Emotional Roller Coaster these days.....

That's what my life feels like. I go from happy to sad, to scared, to worried, back to peaceful, and then angry. So much is happening and as overwhelming it is to me, I love it! I love that the boys have this fire to know Jesus. I love that they are excited about being a Christian. I love that they want to spend time in fellowship with other people. Its great. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So what is my problem....well I will just talk about a FEW of them.

Sadness....my boys are growing up. Today I let Jeremy walk down the hill to school by himself. YES, I stood there the whole time and watched and waved everytime he turned around. He is so smart and comes home everyday having learned something new. I am so proud of him and yet I don't want to let him go. How selfish of me! How selfish to think I can hold back a child that God has only given me on loan. He is Jeremy's maker and I know He wouldn't want him to be held back. So I have a pity party for myself and then feel bad because I don't think God would want me to act that way, which makes me even more sad....it's a vicious cycle. As far as the older two boys, I feel like I don't know what is going on with them anymore. Being in middle school they have so many teachers and so much happening, and I get a few tidbits out of them each day, but it's so much different from Elementary School and I miss them. They are gone so many hours of each day. And this weekend they will be camping, but I love the fact that they want me to come pick them up early from camp on Sunday morning so they won't miss going to church with us. They have a chapel service at the camp before they head home...but they want to go with us...>WOW>

Happiness...a new found friend/leader in my Financial Peace class giving me a gift card to the movies simply because she knew I am going to take the boys next weekend while JC is on the men's retreat and because her husband doesn't like going to the movies, she thought I would be the perfect person to use it. How awesome is that. It's weird for me to accept gifts from people, because I am so used to being the one who is giving. So to be on the receiving end this year is hard for me, but so glorious at the same time. Two weeks ago an anonymoys person at the church gave us a $200 giftcard to Walmart. WOW....this was one of those times when my heart was swelling with gratitude and beating with pain because I just know there is somebody out there who needs it more than we do. I need to learn to take a blessing in only gratitude...I pray that the Lord grants me that luxury. *****another happiness***** and even more important is hearing the Children's pastor tell me that he wants both of my sons on the Bible quiz team as they both buzzed in and answered a bible verse question. How awesome....since this time last year they weren't even involved in any church at all. How far they have come...how far we have come as a family...Praise God!

Anger....a couple of small things....I'm angry that I have to see Politician ads everytime I turn the TV spewing nonsense that I don't want to hear. I'm angry that the media only reports on what they think will bring ratings. I am angry that people are trying to take away my freedom by censoring us and trying to remove God from everything...schools, courtrooms, money, our anthem. I'm angry that the woman down the street snubs her nose at the prospect of using the NEW crossing walk because it will take the kids getting used to. Who cares....as long as it is safer? I'm angry mostly right now because of my Professor in my Sociology class that I am taking right now. So angry and upset that I am considering calling my school to change professors. She has sent out an email to everybody saying we are to stop the discussion line, and i feel she is saying that not because it is detrimental to our class but because she doesn't agree with our points of view. I am angry that she tells us to stop, but then she posts on 2 separate occasions things that I don't agree with and that anger me. She said that Christianity is a sexist organization. She also said that we can't reach Democracy as long as women aren't allowed access or choice of getting birth control, abortions, etc. WHAT?? Isn't that her opinion? It certainly isn't mine. Why I let people get to me is beyond me....I am asking God now to show me clarity. I'm also angry at myself because I find myself continuously backsliding and cussing when I am upset/angry. I don't want to do it....it just pops out and then I feel so bad and dirty. It's kind of like eating....which is another anger at myself. I know I shouldn't eat the stuff I do, but I do it, then feel bad. What is that? I think this anger of my weight moves towards sadness as well...because I am watching the biggest loser and I just cry and cry and cry as this girl is working through her eating habits by realizing the hurt and anger and fear that she has carried around with her for the past 6 years since her parents' divorce. I see myself in her and wonder how I can continue to carry that pain 20 years later. Is it because I never worked through it? I wonder if all of my others symptoms would leave if I can just get rid of this feeling I have over my parent's divorce? I wonder...and I do nothing about it. That makes me angry - me not doing anything about it. Our pastor talked of forgiveness of others as a way to Jesus Christ. And I try and I thought it was long over...but it's not...I think I have just repressed it. I also wonder how we are supposed to forgive when the one person who has hurt me continues to hurt me daily?

OK - on to the next feeling (or should I say feelingS). Worry/Peaceful...how is it possible to be on the same subject? Well our financial problems are a huge concern for me. We are definitely spending way more than we are making and we are trying to correct the problem. We are taking Financial Peace University through our church and it honestly is bringing me peace. Not all the time like it should...I know if I give it up to the Lord AND LET IT GO, I would find that peace, but something in me, can't let it go. SO I worry...and when we take a small step forward I feel a little bit of peace. Like for instance 6 weeks ago when we started I had a Savings Account with only $25 in it (only to keep it open). Today, I have another Savings Account that has $240. It's not much, but it is a start and hopefully in the next two days or so, I will have another $35-$50 to add to it. I am still selling stuff on Craig's List and trying to get a dollar here and a dollar there to add to it. So there is some peace....I just have to keep that feeling.

I'm sure there are many more that I have forgotten...but I've got to get to work. I guess this could actually take all day...hummm...I know one day, there will be no more hurt and anger and fear. One day I will meet Jesus face to face...but until then....I want to try to lighten my load....that is my prayer for myself this week....the learn to lighten my load.