Emotions

I started to make a post yesterday, but said to myself NO...you are way too emotional to write anything. What happens if somebody actually reads your Blog? You don't really want anybody to know how you are feeling.....then I read McMama's post title "Honestly". Sure, McMama has hundreds, even thousands of readers, and a few that are personally attacking her. She DOES have the right to say and do whatever she wants on her own blog....so I thought...SO DO YOU!! Nobody reads this, and I have always wanted a place to journal my thoughts and happenings, so why not. But, something is still holding me back.....trust?? fear??? I dunno...it is just there!

Right now, I feel raw. I feel like my minute problems are nothing compared to babies and young mommies dying, and yet, I can't seem to cope. I keep telling myself to stop reading blogs, but it has become an obsession with me. I find these strong, intelligent, wonderful people who are dealing with or have dealt with death in a fashion that shows their love of Jesus Christ. They have peace and it scares me. I am scared that I will never have the kind of peace and dignity that these people have. I am scared I will never know Jesus the way they do. I am trying, but I seem to fail. I am scared if it were to happen to me, that I wouldn't have the love and support that they do.....I feel like I am the support, so if I am sick or gone....who would take over that role?

Is that why I feel raw.....maybe! I don't know why I read and cry and read and cry somemore, but I do believe, there is a reason, and one day I will figure it out....but I am raw because of my problems too. I am sad, stressed, scared, sceptical.....my heart aches because of our financial issues, because of the toll it seems to be having on our marriage, and because of something very hurtful that I heard from somebody who was supposed to love me. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel sad. I feel like I spend my life making excuses for people and things, but then I am hit the realization that those who are the closest to me and are supposed to love me, are the ones who have the power to hurt me the worse. I feel like the world is closing in on me and I don't know how to stop it. So with all of that being said....where do I go from here? Acts 16:31 - So they said, "Belive on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household."

This house is not my home. My home is wherever my family is...so what do we do? Do we try to save the house, do we do a short sale, let it foreclose? I love our house....but I wonder if it is worth fighting for. I wonder and I worry.....Why can't I let it go? Why can't I give this worry and fear to God the way the Bible tells me to? Why do I want to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep? Why do I have so many questions, when I used to feel like I had all of the answers??