again. I told MikeI wanted to be with Jason and I went to the mountains with Jason that weekend but it didn't last (surprise). The last time I saw him, was after we graduated. He asked me to come up to the mountains, so I met him up there. Him and Scott were staying at his uncle's cabin for a little while. He slept with me and I thought everything was good, but he never called me again. I found out later, that when he returned to civilization he started dating Jenn, Patrick Mosher's ex-girlfriend and that was truly the end of our relationship.  I talked to him the following March, after JC and I were already dating and were actually in a bad place. They had apparently broken up for a bit. Nothing happened, but we did talk.  Each time he would leave and come back and leave again, took pieces of my heart that I never thought would grow back.  Besides my dad, I would say he was the #2 person who shot my self-esteem apart.

Towards the end of my 11th grade year, my mom had to move from Centreville to Manassas. By this time, we had already moved out of the townhouse and into an apartment, but she still wasn't able to afford it. Because I was about to go into the 12th grade and was on the Softball team, I wanted to stay at Centreville. Manassas was in a different county, so I would have had to pay $5,000 to live with my mom and go to school in Centreville (even though it was only about 5 or 10 miles away). The decision was made to move me back in with my dad. It was much farther away but was in the same county, and I had my own car, so I was able to drive myself to school each day. I did this from about March or April until November of my Senior year.  In November, a friend of mine, Dennis and I were in a class together. I actually think it was Saturday school because I had skipped school and went to Chantilly. Because I was a good student and was on the Softball team, they were lenient on me. While we were in that class together, we wrote notes back and forth that definitely weren't appropriate. They were all in fun and it meant nothing, but I did tear it up in millions of little pieces and put it in my trash can in my room at their house. She spent an entire day taping together three pages of these notes to read what I wrote and called my dad to tell on me. I found out about it and was pissed. That same night as I was getting ready for work at Marshalls, she sat us all down to tell us they would be moving to Remington, which was a different county again. I was in shock and still mad about the note and was not good at holding my tongue. We got into an argument and I called her a whore. She kicked me out of the house in my panty hose, with no shoes. Then preceded to take all of my stuff and throw it on the sidewalk in front of my grandparents house. She wouldn't give me my keys to my car because I still owed them about $300. Thankfully, my cousin came over and gave me a check to pay my car off. A cop was called and my dad just stared me through the door. He didn't try to take up for me or stand up to her. He let me walk out of his life like I didn't matter. It was then that Jason's/Christy's grandparents invited me to live with them. They were so good to me. They loved me like I was one of their own and after I graduated, because of the hurt of seeing Jason with Jenn, I left and never looked back. I wrote them a poem to express my gratitude to them, but I do regret how I hightailed it out of there. I think they understood, but I won't ever know for sure.

We (my dad and I) didn't talk for several years.....except for the one time I heard that he was in the hospital and I called him there, but he told me it would be better if I didn't call him again. After JC and I started dating, I wanted to try to build a relationship with him again. I sent Lynn a letter to apologize for my behavior and we started talking again.

Many times after that, my dad would continuously prove that I wasn't as important to him as her and her kids were. I doubt he even knows how much he wounded me over the years.

* Lynn and my friend Kristina were planning my baby shower. I didn't want to go without JC being there, because I don't like being the center of attention. He thrived on it. Lynn wanted it to just be women. She was mad that Kristina told me and decided not to help plan it or even come.  So we had two small ones, my cousins through one for me at my grandma's house and Kristina had one for me at work.
* When I had the twins, we would let them stay at their house. Her kids didn't have kids yet and the twins were boys...so I imagined they wanted to take them away from me. My dad called one night and heard the boys crying.  They were under 2, and babies cry from time to time. He told me that they never cried when they were at his house and how much Lynn did for them and how she gave them baths...basically she was a great mom and I wasn't because they were crying. I got off the phone and told JC I thought they were going to try to take the boys from me.
* A day or two before the boys' first birthday I had my wallet stolen from the cart at K-Mart. I left it in the cart and JC and I argued about the situation. We lived at the house with my sister and she called to tell my dad.  He called me and said he was going to get in JC's face at the party on Saturday. I told him if he did, he wouldn't be welcomed there. I didn't feel it was his business. He came to the party, but only to deliver their gifts. He sat out in the car pouting and Lynn and my sister, took my boys out to see him, without asking me.
* My mom was remarried for a short period of time, to a guy named Mike. Coincidentally, he worked in the same company with Diana, my step sister. He came home and told me one night that Diana had told their mutual boss that my kids were always dirty, hungry, and something else. I called my dad to ask about it and he swore that there was no way Diana would have said that and that me or Mike were lying. He called back the next day to apologize and say he got "in her shit" when he found out she did say it.  But the damage to my heart had already been done when he believed her over me anyway.  Years later, I would find out she was only repeating what her mother had said....which was so much worse. Diana ended up having a boy and Lynn ended up taking her to court to get grandparents rights at some point, so I honestly think I got away unscathed in that aspect, because my kids were forgotten after her son was born.
* My step-sister Missy worked for the City of Manassas Park Police Dept, where we worked. My mom applied for a dispatcher position and Missy looked at her application and went back to tell my step-mom about an arrest my mother had (that I wasn't even aware of). We only knew about this because Diana was fighting with Lynn at the time and told us. When my mom filed a complaint, the person who did the investigation was actually sleeping with Missy at the time  so it was pushed under the rug....the whole thing is laughable....I just wish all of this wasn't making me cry as I type it.  The crazy part is, it was at that time, after 20 some years, that I found out my mom was arrested because she was stealing spaghetti sauce. Apparently my dad was abusive to her when we were small (and kept it from us all those years) and he called one night to say he was bringing friends over and she needed to have dinner on the table or he would beat her ass.  She didn't have any money to buy groceries at the time, so she stole it.
* After her kids started having kids, my kids were no longer a priority. My boys know his brother, my uncle Johnny, better than they know my dad. It hurts. He sends us money every year for Christmas, and no matter how much it is, I always split it evenly 5 ways. It is the only thing my boys know about their grandfather. They have seen him a few times, and he is good to them when he sees them, but they aren't a priority. We moved to NC about 13 years ago and I feel it was a blessing, because I was able to distance myself from the hurt and loneliness.

The last thing that I want to mention is being laid off last year in May. Although I had been laid off at BBO, it wasn't the same. I had only been at BBO for a year before they went under and everybody was let go.  With Neustar, I had been working there for 16 years. The job had become who I was. By the end, I was connected to my phone 24/7. I had been working from home for 11 years, I barely got out of pajamas, and only had to go to the office in Louisville or Sterling on certain occasions. Getting laid off was a catalyst of change that happened in 2018. I lost a piece of myself and I have been withdrawing from "life" ever since. The rejections to the many applications I sent out was a blow I wasn't ready to handle. My professional life had always been pretty stable, while at times I felt my personal life was on shaky ground. I knew I could count on my work, but that was no longer stable as I ventured out into the real world again. I was hurt by people who promised me good leads before I knew about the layoff. I feel like I found out who my true friends were and I want to feel bad about pulling back and out of things I was previously involved in, but I am finding it difficult to be upset about it. I will write more about this in my next post in this series.

A few things that I have found out about myself over the past several years:
* God, my Father, was with me from day one. He knew me and what I would go through. He was always with me, even when I was making mistakes. He forgave me on the cross long before I was even born. He has forgiven my sins. He was there when my earthly father let me down and all I had to do was call on Him. I feel like he saved me from myself. He saved me from becoming a statistic, an unwed mother, from having to stay involved in Jason's life because of a mutual baby.  He saved me from so much and I have so much to be grateful for.
* I was blessed, because all of this feels hard. It felt hard as I was growing up, and as I reflect on it, it feels even harder...but I also know there is so much worse that could have happened. I could have gone in a completely different way. I could have handled things differently, but I didn't. I am truly blessed.
* My marriage hasn't been perfect. In fact there were several years at the beginning, I wasn't sure we would make it. JC was/is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank for over 10 years now and he hasn't smoked in close to 20, but he will always be an alcoholic. We have had problems. At times it was ugly, but we made a commitment and he has been faithful to me. I know he loves me and it took a little while, but I have grown to love and trust him completely. He has let me down and I am sure I have let him down at times to, but we are committed to making this life together work. I am sure there are parts of my marriage that I can reflect on, but right now, I don't think that would be helpful. It is good to know that we can mess up but still be loved.....not as unconditional as the love God gives, but it does come closer than anything I have known before.
* I am strong....but I don't know if I am strong enough to cut these feelings about my past loose. I know it is what I need to do to become a better person and restore my self-esteem. I need to build my self-confidence, especially as I try to rebuild myself professionally in a different line of work and as I head back to school for this paralegal certification. I also need to do this because my kids will all be adults in less than 2 years now. I have been a mom for almost 22 years...it will be 24 years when Jeremy graduates and turns 18 and I need to know how to handle that huge change. I am a mom and I will still be their mom, but I am learning that once they are adults, they won't need me, and then where will I be.

This post has been hard.  I didn't mean to make this as long as I did, but once I got started, I couldn't seem to stop. When I used to talk to Mr. McCarter, the school social worker in high school, I never thought I would still be dealing with these issues 25 years later. JC has told me before I need to forgive my dad...and I have, I do...but it's hard to keep forgiving over and over and over again, each time.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 32:7-8 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles

Isaiah 43:1-3 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Building Self Confidence - One Day at a Time

On April 11th, I took a course offered through my company titled Building Self Confidence.  I put this as one of my tasks for my IDP at work.  The IDP (Individual Development Plan) helps employees realize possible holes or issues and helps them to set goals to complete throughout the year.  During the time of "soul-searching" I decided that building my self-confidence is definitely something that needed to be put at the top of my list.  With that being said, I am going to try to write about some of the things that were talked about in this class.  This will probably end up being a series of blogs (truly for myself more than anybody) because there was a lot of good information that I want to be able to come back and refer to as needed.

Own Where You Are
I am here because I deserve to be here, as a result of decisions I have made.  

Every decision I have made since my parents' divorce, has led me to where I am today.  Their divorce broke me on so many levels, but the decisions I made, good or bad, are on me.  I can't blame them for any choices I made.  I have tried many times, but that doesn't do any good.  They aren't the ones hurt by my animosity or anger or sorrow.  I am the only one who still hurts over their decisions.  But if I am honest with myself, I hurt over my own decisions more.

With that being said, and as work is related, I deserve to be here.  When I got laid off a year ago, I lost a piece of myself, but more importantly, being rejected for so many jobs after being laid off, caused a hurt like I haven't felt, probably since my dad walked out on our family. I have worked hard the past 20 years, building a family and a career. I worked hard to get my degree. I have always worked hard at every job I have done. At Neustar, I knew what I was doing and I did it pretty well.  I was comfortable. I worked from home and didn't have many opportunities or requirement to come out of my shell. When Mark gave me the opportunity of this job through Bonney Staffing, it meant more to me than just a job and security; his belief in me, from just a phone interview, gave me my self-worth back. When they hired me on permanently, that was based on the work I performed from July through January.  I earned this position and I want to do everything I can to show them my appreciation for believing in me.

What are my dreams for the Next 5 years?
* Attitude
* Title
* Salary
* Responsibilities

My dreams are pretty simple.  I want to be in a long-term job with job security and financial stability so we aren't living paycheck to paycheck. I want to work hard over the next 5 years to pay off excess debt so as the boys begin to move out, we can make ends meet without getting rent from them.

I want my attitude to be in a better place than I am today.  I can't really explain how I am feeling right now, today.  I have been sliding down a slippery slope for the past year. When I take a step forward, I fall a few steps back.  I like being in my house. I feel safe here. I can't let anybody hurt me here...I don't mean physically. Mentally, I just want to be alone.  I don't know what that will look like in 5 years, but I do know, I want to be taking better care of myself and I want to do my crafts.  I want to finish items on my to do list without procrastinating.  I want to be more self-confident in myself as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, an employee. I want to be a better person than I am today.

I would love to still have the same title that I have now at Retail Business Services, but I know this is a fast moving industry and the chances are unlikely.  Things change quickly and often. I do know that I am excited to get through the next 6 months of classes at UNCC to get my paralegal certificate.  Then next year I will sit for the exam and hopefully be able to add NCCP (NC Certified Paralegal) to my signature.  I start school on June 6th. I am nervous but I am hopeful.

I want to have a salary that will cover our bills. I don't want to have to worry about which bill can or can't be paid each month. I would like to be able to continue to get raises in this position. I feel that getting my paralegal and working hard will help with this, but I know as well, that I need to work on getting my debt paid down. I need to work hard and chip away at each of these debts one at a time.

As far as responsibilities, I would like to continue to learn more about the job I am doing with contracts and if I am still in this job in 5 years, have more responsibilities so that Belinda (my manager) can rely on me for help with redlining and negotiating contracts. I want enough work and responsibility to keep me busy and earning my salary.

STOP INVESTING IN NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!!
This one will be hard for me.  I am around a lot of negativity in my personal and professional life.  I can choose to focus on the negative or I can choose to be more positive in everything I do and say.  Just because there is negativity around me, that doesn't mean I have to live in it or react to it and act in the same way.

I am going to skip the next issue that they addressed for a bit, because that will take a while.  I believe I will write a separate blog for that....it will be long and messy.  It is about dealing with my past.  I have known for a long time I need to let it go....but knowing and doing are two very different things.  I will dive into the issues that I feel caused my lack of self-confidence soon, just not today.

Helping & Volunteering
* Building confidence in others helps build confidence in yourself

Back in January, I signed up to volunteer at Rowan Helping Ministry.  This organization is amazing.  There are so many programs and ways that they help the people of Rowan County.  It amazes me how much good they do for our community.  They have the homeless shelter, the food pantry, clothing closet, food for kids in the area schools, they prepare and feed hundreds of people every day for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  Most of the work that they do is done by volunteers.  Most of the jobs are done during the day while I am working.  I have volunteered several times in the food pantry and I love doing it, but I also need to work to support my family. I don't have the time to give, but I try.  We have also helped as a team to prep a meal on one occasion and as an RBS Cares program, we did landscaping and made pallets of USDA items to be used in the food pantry. They call me almost every week and I hate having to tell them no, but I did promise at least 2 hours each month, that is the best I can do for now.  I love interacting with the people and pulling the orders.  It is good exercise and I believe it is truly helping people in the community feed their families.  There are a couple of issues that I see, but this isn't the time or place to discuss that.  I feel like it is a good thing and that is all that matters.

Before 2018, I was heavily involved at our church.  I helped for a couple of years in Awana, as a youth leader, I took pictures, I helped at the retirement homes, and at the Lebedz Apartments, I scheduled almost-monthly game nights for the women, I was on the women's ministry team, I lead up groups for Operation in as Much for several years, and even led the registration team for Give a Kid a Chance many years as well.  As much as I don't like leading or being in the front of people, doing this was different. I felt empowered and I can only attribute that to God...because if it was just me, I wouldn't have done any of it.

For the most part it was great. There were some let downs....mainly because we are all human, but it was good.  Things have changed and right now, I haven't really even been going to the weekly service.  This is a ME thing....this isn't anybody else.  Now that I am in Salisbury/Rowan County, I truly believe I need to focus on people in this community, but I haven't found my place yet...and honestly I haven't really looked.  I am at a crossroads and I need to make a decision....but I don't.  I would like to say I am working on it...but I'm not really. I have identified it...now to decide how to handle it.  Honestly, what I have been finding out about myself in recent days, is that I was at home working for 11 years. I loved getting out and doing stuff because it got me out of the house.  Now that I have reentered the working world, when I get home, I don't want to leave again. I love my little piece of land and my house and I just want to be here.  That sounds selfish as I am talking about helping and volunteering...but I am just trying to be completely honest.  I hope one day to get back to helping more...but for now, I am doing the best I can.

I am going to end this now since it is getting long-winded.  I will be back soon to discuss the following sections of the class:
* Dealing with your Past
* Small Wins & Small Rewards
* Removing Negativity from your Life
* Visualizing Success
* Planning for Failure
* Assessing your Progress
* Accelerating the Process
* Celebrating You

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV / 235 helpful votes

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 191 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 190 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Not so Great at Change

Well, here it is the beginning of May, and lo and behold, this is my first post of 2019.

So much has happened this year, it is hard to believe and even harder to believe that 5 months have passed.  I make TO DO lists, including blogging, but I never do it.  I am forcing myself to do it tonight.  I have been in a fog or a funk, and honestly, I think it truly started back in October when Hemi died.  It is crazy that a cat affected my life so much.  The last post I made, I mentioned that I didn't cry as much as I did with Krissie and that concerned me, but I just kept going through the motions.  Everything will be fine one minute and then the next, I remember and my heart breaks all over again.  Just yesterday, in the car, I heard a sound, as gross as it sounds, it reminded me of Hemi throwing up, and then I saw, in my head, a slow motion video of him being put to sleep.  I was coming back from lunch, so I quickly pulled myself together and finished out my day.   I miss him something fierce.  He truly was like a best friend. He loved me unconditionally like nothing ever has before.  I hope one day soon to be able to accept the fact that he is truly gone and maybe I will even remove the reminder about giving him his medicine. It helps to remember this verse....I have to believe that God loves animals as much as he loves people. I know the tears I shed for Hemi don't go unnoticed by God and that one day He, Himself, will wipe away the tears from my eyes. Oh what a glorious day!

Revelation 21:4

and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

So with that being said, let me explain about the rest of the year.  In January, I applied for a Contracts position in the same group that I was previously working in as a temporary contractor, and I was offered the position.  I have been working as a full time employee with Retail Business Services since February 4, 2019.  Shortly before I started, I put in my notice at Michael's as well.  They were asking me to do something I didn't believe in, so I made the choice not to stay.  This has been good and bad at times.  Good because I have more time with my family, but bad because financially, it was helping.  We are just getting by and I am learning how to Rob Peter to pay Paul for now. I hope that things are looking up now with a few changes that are coming up.

During my interview, I was asked how I felt I dealt with change (at least I think it was during the interview, somethings just roll together in my brain...lol).  I answered honestly and said I am better than I used to be....I thought that was an honest answer, but I have since come to realize that I am not doing such a great job dealing with personal change.  I have taken the changes in my position in stride and I think I am handling that pretty well, but the rest of my life, seems to be one change after another, and I am just trying to keep up.  I hope to write some more about how changes affected me when I was younger in some upcoming posts, but that is going to take me out of my comfort zone that I have created for myself.  I like relying only on myself...but it isn't working for me.  I know that I know that I know, that Jesus is who I need to rely on to help me in everything I say and do.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

I have been so blessed for the past 10 years to have JC at home as a stay-at-home dad.  He has taken care of everything.  He does the laundry, and the mowing, and cooks dinner more times than not.  He drove the boys and still drives Jeremy back and forth everywhere he needs to go.  He has been helping me in so many ways and I am so grateful.  It is time that he goes back to work now and I realize how much change is coming our way.  It is a good change and we will make it work.  I think this will be good for him and I want to do everything I can to make it work here at home while still working my job. 

In addition to this change, I am also going back to school.  I said I would never go back again, but after being laid off and during my job search, I quickly realized that the Masters Degree that I owe so much for, really doesn't help.  I have truly enjoyed working with contracts...I know...crazy right?? For this reason and because I want to do everything I can to position myself to be in a better place if I lose this job, I am going to be attending UNCC starting on June 6th to get my Paralegal Certification.  Once I complete the program in December, I will be able to sit for the Paralegal bar exam next year to be a true NC State Certified Paralegal.  I am excited and nervous about this change....especially nervous because I haven't been in an actual school for over 20 years.  I earned my Bachelors and Masters completely online.  And the shooting that happened just 2 days ago, where 2 young men lost their life, adds a little more fear, but I am going to do this.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I am seriously going to put some effort into writing more blogs in the coming weeks.  I think it will be therapeutic for me to write about change and also to post the work I am doing in my "Building Self Confidence" course I am taking as part of my IDP.  I may not be happy with what I look like, but God doesn't make mistakes and He made me.

Psalm 139:13

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

Saying Goodbye (and good riddance) to 2018 and FINALLY to Hemi

The last time I posted was in June.  Big changes were taking place and I was worried.  I wrote a quick blog about the changes and I got on with my life.  I was in a state of panic wondering how I would support my family.  I applied for jobs until I was blue in the face.  I cried.  I mourned for who I was, because I had become my job.  I put on a brave face and I just kept trying even as the pain of rejection weighed heavily on my shoulders.

In July, I started working at the Food Lion corporate office through Bonney Staffing Agency.  I am working with contracts and I actually enjoy the work.  At 5pm, we walk out of the building and I am not on call, I don't have to think about the job again until 8am the next morning.  It is different.  In early August, I also started working part time at Michael's.  I enjoy it as well.  It isn't always easy, but I am making it work.  I hope in the coming year that I can get a Full Time permanent job soon.  I wait with bated breath.

I will be glad when this year is over.  It has been a season of loss and tears. I thought 2017 was bad with losing Krissie, then Snickers, then Rick.  I didn't think it could hurt much worse but I was wrong. 

Hemi took a turn for the worse in late August/early September.  I upped his steroids, kept getting his B12 but soon realized he wasn't going to get better this time. My heart was breaking but I was happy to be able to spend some extra time with him (that I didn't get with Krissie).  I feared each morning when I woke up and when I got home from work, that he would be gone. I worried that me being gone all the time with work that his little heart was breaking because the first 10 years I had him I worked from home and was always there with him. He started laying on the stairs near the boys room. He stopped eating. He was barely drinking but I guess I thought or hoped he would rebound again.  I was so thankful that I got the extra 9 months with him....but sadly on October 4th, after getting home and picking him up just to watch him get down and fall when he tried to walk, we decided to put him down.  I thought it would be harder for me to make that decision....to go in and tell them to do it and then watch him take his last breath.  When we got him there, they said his liver was failing....his ears and gums were jaundiced...he was slowly dying and that was more painful to think about then thinking about him not being with me. It was fast. I was surprised that I didn't cry more.  I was shocked that it didn't seem that I mourned as much for him as I did for Krissie.  I want to say it was because I had time to get used to it.  I had time to love him and tell him how much he meant to me.  I had time to say goodbye.  I want to believe that is why I grieved differently for him because he was my world.  He was my best friend and I miss him.  Just this morning I called Simba by Hemi's name.  I don't know why it is the end of December and I am just writing my goodbyes to him.  I don't know if it is because I have been so busy trying to make ends meet....or if it's because I haven't been ready to say good-bye...or if by sitting here right now bawling, I am having to face the fact that he is truly gone and I won't ever see him again.  I am in a rut....it feels like I am in limbo and I have a list of things to do (this being one of them) and I just don't do it.  It is easier to do nothing.  I don't know why or what cause me to procrastinate so much on doing this, but I couldn't let the year end without putting pen to paper, so to speak, to say good-bye to him.

So Hemi...I didn't forget you buddy.  I think about you every day.  I love you and miss you and I am so grateful for the 11 years you spent by my side. I am so grateful that your original owners gave you back and that we were there and got to take you home. I am so glad you and Krissie loved me unconditionally until you both took your last breaths.  I am sorry I delayed so long in writing this.  If there is truly a rainbow bridge, I hope you are with Snickers, Krissie, Grace, Scooter, and Skeeter and I hope I will get to see all of you again one day.

Each time I post, I say I will try to do better....so I will try but no promises.  2018 has gone by so fast. 2019 is just 2 days away and I am praying that I can turn my sadness into gladness, fear into hope, and love into help.  Happy New Year!!

So Many Changes....So Little Time

So it's been 4 months since I last wrote.  In some ways it zoomed past but other ways it seems as if it has been moving in slow motion.  So much has happened/changed since that last post.

Hemi is now taking a 1/2 steroid pill every day.  He is doing pretty good.  I wait with bated breath and pray that the pill will sustain him for many years....but know that there is always a chance, he could die tomorrow.  I am trying to enjoy every minute I have with him for now.

The biggest change that happened was we bought a house in April.  We moved from Concord to Salisbury.  From Cabarrus to Rowan.  We used the last 3 months to move slowly and finally fully moved last week after Jeremy finished school.  This is a big change for all of us and I feel like the boys all are angry with me because of this.....but it's a done deal now.  It will be a house that JC and I can grow old in.  We are down-sizing but we do have more property.  This neighborhood is so quiet.

Of course, the other big change, which is wreaking havoc right now on us....is I lost my job effective May 31st.  Not only have we lost the only income we had coming in, but I feel like I have lost part of my identity.  For so many years, I lived and breathed Neustar.  I carried a pager and was on call 24/7 basically. I worked 10-12 hours a day sitting at this desk...and now I am not.  It is a blessing and a curse.  I am actively looking for a new job now.

I am sad. I am a little hurt. But I am trusting that God has bigger and better plans for me and I am learning a lot about patience in this time right now.

Next week, we will have a yard sale and then we will turn in the keys at the other house.  We lived in that house longer than any other place we have ever lived.  I am sad on one hand but happy on the other.  Sometimes I don't know how I feel, and that scares me.

This is it for now....I will try to write more soon.

Still Waiting...but With a Little Hope

Well, the tests came back and said he had intestinal disease (Inflammatory Bowel) and Pancreatitis.  What the test doesn't specifically show is if the Inflammatory Bowel is just because of the bowel itself/his weight OR if it is a tumor.  He has had 6 weeks of B12 shots and for the most part is back to normal.  We also changed his diet to the OM prescription food.  I went ahead and put all 3 cats on it, because it is easier to keep them eating the same thing.  So far, he is eating, staying with me (instead of hiding in my room all the time) and is almost back to complete normal.  Although there are a few things I see in him, I don't know if I am just looking for issues or if it is truly an issue.  The next couple of weeks will be a good indication if it is a tumor or not.  He has graduated to getting the B12 shots every 3 to 4 weeks right now, if his symptoms come back, it is likely cancer, and we won't treat him.  It breaks my heart to say that, but I can't do that to him or to us.  I love him too much to want to see him go through that.

So, we wait.  Not like we wait in expectation for the day Jesus Christ will return.  We wait with bated breath, hoping above hope that he will be OK, but knowing there is a chance it could go either way.

In the meantime, a lot of change is taking place this year, that I am trying to get a grasp on. I have never been good with change, but again we are dealing with change and with wait.  After 8 years of renting (at the end of June), we placed a contract on a house in Salisbury, NC.  It is about 25 minutes from here.  I am not sure I ever though we would leave Cabarrus County, but we have been priced out of this area.  The house we are waiting for (we can't go to settlement until April 2nd) will actually be downsizing for us.  The older 2 boys will have to share a room, but since they are 20 and are seldom home now, I am hoping it is OK until they are ready to be on their own.  It is in an older neighborhood with almost a 1/2 acre of land on septic/well (which is new for us) and is a brand new home.  We got to pick out the carpet.  I am in love with the house and hope it is something that JC and I can grow old in together.  But we are waiting.  Waiting for the yard to get finished, waiting for my bonus, waiting for the carpet to be laid, waiting for some shelves to be built, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I wish I could say I am happily a patient person....but alas that would be a lie.  I am looking forward to getting the keys and slowing moving over the next couple of months.  We will stay here until the middle of June (so Jeremy can finish school) and since our lease ends in June. We have also put in an application to have Jeremy go to a different school in Rowan County, so we are currently waiting on the answer to that as well.  We have already decided if they decline his application, we will homeschool him, because he won't allow him to go to the school that he is supposed to go.

There is change/uncertainty with my job as we transition the NPAC to another company.  The work seems to get a little more challenging each week as we get closer to April.  It is a scary, anxious time.

After some discussion with my GYN, and after several years of minimal pain and several months now of excruciating pain and spotting lasting several weeks at a time, we are going to move forward with a partial hysterectomy.  I trust my doctor and feel like this will be the best choice.  The problem with that is she is saying probably 4 weeks off of work, so the timing is not great.  Based off of her schedule and our transition schedule and the upcoming move in June, it looks like I will push it out until July...so again with the waiting.  Again with the excitement, nervousness, anxiousness.

The rest of the animals are doing good for now.  Simba has a problem with itching/scratching and cutting himself.  I can't figure out if he has a skin issue or a mental issue.  I will be taking them in for appointments probably next month to get their shots, so I will ask then.  I just needed to get through Hemi's fiasco before I could focus on one more issue.

We made a quick trip up to VA for Elsie's funeral.  She was 84 and it was pretty sudden.  It was good to see family, but I hate that it was for that reason.  We definitely don't get up there enough.  Mike and DeeDee mentioned trying to get a family reunion together, so I might start looking into that again...you know in my spare time...LOL

We need to also get blinds and a refrigerator once we go to settlement. Then we are going to start packing, cleaning this house, and getting the new house set up so that come June, we can move DirecTV and Spectrum transferred and we will be ready to go.

I would love to say I plan to type more sooner than later, but at this point, I am not sure.  I find this helps when I am feeling anxious or unsettled, so it may be that I come back more often over the next 4 to 5 months...who really knows.

Waiting is so Hard

Losing Krissie last April was hard.  It was unexpected.  I knew she felt a little smaller, but had no idea that she had lost half of her body weight.  When we left for the quick trip to VA, I had no idea her temperature was so low or that she would go down hill so quickly.  I didn't know.  I thought nothing could be worse than that....but alas, here I am watching and waiting as Hemi is going down hill quickly...but I recognize the changes.  He has dropped over 6 pounds.  His hair is sticking up in ways it never did before.  I feel his spine, something that I haven't felt in many many years. He is hiding under my bed, hanging out in my room upstairs instead of wherever I am.

I made an appointment because of the weight loss but at the time of the appointment, I didn't notice much else.  Last Wednesday, his eye started leaking...I thought Skylar scratched.  On Saturday, I took him to the vet.  They took blood and urine, did a skin test for the place he is licking. They scanned his eye to make sure it wasn't a cut.  The tests were all negative and yet when I brought him home on Saturday, he hid in my room.  He has stopped eating and drinking.  I finally got him to eat a little bit of tuna fish, but nothing like he used to.  He has drank some.  He had more tests yesterday and got a B12 shot and finished the tuna fish.  His eye isn't leaking as bad, but I still haven't seen him have a bowel movement....I just look at him and my heart breaks.  He has been my buddy...my best friend...he has loved me unconditionally.  I want him to get better, but I am scared he will not.  I have cancelled going to the mountains this weekend, because I just couldn't bear it if he passed away and I wasn't here for him.....like with Krissie.  I don't want to desert him if it is the end for him.

Some people will understand....some won't.  Pets are things to some people and to others they are part of the family.  Hemi is my friend, my baby, my chunky monkey....

The tests being sent to Texas A&M may or may not be able to pin point what is wrong with him.  The next step would be an ultrasound, but I don't know if I can afford it or if it will even be worth it in the end.  At this point, there are two options...either it is inflammatory bowel or Lymphoma.  The first can be treated, the second cannot.  I love you Hemi....no matter what happens, that will never change.

Focusing on Me (and my Family)

For so many years, I have focused on helping others.  I know this is what God has called me to do, so I have worked hard to make sure I do everything I can for anybody who needs me.  But what I have realized is that by focusing on everybody else, I tend to not focus on my needs or those of my family.  I have decided in 2018, I will be focus on us.  I have pushed my student loans out so much that the amount plus the interest is literally hanging around my neck like a noose.  I don't want to pay on this debt for the rest of my life.  This is not the best time to pay on these loans for several reasons, but I know if I don't start soon, I won't have the financial or emotional means to continue to help others.

A few things have happened over the past couple of months.  We were in an accident on JC's birthday which ended up costing us his truck.  The truck was totaled because the cost of repairs were more than it was worth.  We used the money we got from the insurance company as a down payment on a newer used vehicle.  We paid the Honda off in December, but have now replaced it with a new payment for the Explorer we got.  I was able to get a reduction of the payment on my school loans, but I don't want to just pay the minimum.  I want to work to get it paid down while still paying my other monthly bills and debt.  In 2018, we will be transitioning the NPAC (where I have worked for the past 15 years) to a new company after 5 long years since we lost the contract.  I don't know where I will be in June, but I am trusting in the Lord to provide, because He has never let us down.  We have always had what we need and more.  In the meantime, I am going to try to do a few fundraisers and find a second part-time job working from home.  Every extra penny I make, I am going to put towards the school loan.  I have created another blog that I am using to support those endeavors.

Randall had surgery last week on his left knee.  He had his ACL reconstructed and 2 miniscus tears that were repaired.  He has to stay off of his leg for at least 6 weeks.  We are trying to decide how he will get back to school for the winter semester.

Christmas was a fun and relaxing time and we are looking forward to seeing my family on Thursday of this week.  For now, that is all.  I love the new desk JC got me for Christmas, so I hope to feel up to blogging more in the near future. 

Happy 2018!

If it Causes you Peace; it is Too Expensive

Earlier today on Facebook, I saw this post

This is so true and something I am working on.  There is so much going on in this world that makes peace a fleeting memory, but I choose to rely on the hope of God and eternal life with Him.  I tend not to overreact to issues, but I do see how sometimes I let anger and hurt take over.  I have decided that I am not going to let narcissistic people devalue me or my reputation.  I have decided that my time is just as valuable as other's believe theirs is.  I am a busy person.  I am a mom, a full time worker, a child of God who is always trying to help people, but I get tired.  I have decided that peace is better than having friends who bring negativity into every aspect of their life and as a result into mine.  I have decided to search for peace instead of turmoil.  I have decided that in order to get peace, I need to declutter my mind, my body, and my spirit.  I am not there yet, but I am prepared to start today.  Here are a few bible verses that I found regarding peace. I definitely need to focus hard on the 1 Thessalonians verse as I have not acted but definitely thought about pay back this week.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace in this world. You will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11

"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." 1 Thessalonians 5:15

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy." Proverbs 12:20

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

When it Rains...It Pours

2017 has been a year of learning for me.  Learning to let go, learning to fight for my marriage and my kids, learning to pray more and lean on God, but mostly it has been a huge lesson on death.  I have never been good with goodbyes, and definitely never with death.  The first funeral I went to was when I was 12 and it was my great-grandmother.  It was rough watching my dad's cousin throw herself on the casket as they tried to lower it in the ground.  When I was 18, I went to a funeral of a friend of a friend.  I knew of Harvey, but wasn't close, but I went with Mandy, and cried more than anybody there. My grandparents have all died since then, but it never seems to get easier.  This year, we loss Krissie and then Snickers, but losing JC's brother, Rick, has probably been the most devastating for us.  He had just turned 49, 10 days before he passed.  He was told a couple of months ago that he had heart failure, but we assumed he could live a long time with it since his dad has lived with it for almost 10 years.  We thought he would be OK with medicine.  We begged him to quit working, to quit mowing, to slow down, but he was a proud man who just wanted to work and support his family.  He had a massive heart attack in his sleep.  He went to bed Friday night and never woke up. JC has been a rock for his family.  He holds it together mostly, but there are times when I look at him and see the sadness.  He mentioned that he would never be able to talk to him again, I think it was finally setting in.  He did a wonderful job of talking about Jesus in a prayer for the friends/family at the reception held at their church.

If anything good can come from a death, our families getting together to honor Rick, is truly something I don't think anybody ever thought could happen.  There was a lot of animosity because of the shooting that happened 5 years ago.  JC and I were very worried that something would happen or something would be said, but it didn't.  Through the grace of God, everybody was civil.  I just wish Rick was still here to witness it.  I wish he wasn't so stubborn that he wouldn't let Taz back into his life before he died.  I wish we would have made more time to go down there to see him with his parents before he died.  Rick was cremated as were his wishes.  His wife, kids, brother, mother, and sister, will all wear a piece of him.  Rick was loved.  I don't know if he knew how much when he was alive, but in his death the love of everybody was seen clearly. Rick had a hard life.  I only knew him through JC and Angela and the few times I met him.  He stayed at our house for a little while 5 years ago, he wasn't my brother in blood but through JC he was my brother.  We hope to see him one day again.  I hope he is finally at peace and he knows that we will help take care of his family as well as we can. Selfishly, I worry about JC and the boys.  He is almost 46. They are severely overweight and believe they are invincible.  I want them to be OK always, but I know ultimately, it is all in God's timing.

When we returned from Alabama with his parents, we got home to a very sick cat.  His mom's cat, Brady had been losing weight for a couple of weeks, but he could barely walk when we got home.  We took him to the vet and after doing some blood work, it was determined he was very sick.  We had to put him down, and his mom is devastated.  Her cats are like her kids.  It is a lot to take all in one week.  My heart aches for all of them, especially her.  I am still learning.  Death is hard, but I know there is so much work that still needs to be done before Jesus comes back to call us Home.  I want to be a light in this world, I have some work to do....in the meantime, here are a few pictures of Rick from 5 years ago and 2 of the cousins and Rick's siblings.  I am not sure we will get many more times together, I hope so, but at least we have these memories.

Getting Rid of the Excess...the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This year has had its ups and downs.  Every time I think I am getting ahead, I feel like I fall a little behind.  I have been working on the Armor of God Bible study, but am about 2 weeks behind right now.  I know this is part of why I am feeling so BLAH right now, but yet I don't push myself to just get up and do it.  I am falling behind in work because there just isn't enough time to get everything done.  Getting up and walking in the mornings is helping mentally and physically, and I am enjoying being able to walk towards some virtual race goals.  I have nothing to be be BLAH about, and yet here I am.  Here I sit eating Hershey Kisses that I found when I should be doing so many other things.  I could be working on my bible study, cleaning my office, scrapbooking, reading, outside walking....

A few weeks ago I was thinking about setting up another blog to help me focus on losing weight, losing the clutter (in my mind and in my house), and setting up a fund raising event to try to help get rid of my school debt.  The debt is hanging around my neck like a noose.  It is astronomical and I think some times just thinking about it puts me in a funk.  I pay so much interest, I don't think the principle will ever decrease.  I do plan to consolidate the loans in October/November to help decrease some of the interest and I know my payment will increase at the same time, so we should have the car paid off in December and then that payment amount will go towards the school loans.  I go back and forth about ways I can earn extra money to get these paid down.  It is a burden I bought onto my family and I want to fix it, but ultimately, I know I am giving it to God, and He has blessed me beyond anything I deserve, and we will be fine.  I just need to trust in Him and in His timing.  I can't tell if my ideas for getting money are me trying to control things or ideas from Him, but until I hear a definite answer, I don't want to move.

Clutter in my mind, body, and home is what I want to start working on.  I want to clean up my act, clean up my habits, and make more room to honor God in everything I do.  I want to say yes when He wants me to say yes and No when He wants me to say no.  I want to get rid of the excess and be free to enjoy the abundant life God has given to me. 

I guess this is To Be Continued......

Snickers is Gone

Yesterday morning I woke up and started my day like usual; went to the bathroom, scrolled through Facebook, got dressed, started to feed the guinea pigs, and found Snickers dead in his cage.  His death wasn't as big of a surprise to me as Krissie's was.  Hers came out of nowhere...but Snickers was 3 and had a swollen mammary gland (which I have read was probably cancerous). I have heard life expectancy for guinea pigs is between 3 and 5 years and he was a little more than 3.  But even with it not being much of a surprise, it still hurts.  I have regrets with the guinea pigs because they were just so content to be together in their cage.  They never seemed to enjoy time out of the cage, so we fed them, gave them oranges and peppers for vitamin C, cleaned their pan out once or twice a week, gave them water and just let them be.  I don't know how long he had been dead, I was dealing with some stuff Wednesday night and I didn't check on them, I just went to bed, and there he was Thursday morning.  Shadow was laying next to him when I found him and that breaks my heart to think his buddy died and he had no way to tell me.  I hate death.  I know they are "just" animals to some people but they wiggle into your heart and become part of your family.  I never thought I would love a rodent, but Snickers was one of the good guys....and we will miss him.  Shadow is missing him.  Hemi is acting weird again like he did with Krissie, I am beginning to think he knew even before I did by the way he was acting. 

With the pain I am feeling over my animals, I can't imagine the pain of losing a human companion.  There are so many who are aching right now over lost loved ones.  I have been blessed with a somewhat healthy family and I haven't seen alot of death, but I know it is coming.  Everything on this earth will die eventually...and I have to pick up my game.  There are so many people who don't have a relationship with Christ and I need to find a way to bring them to know Jesus.  I am doing a great bible study right now by Priscilla Shirer called the Armor of God.  I am learning a lot and my tired soul is getting a much needed boost.  Things are changing around here and I need to learn to deal with some of it better.  I want to love better. I want to be better. I want to do better.  But I can't do any of that without putting my armor on first, knowing God's Truth and wearing it proudly.

Randall has decided to stay with Zaxbys. James is still at Harris Teeter. They both have 2 weeks left of their summer classes and then they will have an Associates degree and will begin UNCC in August.  Jeremy is going to some summer workouts for soccer.  He is going to try out for the High School team.  I don't know if he will make it or not, but we are definitely proud of the effort he has given so far. There are a lot of kids trying out, so I am holding on to hope, but if he doesn't make it, I will still be proud of him.  He will play rec ball and life will go on. JC is busy keeping us all together, taking care of us and now his parents. I am so blessed to have him. My job is changing, getting busier, but OT has been cut.  This is a good thing and a bad thing as I have been used to the money, but I think mentally and physically it will be a good thing in the end and an answer to prayers I have been praying during this bible study.  I know God will provide for us rather I am working 40 hours or 60 hours, so I am just going to start moving forward and see where it takes me.  Work will continue to get more stressful as we head into transitioning next year.  It is scary but if God is for me, who can be against me??

Here is my favorite picture of Snickers.  I am sad today, but joy comes in the morning.  We will miss you Snickers buddy.  If there is a place for animals after they die, and I don't know if there really is, but if there is, I can hope that Scooter, Grace, Skeeter, and Krissie greeted you when you got there!

Showing Up

Why is it hard for people to just show up?

I have felt let down on numerous occasions.  It isn't fun.  People who I thought I meant something to, have let me down and it hurts.  I hate the feeling when somebody says they will do something and then they don't.  I have always been big on keeping promises, so sometimes it is hard for me to understand why other people don't feel the same way.

When we were planning our 20 year anniversary/vow renewal, I let some people know at least a year in advance.  Only 2 of those people, showed up, everybody else couldn't come.  My dad didn't come, but unfortunately, that wasn't a surprise to me.  My aunts, my uncles, my cousins, none of them came.  That actually hurt more than I imagined.  We have gone our separate ways, we are living separate lives and it doesn't seem to matter any longer if somebody is celebrating a momentous time in their life.  It seems family only makes an effort to get together at funerals...Why is that? Why wouldn't you want to spend time with your family while there is still breath in their lungs and not to watch them being buried?  I understand there are some circumstances....I know I missed a wedding because of some financial circumstances, but I never promised I would go, I waited until the last minute and then I told them I wouldn't be coming because there was no way I could get off work.  It wasn't intentional, the timing and finances just weren't right at that time.  Some of the excuses I got was laughable.....but you know what...there were people who showed up.  People who came and saw a wonderful 2nd wedding.  People who showed up and loved on us and for that I am grateful.

None of this hurt though compares to the hurt I feel when somebody doesn't "show up" for my kids.  We may not see eye to eye on everything, but my kids and JC mean the world to me.  So I think, even though they say it doesn't matter, it bothers me.  My heart is aching right now. Randall is moving to a new job with a different company, and one of the girls at his work offered to throw him a party at her house since he was leaving.  At least 6 people said they were going to come, and then didn't show up.  It was just Randall, the girl, and her sibling(s) and mom.  It was very nice of her to do that for him....something she didn't have to do, and people just didn't show up.  Randall acts like it doesn't matter, but I know how I feel when it happens to me, so I wonder if he is just compartmentalizing and/or holding it inside.  I just want people to show up.  He is a good kid.  He is hard-working.  He would give the shirt off of his back for anyone of those people who didn't come.  I don't know the girl, but the fact that she offered to throw the party in the first place, shows me she is a caring person.  How heartbreaking to her to open her home and buy food for people who aren't caring enough to even call to give an excuse...instead they just don't show up.

Come on people!  We have to do better than this.  We are only here on this earth for a brief moment out of eternity.  Love the people you are doing life with.  Love them with your whole heart....and for goodness sake - just show up!!!  Please.

Random Thoughts

I don't really have a lot to say today, but I want to try and make blogging a habit, so I thought why not just share some of the random thoughts that are crazily zipping through my head.  I definitely feel like the spaghetti brain that Mark Gungor talked about in the class JC and I took.

So I have a lot going on this spring/summer.  We are trying to get JC's parents moved down here so I am trying to coordinate a lot with that. 

• We have boxes and packing material to take up to VA when we go up next week
• We need to empty out their storage shed and try to get Billy lined up to go, if possible, to pick up the tools and trash cans
• We need to spend 2 days cleaning out, packing up, and throwing out what they aren't bringing
• We have the electricity set to be turned on on June 12th but we still need to pay the deposit.
• I have the paperwork lined up for the renters insurance which I will have them sign when we go up next week. 
• We need to get the rest of the deposit/first month's rent in by the 12th when we pick up the keys
• We need to purchase a washer and a dryer and have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to purchase a sofa, bed, and dining room table and tried to have them delivered on the 12th
• We need to pick up the keys on the 12th and then head up to VA for the week
• We need to call the movers to set up the move
• We need to figure out if they are going to get cable/internet/phone, or any of those, and order the service and hopefully have them set it up on the 12th or the following Saturday
• We need to get them down here and unpacked
• I am sure I am missing something but that is all I can remember at this point

On top of that, I have work (an the unknown about my job) and church and soccer (and being the team mom) and Jeremy is turning 14 and graduating middle school and graduation parties so I am trying to keep my calendar up to date as well.

• We are taking Jeremy to Sky High on Saturday, May 13th with a few friends to celebrate his 14th birthday. I still need to get a cake and it doesn't look like his birthday gifts are going to get here on time.  I need to arrange pick up and drop off for the few kids and also do some work before we leave on Saturday.
• Jeremy is playing soccer and I helped by being the team mom, which mostly consisted of collecting and bothering parents for money.  Money for snacks, money so we don't have to work in the concession stand, money for selling the Dominoes cards.  And now planning an end of the year pizza party for our team and the other team for the last night we play
• On June 20th, I am going to be going to Charlotte to hand out the 75 summer fun boxes to children and caregivers and on July 12th I need a team to help me register kids for GAKAC in August, and on June 10th I am driving one of the vans on the women's trip to the Creeper Trail and when we get back, we will be going to Grace's graduation party
• We have graduation parties on May 27th, June 3, June 4th, and June 10th so far
• I am trying to figure out a time to go visit Christy up in the mountains, but having to work around Brandy's and Craig's PTO time is making it quite difficult
• We need to sign a lease before the first of July, for the first time in several years, we will only be signing one year because my job is up in the air and I am not sure what the future holds after next March
• On June 9th, Jeremy has 8th grade awards and will officially be in high school
• Now that I have FINALLY found the prayer box print outs, I need to finish those and I need to get over to Ellen's with ribbon and cards to finish up the blankets so those can be delivered
• We are planning a yard sale so I need to start cleaning/going through everything in my house to get rid of stuff.  All proceeds will go to our mission house for the church, I just need to get off of my rear end and make it happen

So with all of that, I need to get to work now.  I have reports due, QA to complete, and calls to listen to.  I can only do all of this with God's help.  I truly believe these bible verses:

 Philippians 4: 10-20

10I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

14Yet it was kind of you to share^f my trouble. 15And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. 16Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. 17Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit.^g 18I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. 19And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.