Deal With Your Past
* Face the Monster
* Write about and talk about it
* Articulate People, Place, Events that led to lack of Self Confidence
* DO THESE REALLY MATTER?
* Talk to 1 close confidant about what you wrote about
* This will help you learn about your past and help you cut it loose
Well - these are definitely loaded prompts. This post could probably go on for days!!! But I am going to try to reign it in and focus on the most important.
I guess the number one person who helped kick my self-esteem and self-confidence to the curb, would be my father. To understand how or why, I guess I would have to start at the beginning.
I am the third girl of three kids. My dad had a vasectomy while my mom was pregnant with me and I don't know if that decision was made before or after they learned (incorrectly) that I was going to be a boy...or if they never found out and just wanted me to be a girl...either way, it was always known that my dad wanted a boy and I guess I was the closest thing he would get. They nick-named me Bobbie as a result and I was my dad's shadow. I don't want to say I was his favorite, because I guess even back then I realized that Kim, as the oldest, was his favorite, but I was his side-kick for as long as I could remember. If he was in the garden, I was too. If I wasn't at my grandparents learning to read from my Pappy, or at Johnny and Gussies' swimming, or on the softball field (where my dad usually was as well), I was with my dad. We lived in a quiet neighborhood in Vienna for the first 10 years of my life. Life seemed perfect to me, but there was a lot I didn't know at the time. I wasn't a boy, but I was enough of of tom-boy that I thought it was enough. I am guessing I never was.
Around the time I was 10 or 11, we moved to a bigger house in DunnLoring. Shortly after that, we stopped going to the church/school Grace Lutheran because they gave him an ultimatum. He had to pick the church or his Masons group he was in. My mom was also in Eastern Stars, and my sisters were Rainbow Girls. I wasn't old enough yet, or I assume I would have been in it as well. My dad chose Masons, so it was at that point we started in Public schools. I was in the 5th grade.
Sometime between 5th and 6th grade, out of nowhere my parents were separated. I was told many stories, including that it was our fault because we wouldn't keep the house clean.
Ultimately, it would come out that my dad was seeing his ex-girlfriend from high school. He would end up divorcing my mom and marrying her. She had a son, who was my age, so I assume on some aspect, I thought he was able to finally get his boy. I don't hold any animosity towards Gene. He is a great person, he was part of me staying sane back then. He was a good guy then and although I don't ever talk to him, I do see him on Facebook from time to time, and it looks like he is still a good guy.
I always said I would write about the lies, manipulation, sneaking around, and things I walked in on that I should never have seen or heard, but today is not that day. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing is ever completely private, so until a different time, those things will have to stay deep in my heart and my soul. Nothing good can come from shedding light on those things. I can say though that is a big reason I dislike lies so much and why I fight so hard to keep my marriage.
In 5th grade, I had the best teacher ever. Maybe I loved her so much because she was a beacon in the darkness (starting public school after being in a small private school for so long). One day she got mad at a boy and threw his book in the trash. When everybody left for recess, I pulled it out. When we all came back inside, she asked who had done it and nobody admitted it....and why would they when it was me who did it? But I was too scared to take the blame....that feeling of guilt never left me....so as hard as it is to accept that I am not perfect, I have no problem speaking up when I make a mistake. I think I still tell myself small white lies but as a rule, I try not to do that to others. Even doing it to myself makes me feel sick to my stomach.
In 6th grade, I bought a dress for a dance but chickened out. I never went and nobody made me go. I was the only person in the 6th grade who didn't go. I don't know why or remember my thought process but I assume it was uncomfortable to act like a girl since I was such a big tom-boy. I know by this time, I was already having issues with self-assurance and my self-esteem was shot. Each day that went by without my dad, seemed to reiterate that I wasn't enough. After my dad left, I felt very alone. My mom and my grandmother each had one of my sisters and then there was me. It was also at this time that my period started. I never told my mom. I would just take her products from under her sink. As far as I know she never knew....because I overheard her once telling my dad's cousin that she thought Sandi would be the first to start because Kim was so late in starting hers. Little did they know that I had already started. It is strange that I was the youngest and started first, but it's one of those things that happens.
Every Christmas, her kids would have piles and piles of gifts under the Christmas tree. Material things don't really mean a lot to me, but it always felt like a knife being stuck in my heart. One year I think he gave us three girls bowling balls. Another year we each got a ring. For Easter one year, I got a bunny and yes I still have it to this day. I wanted my dad, but I wanted all of him, and not just the piece that she allowed him to give.
At the end of 8th grade, my parents switched houses. My mom couldn't afford the house in DunnLoring anymore. Although others would say differently, my dad never paid child support. He helped with softball tournament fees or if there was a need, but he didn't pay a monthly payment. I think my mom thought by not making him pay, there was a chance he would come back to us. I don't know what she was thinking, but she was working two jobs to make ends meet and they weren't meeting. So they came up with the idea of changing houses. At that time, they lived in a small townhouse in Centreville. We moved into that and they moved into our house. Each of her kids got to paint their room a special color that they picked out. Why I remember that detail so many years later is beyond me, but I feel like it was just another way to show we weren't worthy. Moving from DunnLoring to Centreville was a huge deal. It was the same county (which will be important in a bit) but it was far away from the few friends I had. I tried to stay with my dad and his "new" family for a bit at the beginning of 9th grade, but that didn't last long and soon I transferred up to Centreville High School. I think I went just a month or two to Marshall.
At Centreville everybody already knew each other as they had been going to school together their whole life. I went to Homecoming with Jason in 9th grade, and fell head over heels in love with him. It wasn't love for him at that time, or probably ever, but I was infatuated. I am not even sure how I met him, Kevin, and Scott; it may have been through Gene, but honestly and surprisingly, I can't remember. Looking back I can see that I latched on to the first person who showed me attention. I was looking for the love to replace the love I lost when my dad walked out on us.
Every decision I would make over the next 4 years had everything to do with him. I gave him my heart, I gave him my virginity, I gave him everything and time after time after time, he through it back in my face. I wouldn't eat in front of him because I thought I was fat, so when my mom took me out to eat, I would usually give my food to him. He stole money from my mom, and I denied it. I accused her of not wanting me to be happy. He stole (or lost) my class ring, I still don't know where or how, but his mom did have that replaced. He kissed my friend Michele and asked her out for a bowling date. He started talking to my friend Kim (we weren't friends at the time) and I guess he ghosted me for awhile before she found out about me and kicked him to the curb. We became friends after that. Every chance we got, we would have sex. Usually he would come over and then leave shortly after with the excuse that he didn't want to get in trouble with his mom.
There was a short period when I felt like he truly cared about me. He made me laugh, he made me think we would be together forever. I was a stupid, stupid kid with dreams that would never come true. At the beginning of our "relationship" he would tell me names of girls that he wanted me to try to set him up with. He tried to push me off on Scott during the summer after 9th grade, saying Scott liked me. Scott was one of my best friends...but that changed later during one of the times me and Jason were apart. He definitely chose Jason to stay best friends with and once again I was out in the cold. We were on again and off again throughout high school and by the end of our relationship, I would find out that he cheated on me 7 times.
Right before graduation, probably in May, I was living with his grandparents (that story will be in the next paragraph), I was working at Leaps & Bounds and met a guy named Mike. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and Jason and I weren't together, so I made another bad decision and slept with him. He was the only other person I was with, because Jason was the only one I wanted. I was actually happy, not because of the sex, but because I was able to be with somebody else. He gave me a hickey and when Jason saw it, he asked me how I could do it and said he wanted to be with me again. I told MikeI wanted to be with Jason and I went to the mountains with Jason that weekend but it didn't last (surprise). The last time I saw him, was after we graduated. He asked me to come up to the mountains, so I met him up there. Him and Scott were staying at his uncle's cabin for a little while. He slept with me and I thought everything was good, but he never called me again. I found out later, that when he returned to civilization he started dating Jenn, Patrick Mosher's ex-girlfriend and that was truly the end of our relationship. I talked to him the following March, after JC and I were already dating and were actually in a bad place. They had apparently broken up for a bit. Nothing happened, but we did talk. Each time he would leave and come back and leave again, took pieces of my heart that I never thought would grow back. Besides my dad, I would say he was the #2 person who shot my self-esteem apart.
Towards the end of my 11th grade year, my mom had to move from Centreville to Manassas. By this time, we had already moved out of the townhouse and into an apartment, but she still wasn't able to afford it. Because I was about to go into the 12th grade and was on the Softball team, I wanted to stay at Centreville. Manassas was in a different county, so I would have had to pay $5,000 to live with my mom and go to school in Centreville (even though it was only about 5 or 10 miles away). The decision was made to move me back in with my dad. It was much farther away but was in the same county, and I had my own car, so I was able to drive myself to school each day. I did this from about March or April until November of my Senior year. In November, a friend of mine, Dennis and I were in a class together. I actually think it was Saturday school because I had skipped school and went to Chantilly. Because I was a good student and was on the Softball team, they were lenient on me. While we were in that class together, we wrote notes back and forth that definitely weren't appropriate. They were all in fun and it meant nothing, but I did tear it up in millions of little pieces and put it in my trash can in my room at their house. She spent an entire day taping together three pages of these notes to read what I wrote and called my dad to tell on me. I found out about it and was pissed. That same night as I was getting ready for work at Marshalls, she sat us all down to tell us they would be moving to Remington, which was a different county again. I was in shock and still mad about the note and was not good at holding my tongue. We got into an argument and I called her a whore. She kicked me out of the house in my panty hose, with no shoes. Then preceded to take all of my stuff and throw it on the sidewalk in front of my grandparents house. She wouldn't give me my keys to my car because I still owed them about $300. Thankfully, my cousin came over and gave me a check to pay my car off. A cop was called and my dad just stared me through the door. He didn't try to take up for me or stand up to her. He let me walk out of his life like I didn't matter. It was then that Jason's/Christy's grandparents invited me to live with them. They were so good to me. They loved me like I was one of their own and after I graduated, because of the hurt of seeing Jason with Jenn, I left and never looked back. I wrote them a poem to express my gratitude to them, but I do regret how I hightailed it out of there. I think they understood, but I won't ever know for sure.
We (my dad and I) didn't talk for several years.....except for the one time I heard that he was in the hospital and I called him there, but he told me it would be better if I didn't call him again. After JC and I started dating, I wanted to try to build a relationship with him again. I sent Lynn a letter to apologize for my behavior and we started talking again.
Many times after that, my dad would continuously prove that I wasn't as important to him as her and her kids were. I doubt he even knows how much he wounded me over the years.
* Lynn and my friend Kristina were planning my baby shower. I didn't want to go without JC being there, because I don't like being the center of attention. He thrived on it. Lynn wanted it to just be women. She was mad that Kristina told me and decided not to help plan it or even come. So we had two small ones, my cousins through one for me at my grandma's house and Kristina had one for me at work.
* When I had the twins, we would let them stay at their house. Her kids didn't have kids yet and the twins were boys...so I imagined they wanted to take them away from me. My dad called one night and heard the boys crying. They were under 2, and babies cry from time to time. He told me that they never cried when they were at his house and how much Lynn did for them and how she gave them baths...basically she was a great mom and I wasn't because they were crying. I got off the phone and told JC I thought they were going to try to take the boys from me.
* A day or two before the boys' first birthday I had my wallet stolen from the cart at K-Mart. I left it in the cart and JC and I argued about the situation. We lived at the house with my sister and she called to tell my dad. He called me and said he was going to get in JC's face at the party on Saturday. I told him if he did, he wouldn't be welcomed there. I didn't feel it was his business. He came to the party, but only to deliver their gifts. He sat out in the car pouting and Lynn and my sister, took my boys out to see him, without asking me.
* My mom was remarried for a short period of time, to a guy named Mike. Coincidentally, he worked in the same company with Diana, my step sister. He came home and told me one night that Diana had told their mutual boss that my kids were always dirty, hungry, and something else. I called my dad to ask about it and he swore that there was no way Diana would have said that and that me or Mike were lying. He called back the next day to apologize and say he got "in her shit" when he found out she did say it. But the damage to my heart had already been done when he believed her over me anyway. Years later, I would find out she was only repeating what her mother had said....which was so much worse. Diana ended up having a boy and Lynn ended up taking her to court to get grandparents rights at some point, so I honestly think I got away unscathed in that aspect, because my kids were forgotten after her son was born.
* My step-sister Missy worked for the City of Manassas Park Police Dept, where we worked. My mom applied for a dispatcher position and Missy looked at her application and went back to tell my step-mom about an arrest my mother had (that I wasn't even aware of). We only knew about this because Diana was fighting with Lynn at the time and told us. When my mom filed a complaint, the person who did the investigation was actually sleeping with Missy at the time so it was pushed under the rug....the whole thing is laughable....I just wish all of this wasn't making me cry as I type it. The crazy part is, it was at that time, after 20 some years, that I found out my mom was arrested because she was stealing spaghetti sauce. Apparently my dad was abusive to her when we were small (and kept it from us all those years) and he called one night to say he was bringing friends over and she needed to have dinner on the table or he would beat her ass. She didn't have any money to buy groceries at the time, so she stole it.
* After her kids started having kids, my kids were no longer a priority. My boys know his brother, my uncle Johnny, better than they know my dad. It hurts. He sends us money every year for Christmas, and no matter how much it is, I always split it evenly 5 ways. It is the only thing my boys know about their grandfather. They have seen him a few times, and he is good to them when he sees them, but they aren't a priority. We moved to NC about 13 years ago and I feel it was a blessing, because I was able to distance myself from the hurt and loneliness.
The last thing that I want to mention is being laid off last year in May. Although I had been laid off at BBO, it wasn't the same. I had only been at BBO for a year before they went under and everybody was let go. With Neustar, I had been working there for 16 years. The job had become who I was. By the end, I was connected to my phone 24/7. I had been working from home for 11 years, I barely got out of pajamas, and only had to go to the office in Louisville or Sterling on certain occasions. Getting laid off was a catalyst of change that happened in 2018. I lost a piece of myself and I have been withdrawing from "life" ever since. The rejections to the many applications I sent out was a blow I wasn't ready to handle. My professional life had always been pretty stable, while at times I felt my personal life was on shaky ground. I knew I could count on my work, but that was no longer stable as I ventured out into the real world again. I was hurt by people who promised me good leads before I knew about the layoff. I feel like I found out who my true friends were and I want to feel bad about pulling back and out of things I was previously involved in, but I am finding it difficult to be upset about it. I will write more about this in my next post in this series.
A few things that I have found out about myself over the past several years:
* God, my Father, was with me from day one. He knew me and what I would go through. He was always with me, even when I was making mistakes. He forgave me on the cross long before I was even born. He has forgiven my sins. He was there when my earthly father let me down and all I had to do was call on Him. I feel like he saved me from myself. He saved me from becoming a statistic, an unwed mother, from having to stay involved in Jason's life because of a mutual baby. He saved me from so much and I have so much to be grateful for.
* I was blessed, because all of this feels hard. It felt hard as I was growing up, and as I reflect on it, it feels even harder...but I also know there is so much worse that could have happened. I could have gone in a completely different way. I could have handled things differently, but I didn't. I am truly blessed.
* My marriage hasn't been perfect. In fact there were several years at the beginning, I wasn't sure we would make it. JC was/is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank for over 10 years now and he hasn't smoked in close to 20, but he will always be an alcoholic. We have had problems. At times it was ugly, but we made a commitment and he has been faithful to me. I know he loves me and it took a little while, but I have grown to love and trust him completely. He has let me down and I am sure I have let him down at times to, but we are committed to making this life together work. I am sure there are parts of my marriage that I can reflect on, but right now, I don't think that would be helpful. It is good to know that we can mess up but still be loved.....not as unconditional as the love God gives, but it does come closer than anything I have known before.
* I am strong....but I don't know if I am strong enough to cut these feelings about my past loose. I know it is what I need to do to become a better person and restore my self-esteem. I need to build my self-confidence, especially as I try to rebuild myself professionally in a different line of work and as I head back to school for this paralegal certification. I also need to do this because my kids will all be adults in less than 2 years now. I have been a mom for almost 22 years...it will be 24 years when Jeremy graduates and turns 18 and I need to know how to handle that huge change. I am a mom and I will still be their mom, but I am learning that once they are adults, they won't need me, and then where will I be.
This post has been hard. I didn't mean to make this as long as I did, but once I got started, I couldn't seem to stop. When I used to talk to Mr. McCarter, the school social worker in high school, I never thought I would still be dealing with these issues 25 years later. JC has told me before I need to forgive my dad...and I have, I do...but it's hard to keep forgiving over and over and over again, each time.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 32:7-8 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles
Isaiah 43:1-3 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Philippians 4:6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
